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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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We are in the United States. She is Indian. I am the same ethnicity, but born and raised here.

She was never shy about telling anybody and everybody in our families and circle of friends.
Wait, what?! What was she never shy of telling?


Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #17 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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No?
Well...you and her come from a culture that is a bit more practical and pragmatic when it comes to marriage. As I understand it, Indians do not always marry for love. Many old school Indian marriages are still arranged.

If I were a betting man, I would venture to say that you were a safe bet. She was rejected by the man she really loved. She came here, met you and you seemed safe and dependable and you adored her. You had citizenship and a steady income and prospects. (Stop me if I'm getting off track) I think she married you for the green card. I really do.

So, here she has this good man who worships her, is willing to offer her stability and security...but she doesn't really love him the way he loves her. She probably gave it the good old college try for a 15 years..tried to be a good and proper wife to you...but she couldn't sustain the act. And when the opportunity presented itself to go after a man who she thought could give her what she was lacking, she took it.

Now she knows she's in trouble. She's about to lose her nest-egg and her stability. She's not afraid of losing you, just the life you provided her.

Look just because she cheated with another man, does not mean that you are an unattractive person. There are a lot of very good looking people on TAM here...many...who are very good looking, successful, outgoing and well-liked...and they still got cheated on. Being attractive and "successful" does not make you immune to being jilted. Your wife cheated on you because she is weak, broken and lacks integrity. It has nothing to do with you or your weight or your apnea. If your WW was not happy, she could have done the right thing and divorced you without humiliating you. So do not blame yourself. Blame her. She is the deficient one.
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post #18 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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It takes time to get to the realization that leaving is the better option. As long as you are with her, this will never stop eating at you. After the shock wears off, followed by anxiety attacks, acute sadness you will likely have long term depression. Eventually you'll likely become disgusted at yourself for not leaving. I once chose reconciliation with a girlfriend over something that happened early in our relationship. Even though she has been a nice, stable, and trustworthy wife for a few years, those thoughts about being settled for still are always there. Like I said, this was when we were dating. Your situation happened after marriage, which magnifies the amount of misery you'll continue to go through if you stay.

There are a very few exceptions in which the cheating spouse genuinely regrets their actions and will willingly do whatever it takes to make things relatively better. What has your wife's attitude been like for the past 2 1/2 months?
Thanks, Steve, I have had all of those things: shock, anxiety attacks (with nausea and shortness of breath), sadness, and depression. I cannot focus or concentrate on work at all. Ever since I found out, she has been playing the role of remorseful spouse but I am not sure how sincere it is. I don't know if I can trust anything about her anymore. This has made me question everything I thought I knew about her. I have re-evaluated all of her past jealousy and abusive behavior toward me in light of this affair. She has been asking my forgiveness and telling me she is no longer in contact with her OM, even though they could still communicate without me knowing. And even if she is truly not in contact with him, I don't know if that really matters at this point.

When I found out, she says she was going to tell me when she came back home, but I don't know if that's true, or for how long she would have waited. I question that because she went back home in India in 2011, and back then a male friend from her middle school (not the OM or the guy she was originally in love with before we were married) got her drunk and took her to a hotel room and tried to have sex with her. She claimed that she refused and this guy always had a thing for her but she never reciprocated. But she didn't tell me about this incident until 2016 when she was having the online phase of her affair with her OM. And even then, I don't know what motivated her to tell me. And I don't know why she waited so long to tell me if she really was innocent. I believed her when she told me that even though she was completely drunk, she didn't have sex with the guy from her middle school in 2011. But I know now that it was entirely possible and I wonder if she was honest with me about that part of it. So now that I think of it, maybe she has had two affairs by now. I will have to ask her when practical.
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post #19 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Wait, what?! What was she never shy of telling?
I'm sorry if I was not clear. In the above posts, bandit said I must have had something to offer her, and I told bandit that she saw that I had a good salary and that she could become a U.S. citizen through marriage to me. And she was never shy about telling family and friends that those were important reasons for her to marry me.
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post #20 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post

Well...you and her come from a culture that is a bit more practical and pragmatic when it comes to marriage. As I understand it, Indians do not always marry for love. Many old school Indian marriages are still arranged.

If I were a betting man, I would venture to say that you were a safe bet. She was rejected by the man she really loved. She came here, met you and you seemed safe and dependable and you adored her. You had citizenship and a steady income and prospects. (Stop me if I'm getting off track) I think she married you for the green card. I really do.

So, here she has this good man who worships her, is willing to offer her stability and security...but she doesn't really love him the way he loves her. She probably gave it the good old college try for a 15 years..tried to be a good and proper wife to you...but she couldn't sustain the act. And when the opportunity presented itself to go after a man who she thought could give her what she was lacking, she took it.

Now she knows she's in trouble. She's about to lose her nest-egg and her stability. She's not afraid of losing you, just the life you provided her.

Look just because she cheated with another man, does not mean that you are an unattractive person. There are a lot of very good looking people on TAM here...many...who are very good looking, successful, outgoing and well-liked...and they still got cheated on. Being attractive and "successful" does not make you immune to being jilted. Your wife cheated on you because she is weak, broken and lacks integrity. It has nothing to do with you or your weight or your apnea. If your WW was not happy, she could have done the right thing and divorced you without humiliating you. So do not blame yourself. Blame her. She is the deficient one.
You are correct about most if not all of that. You are not off-track at all. But I still have years of experience to show me that women never really liked me or cared for me. Although for 15 years I tried to rationalize it away, my wife was just another in a long line. I've given up now. I really don't care. But I suppose that's why I included the "unattractive" part.

Although I didn't know about the online affair in October, when my wife left the country I thought for sure she was leaving me for her OM. I was trying to brace myself for major devastation. I was expecting her to ask me for a divorce, and I prepared myself as best I could to let her go for her happiness.

In many ways that would have been preferable to what is happening now, which is having the affair, both online and physically, and then trying to tug at my heart-strings and manipulate me to get back with me.

Yes, even though she denies it (I did accuse her of it), she knows very well that she had a good life with me, with practically unlimited freedom, but she took me for granted and is scared of losing it now. She freaked out when I told her that I had talked to our attorney about divorce.
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post #21 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:21 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I'm sorry if I was not clear. In the above posts, bandit said I must have had something to offer her, and I told bandit that she saw that I had a good salary and that she could become a U.S. citizen through marriage to me. And she was never shy about telling family and friends that those were important reasons for her to marry me.


And you still married her after that? You weren't lying. You must have been really desperate at the time.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #22 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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And you still married her after that? You weren't lying. You must have been really desperate at the time.
Well, she was a little more subtle about it, at least until after marriage. But I was stupid in love, too, and thought whatever problems we had were isolated and/or could be fixed.
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post #23 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: First Post

It appears that you found out about the affair via other means, she didn't confess.

That's bad.

If there's a confession, then there's a chance at reconciliation because there's guilt and remorse. But I'd like to think if it was me I'd leave anyway because there's probably nothing more painful than having to look at the woman you love and know she had some other guy inside of her while she was supposed to be committed to you.

If there's no confession, she'd already have been planning her next trip to see him. Nothing to save here.
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post #24 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Strange, I know a couple hundred Indians easily, can recall no affairs and only one divorce... Not very common I'm afraid.
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post #25 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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It appears that you found out about the affair via other means, she didn't confess.

That's bad.

If there's a confession, then there's a chance at reconciliation because there's guilt and remorse. But I'd like to think if it was me I'd leave anyway because there's probably nothing more painful than having to look at the woman you love and know she had some other guy inside of her while she was supposed to be committed to you.

If there's no confession, she'd already have been planning her next trip to see him. Nothing to save here.
You are correct; I found out by other means, although she confessed right away when I asked her if there was anything between her and OM besides just friendship. She confessed to sleeping with him. But I found out because one morning in December, she video-chatted me in FB and she was acting really funny, just talking weird and looking at me weird. So I checked her FB messenger because I had the password. I thought it might be a genuine problem of some sort; the last thing I expected to find out about was an affair, but there it was: explicit messages from the OM such as "are you on your period?" and "you're not letting me come on you", and an arrangement to meet in a hotel room, which I think is where she had just come from when she video-chatted me in that weird way. It was guilt that gave her away. She only confessed when caught. And as I explained in another thread, I am now wondering if she didn't have a second affair back in 2011.

And yes, the part of your post that I put in bold is extremely difficult for me to deal with. I just cannot fathom the fact that another man had his penis in my wife's vagina. I can't deal with it.

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post #26 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: First Post

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there it was: explicit messages from the OM such as "you're not letting me come on you"
How could a man possibly take back his wife after reading something like that?

All the remorse in the world can't erase that picture.
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post #27 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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How could a man possibly take back his wife after reading something like that?

All the remorse in the world can't erase that picture.
You are correct. I told her that. I found out about it on December 22, 2016. I told her most guys would have sent her the divorce papers on December 23. And I can't believe they were stupid enough to use FB Messenger. Normally they were better at covering their tracks, because it had gone on for months.

I was committed to her. But if I were going to do this, at least I would have been smart enough to use Snapchat.
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post #28 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Looks aren't everything. You have to have game. If a man has confidence in himself, takes care of himself, and knows how to talk to a woman in a positive way that makes her feel good about herself without making himself look desperate or creepy, that is a form of "game" and he can attract women.

You are selling yourself very short. Yes, it may be true that you had trouble attracting women in the past, but that doesn't mean you are a hopeless case. Your wife cheated, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It means there is something wrong with her.

If you can learn how to get your game on (and I don't mean learning how to be a cad) you can easily attract women. There are a lot of single women out there looking for good, solid, kind men who have their act together. It sounds like you are that kind of man. Many of these women are good, solid, kind women who have their acts together. I know some women like this who would answer a man who meets your description if he were to talk to her in an easy going, positive manner to get to know her, rather than try to prey on her.

Believe me, the dating scene out there is brutal, but there are good people looking for a match. Your wife's attitudes and behaviors have got you down, but you don't have to stay in that mindset.


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post #29 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: First Post

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You are correct. I told her that. I found out about it on December 22, 2016. I told her most guys would have sent her the divorce papers on December 23. And I can't believe they were stupid enough to use FB Messenger. Normally they were better at covering their tracks, because it had gone on for months.

I was committed to her. But if I were going to do this, at least I would have been smart enough to use Snapchat.
You have more than enough on your mind, you don't need to ruminate over how dumb they were because of how they communicated. Unless of course you can say "well I'm not sure if the affair is enough to leave her, but the fact that she's so freaking stupid just might be the icing on the cake".
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post #30 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

So when's the divorce?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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