First Post - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 108Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
Ghost Rider,

You wrote, because I have never been the type of guy who could just have any woman he wants any time (those kinds of guys are out there, including my wife's eventual OM, and I don't know how they do it)

It's easy,

* have no empathy for women
* complement women in ways that are manipulative.
* lie to them about everything to create an air of mystery
* exaggerate all your achievements in life, when you hear a story from someone else use it for yourself
* claim to be a humanitarian, child advocate, benefactor, etc.
* blame all your faults and failures on others especially ex'es, creates sympathy.
* cry when she catches you cheating.
* borrow money from women, don't pay them back.

Sounds like the MAN you want to be I don't think so.

BTW if you aren't as good looking as the OM it gives you a tactical advantage there is a saying "never get in a fight with anyone uglier than you"

Tamat
Thanks Tamat, yeah, I've never been that way.

Ghost Rider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:35 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Are you waiting for her to divorce you?
She has to come home from overseas first, which will happen in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure if I want D or R. I'm afraid of both. I will see how she acts toward me. I just want to be like roommates.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #48 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
You have more than enough on your mind, you don't need to ruminate over how dumb they were because of how they communicated. Unless of course you can say "well I'm not sure if the affair is enough to leave her, but the fact that she's so freaking stupid just might be the icing on the cake".
Thank you, browser; no, I don't ruminate over it. That was just a passing thought.
Ghost Rider is offline  
 
post #49 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
How much is her want to reconcile based on fear of cultural repercussions rather than for you?

I would bet 99.9%.

When is she being served with divorce papers again?

Sorry you are here, brother.
Thanks, Far Side Junky (by the way, I loved that cartoon, too). You are 100% correct. She is afraid of what her immediate family will think, and probably her extended family and friends, too. She thinks her family will ostracize her if they find out, and she may very well be correct. She thinks her parents will have heart attacks if they find out.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #50 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:45 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,151
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
She has to come home from overseas first, which will happen in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure if I want D or R. I'm afraid of both. I will see how she acts toward me. I just want to be like roommates.
Bah.

File now.

Have her served at the airport.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #51 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You are going to get very different advice here from a lot of us then you will from SI, Why would you want to be married to someone who could disrespect you so much? What kind of person will you be, the kind who is bullied and takes it, or the kind who stands up and punches back. Make no mistake your wife has bullied you. Honestly the fact that this total lack of respect could happen to you and you are undecided shows that you are passive. This has probably always been your MO.

People who do the kind of horrendous stuff that your wife has done can smell out passive people. It works like a parasite and a host. Right now you are her host. You need to change your thinking and yourself or it doesn't matter you will just attract another like your wife. How about start with your disrespectful wife..

Are we to understand that you were supporting her affair partner and her? Are you still doing that? Honestly why would you ever want to spend your life with someone who could take advantage of you in such a terrible way. There is so much better out there. Being alone is better. Love and marriage are not worth your self respect or your honor. Marriage and love should not be more important then protecting yourself from abuse.

See a lawyer and divorce her. Treat her and her comfort with the same disregard she treated you with.

Your wife is no prize. Don't treat winning her back like winning the lottery. Seriously even if she is sorry and loves you what is it worth. YOU CAN DO BETTER. Don't settle for a plan B life.
Thank you for your kind advice, sokillme. You are right; I've never been a very aggressive person and my wife took advantage of that throughout the years. I am still supporting her financially. I was never supporting her OM, at least not on purpose. I was (and we both were, before she left) supporting his niece, who came to live with us for a time while she went to college and worked part-time.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #52 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:52 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve1000 View Post
Another common feeling that you might be having is that you are afraid to be too demanding because it might push your wife back to the other man. The whole thing is very difficult to go through. Many of us here all too well know not being able to sleep and not being able to eat and not being able to concentrate on work feels like. Eventually we become very desperate to have the pain end. That's the time we make big decisions that are regretted later.

You need time to process this. If it's all too much for you right now, just survive and hold off making any decisions until you're ready. You can tell your wife that you need time to figure out what to do. Many of us make the mistake of being the one to try to make the relationship better. Your wife messed up very badly. It's up to her to try hard to repair the damage and keep your marriage together.

Whatever you do, don't do something silly like sending her articles on how to have a happy relationship now. If she is remorseful, she will be doing that kind of research. And remember, the emotional pain will not always be so intense.
Thanks Steve, I was afraid to be too demanding, but not for the reason you think. I will have to explain in the private thread when I have a chance to start it.

I do need time to process this, and I didn't want to make any decisions immediately, and I did tell her I needed time to myself, so I asked her to stay overseas with her family, and just tell them she wanted to spend time with them so they wouldn't be suspicious that maybe there was trouble in her marriage. She complied for a time but then she got impatient and forced the issue by buying a ticket home. She will be home in about 2 weeks. I hope when she is here that she will just leave me alone as much as I need it.

I agree with you about whose burden it is to repair the relationship and I have not been trying to do so myself.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #53 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
OP, not to pile on, but you really do need to grow a pair. This wasn't some sort of thing that just happened, this took planning and calculation and cunning. I would be willing to bet if you looked further back you would find a pattern. Especially after telling us how she was the jealous one, always accusing you of flirting. Typically people who are jealous, tend to be that way because they think every body else thinks the same as they do. Hence, the thinking goes, "I would (will) cheat, so you probably would to". You need to boot her out pronto. Then focus on yourself and do a 180.

My counselor told me that many people continue the same type of behavior when things go south as they do when the marriage is seemingly solid. She played you then and she is playing you now. You allowed yourself to be played and you are allowing yourself to continue to be played.
Thanks, Ynot, my counselor and lawyer both told me that this kind of projection is very common in their experience. I was surprised. You are probably correct about her attitude toward me.

By the way, what is a 180? I've seen that expression used several times in browsing in this forum but I'm not sure what it means.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #54 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 3,980
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Thank you for your kind advice, sokillme. You are right; I've never been a very aggressive person and my wife took advantage of that throughout the years. I am still supporting her financially. I was never supporting her OM, at least not on purpose. I was (and we both were, before she left) supporting his niece, who came to live with us for a time while she went to college and worked part-time.
Time to change this. Go cold as death to her and make plans to never see her again.
sokillme is offline  
post #55 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Bah.

File now.

Have her served at the airport.
Intellectually, even though I may know you are correct, it's not that easy. I never imagined life without her. You don't just stop caring. You can't turn it off like a light switch. But I'm certainly not taking it off the table.

Ghost Rider is offline  
post #56 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:15 PM
Forum Supporter
 
CynthiaDe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4,548
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Intellectually, even though I may know you are correct, it's not that easy. I never imagined life without her. You don't just stop caring. You can't turn it off like a light switch. But I'm certainly not taking it off the table.
Sometimes it's like ripping off a bandaid.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
CynthiaDe is online now  
post #57 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:16 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,151
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Intellectually, even though I may know you are correct, it's not that easy. I never imagined life without her. You don't just stop caring. You can't turn it off like a light switch. But I'm certainly not taking it off the table.
Your heart will enslave you for as long as you let it.

STOP LETTING IT.

There's something that you're waiting for her to say ("I never loved you. I only used you.", etc) in the hope that you'll finally have what you need to pull the trigger on a divorce. And even though that's likely what's in her heart, she will NEVER say those words to you, because she knows that there's no coming back from the consequences that she'll face once she does.

So she'll lie, deny, and gaslight.

And every lie will both sooth and burn you.

Before long you won't be able to tell the difference between a bad lie and an absolute truth, but don't worry, because by then so much of your sanity will have been chipped away that you won't even care anymore.

You're the only one that can keep this from happening, and the process starts with divorce papers.

Final thought... is she with her lover now?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #58 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South
Posts: 302
Re: What NOT to Do

A couple of things:

1. NEVER EVER let someone define your value, merit, attractiveness, etc. She's just one woman that you fell in love with, but she is not THE AUTHOURITY on jack squat.

2. Learn to value yourself. She is NOT essential to your life, happiness, or self worth, even if right now you can't see it. Just because you value her does not mean that she is valuable to you, good for you, or for anyone.

3. (I use "couple" to describe several) While you cannot turn love off like a light switch, (A) you can take mental steps to detach and ultimately move on. Loving someone is not a bond that cannot be broken. (B) Once you detach, you find out that like a dimmer switch, love turns off. One day you just don't.

4. Being broke, fat, toothless, and having a stutter will not stop you from finding a woman who likes your broke, fat, toothless, stuttering self. I have seen objectively ugly people with folks who adore them. I once saw this woman who was not pretty by conventional standards and she was a huge and sweaty, fat fingered woman. (I notice hands). Her man was a stud. I mean muscular, good complexion, etc. All of these women were hitting on him. He passed. I watched him feed his woman chicken wings. Make out with her on the dance floor, and cop some uncomfortable to watch feels of her butt. She was his queen. I also know a guy who actually is missing teeth and does not look that great. His wife is very attractive. She absolutely loves him. She pursued him.

chin up. Also, divorce this woman. At least file and keep moving forward. Loving her is like loving meth. It makes you feel awesome, but it destroys your body and soul.
bigfoot is offline  
post #59 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Sometimes it's like ripping off a bandaid.
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #60 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
Your heart will enslave you for as long as you let it.

STOP LETTING IT.

There's something that you're waiting for her to say ("I never loved you. I only used you.", etc) in the hope that you'll finally have what you need to pull the trigger on a divorce. And even though that's likely what's in her heart, she will NEVER say those words to you, because she knows that there's no coming back from the consequences that she'll face once she does.

So she'll lie, deny, and gaslight.

And every lie will both sooth and burn you.

Before long you won't be able to tell the difference between a bad lie and an absolute truth, but don't worry, because by then so much of your sanity will have been chipped away that you won't even care anymore.

You're the only one that can keep this from happening, and the process starts with divorce papers.

Final thought... is she with her lover now?
You are probably right, Gus; these are the kinds of things I needed time to myself to figure out (among others).

No, she is not currently with him. She claims to have had no contact with him for the past 2-1/2 months since I found out about the affair. I don't see any evidence of it in FB Messenger, which is where I found out about it in the first place. But that doesn't mean they aren't communicating in some other way. She may be telling the truth, but then again, I never thought she was capable of the affair to begin with. It's really hard to trust her anymore.
Ghost Rider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
post pic Grapes Technical Difficulties? 1 02-02-2017 11:56 AM
Default "follow" when you post or "like" ? lucy999 Suggestion Box 4 09-19-2016 03:11 PM
Friend hid Facebook post from me crystalh12 General Relationship Discussion 11 06-10-2016 09:36 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome