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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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A couple of things:

1. NEVER EVER let someone define your value, merit, attractiveness, etc. She's just one woman that you fell in love with, but she is not THE AUTHOURITY on jack squat.

2. Learn to value yourself. She is NOT essential to your life, happiness, or self worth, even if right now you can't see it. Just because you value her does not mean that she is valuable to you, good for you, or for anyone.

3. (I use "couple" to describe several) While you cannot turn love off like a light switch, (A) you can take mental steps to detach and ultimately move on. Loving someone is not a bond that cannot be broken. (B) Once you detach, you find out that like a dimmer switch, love turns off. One day you just don't.

4. Being broke, fat, toothless, and having a stutter will not stop you from finding a woman who likes your broke, fat, toothless, stuttering self. I have seen objectively ugly people with folks who adore them. I once saw this woman who was not pretty by conventional standards and she was a huge and sweaty, fat fingered woman. (I notice hands). Her man was a stud. I mean muscular, good complexion, etc. All of these women were hitting on him. He passed. I watched him feed his woman chicken wings. Make out with her on the dance floor, and cop some uncomfortable to watch feels of her butt. She was his queen. I also know a guy who actually is missing teeth and does not look that great. His wife is very attractive. She absolutely loves him. She pursued him.

chin up. Also, divorce this woman. At least file and keep moving forward. Loving her is like loving meth. It makes you feel awesome, but it destroys your body and soul.
Thank you for your kind words & encouragement, bigfoot. I could really use them these days.

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post #62 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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You are probably right, Gus; these are the kinds of things I needed time to myself to figure out (among others).

No, she is not currently with him. She claims to have had no contact with him for the past 2-1/2 months since I found out about the affair. I don't see any evidence of it in FB Messenger, which is where I found out about it in the first place. But that doesn't mean they aren't communicating in some other way. She may be telling the truth, but then again, I never thought she was capable of the affair to begin with. It's really hard to trust her anymore.
Do yourself a favor and assume that, if she's not with you, she's with him.

Either way, she's lying about NC.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #63 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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Time to change this. Go cold as death to her and make plans to never see her again.
Intellectually, I know you are right. And I appreciate you encouraging me. In reality, it takes time.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #64 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Do yourself a favor and assume that, if she's not with you, she's with him.

Either way, she's lying about NC.
She may be. They could be communicating in person, over the phone, using some other app such as Viber that I don't have access to, etc. God only knows at this point.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #65 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Why would you want to be a room mate with someone that every time you saw them, your mind has mental images of them schlepping some other guy??? Women find confident men attractive.

Have her served divorce papers where she is at right now.
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post #66 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Is she back in India right now? Is he?
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post #67 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Ghost the reason we advocate filing now is because you can always call off the divorce later. This way you are ahead of the game, you have the advantage and she will have to play catch-up. Wait a few months down the road and discover she is not really remorseful or contrite, and you will be those many months behind and that much further away from getting her poison out of your life.
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post #68 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I have never been the type of guy who could just have any woman he wants any time (those kinds of guys are out there, including my wife's eventual OM, and I don't know how they do it) .
PFFT!

I have a buddy I went to college with.

Great guy. Probably my closest friend.

He's a great big, fat slob though. Just an enormous pig

In the 30 years I have known him, I have never seen him with a woman that wasn't a 10.
Not an 8. Not a 9. Not a 9.5.
But a 10.

He has confidence running off him like fine oil.
He lines them up and then knocks them down.

You need confidence. A lot.
You don't think you good looking?
Change your paradigm - get to the gym. Pump that iron. Get yourself some swole arms, wide spread lats, poping pecs and some banging washboard abs.
You'll get some serious confidence when you set your goal of getting ripped and achieving it.

What not to do - sit around waiting for your wife to do something.

1) lawyer- find out your rights
2) Get to a doctor - get STD exam
3) Start divorce
4) make sure you eat
5) Make sure you get plenty of water
6) Make sure you get plenty of sleep
7) read up and start the 180
8) Get an appointment for IC tomorrow- you have some issues to work out
9) Finally, I have no clue who originally posted this but they are a pure genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #69 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 07:51 PM
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Re: First Post

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Thanks, Far Side Junky (by the way, I loved that cartoon, too). You are 100% correct. She is afraid of what her immediate family will think, and probably her extended family and friends, too. She thinks her family will ostracize her if they find out, and she may very well be correct. She thinks her parents will have heart attacks if they find out.
Ghostrider,

What you have found out is probably only the tip of the iceberg. You need to take action now.
Do not make any decisions at the moment as you are not in the right place to do so.

I know culturally, you and your family may have a tendency to sweep this one under the rug and just suffer on. That would be a mistake. Expose her and her OM for what they are, let her family, your family and friends know about this. She blew up the marriage not you. She did this not you. Let her family grapple with the shame, it is not your burden to carrry, you married someone who wasn't what you thought she was, they sold you a dud basically.

Get a lawyer, draw up the papers
Ask lawyer for advice on financial support, etc
Go to therapy for yourself to deal with the emotional turmoil
Get out and about, go to the gym, join a club, etc do things for yourself

It is likely this is not the first time she has cheated. I hope you do not have kids? If not do not have kids with this woman, you can marry someone much better than her.
You souund like a nice solid guy, but go scorched earth on her, there is no other way.
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post #70 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: First Post

You were her chump,to put it simply.

You should familiarize yourself with Chump Lady. She has many good articles.

https://www.chumplady.com


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #71 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: First Post

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You are correct. I told her that. I found out about it on December 22, 2016. I told her most guys would have sent her the divorce papers on December 23. And I can't believe they were stupid enough to use FB Messenger. Normally they were better at covering their tracks, because it had gone on for months.

I was committed to her. But if I were going to do this, at least I would have been smart enough to use Snapchat.

I don't think I would be able to get past this part...
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post #72 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:30 PM
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Re: First Post

@ghostrider,

I am addressing you as someone who had an affair and successfully reconciled and rebuilt my marriage. My first advice to you would be that she is very likely to try to use the fact that "her family would have a heart attack if they found out" to guilt you or manipulate you into keeping her affair a secret. I want to remind you of something--the thing that would hurt and shock them is NOT you telling the truth, but rather the action that their family member committed! It is HER ADULTERY that would hurt people, not you telling them the real truth. If she had been faithful, you could tell them the truth and they would be happy! So it is HER ACTIONS that will hurt her family members. Remember that.

Second, I would say that it sounds like you do not live in the United States, but rather overseas. I do not pretend to understand all of the various cultural and societal and religious and legal implications outside the USA (okay I know a little, but not enough to be truly wise). However, what I do know is that your situation will not be exactly the same as what we might do here in the U.S. and thus I will not advise you as if you lived here.

That being said, it's been since December. If she were truly repentant, she has had 2 1/2 months to ACT differently and work on changing herself. I do not hear anywhere that you say she has admitted she was wrong, or done anything active in order to change and become a better woman or wife. Thus if she has not made any kind of move in 2 1/2 months, my assumption is that SHE HAS NOT admitted she was wrong, and she does not want to do anything in order to be different. If that is the case, then she will continue to justify what she has done, and she may "be sorry" that she got caught or that she had some "consequence" for committing adultery, but she isn't truly repentant.

See...truly repentant means that she sorrows in her heart for the way she behaved, and she takes personal responsibility for her choices, and deep down within her she wants to be a different person and puts forth the effort to change and grow. Ideally this is what you look because it signals that maybe reconciliation is possible. If a WS is not truly repentant, I'm sorry to say that I do not believe that reconciliation is even a possibility, because without that fundamental desire to stop what they've been doing and start doing the moral and honorable thing, then rather than building a new, stronger marriage, the non-repentant WW will want to return things to "the way it was." A non-repentant WS will want to rugsweep (that means avoid it all and pretend like it never happened), and will partially always think the BS was to blame. So rather than facing themselves and changing at the core--a non-repentant WS will deflect, avoid, deny, project, gaslight, blameshift, manipulate and do all kinds of tactics!

So here's my thought. Look at your situation. From what you can tell is she showing any signs of true repentance? Or is she showing signs of wanting to sweep it all under the rug and have no consequences? If she is not actively seeking to change ON HER OWN (without you "helping" or "reminding her") then she will stay the woman she is today and that is who you have as a wife. Can you accept that? Do you have children yet? If she did this over and over again a couple more times, could you handle that? Because if she doesn't change--she won't change! She'll keep doing the same things.

That's where you have to decide. I'm sure there will be societal and moral and legal ramifications for you too, as the husband. The thing is--it's YOUR life, not ours. You can decide if you are willing to accept a woman as your wife who seems to have a weakness for cheating--or if you can not accept infidelity in your marriage. If you choose that you are a man who can not accept unfaithfulness in your spouse, and she is not willing to truly repent, then you go right ahead and made the decision you need to make. There's nothing wrong with being a faithful husband who removes an wife who commits adultery from his home. Yep, it hurts, but being an adult hurts sometimes.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
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post #73 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 08:39 PM
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Re: First Post

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You are correct; I found out by other means, although she confessed right away when I asked her if there was anything between her and OM besides just friendship. She confessed to sleeping with him. But I found out because one morning in December, she video-chatted me in FB and she was acting really funny, just talking weird and looking at me weird. So I checked her FB messenger because I had the password. I thought it might be a genuine problem of some sort; the last thing I expected to find out about was an affair, but there it was: explicit messages from the OM such as "are you on your period?" and "you're not letting me come on you", and an arrangement to meet in a hotel room, which I think is where she had just come from when she video-chatted me in that weird way. It was guilt that gave her away. She only confessed when caught. And as I explained in another thread, I am now wondering if she didn't have a second affair back in 2011.

And yes, the part of your post that I put in bold is extremely difficult for me to deal with. I just cannot fathom the fact that another man had his penis in my wife's vagina. I can't deal with it.
Can you get past the bold statement....I can accept a lot of things but the OM is telling your wife he wants to cum on her...exactly where do you think he wants to cum?
No way no how....get out...start over...yes it suxs but you'll be better off in the long run....
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post #74 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Thank you for your kind words & encouragement, bigfoot. I could really use them these days.
The thing is, there's more than enough Desi's here to make the dating process go smooth. There are many things counseling or therapy can address; BPD and family of origin issues, not so much.

I'm speaking from experience .
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post #75 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

I haven't read the entire thread but I can give the other perspective and tell you, even if she did "settle" that doesn't mean she didn't come to love you. I know because I settled for my wife after my first wife divorced me. I really wanted my first wife and didn't want the divorce and tried to find someone that looked like and acted like and was a duplicate of wife # 1. During the first year, I frequently addressed wife#2 by wife#1's name. It would drive her crazy.

My point is, after a year, I was madly in love with wife#2, especially after the birth of our first daughter. So you may be overstating things here. She may well have fallen in love and it was other issues - her own issues - that made her cheat.
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