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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:12 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

It is not a lack of patience. It is watching you absolutely bathe in the sympathy when it is provided, while finding excuses to not do every suggestion that would require action on your part.

You want sympathy. You don't want to do anything that would help the situation.

Why?

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I will tell my full story as soon as I can. Maybe people are getting impatient.



"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #107 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Thanks again, bandit, I am seriously considering this. Supposedly, she is not with him right now. But in fairness, I have been the one holding her off. I told her I needed time to myself to figure out what our next steps are. She bought a ticket home against my wishes.
She told you she is not with him....

And you believe her? The one who lied and hid and snuck around behind your back?
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post #108 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: First Post

Ghost,

Can i just add, that i hope you don't think we are emotionally beating you up, if anything i want you to see that we are here for you...through our advice, our words, our help for you as the BS......that as we read your story and others on here, we get angry for you, and we rally to provide you with actionable ideas, words of support, reference books, and yes sometimes we shake you up to help clear your mind, to help focus on you first, and then your relationship. You did not ask for this to happen to you, you had love and you had trust, and that has been either taken away or severely damaged. Consider this emotional triage on you.
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post #109 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: First Post

And remember that your wife's abuse of you is one of degrees. She has slowly ratcheted her play up over the years, and slowly desensitized you to what she is doing. The boiling frog syndrome is what they call it.
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post #110 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:50 AM
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Re: First Post

Send her a note to not bother coming home. Then call her parents and tell them what she has been up to.
The divorce should follow soon after.
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post #111 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:53 AM
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Re: First Post

Thanks for your response SpaceGhost. Were the 2 OMs Christians too ?

Listen, you need to understand that she will always be a player/cheater. She was doing this before she met you and will continue to do this. I don't have your full story but I strongly urge you to dump her. Don't worry about her parents being ashamed or whatever - they probably know what she is up to anyway and were hoping you would take her off their hands and make it your problem.

You don't need to put up with this. As I said you have a lot going for you. For every one like her I can find you a dozen decent Indian girls from Goa, Mangalore/Bangalore, Bombay, Bengal (Anglo Indians), Kerala and Tamil Nadu and even Mizoram - all Christian if you like - Catholics, Syrian Orthodox (Kerala), Protestants whatever takes your fancy. I am guessing you don't know this because you grew up in the USA but your parents should tell you this. By the way, I have not come across many Christians in Delhi - still some of the best food in India there

This is not going to get better because it is not in her DNA! She is going to be a repeat offender and this is not the person you need to be with for the rest of your life.

When you get enough posts and have the ability to send private messages I would like to hear your full story although maybe you could share it in a non-revealing manner. Do you suspect that she is looking at what sites you visit etc ?

Take care.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #112 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: First Post

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Send her a note to not bother coming home. Then call her parents and tell them what she has been up to.
The divorce should follow soon after.
This would be optimal. Ghost can do a POD shipment of her clothes and belongings over to her later on.
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post #113 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Thanks, snerg, for your advice & encouragement. At the ripe old age of 42, I think it's too late to seriously change my physique and I just don't have the time, energy, or motivation. I am just very tired these days.
FYI, 42 is not too old to change your physique. I had times in my life when I also didn't have the energy to commit to a gym. The surprising thing is that starting to seriously exercise is what gave me energy and motivation. I force myself to go lift weights the first three times. After that, I started wanting to go. It's a real positive life changer.
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post #114 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I will tell my full story as soon as I can. Maybe people are getting impatient.
People are getting frustrated because of your indecisiveness and passive nature. When others have acted the same under similar circumstances, it has never worked out in the history of the universe. EVER.

And to counter your belief that you can't improve your physique at 42, I'm probably in the best physical shape of my life at almost 50 and I did it all in the past year.
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post #115 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
It is not a lack of patience. It is watching you absolutely bathe in the sympathy when it is provided, while finding excuses to not do every suggestion that would require action on your part.

You want sympathy. You don't want to do anything that would help the situation.

Why?
I know I know!

Because he's still in the shock and awe stage, still reeling from it all, and he is unable to take affirmative action at this time.

I was there at the start of my divorce, and then, like Rocky did, after taking countless bunches to the chin with my hands at my sides, somewhere around round 20 I pulled myself up by the ropes, stumbled to stand on my unsteady feet, wiped the blood and sweat out of my eyes, planted my feet and started hitting back.

Eye of the Tiger.



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post #116 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I know I know!

Because he's still in the shock and awe stage, still reeling from it all, and he is unable to take affirmative action at this time.

I was there at the start of my divorce, and then, like Rocky did, after taking countless bunches to the chin with my hands at my sides, somewhere around round 20 I pulled myself up by the ropes, stumbled to stand on my unsteady feet, wiped the blood and sweat out of my eyes, planted my feet and started hitting back.

Eye of the Tiger.

Rocky did it with body shots. Tequila out of a hot chick's belly button.
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post #117 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I know I know!

Because he's still in the shock and awe stage, still reeling from it all, and he is unable to take affirmative action at this time.

I was there at the start of my divorce, and then, like Rocky did, after taking countless bunches to the chin with my hands at my sides, somewhere around round 20 I pulled myself up by the ropes, stumbled to stand on my unsteady feet, wiped the blood and sweat out of my eyes, planted my feet and started hitting back.

Eye of the Tiger.

He's cut..... it's a bad cut. Round 2 and up to Round 3..... best part of IV

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #118 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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I will tell my full story as soon as I can. Maybe people are getting impatient.
I don't know that it's important to tell your life story. You've told the salient details of the infidelity and you need help to get out of infidelity, if that's what you want to do. The good people on this thread have given you the tools and means to do just that. You've had 3 months to digest this so it's not like you found out last week.

If you want to wallow around and eventually resort to rug sweeping because it is easier, keep doing what you're doing. If you want your new life to commence, then start following the advice in this thread. Good luck to you.
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post #119 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

It wasn't my intention to have a mindless pity party. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I will post more later. I'm sorting through a lot right now. Not everything is as simple and quick as you would like it to be. Have a nice day.

D-Day: December 22, 2016
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post #120 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: First Post

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It wasn't my intention to have a mindless pity party. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I will post more later. I'm sorting through a lot right now. Not everything is as simple and quick as you would like it to be. Have a nice day.
You are hoping for someone to say, "this can be worked out", so that you do not have to go through with the D. It's time for you to get angry! I can promise you that your WW *knows* you aren't going to dole out the D. She *knows* she can get back in your good graces with empty promises and excessive tears. I don't know you from Adam, but I already know this much about you.

And then once the storm has calmed? She will do it to you all over again. I promise you that.

Have her served immediately. You do not have to follow through with it afterward, but her being served so quick will be the best slap in the face she'll ever receive. And yes, tell her family. She doesn't get to avoid the embarrassment and shame her actions have brought YOU.
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