red flags everywhere or am I crazy? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 104Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:22 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 2,960
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

No matter what it's not normal. She put you in a position of distrust.


Your therapist is a Rugsweeper. Fire her/him

Marc878 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 08:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,461
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Deleting texts says it all.
But the passcode you do t know for her phone and that she guards her phone would say the same.

Don't pull the divorce card. You don't mean it.

VAR her car.
Get the deleted texts.
Decide if you really want a divorce when you find the truth. You've been not trying to find the truth for a long time. If you don't want to divorce over this, you'd better find a anyway to get to a place of strength.

If you want the truth, VAR her car and get the deleted texts. You could snatch her phone while she was on it and change the passcode, right? Then get into it when you had a chance and pull up the deleted texts. Those would be rough to read. People don't delete them for no reason.
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #48 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:21 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
thedope is offline  
 
post #49 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:25 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
I agree the therapist is a rug sweeper. Essentially your wife and therapist want you to ignore the whole thing. That is absurd any therapist who told you to just get over it, needs to be fired.
thedope is offline  
post #50 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:08 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,395
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

He came to your home while you were gone to give your wife his meat....


He looked up.your address off her resume?

Maybe stop him or something?
ConanHub is online now  
post #51 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:56 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 456
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

My rule of thumb is that if it looks like cheating, smells like cheating and tastes like cheating, it is cheating and I do not have to catch my spouse red handed. I look at it this way. Whether I suspect she is cheating or she is actually cheating, her behavior is invoking the same feelings in you so it really does not matter. I would not stay married to a wife who made me feel like she was cheating. A loving spouse would not make you feel suspicious of her. My wife goes out of her way to let me know where she is at all times and I have never had a reason to worry about her in 44 years.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #52 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:28 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,903
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

here is another approach...i would take your wife down to the courts and put out a restraining order on him as a stalker...she is good with that.
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #53 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:20 AM
Member
 
ButtPunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,589
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Deleting texts says it all.
But the passcode you do t know for her phone and that she guards her phone would say the same.

Don't pull the divorce card. You don't mean it.

VAR her car.
Get the deleted texts.
Decide if you really want a divorce when you find the truth. You've been not trying to find the truth for a long time. If you don't want to divorce over this, you'd better find a anyway to get to a place of strength.

If you want the truth, VAR her car and get the deleted texts. You could snatch her phone while she was on it and change the passcode, right? Then get into it when you had a chance and pull up the deleted texts. Those would be rough to read. People don't delete them for no reason.
Good advice here.
ButtPunch is offline  
post #54 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:37 AM
Member
 
badmemory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,547
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

For starters, you tell her you no longer will except her having contact with him. Period. End of story.

She needs to send him a no contact letter that you read, approve and mail. She needs to block his phone number, email and Facebook access. She will tell you if he attempts to contact her in any way. She will not delete texts or emails and be completely transparent with her communication devices. She will account for her time away from you.

Next, she will provide you her phone for deleted text recovery and you will continue to monitor her cell phone records.

If she refuses to do just one thing on this list; she has made the decision on divorce for you.
badmemory is online now  
post #55 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:12 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 124
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
Yes I am. This is so stressful
I never knew my W had the ability to be such a convincing LIAR, but I found out on D-day just how good of a liar she was and had been, and you know what made her such a convincing liar, was the simple fact that I wanted to believe her. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that she could lie to me and that she was very good at it, I started looking and hearing her much differently. What once caused so much stress in me, now fueled my ANGER, and the bull**** and lies stopped, because they didn't work any longer when I started calling her on her bull****. I sense you're about to have that same epiphany.

MyRevelation is offline  
post #56 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:29 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 5
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
I never knew my W had the ability to be such a convincing LIAR, but I found out on D-day just how good of a liar she was and had been, and you know what made her such a convincing liar, was the simple fact that I wanted to believe her. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that she could lie to me and that she was very good at it, I started looking and hearing her much differently. What once caused so much stress in me, now fueled my ANGER, and the bull**** and lies stopped, because they didn't work any longer when I started calling her on her bull****. I sense you're about to have that same epiphany.
I guess everyone is shock when an affair revealed. What we all know is that cheaters follow the same pattern however careful they think they can be. Suggestions people give you here come from same/similar experience.
newlab is offline  
post #57 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Thor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8,703
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

For sure your trust in her is shot. That is the primary problem to you remaining married or having a happy marriage. As I said before, her story is plausible. It may or may not be probable, but I've known people who are weak and naive as your wife is presenting. The problem is the red flags are based on logic and human experience, which is why so many are jumping to the conclusion she obviously cheated.

So you have a few choices here. One is to simply say the breach in the marriage is sufficient to justify divorce regardless of whether she actually had sex with the guy. Another choice would be to investigate to get as much information as possible in order to determine if she had an affair with him. The third choice is to accept she did cheat, and that you are willing to truly forgive it and move forward in the marriage.

I don't think the 3rd choice will work for you. It isn't rug-sweeping because you would accept the situation as she did have an affair. But you would simply put it in the past and move forward. You don't sound like the kind who could do that.

The first option is a possibility. But, like many, you have complications which make it an undesirable outcome. I think you said you have kids, but I could be confusing threads. If there are no kids, divorce may be an option to get to a happier place.

But I like Option 2, which is to investigate. Since all of this is past history with no suspected continuing affair, it may be more difficult. But, she may well be in contact with friends, family, or even the man in question. She may be discussing the situation with people. So you have a small window here to catch her comms. VAR the car and VAR a room in the house where she makes regular voice calls. Keylog the family computer if she uses it. Use the phone recovery tools people have suggested. Look at recovering backups of her phone to the computer. Recover emails from her deleted folder on her phone, computer, and tablet.

In a week you should have all of this data.

If there is still no strong proof in one direction or the other, do the polygraph. I think it is an extreme measure, but she has definitely done things which raise suspicions in a reasonable adult. A polygraph can undermine her sense of security in the relationship, so I would put it as a last resort.

But the fact is if you cannot establish trust in the marriage then your marriage will eventually fail. The issue isn't really whether she had an affair with the guy, it is whether you can have a good happy marriage with her. That requires trust.
Thor is online now  
post #58 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 31
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
She tells me when does she have time to cheat
During the multiple lunch dates and times you know for a fact she was with him. She's had plenty of opportunities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
And that the guy is gross and wouldn't I be texting him more if I were?
Women don't text guys they find gross. Her own friends told her to stop messaging him. Any amount of texting with him is a problem. Worse yet she calls him too so for some reason she wants to hear the voice of a "gross" man.

From the perspective of someone who frequently deals with liars, she's terrible at it. She's not even remotely convincing. The more she talks, the less I believe her because there are huge glaring inconsistencies in everything she says. She'd only have a point with those two lines if she never saw him in person and never texted him but she does both and yet wants you to think she doesn't.

Your options are:
- Bluff and say you have proof that more happened. Don't tell her how you know just that you know if she doesn't come clean, you will be moving out and filing for divorce. She will probably keep lying to you until you have more evidence so this is the least effective option.
- Insist on the polygraph and watch her sweat it out.
- Keep digging. Hire a PI to look into her relationship with this guy. Use a text recovery program on her phone. If you go this route, stop asking and start demanding. Tell her to give you her phone right now so that you can run the recovery program on it or you will leave. You're already headed towards divorce if you don't sort this out or you find evidence of cheating so you have nothing to lose. If she refuses, she's guilty as hell. Innocent people are willing to offer up proof that they are innocent and she wants to divorce when questioned because she knows she will be getting a divorce anyways if you find out.
nekonamida is offline  
post #59 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 27
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Ok. The phone recoveries require root, which would wipe the phone if I root it.

I can't really go to her work and start snooping around which sucks. I can question her friend that works next to her I guess

She says she will tell me every text or phone call if he does text or call her.. so that's a little helpful

She doesn't really keep anything locked up I mean I know all of her passcodes on all her phones since the beginning. She tells me to look at texts or get phone if she can't.

Last edited by youaremetoo; 03-09-2017 at 11:28 AM.
youaremetoo is offline  
post #60 of 133 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:21 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 43
Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

What kind of phone is it? Not all need a root to get deleted texts....
re16 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Crazy family and crazy opposing attorney Almosttherehopefully Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 11-14-2016 04:56 PM
Red flags in Marriage - time to end? mcgyver Coping with Infidelity 82 11-03-2016 08:17 PM
What is the meaning of "the red pill"? tech-novelist Politics and Religion 109 09-20-2016 04:13 PM
'Redpillers' Have not Actually Taken the Red Pill Mr The Other General Relationship Discussion 22 09-08-2016 02:55 PM
Red Flags and my gut were correct. Vikings Coping with Infidelity 166 02-12-2016 01:00 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome