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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #91 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Why wait? So she can talk you out of it? So you can lose your resolve?

You know once she returns she going to put in the waterworks show and "act" all sorry. And you will cave and not go through with it.

Do it now. Have the petition waiting for her when she gets back. When she sees those papers she will either get defiant and tell you "okay...screw off", or she will collapse in a heap of real gurgling snot and tears begging you for a second chance. Either way you will be in control. It is about you staying in control of the situation, not her.

If she were truly sorry for what she has done, and truly wanting to save her marriage, she would have been on the next plane home. Instead she gets two more weeks with her lover. You're being weak my man.
Thanks again, bandit, I am seriously considering this. Supposedly, she is not with him right now. But in fairness, I have been the one holding her off. I told her I needed time to myself to figure out what our next steps are. She bought a ticket home against my wishes.


D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #92 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:08 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Thanks again, bandit, I am seriously considering this. Supposedly, she is not with him right now. But in fairness, I have been the one holding her off. I told her I needed time to myself to figure out what our next steps are. She bought a ticket home against my wishes.
She is.

Come on, man... pull your head out of the sand.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #93 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by anchorwatch View Post
@Ghost Rider, why do have so little self-confidence and self-worth? Have you thought about that?

Have you browsed the reading suggested on your other thread? NMMNG
Thanks, anchorwatch, I guess I've always been like that. It takes a lot of thinking and time and effort to figure out things that you've been ingrained with since childhood and how to reverse them when you're middle-aged. I don't think I'm totally hopeless but there probably is room for improvement. I'm very frustrated because just as I had been rejected by several girls or women I had liked throughout my life, I took this as a rejection from my wife, too. And I told her that, too, but then she denied that she meant it that way. Whatever. Insert eye roll here. I remember her raving about how handsome her OM and other guys were. She can't revise history now.

I have downloaded the file and will peruse it when I get a chance over the weekend.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #94 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:12 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Thanks, snerg, for your advice & encouragement. At the ripe old age of 42, I think it's too late to seriously change my physique
I'm quite a bit older than you and I lift almost daily
There's a guy at the guy I go to that is 74 and he still competes in power lifting tournaments across the country.
Age is only a mental block for change
You can change at any age. You have to make the effort.

Change starts when you take the first step.


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Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
and I just don't have the time, energy, or motivation.
These are excuses. Stop making them

Even going to a gym for 15 minutes and just starting is a great first step.

Getting yourself to the gym will not only help you physically, but it help you mentally.
If you're friendly, a gym is a neat place to just meet people and talk for as much or little as you want (getting that small human contact is great for mental health).



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I am just very tired these days.
Two things:
1) Get tested for depression. I would be very surprised if you aren't at least a bit depressed
2) Get Testosterone levels checked. You would be amazed how being tired all the time is linked to LowT.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
I've asked a few times now and I still don't know what a "180" is.
Google the 180.
It's a process for you to detach from your spouse so you can start to heal.

it is not a method to get the cheater back!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
Regarding 9 and the "Just Let Them Go" essay, I've asked her if she wanted to go with the OM. She denies that and says she wants to stay with me.
You're misunderstanding Just Let Them GO.

Please reread it.

It's not about you asking her if she wants to be with the OM.

She has already decided that.

It's about you freeing yourself from the bonds of a cheating spouse.

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #95 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Here is the 180...

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare

The Simplified 180

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #96 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
She is.

Come on, man... pull your head out of the sand.
If she is, I will find out. No doubt about it.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #97 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by snerg View Post
I'm quite a bit older than you and I lift almost daily
There's a guy at the guy I go to that is 74 and he still competes in power lifting tournaments across the country.
Age is only a mental block for change
You can change at any age. You have to make the effort.

Change starts when you take the first step.



These are excuses. Stop making them

Even going to a gym for 15 minutes and just starting is a great first step.

Getting yourself to the gym will not only help you physically, but it help you mentally.
If you're friendly, a gym is a neat place to just meet people and talk for as much or little as you want (getting that small human contact is great for mental health).





Two things:
1) Get tested for depression. I would be very surprised if you aren't at least a bit depressed
2) Get Testosterone levels checked. You would be amazed how being tired all the time is linked to LowT.





Google the 180.
It's a process for you to detach from your spouse so you can start to heal.

it is not a method to get the cheater back!





You're misunderstanding Just Let Them GO.

Please reread it.

It's not about you asking her if she wants to be with the OM.

She has already decided that.

It's about you freeing yourself from the bonds of a cheating spouse.
Thanks again, snerg. I also would not be surprised to find out I'm depressed. I think I just need some time to deal with that.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #98 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by anchorwatch View Post
Here is the 180...

The 180 U Turn - Affaircare
Thanks, I will read up.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #99 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
Ghostrider,

What you have found out is probably only the tip of the iceberg. You need to take action now.
Do not make any decisions at the moment as you are not in the right place to do so.

I know culturally, you and your family may have a tendency to sweep this one under the rug and just suffer on. That would be a mistake. Expose her and her OM for what they are, let her family, your family and friends know about this. She blew up the marriage not you. She did this not you. Let her family grapple with the shame, it is not your burden to carrry, you married someone who wasn't what you thought she was, they sold you a dud basically.

Get a lawyer, draw up the papers
Ask lawyer for advice on financial support, etc
Go to therapy for yourself to deal with the emotional turmoil
Get out and about, go to the gym, join a club, etc do things for yourself

It is likely this is not the first time she has cheated. I hope you do not have kids? If not do not have kids with this woman, you can marry someone much better than her.
You souund like a nice solid guy, but go scorched earth on her, there is no other way.
You are right; it may very well not be the first time. Last year, after her online affair started with her OM, she told me that when she went to India in 2011, one of her friends from childhood got her totally drunk and took her to a hotel and tried to have sex with her. She claimed she did not reciprocate or have sex with him but now I know that she is entirely capable of it. So that guy could have been an OM, too. God knows if there ever has been anyone else. I have always been clueless. For what it's worth, I have been talking to our lawyer and a counselor. And sometimes I do things for myself.

No, we don't have children. I would not have minded having children in the past, but after marrying her, and seeing how she treated me and finding out how she was treated in her family of origin, I gave up on the idea. I didn't see why she would treat her child any differently if she had one. I wanted the cycle of abuse to stop with her. Sometimes she says she wants to conceive by IVF (now that we are a little older) but I have no desire.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #100 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
You were her chump,to put it simply.

You should familiarize yourself with Chump Lady. She has many good articles.

https://www.chumplady.com
Thanks, Satya, I will check out that blog.


D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #101 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Ghost Rider, the pity party routine is over the top.

Here is the bottom line:

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

In other words, stop telling posters why their suggestions won't work, have a warm shot of "**** it, I'll try that", and actually DO something.

Those who want bad enough will find a way. Those who don't will find excuses.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #102 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:50 AM
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Re: First Post

Ghost Rider, you have two threads going over the same subject. Speaking as a moderator, it needs to be one thread. I can either merge the two threads, or I can close one. Which would you prefer?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #103 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Ghost Rider, you have two threads going over the same subject. Speaking as a moderator, it needs to be one thread. I can either merge the two threads, or I can close one. Which would you prefer?
You can merge them. I didn't intend for it to turn out that way. Even I started getting confused.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #104 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Ghost Rider, the pity party routine is over the top.

Here is the bottom line:

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

In other words, stop telling posters why their suggestions won't work, have a warm shot of "**** it, I'll try that", and actually DO something.

Those who want bad enough will find a way. Those who don't will find excuses.
I will tell my full story as soon as I can. Maybe people are getting impatient.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #105 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: First Post

Speaking as a Moderator:

The two threads are now merged.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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