First Post - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 108Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Why would you want to be a room mate with someone that every time you saw them, your mind has mental images of them schlepping some other guy??? Women find confident men attractive.

Have her served divorce papers where she is at right now.
That may be the thing to do, but at this point I'm not worried about being attractive to women.


D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:20 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Is she back in India right now? Is he?
Yes to both questions. She bought a ticket to come home in a couple of weeks.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #78 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 11:22 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Ghost the reason we advocate filing now is because you can always call off the divorce later. This way you are ahead of the game, you have the advantage and she will have to play catch-up. Wait a few months down the road and discover she is not really remorseful or contrite, and you will be those many months behind and that much further away from getting her poison out of your life.
That is a good point. I may start the process as soon as she comes back.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
 
post #79 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 12:40 AM
Member
 
manfromlamancha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2,333
Re: What NOT to Do

Hello Ghost Rider and sorry to have you here.

You need to snap out of this. I am assuming that you have no children so this should be relatively easy.

First, you need to work on your self-esteem. I do not believe that anybody is so unattractive that they have nothing to offer attractive women - not unless they are immoral, lying cheats. Which you are not! But your wife is - so you need to understand (as somebody else said in this thread) that she is the one who has self esteem issues as she really has nothing to offer anyone (least of all you).

Was the first OM from India too ? There might be some common features/characteristics between the two OM's and that maybe the type she is attracted to (or maybe not). In any case you need to understand that your wife is ****ing another man while you write all this.

Divorce the hell out of her and blow her life up. Anyone who is brazen, disrespectful and immoral enough to put you down in front of others by saying that she only married you for stability but openly gets her kicks elsewhere is not wife material!!! Do this quickly (ripping off a band-aid) as letting it go on only makes the pain worse and more damaging.

By the way, I have an above average understanding of the sub-continent culture(s) - which part of India are your parents from ? I am assuming that she is the same in ethnicity ? Religion ? Is that true for the two OM's (same ethnicity and religion) ? Or will she cheat with/lust after just about anyone ?

Read up on the 180 to heal your mind and boost your mental well being.

Take care of yourself.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
manfromlamancha is offline  
post #80 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:33 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,120
Cool Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
That is a good point. I may start the process as soon as she comes back.
I'd recommend starting and having the divorce filing process already done well before the time that her cheating butt reenters American airspace!

What a great homecoming gift for her to come back home to!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #81 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,107
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Thanks, Far Side Junky (by the way, I loved that cartoon, too). You are 100% correct. She is afraid of what her immediate family will think, and probably her extended family and friends, too. She thinks her family will ostracize her if they find out, and she may very well be correct. She thinks her parents will have heart attacks if they find out.
So, no consideration for you?

But you knew that when she was physical with OM.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #82 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 03:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 74
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Hello, everyone. I'm here and also registered at SurvivingInfidelity.com because I recently found out my wife of 15 years had a months-long affair with another man, first online and then a real, physical affair starting in October when she went overseas to see him. I found out in December, a few days before Christmas. She had told me he was just a friend who went to the same middle school she did, and I believed in her and trusted her so much that even though in hindsight there were some huge, flaming red flags, at the time I rationalized them away whenever I saw them. And the thing that blows my mind the most is that she was always the jealous one. She was the one who was always accusing me of flirting with other women, of looking at them and checking them out, of wanting to walk out on her at any moment, of wanting to screw practically anything that moves, of being the sicko and the perv in the relationship.

It has been the most heartbreaking, confusing, and stressful thing I have ever been through. And with a major complicating factor that I don't know if very many people here have had to deal with, that when she went overseas she left me alone to care for the niece of the guy she had an affair with, who was living with us and dependent on us at least for shelter and transportation to school and work.

I stumbled on this forum and the other website looking for advice because I never knew what to do or how to handle it. I suppose I will post my sob story later tonight, or at least as much of it as I feel comfortable writing.

I don't know what to do, whether to leave her or stay with her. I am afraid of both options. I am hoping to just die at some point. Thanks for reading.
Hi I can feel u r hurt lot but I am happy that u r not like other men who cheat their wife.u said that ur wife was jealous one it means she was really loving u loyally but she went into affair so something might have gone wrong with her,talk to her about this,don't get angry on her try to understand what she needs from you or else give one more chance to her without asking her a single question n without doubting her,forget all this be more good to her change urself according to her wish,so she may realize ur love n she will realise her fault n she will analyse herself n hope everything will be fine between both of you.
coolgal is offline  
post #83 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 04:08 AM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,487
Re: First Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Hello, everyone. I'm here and also registered at SurvivingInfidelity.com because I recently found out my wife of 15 years had a months-long affair with another man, first online and then a real, physical affair starting in October when she went overseas to see him. I found out in December, a few days before Christmas. She had told me he was just a friend who went to the same middle school she did, and I believed in her and trusted her so much that even though in hindsight there were some huge, flaming red flags, at the time I rationalized them away whenever I saw them. And the thing that blows my mind the most is that she was always the jealous one. She was the one who was always accusing me of flirting with other women, of looking at them and checking them out, of wanting to walk out on her at any moment, of wanting to screw practically anything that moves, of being the sicko and the perv in the relationship.

It has been the most heartbreaking, confusing, and stressful thing I have ever been through. And with a major complicating factor that I don't know if very many people here have had to deal with, that when she went overseas she left me alone to care for the niece of the guy she had an affair with, who was living with us and dependent on us at least for shelter and transportation to school and work.

I stumbled on this forum and the other website looking for advice because I never knew what to do or how to handle it. I suppose I will post my sob story later tonight, or at least as much of it as I feel comfortable writing.

I don't know what to do, whether to leave her or stay with her. I am afraid of both options. I am hoping to just die at some point. Thanks for reading.
My college sweetheart and post-D gf accused me of sleeping around. I wasn't. It was from

their own insecurity. Insecure people cheat. Good bet this affair was not her first rodeo.

She shamed you about sleeping around to hide her own guilt. Ever heard the old saying,

"The one who screams innocence the loudest is usually the guilty party"

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is online now  
post #84 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 05:17 AM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,166
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
That is a good point. I may start the process as soon as she comes back.
Why wait? So she can talk you out of it? So you can lose your resolve?

You know once she returns she going to put in the waterworks show and "act" all sorry. And you will cave and not go through with it.

Do it now. Have the petition waiting for her when she gets back. When she sees those papers she will either get defiant and tell you "okay...screw off", or she will collapse in a heap of real gurgling snot and tears begging you for a second chance. Either way you will be in control. It is about you staying in control of the situation, not her.

If she were truly sorry for what she has done, and truly wanting to save her marriage, she would have been on the next plane home. Instead she gets two more weeks with her lover. You're being weak my man.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #85 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:42 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by snerg View Post
PFFT!

I have a buddy I went to college with.

Great guy. Probably my closest friend.

He's a great big, fat slob though. Just an enormous pig

In the 30 years I have known him, I have never seen him with a woman that wasn't a 10.
Not an 8. Not a 9. Not a 9.5.
But a 10.

He has confidence running off him like fine oil.
He lines them up and then knocks them down.

You need confidence. A lot.
You don't think you good looking?
Change your paradigm - get to the gym. Pump that iron. Get yourself some swole arms, wide spread lats, poping pecs and some banging washboard abs.
You'll get some serious confidence when you set your goal of getting ripped and achieving it.

What not to do - sit around waiting for your wife to do something.

1) lawyer- find out your rights
2) Get to a doctor - get STD exam
3) Start divorce
4) make sure you eat
5) Make sure you get plenty of water
6) Make sure you get plenty of sleep
7) read up and start the 180
8) Get an appointment for IC tomorrow- you have some issues to work out
9) Finally, I have no clue who originally posted this but they are a pure genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Thanks, snerg, for your advice & encouragement. At the ripe old age of 42, I think it's too late to seriously change my physique and I just don't have the time, energy, or motivation. I am just very tired these days. Regarding your list of 9 things, I've done 1 and 8. Regarding 7, I've asked a few times now and I still don't know what a "180" is. I sort of do 5 and 6. My body just shuts down at some point during the night. Regarding 2, I've not had sexual contact with my wife since her affair as it took place overseas. And I don't plan to when she comes home. I don't know if I even want to touch her.

Regarding 9 and the "Just Let Them Go" essay, I've asked her if she wanted to go with the OM. She denies that and says she wants to stay with me. When she left the country, I thought for sure she was leaving me for him - that if she hit it off with him when she got there, she would ask me for a divorce. That would have hurt very badly, but in some ways it would have been preferable to what is going on now.


D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #86 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:45 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
The thing is, there's more than enough Desi's here to make the dating process go smooth. There are many things counseling or therapy can address; BPD and family of origin issues, not so much.

I'm speaking from experience .

Thanks, John. I would be interested in hearing about your experiences some time. They may already be in this forum somewhere. I appreciate it.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #87 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
I haven't read the entire thread but I can give the other perspective and tell you, even if she did "settle" that doesn't mean she didn't come to love you. I know because I settled for my wife after my first wife divorced me. I really wanted my first wife and didn't want the divorce and tried to find someone that looked like and acted like and was a duplicate of wife # 1. During the first year, I frequently addressed wife#2 by wife#1's name. It would drive her crazy.

My point is, after a year, I was madly in love with wife#2, especially after the birth of our first daughter. So you may be overstating things here. She may well have fallen in love and it was other issues - her own issues - that made her cheat.
Thanks, Secondguessing, maybe she loved or loves me. I didn't mean to imply that she didn't at all. But this is too much.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #88 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:57 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by manfromlamancha View Post
Hello Ghost Rider and sorry to have you here.

You need to snap out of this. I am assuming that you have no children so this should be relatively easy.

First, you need to work on your self-esteem. I do not believe that anybody is so unattractive that they have nothing to offer attractive women - not unless they are immoral, lying cheats. Which you are not! But your wife is - so you need to understand (as somebody else said in this thread) that she is the one who has self esteem issues as she really has nothing to offer anyone (least of all you).

Was the first OM from India too ? There might be some common features/characteristics between the two OM's and that maybe the type she is attracted to (or maybe not). In any case you need to understand that your wife is ****ing another man while you write all this.

Divorce the hell out of her and blow her life up. Anyone who is brazen, disrespectful and immoral enough to put you down in front of others by saying that she only married you for stability but openly gets her kicks elsewhere is not wife material!!! Do this quickly (ripping off a band-aid) as letting it go on only makes the pain worse and more damaging.

By the way, I have an above average understanding of the sub-continent culture(s) - which part of India are your parents from ? I am assuming that she is the same in ethnicity ? Religion ? Is that true for the two OM's (same ethnicity and religion) ? Or will she cheat with/lust after just about anyone ?

Read up on the 180 to heal your mind and boost your mental well being.

Take care of yourself.
Thanks, manfromlamancha, for your advice & encouragement. I've always wondered if my wife had self-esteem issues deep down, even though she always talked a loud, good game. Just because she was always so hurt by small things that people say and do, that most of us would not think anything of or consider a minor irritation at most.

By the first OM, are you referring to the guy who got her drunk and took her to a hotel in 2011? I can't remember if I mentioned him here or in my introductory thread. Anyway, if that's who you're referring to, then yes, that took place over there, too. If no, then maybe you know something about her that I don't.

My parents are from Delhi. Yes, she has the same ethnicity. I am Christian, and she is Hindu, but she also has a Christian side of her family. Yes, both of the OM's are from there as well. I don't think she will go after just anyone. I think guys like these she considers to be handsome and they had some of that mystery-type appeal for her. I still don't know if she slept with the first OM, but in hindsight there were some interactions with him that should have been red flags. I don't know. It's all so messed up. Thanks again.

I'm still trying to figure out what the "180" is.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #89 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:00 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Ghost Rider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: That Wilderness Road
Posts: 51
Re: What NOT to Do

Quote:
Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
I'd recommend starting and having the divorce filing process already done well before the time that her cheating butt reenters American airspace!

What a great homecoming gift for her to come back home to!
I will talk to our lawyer. Thanks, arbitrator.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
Ghost Rider is offline  
post #90 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:04 AM
Forum Supporter
 
anchorwatch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: on the Island
Posts: 3,485
Re: What NOT to Do

@Ghost Rider, why do have so little self-confidence and self-worth? Have you thought about that?

Have you browsed the reading suggested on your other thread? NMMNG

Here... The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

The Simplified 180

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.

Be a better man... / ADHD and Marriage

Last edited by anchorwatch; 03-10-2017 at 07:11 AM.
anchorwatch is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
post pic Grapes Technical Difficulties? 1 02-02-2017 11:56 AM
Default "follow" when you post or "like" ? lucy999 Suggestion Box 4 09-19-2016 03:11 PM
Friend hid Facebook post from me crystalh12 General Relationship Discussion 11 06-10-2016 09:36 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome