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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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worried

Hi. Im new to TAM and need some insight. I'm a father to 2 sons. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now. But it hasn't always been wedded bliss, since our marriage has hit a rocky spot for the past few months, We decided to try MC and so far it's going well - or so I thought.
Unfortunately I may be pursuing a divorce over my actions. I fell into my first affair last month but haven't told the wife yet.

I have a close female friend that I've known for 9 years. we use to be co-workers and always just platonic friends. She's even told me she would never ever have sex with me, I swore would never get sexual with but that night, after visiting my family members, she calls me up on my cell and we chat for about 10 minutes and we decided to try and meet up at a casual take out restaurant for a chat, a quick bite to eat. I didn't tell my wife about this that night, as her feelings towards my friend have been contentious. For the past few months she's been VERY jealous person. She claims she trusts me but yet tells me the reason for that is "she doesn't know her well" - that is why she feels insecure. (Ladies, is this common?) This woman has been invited over to our house a few times in the past, so she has met her.

It was around 8:30pm, Pretty soon as we were chatting, one thing led to another inside my truck and I ended up feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life. I am feeling VERY guilty and the only thing I can do now is file the D papers and NOT tell her the truth but instead just say I am not happy in the relationship in order to leave. I do not want to destroy her by telling her I made out with this girl and other things that night. This was the first time I ever touched her sexually. I drove home around 9:00. We live 20 miles away.
The next morning my friend text me saying "How was your evening last night?" " I told her it could have been better but you know". I haven't heard back from her since.
Is it the right thing to do, by filing and NOT revealing the affair?


Last edited by YachtMan; 03-10-2017 at 09:29 PM.
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: worried

First, your BW isn't insecure about this woman because she doesn't know her well. She's insecure because she knows you want to have sex with this 'friend.'

Second, yes you should file for D. In my opinion, you should confess as well, so your BW knows that she isn't crazy about this woman you've been 'friends' with.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:33 PM
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Confess. The truth will set you free and give you what you deserve.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: worried

Your wife was RIGHT and you're here accusing her of being jealous? And asking us if it's normal to feel insecure about her husband behaving this way in her marriage?

Any normal wife would feel very insecure being married to you. I'd feel very insecure in a marriage like you describe and with good reason- my gut would be telling me every time you met up with this woman that you could betray me at any moment.

Tell your wife what you did so she can run and never look back. She deserves better.

Last edited by Jessica38; 03-10-2017 at 07:51 PM.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: worried

I guess it's just me, but I just can't comprehend people choosing to cheat on their spouse. It sickens me.

Yes, admit what you did and file for divorce. She deserves so much better than you.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:19 PM
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Re: worried

Quote:
Originally Posted by YachtMan View Post
Hi. Im new to TAM and need some insight. I'm a father to 2 sons. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now. But it hasn't always been wedded bliss, since our marriage has hit a rocky spot for the past few months, We decided to try MC and so far it's going well - or so I thought.
Unfortunately I may be pursuing a divorce over my actions. I fell into my first affair last month but haven't told the wife yet.

I have a close female friend that I've known for 9 years. we use to be co-workers and always just platonic friends. She's even told me she would never ever have sex with me, I swore would never get sexual with but that night, after visiting my family members, she calls me up on my cell and we chat for about 10 minutes and we decided to try and meet up at a casual take out restaurant for a chat, a quick bite to eat. I didn't tell my wife about this that night, as her feelings towards my friend have been contentious. For the past few months she's been VERY jealous person. She claims she trusts me but yet tells me the reason for that is "she doesn't know her well" - that is why she feels insecure. (Ladies, is this common?) It was about 8:30 that evening.

Pretty soon as we were chatting, one thing led to another inside my truck and I ended up feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life. I am feeling VERY guilty and the only thing I can do now is file the D papers and NOT tell her the truth but instead just say I am not happy in the relationship in order to leave. I do not want to destroy her by telling her I made out with this girl and other things that night. This was the first time I ever touched her sexually.
The next morning my friend text me saying "How was your evening last night?" " I told her it could have been better but you know". I haven't heard back from her since.
Is it the right thing to do, by filing and NOT revealing the affair?
Since no one has pointed this out yet, I will: You didn't "fall" into an affair. You CHOSE to have an affair. Stop using passive verbs that make it seem like you are the victim instead of the instigator.

And "for the last few months your wife has become a very jealous person"? Seriously? And you don't understand why?

Speechless.

Except I'll say this - be decent enough to tell her the truth. Don't hide your tail between your legs and divorce without telling her what you chose to do to the marriage.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: worried

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Is it the right thing to do, by filing and NOT revealing the affair?
You cheated on your wife, you're going to divorce her and the only question you have is "is it the right thing to do not to tell her why I'm divorcing her?".

Ok, I'll bite. I suggest you sit her down, tell her the complete truth, and follow up with "I know I screwed up and I'd like to make this divorce as easy, painless and inexpensive as possible, so meet with an attorney, draw up the papers including everything you want as settlement, and I'll sign with no questions ask".

You're welcome, oh if you're bent on "doing the right thing"please don't get married again or enter another committed relationship, it's not fair to whoever it might be, you don't have what it takes. It's probably not your fault, it's either your upbringing or maybe good old genetics and if it's the latter we don't want to be spreading those around any more than we have to.

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Originally Posted by YachtMan View Post
The next morning my friend text me saying "How was your evening last night?" " I told her it could have been better but you know". I haven't heard back from her since.
Clever what you did here with the bait and all of that.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: worried

[/QUOTE]Clever what you did here with the bait and all of that.[/QUOTE]


What do you mean?
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: worried

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What do you mean?
I appreciate good writing.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: worried

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What do you mean?
You've probably heard the last from her.


Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: worried

I say be honest with your wife even if you are unhappy with the marriage right now, if you care about her at all you will tell the truth she deserves the truth.

Your wife was very right about your friend.



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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: worried

It is never a good idea to tell your spouse about an affair. It cannot help things, only make them worse. I have never met a couple who stayed together after MC. The MC's have statistics but only track a couple for a year. That is how they claim a high success rate. I had a friend who was a MC and his wife divorced him. so I would never look to one to help me with a marital problem. It just seems like a speed bump on the path to a divorce. If you do not divorce soon I would be very surprised. Tell your wife about your affair to hasten the divorce if you like but do not think by telling her she will think you are so honest and a good man. She will not. She will feel betrayed and want revenge. Most people who have a fling or an affair are racked with guilt and to alleviate the guilt they tell their spouse. That is actually a selfish thing to do. It makes you feel better but rocks your spouse's world and trust. All of a sudden you dump something like that on your wife and change her world for the worse. As I said, if she is hesitant to give you a divorce, then play the affair card. That will make her change her mind real quick.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: worried

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Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
It is never a good idea to tell your spouse about an affair. It cannot help things, only make them worse. I have never met a couple who stayed together after MC. The MC's have statistics but only track a couple for a year. That is how they claim a high success rate. I had a friend who was a MC and his wife divorced him. so I would never look to one to help me with a marital problem. It just seems like a speed bump on the path to a divorce. If you do not divorce soon I would be very surprised. Tell your wife about your affair to hasten the divorce if you like but do not think by telling her she will think you are so honest and a good man. She will not. She will feel betrayed and want revenge. Most people who have a fling or an affair are racked with guilt and to alleviate the guilt they tell their spouse. That is actually a selfish thing to do. It makes you feel better but rocks your spouse's world and trust. All of a sudden you dump something like that on your wife and change her world for the worse. As I said, if she is hesitant to give you a divorce, then play the affair card. That will make her change her mind real quick.
Do you even realize just how much you have revealed to all of us about your character? What kind of 'man' you really are?

I don't think there are many around here that will subscribe to your way of thinking. Well, at least I hope not.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: worried

You are making absolutely no logical sense. They say that people having affairs are in a mental fog and you definitely sound like you have a very twisted view of reality right now.

Should you file for divorce because you had an affair? Well, do you want a divorce? Your post sounds like you want a divorce and crossed the line so that now you have to divorce because that would be the decent thing to do given you cheated on your wife. But you're not going to get too carried away with this whole "decent guy" thing. After all, you're considering divorcing your wife and not telling her why because you feel guilty.

If you want a divorce, divorce your wife, but be enough of a man to tell her the truth. The whole truth.

If you don't want a divorce, tell your wife the truth and hope she will give you a second chance. That second chance would include you not carrying on opposite sex friendship, certainly never going to meet any woman alone again, and being completely transparent with your wife about your whereabouts, emails, texts, etc.

If you really don't want a divorce, I'd get the book Surviving and Affair by Dr. Harley. Here are the crib notes: How to Survive an Affair


To answer your question is it normal for your wife to be jealous of your female friend: Yes, of course. She knew this lady was a threat to her marriage on a gut level and she was 100% correct. The fact that you pursued a "friendship" with this woman when your wife had told you she was not comfortable with it shows total disregard for your wife's feelings and sense of security, and is reason right there for her to feel jealous.

It is not normal, in my experience, for people who are married to have opposite sex friends of the nature where you would get together to chat. At least not people who care to stay married.

BTW, you knew you were up to no good when you met with this woman secretly. You both knew exactly what you were opening the door to. Good that you feel guilty but that you can admit you cheated on your wife in one breath and wonder if it's normal your wife was jealous of this woman in the next breath show that 1) You never respected your wife in the first place or you would have chilled this "friendship" the minute your wife expressed concern and 2) You need to think a lot harder about how you let/made this happened in the first place. If you want to stay married, I'd also read up on "Independent Behavior" on the same website I mentioned above. It sounds like you are of a mindset that you should be able to do whatever strikes you without considering how your spouse is affected. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...dependent.html




Quote:
Originally Posted by YachtMan View Post
Hi. Im new to TAM and need some insight. I'm a father to 2 sons. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now. But it hasn't always been wedded bliss, since our marriage has hit a rocky spot for the past few months, We decided to try MC and so far it's going well - or so I thought.
Unfortunately I may be pursuing a divorce over my actions. I fell into my first affair last month but haven't told the wife yet.

I have a close female friend that I've known for 9 years. we use to be co-workers and always just platonic friends. She's even told me she would never ever have sex with me, I swore would never get sexual with but that night, after visiting my family members, she calls me up on my cell and we chat for about 10 minutes and we decided to try and meet up at a casual take out restaurant for a chat, a quick bite to eat. I didn't tell my wife about this that night, as her feelings towards my friend have been contentious. For the past few months she's been VERY jealous person. She claims she trusts me but yet tells me the reason for that is "she doesn't know her well" - that is why she feels insecure. (Ladies, is this common?) This woman has been invited over to our house a few times in the past, so she has met her.

It was around 8:30pm, Pretty soon as we were chatting, one thing led to another inside my truck and I ended up feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life. I am feeling VERY guilty and the only thing I can do now is file the D papers and NOT tell her the truth but instead just say I am not happy in the relationship in order to leave. I do not want to destroy her by telling her I made out with this girl and other things that night. This was the first time I ever touched her sexually. I drove home around 9:00. We live 20 miles away.
The next morning my friend text me saying "How was your evening last night?" " I told her it could have been better but you know". I haven't heard back from her since.
Is it the right thing to do, by filing and NOT revealing the affair?

Last edited by WorkingWife; 03-10-2017 at 11:03 PM.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 11:06 PM
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Re: worried

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You cheated on your wife, you're going to divorce her and the only question you have is "is it the right thing to do not to tell her why I'm divorcing her?".

Ok, I'll bite....
I know, right?!
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