First Post - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 111Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Strange, I know a couple hundred Indians easily, can recall no affairs and only one divorce... Not very common I'm afraid.
You are correct, John, it is not common in Indian culture at all. The paradigm in Indian culture is that once you marry somebody, you are going to be with them for the rest of your life, period.

But my wife grew up in a household where adultery and cheating were an obsession on the part of her parents, especially her father. This is also a long and complicated story that I think was a contributing factor to the wreckage of our own marriage. Her mother allegedly cheated on her father when she (my then-future wife) was a child in her impressionable years. Her father fought with her mother about the same things every day, which is a theme that she repeated with me as an adult with her jealousy and paranoia about small things. Her father also emotionally abused her daughter (my future wife) in all his devastation over this alleged affair. I am certain this led to her being emotionally stunted, oversensitive to small things people do, and probably suffering from borderline personality disorder and/or depression for the rest of her life. And yes, she has always been obsessed with cheating and adultery and anything that has remotely to do with those things - not only always trying to catch me screwing around but also acting sometimes like a tryst here and there would appeal to her if she ever had the chance. So screwed up.

Ghost Rider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:01 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,883
Re: First Post

How much is her want to reconcile based on fear of cultural repercussions rather than for you?

I would bet 99.9%.

When is she being served with divorce papers again?

Sorry you are here, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #33 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:08 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,003
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Hello, everyone. I'm here and also registered at SurvivingInfidelity.com because I recently found out my wife of 15 years had a months-long affair with another man, first online and then a real, physical affair starting in October when she went overseas to see him. I found out in December, a few days before Christmas. She had told me he was just a friend who went to the same middle school she did, and I believed in her and trusted her so much that even though in hindsight there were some huge, flaming red flags, at the time I rationalized them away whenever I saw them. And the thing that blows my mind the most is that she was always the jealous one. She was the one who was always accusing me of flirting with other women, of looking at them and checking them out, of wanting to walk out on her at any moment, of wanting to screw practically anything that moves, of being the sicko and the perv in the relationship.

It has been the most heartbreaking, confusing, and stressful thing I have ever been through. And with a major complicating factor that I don't know if very many people here have had to deal with, that when she went overseas she left me alone to care for the niece of the guy she had an affair with, who was living with us and dependent on us at least for shelter and transportation to school and work.

I stumbled on this forum and the other website looking for advice because I never knew what to do or how to handle it. I suppose I will post my sob story later tonight, or at least as much of it as I feel comfortable writing.

I don't know what to do, whether to leave her or stay with her. I am afraid of both options. I am hoping to just die at some point. Thanks for reading.
You are going to get very different advice here from a lot of us then you will from SI, Why would you want to be married to someone who could disrespect you so much? What kind of person will you be, the kind who is bullied and takes it, or the kind who stands up and punches back. Make no mistake your wife has bullied you. Honestly the fact that this total lack of respect could happen to you and you are undecided shows that you are passive. This has probably always been your MO.

People who do the kind of horrendous stuff that your wife has done can smell out passive people. It works like a parasite and a host. Right now you are her host. You need to change your thinking and yourself or it doesn't matter you will just attract another like your wife. How about start with your disrespectful wife..

Are we to understand that you were supporting her affair partner and her? Are you still doing that? Honestly why would you ever want to spend your life with someone who could take advantage of you in such a terrible way. There is so much better out there. Being alone is better. Love and marriage are not worth your self respect or your honor. Marriage and love should not be more important then protecting yourself from abuse.

See a lawyer and divorce her. Treat her and her comfort with the same disregard she treated you with.

Your wife is no prize. Don't treat winning her back like winning the lottery. Seriously even if she is sorry and loves you what is it worth. YOU CAN DO BETTER. Don't settle for a plan B life.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-09-2017 at 03:28 PM.
sokillme is offline  
 
post #34 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:26 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,429
Re: What NOT to Do

Are you American born? How did you meet your wife?
bandit.45 is offline  
post #35 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 03:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,974
Re: What NOT to Do

Ghost, culture and religion aside, as man who looks at himself everyday, there comes a point where you have ask yourself is it worth keeping this facade of a marriage going...because he is the problem...as long as she knows that you will not divorce here she does not have to stop what so ever there is no recourse, no penalty, there is nothing.

Short of her getting hit by a bus your screwed and not in a good way....you made a mistake in marrying her, don't make a mistake in continuing this marriage....find happiness either by yourself, or eventually in the arms of someone who truly cares. Because if that can happen, and you are stuck...then i certainly do a couple things....

1. remove all cellphones, computers out of the house
2. if she is not working than put her on a strict allowance
3. take away transportation
4. make her home bound and give her real books to read about relationships
5. expose the OM

make her life as miserable as possible so she will leave....remember DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR

bottom line...If love and kindness will not keep her from looking then be an biggest A-hole and make her life a living hell
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #36 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:12 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,429
Re: What NOT to Do

I would agree. Don't talk to her about divorce. File, and let her try to talk you out of going through with it.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #37 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 04:37 PM
Member
 
Steve1000's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: The Big O / S-Hai
Posts: 1,046
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Thanks, Steve, I have had all of those things: shock, anxiety attacks (with nausea and shortness of breath), sadness, and depression. I cannot focus or concentrate on work at all. Ever since I found out, she has been playing the role of remorseful spouse but I am not sure how sincere it is. I don't know if I can trust anything about her anymore. This has made me question everything I thought I knew about her.
Another common feeling that you might be having is that you are afraid to be too demanding because it might push your wife back to the other man. The whole thing is very difficult to go through. Many of us here all too well know not being able to sleep and not being able to eat and not being able to concentrate on work feels like. Eventually we become very desperate to have the pain end. That's the time we make big decisions that are regretted later.

You need time to process this. If it's all too much for you right now, just survive and hold off making any decisions until you're ready. You can tell your wife that you need time to figure out what to do. Many of us make the mistake of being the one to try to make the relationship better. Your wife messed up very badly. It's up to her to try hard to repair the damage and keep your marriage together.

Whatever you do, don't do something silly like sending her articles on how to have a happy relationship now. If she is remorseful, she will be doing that kind of research. And remember, the emotional pain will not always be so intense.
Steve1000 is offline  
post #38 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 05:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,021
Re: First Post

OP, not to pile on, but you really do need to grow a pair. This wasn't some sort of thing that just happened, this took planning and calculation and cunning. I would be willing to bet if you looked further back you would find a pattern. Especially after telling us how she was the jealous one, always accusing you of flirting. Typically people who are jealous, tend to be that way because they think every body else thinks the same as they do. Hence, the thinking goes, "I would (will) cheat, so you probably would to". You need to boot her out pronto. Then focus on yourself and do a 180.

My counselor told me that many people continue the same type of behavior when things go south as they do when the marriage is seemingly solid. She played you then and she is playing you now. You allowed yourself to be played and you are allowing yourself to continue to be played.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #39 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:21 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 913
Re: What NOT to Do

Ghost Rider,

You wrote, because I have never been the type of guy who could just have any woman he wants any time (those kinds of guys are out there, including my wife's eventual OM, and I don't know how they do it)

It's easy,

* have no empathy for women
* complement women in ways that are manipulative.
* lie to them about everything to create an air of mystery
* exaggerate all your achievements in life, when you hear a story from someone else use it for yourself
* claim to be a humanitarian, child advocate, benefactor, etc.
* blame all your faults and failures on others especially ex'es, creates sympathy.
* cry when she catches you cheating.
* borrow money from women, don't pay them back.

Sounds like the MAN you want to be I don't think so.

BTW if you aren't as good looking as the OM it gives you a tactical advantage there is a saying "never get in a fight with anyone uglier than you"

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #40 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Looks aren't everything. You have to have game. If a man has confidence in himself, takes care of himself, and knows how to talk to a woman in a positive way that makes her feel good about herself without making himself look desperate or creepy, that is a form of "game" and he can attract women.

You are selling yourself very short. Yes, it may be true that you had trouble attracting women in the past, but that doesn't mean you are a hopeless case. Your wife cheated, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It means there is something wrong with her.

If you can learn how to get your game on (and I don't mean learning how to be a cad) you can easily attract women. There are a lot of single women out there looking for good, solid, kind men who have their act together. It sounds like you are that kind of man. Many of these women are good, solid, kind women who have their acts together. I know some women like this who would answer a man who meets your description if he were to talk to her in an easy going, positive manner to get to know her, rather than try to prey on her.

Believe me, the dating scene out there is brutal, but there are good people looking for a match. Your wife's attitudes and behaviors have got you down, but you don't have to stay in that mindset.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, Cynthia. Like I said, I just don't even care anymore. Maybe someday I will be ready. Certainly not now, though. As long as I shower and shave and keep my hair cut,when I look in the mirror, I don't think I'm so hideous, but who knows what women think. It doesn't even matter right now.

Ghost Rider is offline  
post #41 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
So when's the divorce?
Time will tell, I guess.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #42 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:26 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,147
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Time will tell, I guess.
Are you waiting for her to divorce you?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #43 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Are you American born? How did you meet your wife?
.

Yes, I am American-born but my parents came from India a few years before I was born. We met in college when we had the same major and same part-time job. That was in 1999, and we started dating in 2001. We didn't date for very long before getting married, only 8 months.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #44 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
Ghost, culture and religion aside, as man who looks at himself everyday, there comes a point where you have ask yourself is it worth keeping this facade of a marriage going...because he is the problem...as long as she knows that you will not divorce here she does not have to stop what so ever there is no recourse, no penalty, there is nothing.

Short of her getting hit by a bus your screwed and not in a good way....you made a mistake in marrying her, don't make a mistake in continuing this marriage....find happiness either by yourself, or eventually in the arms of someone who truly cares. Because if that can happen, and you are stuck...then i certainly do a couple things....

1. remove all cellphones, computers out of the house
2. if she is not working than put her on a strict allowance
3. take away transportation
4. make her home bound and give her real books to read about relationships
5. expose the OM

make her life as miserable as possible so she will leave....remember DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR

bottom line...If love and kindness will not keep her from looking then be an biggest A-hole and make her life a living hell
Thank you, Lostinthought, I will consider these as applicable. First she has to come home, which will be in a couple of weeks.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #45 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 54
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I would agree. Don't talk to her about divorce. File, and let her try to talk you out of going through with it.
Not a bad idea.
Ghost Rider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
post pic Grapes Technical Difficulties? 1 02-02-2017 11:56 AM
Default "follow" when you post or "like" ? lucy999 Suggestion Box 4 09-19-2016 03:11 PM
Friend hid Facebook post from me crystalh12 General Relationship Discussion 11 06-10-2016 09:36 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome