I have a buddy I went to college with.
Great guy. Probably my closest friend.
He's a great big, fat slob though. Just an enormous pig
In the 30 years I have known him, I have never seen him with a woman that wasn't a 10.
Not an 8. Not a 9. Not a 9.5.
But a 10.
He has confidence running off him like fine oil.
He lines them up and then knocks them down.
You need confidence. A lot.
You don't think you good looking?
Change your paradigm - get to the gym. Pump that iron. Get yourself some swole arms, wide spread lats, poping pecs and some banging washboard abs.
You'll get some serious confidence when you set your goal of getting ripped and achieving it.
What not to do - sit around waiting for your wife to do something.
1) lawyer- find out your rights
2) Get to a doctor - get STD exam
3) Start divorce
4) make sure you eat
5) Make sure you get plenty of water
6) Make sure you get plenty of sleep
7) read up and start the 180
8) Get an appointment for IC tomorrow- you have some issues to work out
9) Finally, I have no clue who originally posted this but they are a pure genius:
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Thanks, snerg, for your advice & encouragement. At the ripe old age of 42, I think it's too late to seriously change my physique and I just don't have the time, energy, or motivation. I am just very tired these days. Regarding your list of 9 things, I've done 1 and 8. Regarding 7, I've asked a few times now and I still don't know what a "180" is. I sort of do 5 and 6. My body just shuts down at some point during the night. Regarding 2, I've not had sexual contact with my wife since her affair as it took place overseas. And I don't plan to when she comes home. I don't know if I even want to touch her.
Regarding 9 and the "Just Let Them Go" essay, I've asked her if she wanted to go with the OM. She denies that and says she wants to stay with me. When she left the country, I thought for sure she was leaving me for him - that if she hit it off with him when she got there, she would ask me for a divorce. That would have hurt very badly, but in some ways it would have been preferable to what is going on now.