red flags everywhere or am I crazy? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

"Now the therapist says I need to just get over this and stop thinking about it or else we can't do therapy anymore. And that I can only talk to the therapist about it cuz my wife cries."

I am a therapist. The above statement makes no sense. Here you are on CWI laying your heart out to a bunch of strangers who are showing more compassion and empathy then your therapist.

I would have asked the therapist:
a. What am I suppose to get over? I don't know what I am facing and she has lied to me.
b. How am suppose to stop thinking about it? My wife will not give me what I need to move beyond this.
c. What gives you the right to tell me who I can talk to or what I can talk about?

Find another therapist. This one is not a good fit for you. Your concerns are as valid as your wife crying.


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post #92 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Yeah real shocker here.....she doesn't want a new one and fights me tooth and nail for this one. Tells me I need a valid reason for a new one. Told her I think she's against me. Not a good enough reason.

Therapist knows this is our real big issue. Could therapist be waiting for us to calm down about it to bring it back up?
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post #93 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
What so I'm supposed to belive her?


She probably just wants to keep it going
That was not what I was saying. You were wondering why she doesn't just confess the affair to you, so that the two of you can just move forward with your lives once the truth is out there once and for all.

What I WAS saying is she is not going to believe that you will stay with her if she admits the affair. In addition, she will face repercussions in the form of shame and disapproval from everyone who finds out.

This is NOT about you believing her.

AT ALL.
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post #94 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

It would be dishonest for the therapist to say she will end the sessions if you continue to think about it or don't get over it to only wait to bring it up again. Makes no sense. Your therapist made it clear (IMO) that if you think about it or don't get over it, she is done.

Frankly, I think it is unfair to you to not address your mistrust and thoughts about this matter. If it is your big issue then that needs to be addressed.

What are your goals and your wife's goals for therapy?

Seems to me that you want to deal with trust issues that you have concerning your wife.

BTW, you are not crazy. There are too many red flags to ignore.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.
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post #95 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Well, me grilling her has probably prepared all the answers she needs for the therapist if the therapist pushes. So I don't think I will ever find the truth it's more about divorce, or move on knowing he could still be around.

I don't know how they build trust back up in therapy with a pathilogical liar. How am I supposed to ever trust her again?
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post #96 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Just continue counseling and stay with your wife. Otherwise, you need to calm down and quit sabotaging yourself. Yes, it sucks your trust is broken. It sucks your therapist is ignorant OR purposely covering for your wife. Still, if you run to her with every little idea, she is GOING to find ways to shut you down.

Sorry, to me, he just moved out of full on creepy stalker range. He might be gross now, but you do not need to be there to add context for conversations with a stalker. This is another red flag for the inappropriate nature of their conversations. Please notice, the word NOW. He very well maybe a stalker and gross NOW, but I am saying he may be a triggered one that was a friend or more.

Oh and one question, who picked the therapist?
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post #97 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:08 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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No idea here why she can't just admit after I keep nagging her about it.
1) WHY are you nagging her?? And 2) why would she admit ANYthing?? You have no evidence.

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I told her I would stay with her and not tell anyone and we can move on.
Huh?? This is idiotic. Unless you were trying to fool her, in which case you have a LOT to learn.

Have you read this link? If not, DO.

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post #98 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 08:04 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Why are you ignoring all of the advice in this thread by those who've btdt? You've sabotaged every possible avenue to get whatever information may exist.

Since you say you'll stay with her no matter if she cheated, and you say she's a pathological liar, and you don't know how you can ever trust her, there is no reason for you to do any investigation whatsoever. If she cheated, you'd stay. You know she's untrustworthy.

So you either leave her because she is untrustworthy or you stay because it doesn't matter that she may have cheated. You don't need to know if she actually did cheat, do you? Either lying is a big enough fault to divorce over or it isn't. Her cheating is not relevant whatsoever, by your stated position.
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post #99 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

I'm sorry but this is obviously sexual PA. A man who's successful with women is not going to make the effort to be with your wife if it's just to be friends.

This guy feeds her ego and she rewards him with no strings attached sex. It's been going on for so long that she's able to coldly compartmentalize.

How is your sex life and affection levels? Are you getting cold vanilla duty sex? How's the affection? Do you passionately kiss or do you just get cold pecks?

You should use Dr Phone to retrieve the deleted text. Also get a VAR installed in her car. You'll have answers within a week. Start preparing yourself mentally for the possibility that this is much worse than you could ever have realized.
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post #100 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Huh?? This is idiotic. Unless you were trying to fool her, in which case you have a LOT to learn.
It's not idiotic, he's desperate for the truth, and he's desperate to save his marriage and he's in a state of shock, so he's grabbing for straws. He probably doesn't even know what he'd do once he finds out for sure.

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post #101 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

So we have an appt with the psychologist soon. Then I have with the psychologist solo a little after the couples one.

I was going to ask her in front of the therapist how this guy went from a creepy stalker to someone she can have lunch with for a new job and tell him our address. Within only the course of a year by him. texting her on two occasions asking her to lunch. How does that translate to no longer stalker...and a ok guy? Then ask if he got our address from her resume well that is another stalking situation and what the therapist thinks of it all. Not really sure if I should mention this in the couples appt or the one solo.

The best I feel I'll get out of her is that they went to lunch together a few times. She won't admit to an affair no matter what. So I don't even know if what I just said above will even be worth it. Looks like the only real choices I have is to stay in therapy and keep my eye out for anything weird and keep investigating. Because now she is all about me, taking almost every lunch with me, talking more, opening up, etc.

I mean she could say give me my own cel plan you don't need to look at my bills anymore if she wanted. And I'm not sure if she can carry on an affair through her work Email she works for the state same department as me(different buildings). And I have full access to her phone whenever she's not around. So I don't get how this affair could really go on. I have everything just about monitored.

Last edited by youaremetoo; 03-12-2017 at 02:19 PM.
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post #102 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Sounds like she is panicked that there will be consequences to her actions so is showering you with attention. Hopefully it's real


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post #103 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

did she say she would take a polygraph?
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post #104 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
She is a very sweet, kind, and nice person. She does try to make everyone happy.


I'd be happy too if she was grinding on me.
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post #105 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:28 AM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Looks like the only real choices I have is to stay in therapy and keep my eye out for anything weird and keep investigating.
Seriously?

Have you even told her you'll no longer accept this contact?
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