red flags everywhere or am I crazy? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Been married to wife for 8 years. We meet at a club, she approached me. After a few weeks of dating we went to the club with a guy and a girl and my wife(gf at time) grinded hardcore on the guy in front of me. I asked her about it and she said it was cuz he got us in for free.

Anyways, My wife started working at an insurance place inside a grocery store. She got a new boss transferred in to her branch because he had a sexual harassment claim against him so he went to my wife's branch. She says he only adjusted himself in front of a girl. She also said he's married, but him and his wife hate each other but can't split due to religion. This manager I guess would take all his employees out to lunches for their reviews and sometimes take them out to Starbucks or the like, but only him and them one-on-one. So my wife would go alone with him in his car like everyone else she said. She first said the reviews were once a month then she changed that to once a quarter. Fast forward one year, he quits and after 4 months she got transferred to another branch after they hired someone else for his old manager spot. Seems weird that they transferred her she says they asked her if she wanted to transfer and she did cuz she didn't get the manager spot or that they were trying to get rid of the girl that transferred with her. I don't know maybe he quit to hang with her more and she got trnsferred cuz they were doing stuff. Anyway, I forgot to mention he lives in another city about 40 minutes away. Well he kept texting her when he quit about once a month and it was a text, text back, then text back so pretty short. Then she texted him first one day which was a little longer conversation. Well, I guess he would come down to our town once in a while and come see her at her store. I saw one text where she said she misses those yummy treats, but nothing before that like it was deleted or he brought in something to her? Well then she got a promotion and was now travelling to his city and ours. He sent her a text asking her if he could buy her lunch she said no that we are on vacation and he said to tell me hi then told her she was the best employee he had and she said he was the best manager. Then he kept texting her about every couple of months. One was asking her to lunch which she said she declined and another she said that he wanted to know a good sushi resteraunt for him and his client, but come to find out she now says that he texted her while she was at a sushi place and her boss wanted to meet him so she invited him and he didn't sit with them and had no client(so confusing to figure out these lies). Fast forward a bit, she got fired from her job about two years ago. And the next day she said she was going to lunch in his city with him because he got a job interview with his friend for her. I asked her how he knew she lost her job she said probably someone there told him. So I have these crazy suspicions and asked her if the two of them ever did anything she said no and that she never did anything innappropriate with anyone ever and started crying. She said she felt that he had a crush on her, she finally tells me this after 3 years. I said how do you know? She said because he's very nice to me. I saw a text between her and her friend about 3 years ago saying that he keeps coming into her old store looking for her and they both said that was creepy. This is why I think he was coming into her store a lot seeing her and maybe taking her to lunch. My wife told her friend that I was concerned because he invited her to lunch and her friend said her husband would be concerned as well. So wife asked her friend what to do and she said block him on FB so she did, but she kept responding to his texts. Her friend said she had to block him for being too creepy. My wife insists him and her never said or did anything innappropriate. Now fast forward to about 4 months ago. I've been asking her questions about him and getting different answers everytime along with crying she says I'm interrogating her, but there just keeps getting new information all the time. I have been looking at phone records and she actually told him that she got fired she texted him first so that was the first lie that got me going. She said she lied to me to save herself from me cuz I'm so jealous. Then she said while she was still off from being fired that he came to our house with his daughter and a piece of meat he grilled for her and that her mom was there and my wife said she was so surprised that he showed up and it was creepy and she just talked to him on our porch. She said he scooped our address from her resume. Well phone records show he called her then she texted him after the call. I don't know but it really seems like she invited him and provided our address. He came to our house after I asked her if anything was going on with them. So she didn't even care of my concern. Maybe it was only him that came over and they were alone I dunno. I was at work and she didn't tell me he was coming or anything about it until now. She says we need to go to a therapist so I will believe her. She gets nervous about therapy before appointments. So we are in therapy now and she lied to the therapist now too saying she didn't invite him but I brang up the phone records and she just says she doesn't remember. Now the therapist says I need to just get over this and stop thinking about it or else we can't do therapy anymore. And that I can only talk to the therapist about it cuz my wife cries. I found out that he also called her from his work phone a few months ago which was two minutes long. I ask her why does she keep talking to him if he doesn't matter she says cuz she wants to be nice and polite. He hasn't texted her at all and I said I want to see whatever he texts her she said she would show me. But I dunno maybe she's just talking to him using her work email.

I feel like there are so many red flags and that I'm not being told the full story. I told her to tell me everything and she said I wouldn't believe her and that is when we had dinner and she told me that he showed up at that resteraunt and at our house. Now she just says she doesn't remember. They didn't text for a year then suddenly when she loses her job she had his number and goes to lunch with him. Maybe she would call him from work when she worked in his city to have lunch with him. She really didn't tell me much about her lunches but I know she went to lunch with people. She also said thst job interview wasn't really anything cuz the guy didn't even have a spot for her. Now it's really hard to just not think about this anymore. I feel betrayed. I don't know if I should follow through with therapy. She has been more loving than ever, and that this guy means nothing to her. Why would he keep trying to meet up with her for all these years if she didn't help feed that. She says they never hung out after he quit. And that I can call him. This is my first relationship. I know I invaded her privacy a bit, but her lieing and continuing to talk to this guy and not telling me anything even when I'm concerned is weird. She was married before and divorced cuz she kissed a guy that liked her and would have lunch with her, who became her bf. We have two kids and she has another from a past relationship.

It seems like him and her would mess around then come back to their spouses. They only texted on weekdays during business hours. Him asking her to lunch 3 times in a row seems like they went to lunch after he quit. She says they only talked about work during their business lunches. To be fair to her all of this took place over a span of years but some stuff seems pretty damn important that I would remember.

So I told her I want to run scans on her phones for his messages. She said no. Then said let's see what the therapist would say about that. Then I said ok ok. Then she cracked and said I could but that she wants to see them too so I don't take anything out of context


Last edited by youaremetoo; 03-10-2017 at 06:36 PM.
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post #2 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

One thing I've learned is that your "gut" is likely the best infidelity detector at your disposal. It won't tell you the who, what, where and how many, but it will tell you when something is "off" in your M ... TRUST YOUR GUT!!!

Look, your "gut" bothered you to the point that you went online looking for infidelity help, which led you here. That's not just your gut feeling off, its telling you something is so wrong it has prompted you to take action. Others will be around with more snooping advice, but I wanted to let you know ... whatever you do, don't let your W gaslight you into believing that you're the crazy one for questioning her integrity and virtue.

You are right, there are red flags waving everywhere ... a guy known for sexual harassment has been sniffing around your W for years now, even after they quit working together, and you have caught her in LIE after LIE about their relationship. There no longer is any valid reason for them to be in contact, but they still are, even after you have expressed your concerns. Those few facts by themselves are enough to put most of the BH's here on high alert to investigate further.

Brace yourself for the ****storm that you are likely to experience as you start peeling the layers off this onion.
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post #3 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

If nothing else I'd be seriously concerned about her rapidly failing memory. I mean, if it's this bad now, imagine what she'll be like in another 30 years.
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post #4 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

i would sit her down and tell her that you basically do not trust what ever comes out of her mouth and tell her that at this point this marriage is in deep trouble, and ask her if its okay if you had a relationship like she had with this guy...the "exact relationship" because tell her if she is saying that is nothing to be concern than i would her that its okay for you...then watch her body and facial expression for changes...then drop the bomb that you want her to take a polygraph and than watch her expressions and body movement. Basically she is holding back the truth and we all know why that is happening.
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post #5 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Originally Posted by youaremetoo View Post
I have been looking at phone records and she actually told him that she got fired she texted him first so that was the first lie that got me going. She said she lied to me to save herself from me cuz I'm so jealous.

So we are in therapy now and she lied to the therapist now too saying she didn't invite him but I brang up the phone records and she just says she doesn't remember.
So first she remembers and then she "forgets" in between then and therapy? Did you bring up how she magically remembered the last time you talked about it or did you accept her lying to the therapist?

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Now the therapist says I need to just get over this and stop thinking about it or else we can't do therapy anymore. And that I can only talk to the therapist about it cuz my wife cries.
So your wife told your therapist about a man who stalked her for years and the therapist said nothing about it? Gave no advice on what to do if this man stalks her again? Pretended like it was totally fine and normal and you're the only one that has a problem with it? What a terrible therapist. If she believed your wife's sketchy story about this excoworker stalking her and didn't act surprised, shocked, appalled, and gave your wife support and information on what to do if he resurfaces, she didn't buy your wife's lies either and yet she expected you to swallow that bull. You can't continue on with a therapist who thinks it's fine and dandy for your wife to repeatedly lie to you and want you to accept that just because she cries when confronted.

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He hasn't texted her at all and I said I want to see whatever he texts her she said she would show me. But I dunno maybe she's just talking to him using her work email.
You tipped your hand when you told her about the phone log. She's taken the communication underground either by email or an app on her phone.

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It seems like him and her would mess around then come back to their spouses. They only texted on weekdays during business hours.
AND she did this before with her last husband. She just got a little bit better at hiding it this time. I think you're entirely correct about what went on. From everything you have said, it's pretty obvious. So now that you know she's a liar, a cheater, and she will never fess up to it, what do you want to do about it?
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post #6 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

She said she would take a polygraph, but I know those don't work. She volunteered
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post #7 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:59 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

Might as well just say it, she's had or is having a PA with this guy. She went to great lengths to lie and hide it from you. I don't know how you could ever trust her again. If you forgive her, she'll either keep doing it with him or find another boyfriend.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #8 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

I am a dissenter on this one. Your wife's story is plausible. It also seems she has weak boundaries to some extent by not totally blocking him on her phone. If the guy had a history of harassing women, he could be the kind who grooms women over time. His actions sound like such a person.

Would you describe your wife as someone who tends to try to please others? Does she tend to do things for others when she would prefer not to?

Her ex-boss certainly seems like a persistent creep. I am not leaning towards your wife having had an affair with him.
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post #9 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

You're not crazy. She has you totally hoodwinked. And you DEFINITELY need a different therapist.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #10 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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She said she would take a polygraph, but I know those don't work. She volunteered
Then she too, knows that polygraphs don't work. Or, she's innocent.

Either way the threat of a polygraph won't compel her to tell you anything new, and the test itself, as you know, is meaningless so forget it.

Unless she offered to take it thinking that would somehow convince you she's innocent and you wouldn't make her take one, in which case she could be guilty and she does fear a polygraph, and the threat of the test might actually get a confession out of her.

This is so twisted.

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post #11 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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She said she would take a polygraph, but I know those don't work. She volunteered
Then call her bluff and do it. A polygraph with an experienced administer has about a 93% accuracy. Your wife right now with all her lies and conveniently timed memory lapses offers basically no chance of you getting the truth. You can either do the test and get some clarity, choose not to believe your wife because of all the lies and act accordingly, or choose to believe her and always wonder.
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post #12 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

She is a very sweet, kind, and nice person. She does try to make everyone happy.
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post #13 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: red flags everywhere or am I crazy?

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Unless she offered to take it thinking that would somehow convince you she's innocent and you wouldn't make her take one, in which case she could be guilty and she does fear a polygraph, and the threat of the test might actually get a confession out of her.
I'm betting this is the case because she pushed him into therapy to convince him of her story and then got super nervous right before therapy. Someone who is telling the truth doesn't get nervous right before they have to talk about it with a neutral third party. She's probably doing the same thing by telling him what he wants to hear and then worrying about how she's going to pass when it actually happens or just convincing him it's wrong if she fails. She's tried to convince him and manipulate him over all sorts of things up until now so why would she suddenly do anything differently?
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post #14 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:13 PM
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Dude she for sure cheated. It is very very very obvious. I'm not trying to be a jerk and I am sorry. But she had a long sexual affair with that dude. Your therapist needs to be replaced. Do the 180. Until she is willing to fully admit to her affair I'd go consult an attorney.
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post #15 of 158 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:15 PM
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She might agree to the polygraph but as we have all seen cheaters rarely follow through. OP should schedule and appointment for a polygraph for WW then watch her reaction and see if she is actually willing to take one. I doubt she would, or she will trickle truth.
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