Living in Limbo - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:36 AM Thread Starter
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Living in Limbo

Hey I'm new to this website page but hoping I can find support not criticism..
I am seperated for 10 months...married 17 years.. me and my wife have had a pretty good solid marriage...OR so I thought..I found out 3 yrs ago she had an emotional affair with a guy from work...from that moment my life forever changed..I questioned everything.. I decided to stay and try to work thru it was her cause I adored my wife...it was a roller coaster..one day was great and the other awful.. we would argue like never b4. I said things I never did b4. I called her a ***** and how she destroyed our family..she slowly became someone I didn't know...going out, working out...just a big change...in the heat of an argument I kicked her out...I couldn't stop obsessing about the other guy ..and I never believed her anymore..we are on 10 months and she says she just needs time...wee have not as much kissed in 3 years...I'm stuck in a spot of giving her time or leaving...but so badly want to live our life out together like we planned...

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 06:59 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

Others will be here to help, but I will toss out my thoughts:
* no intimacy, at all for 3 years is not a marriage, it is a sham. Not sure whose fault it is, but that indicates your WW (wayward wife) probably is in a PA, not an EA. Why would you want to stay married if there is no intimacy?
* the roller coaster is normal
* you need to get out of infidelity, her needing time is keeping you in limbo. Her needing time is cheater speak for I want to bang my OM (other man). She needs to move back and be remorseful through actions or you need to file for D.
* her affair killed you ever living your life out like you planned, she lost being on board to those plans once the EA started. You need to think that the W you knew is no longer her, she is gone and replaced by your WW.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:04 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

First of all I highly doubt it was nothing more than an emotional affair if she was in daily contact with the guy.

Second of all, it doesn't sound like she's interested in coming back so it's not a matter of what you want because there's a second person in this equation and you can't divide by zero or something like that.

You need to accept that this isn't going to be fixable because you have no control over her and her decisions, you've already wasted 3 years of your life waiting around for a cheater to come home, it's time to pack your emotional bags and move on with your life.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

The very first thing that you should know is that an emotional affair with a co-worker is a physical affair.

Same thing goes for an EA with a neighbor, the Fed Ex guy, the milk man, or anyone else to whom the cheating spouse has any sort of regular physical access.

In your specific case, given all that time that's passed, it's likely that your wife has been involved with more than just the one OM.

After all, when a wayward cites a need for "time and space", what they're actually saying is, "I'm not done cheating just yet."

Get out of limbo and file.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:24 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post

The very first thing that you should know is that an emotional affair with a co-worker is a physical affair.
Absolutely True!

It amazes me how many BS come here and talk about their WW 1 year emotional affair with co-worker? What do they think they're doing... alone for hours at work or lunch?

Working?

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

Quote:
Originally Posted by kootz View Post
Hey I'm new to this website page but hoping I can find support not criticism..
I am seperated for 10 months...married 17 years.. me and my wife have had a pretty good solid marriage...OR so I thought..I found out 3 yrs ago she had an emotional affair with a guy from work...from that moment my life forever changed..I questioned everything.. I decided to stay and try to work thru it was her cause I adored my wife...it was a roller coaster..one day was great and the other awful.. we would argue like never b4. I said things I never did b4. I called her a ***** and how she destroyed our family..she slowly became someone I didn't know...going out, working out...just a big change...in the heat of an argument I kicked her out...I couldn't stop obsessing about the other guy ..and I never believed her anymore..we are on 10 months and she says she just needs time...wee have not as much kissed in 3 years...I'm stuck in a spot of giving her time or leaving...but so badly want to live our life out together like we planned...
You'll get support here, but also probably some criticism. She wants more time to test drive different models, with having the option of coming back to you when she feels like it. No self respecting man would put up with that. Sorry, I think it's over. You'll hear that over and over again because it is the truth, and the truth does hurt sometimes.

Do you want to be her last resort, second choice (at best), backup plan?
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:55 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

"No self respecting man would put up with that."

No man that a woman can respect would put up with that either.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

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Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating
Dude if what she said is true, then you're physically and verbally abusive and don't seem to care, your only concern is "getting her to come home".

Work on yourself. When you realize that you treated her poorly only then can you hope to try to fix this mess.

As an aside, I suggest you ignore all the posts that say she's definitely having a workplace physical affair. The odds are good that she is, but it's not a sure thing as I said earlier on your thread. Members here are so quick to say "It's an affair divorce her immediately!" as if that's the only possibility.

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kootz View Post
Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating
Dude if what she said is true, then you're physically and verbally abusive and don't seem to care, your only concern is "getting her to come home".

Work on yourself. When you realize that you treated her poorly only then can you hope to try to fix this mess.

As an aside, I suggest you ignore all the posts that say she's definitely having a workplace physical affair. The odds are good that she is, but it's not a sure thing as I said earlier on your thread. Members here are so quick to say "It's an affair divorce her immediately!" as if that's the only possibility.
I would not classify myself as an abuser in any way..I was hurt by what she did...It's not an excuse in any way...she says that there in no way is another man..she calls or comes over every day..
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

However this plays out - reconciliation or divorce - everything changes. You will not have the life with her that you expected, after this. My view is that since everything will change, it may be best to start over with someone else who does not bring this stigma to your future. Ending this relationship removes this uncertainty. Yes, you'll have the new uncertainty of eventually dating and finding someone else, but that can be something to look forward to and enjoy, rather than something that will always color your view and trust of your wife going forward.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:04 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

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Originally Posted by kootz View Post
Ok...what I'm hearing is everything everybody has been telling me...but her rebuttal is that during an argument I pushed her...and called her a bunch of horrible names...she says she wants to come home but afraid of all that repeating
She's still cheating.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

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Originally Posted by kootz View Post
So basically I'm just a doormat
Basically, yes, but the good news you have complete control over getting yourself out of "doormat" status.

Look, you've not even kissed your WW in over 3 years, even though you're in contact with her every day. You've already caught her in at least one A, which as you've been told was/is physical. It doesn't appear that there are any kids involved. Exactly what are you trying to save here?

I know this isn't the life you wanted, but its the life you've got ... UNTIL YOU CHANGE IT!!! Time to see an attorney and euthanize this sham of a M.
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Living in Limbo

OP-speaking as a person who kept herself in denial for way too long-know that you and only you can get yourself out of this limbo you are in right now. It is hell and not a healthy place to be at all. What is keeping you there is what you said above and that is you want the life you imagined you would have with her. She has changed this with her actions and now you can either stay where you are and accept the she "needs time" excuse; or take care of yourself and get out of the situation right now. Really examine how this feels for your wife to say she needs time. Time to do what exactly? Aren't you worth more than her pondering about needing time? What this statement means is I need more time to mess around with other men and not you. No intimacy or kissing for 3 years is her answer to you about what this marriage means to her. You are worth so much more than that. Start acting and take care of you now and make some decisions about your life. Take care of yourself now~
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