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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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First Post

Hello, everyone. I'm here and also registered at SurvivingInfidelity.com because I recently found out my wife of 15 years had a months-long affair with another man, first online and then a real, physical affair starting in October when she went overseas to see him. I found out in December, a few days before Christmas. She had told me he was just a friend who went to the same middle school she did, and I believed in her and trusted her so much that even though in hindsight there were some huge, flaming red flags, at the time I rationalized them away whenever I saw them. And the thing that blows my mind the most is that she was always the jealous one. She was the one who was always accusing me of flirting with other women, of looking at them and checking them out, of wanting to walk out on her at any moment, of wanting to screw practically anything that moves, of being the sicko and the perv in the relationship.

It has been the most heartbreaking, confusing, and stressful thing I have ever been through. And with a major complicating factor that I don't know if very many people here have had to deal with, that when she went overseas she left me alone to care for the niece of the guy she had an affair with, who was living with us and dependent on us at least for shelter and transportation to school and work.

I stumbled on this forum and the other website looking for advice because I never knew what to do or how to handle it. I suppose I will post my sob story later tonight, or at least as much of it as I feel comfortable writing.

I don't know what to do, whether to leave her or stay with her. I am afraid of both options. I am hoping to just die at some point. Thanks for reading.

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post #2 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: First Post

Time to get mad. Find your balls. You are a man and will not tolerate this. You are divorcing her. You don't want her back.

How the hell did you end up caring for the OM's niece? We need to hear this.

Start by reading No More Mr Nice Guy. Free download here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf
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post #3 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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What NOT to Do

As someone who recently found out about his wife's affair, if there is anyone reading this forum who is considering getting married, I can tell you what not to do to help ensure long-term success in your marriage: Do NOT marry somebody who you know is just settling for you because they couldn't get the one they really wanted. I knew this was happening but I rationalized it away. I made this mistake 15 years ago because I have never been the type of guy who could just have any woman he wants any time (those kinds of guys are out there, including my wife's eventual OM, and I don't know how they do it) and I was afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. But ever since, I have been nothing but a huge disappointment to my wife, who before we were married would have dumped me in a flash had the guy she had been in love with for years been able to tell her he loved her. Now that I have found out about the affair (the OM is not the same guy she was in love with 15 years ago) she is acting all remorseful and denying that she was ever disappointed in me, but I am not letting her revise history. She was disappointed in just about every aspect of my life and personality. I will never be as attractive physically as her first love or the OM, and I'll never have the personalities they had that appealed to her so much. She was even disappointed in my sleep apnea. I'll never forget how her upper lip curled in disgust when she looked at me and reminded me of my sleep apnea.

So don't ruin your life with somebody like this. If you know for a fact your prospective marriage partner is with you because they couldn't get the one they really wanted, then RUN FOR THE HILLS. Have the confidence that you will find somebody who loves you for you - and spare yourself years upon years of misery and heartbreak.
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post #4 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Simplify it even more, Dont get married.
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post #5 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Okay...first off...you are not a disappointment.

You have talents and strengths and lots of good qualities or else she would not have married you. But yes, some women, in fact many, choose men who are not their ideal. She may have even had the same motivation to marry you as you did her. She probably felt she had nothing to offer men so she took the first guy since her ex boyfriend/OM who showed interest in her.

Yeah, you got used, but not because of what you lacked. You brought something worthwhile to the table and she decided to marry you.

So tell us your story! Tell us about you, how you met your wife, how long you were married and how you discovered her affair. I'm also going to flag this for the mods and ask them to move it over to Coping With Infidelity. You could use the TAM army.

Oh, and I have had sleep apnea. Understand that both beautiful people and not-so-beautiful people get apnea. It is a very common and very dangerous disorder. Are you overweight? If so you can fix that, and that will most likely solve your apnea also.
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post #6 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 12:52 PM
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Re: First Post

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Originally Posted by Ghost Rider View Post
I don't know what to do, whether to leave her or stay with her. I am afraid of both options. I am hoping to just die at some point. Thanks for reading.
It takes time to get to the realization that leaving is the better option. As long as you are with her, this will never stop eating at you. After the shock wears off, followed by anxiety attacks, acute sadness you will likely have long term depression. Eventually you'll likely become disgusted at yourself for not leaving. I once chose reconciliation with a girlfriend over something that happened early in our relationship. Even though she has been a nice, stable, and trustworthy wife for a few years, those thoughts about being settled for still are always there. Like I said, this was when we were dating. Your situation happened after marriage, which magnifies the amount of misery you'll continue to go through if you stay.

There are a very few exceptions in which the cheating spouse genuinely regrets their actions and will willingly do whatever it takes to make things relatively better. What has your wife's attitude been like for the past 2 1/2 months?
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post #7 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Simplify it even more, Dont get married.
What can I say? It's not like I have a good counter-argument, at this point.
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post #8 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Okay...first off...you are not a disappointment.

You have talents and strengths and lots of good qualities or else she would not have married you. But yes, some women, in fact many, choose men who are not their ideal. She may have even had the same motivation to marry you as you did her. She probably felt she had nothing to offer men so she took the first guy since her ex boyfriend/OM who showed interest in her.

Yeah, you got used, but not because of what you lacked. You brought something worthwhile to the table and she decided to marry you.

So tell us your story! Tell us about you, how you met your wife, how long you were married and how you discovered her affair. I'm also going to flag this for the mods and ask them to move it over to Coping With Infidelity. You could use the TAM army.

Oh, and I have had sleep apnea. Understand that both beautiful people and not-so-beautiful people get apnea. It is a very common and very dangerous disorder. Are you overweight? If so you can fix that, and that will most likely solve your apnea also.
Thank you for your nice words, Bandit. I think what I offered was mainly a good salary and U.S. citizenship, as she was an international student when we met in college, so I could give her a good, comfortable life, even though I would never be the kind of guy she really wanted. Even before marriage she would fight with me over stupid things and threaten to leave me, and I would cling to her and try to keep her from leaving. It's not a healthy dynamic for a relationship. She learned early on that she could deal with me in this way any time she wanted.

Eventually I will post my story but I may wait until I have 30 posts so I can post in the private area of the forum. There will be some things I would not want her to see if she were ever to surf this site. But I can't really tell my story without them.

I don't think I'm overweight even though I have gained 20 pounds or so over the last several years. I think I was underweight back then. My sleep apnea may be genetic. My dad used to snore like a freight train. He may have had it and was never diagnosed.

Thanks again for your encouraging words. I could really use them.
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post #9 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Thank you for your nice words, Bandit. I think what I offered was mainly a good salary and U.S. citizenship....
Ah haaaaaaaa!

Where is she from? What country do you live in?
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post #10 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Ah haaaaaaaa!

Where is she from? What country do you live in?
We are in the United States. She is Indian. I am the same ethnicity, but born and raised here.

She was never shy about telling anybody and everybody in our families and circle of friends.

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post #11 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

Sleep apnea is very dangerous. I had a close childhood friend, same age as myself, die in his sleep about six or seven years ago. His wife woke up next to him one morning and he was cold dead. Just like that. Left behind her and two kids.

Have you been to a sleep lab and have yourself tested? A CPAP machine will help you sleep better, and you won't have so many episodes where you stop breathing. I used a C-PAP for a couple of years. I also lost a lot of weight and that cured it for me.
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post #12 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:26 PM
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Re: What NOT to Do

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We are in the United States. She is Indian. I am the same ethnicity, but born and raised here.

She was never shy about telling anybody and everybody in our families and circle of friends.
You know what I'm about to tell you don't you?
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post #13 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Sleep apnea is very dangerous. I had a close childhood friend, same age as myself, die in his sleep about six or seven years ago. His wife woke up next to him one morning and he was cold dead. Just like that. Left behind her and two kids.

Have you been to a sleep lab and have yourself tested? A CPAP machine will help you sleep better, and you won't have so many episodes where you stop breathing. I used a C-PAP for a couple of years. I also lost a lot of weight and that cured it for me.
Yes, I have been tested and do have the machine. It certainly does help. I am sorry for the loss of your childhood friend.

As I said in my first post in the off-topic area, my wife was always the jealous one. So when I think of my sleep test, I remember how a female technician put the probes and sensors on me and how my wife was so jealous and thought I had the hots for the technician...and then several months later she was the one who had an affair (smh).
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post #14 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What NOT to Do

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You know what I'm about to tell you don't you?
No?
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post #15 of 134 (permalink) Old 03-09-2017, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: First Post

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Time to get mad. Find your balls. You are a man and will not tolerate this. You are divorcing her. You don't want her back.

How the hell did you end up caring for the OM's niece? We need to hear this.

Start by reading No More Mr Nice Guy. Free download here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf
Thanks, Guy in Colorado, I appreciate your encouraging words. I will probably wait until I can tell the story in the private forum, after I get to 30 posts. There will probably be some details that I will not want her to see if she ever happens to surf this site. I will definitely check out the pdf file.
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