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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: First Post

[QUOTE=Primrose;17503058]You are hoping for someone to say, "this can be worked out", so that you do not have to go through with the D. It's time for you to get angry! I can promise you that your WW *knows* you aren't going to dole out the D. She *knows* she can get back in your good graces with empty promises and excessive tears. I don't know you from Adam, but I already know this much about you.

And then once the storm has calmed? She will do it to you all over again. I promise you that.

Have her served immediately. You do not have to follow through with it afterward, but her being served so quick will be the best slap in the face she'll ever receive. And yes, tell her family. She doesn't get to avoid the embarrassment and shame her actions have brought YOU.[/QUOTE]

This whole reply is true. You need to do the bold part for any chance of success.

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post #122 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: First Post

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It wasn't my intention to have a mindless pity party. I'm sorry if I came off that way. I will post more later. I'm sorting through a lot right now. Not everything is as simple and quick as you would like it to be. Have a nice day.
Just put one foot in front of the other. It's on your time line now, @Ghost Rider. You don't have to rush for anyone, not us and not her. Its all about you. Do you understand?

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #123 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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She has to come home from overseas first, which will happen in a couple of weeks. Honestly, I'm not sure if I want D or R. I'm afraid of both. I will see how she acts toward me. I just want to be like roommates.
No you don't want to be like roommates. You need to focus on YOU. You really don't need to worry about her desires at this point. This wasnt a mistake. She had this planned out. Sounds like she has been disrespectful for a long time and what she did is the ultimate disrespect. You need to make her feel the consequences for her actions.
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post #124 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:11 AM
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Thanks, Far Side Junky (by the way, I loved that cartoon, too). You are 100% correct. She is afraid of what her immediate family will think, and probably her extended family and friends, too. She thinks her family will ostracize her if they find out, and she may very well be correct. She thinks her parents will have heart attacks if they find out.
If you have not exposed the affair to your family and hers you should do it NOW. Again there are consequences and she needs to feel those.
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post #125 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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FYI, 42 is not too old to change your physique. I had times in my life when I also didn't have the energy to commit to a gym. The surprising thing is that starting to seriously exercise is what gave me energy and motivation. I force myself to go lift weights the first three times. After that, I started wanting to go. It's a real positive life changer.
Ghost,I am 55 and am in the best shape of my life. I started working out last summer so you are NOT too old. You CAN change your appearance (my wife LOVES my new look). You need to do this for YOU.

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post #126 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: First Post

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If you have not exposed the affair to your family and hers you should do it NOW. Again there are consequences and she needs to feel those.
I'm not a big fan of exposure especially if there's a divorce pending because it will only increase the hostilities and make the divorce that much more difficult and expensive, and exposing seems like an act of petty revenge. Except in the case where the betrayed partner is trying to 'bring the cheater back to reality by breaking them out of the affair fog". I understand that exposure may be beneficial to the betrayed spouse because it shows everyone else that he or she is not the bad guy, but I'm not understanding why "teaching her a lesson is so important". I'm thinking he needs to get to the point where he doesn't care what she thinks and feels.
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post #127 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: First Post

You do not specify what country your wife is from, however, if she is from South Asia, the far east, or the middle east, the best way to handle this is to ensure that her family back home is made aware of even the slightest hint of scandal. Once they are done with her, you can assess whether or not you want her. (My experience here is limited to one family from India, who disowned their daughter, but would not allow her to return to the US, and one middle eastern family (Somali) she was caught giving oral to a guy in his van by her husband. She was sent back to Somalia, the ex has no idea what became of her, the divorce was uncontested)
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post #128 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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As I said in my first post in the off-topic area, my wife was always the jealous one. So when I think of my sleep test, I remember how a female technician put the probes and sensors on me and how my wife was so jealous and thought I had the hots for the technician...and then several months later she was the one who had an affair (smh).
She was PROJECTING her feelings on to you. In other words, she wanted to cheat, was flirting with men hoping to get laid, and just assumed then that YOU were also cheating and trying to screw other women. It was a bad early warning sign.
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post #129 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: First Post

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. I understand that exposure may be beneficial to the betrayed spouse because it shows everyone else that he or she is not the bad guy, but I'm not understanding why "teaching her a lesson is so important". I'm thinking he needs to get to the point where he doesn't care what she thinks and feels.
I am not advocating that he teach her a lesson. She needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions. He also does need to make sure she doesn't rewrite their history to the family.
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post #130 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: First Post

You can't teach a wayward a lesson. You cannot punish them. All you can do is remove yourself from their dysfunction and take yourself completely out of the equation.

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post #131 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: First Post

I disagree, I think you can. BUT.... how often do you hear "I was wrong?" NOT often.

The key is, YOU know. It took 20 years for me to hear -i was wrong-from my 1st and 2nd love. Took a year

to hear it from my XW. But if you knew you were right to begin with, their affirmation, is NOT needed.

That would put your emotional well-being in another person's hands. VERY unhealthy.

If you feel in your heart you did the professional thing, WGAFF what other's think?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #132 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: First Post

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I am not advocating that he teach her a lesson. She needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
I'm not seeing the difference between "teaching her a lesson" and "getting her to understand there are consequences to her actions"
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post #133 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 08:42 PM
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Re: First Post

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I'm not seeing the difference between "teaching her a lesson" and "getting her to understand there are consequences to her actions"
I agree. If you need to imagine somehow there is a difference, just knowing the consequence for her actions is that you aren't with her and that is the main lesson she should learn, should be more than enough satisfaction.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #134 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:05 PM
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I'm not seeing the difference between "teaching her a lesson" and "getting her to understand there are consequences to her actions"
Would you suggest he do nothing? How well has that done so far? Getting her to understand means just that. It will try to force her to think about what she has done. The intent is NOT too punish but to get her to think about what she has done.
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