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post #16 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Expose her affair to family.
Your advice flies in the face of his decision to follow her with a PI. If he's doing it to obtain evidence that he can use to bolster his divorce case, then exposing the affair will make it that much more difficult.

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post #17 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:25 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Expose her affair to family.


Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?
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post #18 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Things have been going downhill. Arguments about random things trying to get a rise out of me. She needs a break to see how she feels about everything, she loves me but not in love me with me. We don't really have any interests in common the usual talk.

Story:
We met over 4 years ago at work she was 21 I was 30, 1st year was rough she cheated on me with her ex then left me, we got back together she got pregnant fast forward today we have 2 kids. She moved out, I helped out with the kids during this time and she insisted no one else is in the picture.

I caught her outside the house in the car making out with her coworker. I also noticed things that were not hers at her house.

He now spends the night there, I hired a PI they go to movies, friends house etc.

I start work next week at the same job site. I talked to an attorney I have to find proof she is neglecting the kids which she is recently, dropping them off sick etc.

I read a zillion articles online so we all know how I feel and the limbo of emotions.

Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids
@freshpl this is not a unique story, sadly. It is quite common.

First of all, where are you in the world? (Your location can make a lot of difference to the advice that should be offered.)

Also, how old are your children?

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #19 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?
If your name and rep was being dragged through the mud because of her history rewriting and outright lies to justify her adultery, would you not want to step up and clear your name with a shovel full of truth and proof? Anyone who values his name and reputation should have no problem dropping a nuke under those conditions.

Exposure is not that cut and dried. And, personally, I get sick and tired of the advice to play nice to get better terms for divorce. I've seen it happen once in 4 years on this board. At the end, the claws always come out, but when that happens, the window of opportunity has passed for getting the truth out. It appears as nothing more than sour grapes and vindictiveness at that point.

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For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #20 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:08 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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It appears as nothing more than sour grapes and vindictiveness at that point.
It appears that way no matter when the exposure is done.

"You cheated on me and I'm going to tell everybody!"

A person with self respect would simply walk away. Anyone in their life who is important to them, whether it's friends or family, would accept them at their word when they say "I left them because they cheated on me".

End of story.
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post #21 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:15 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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It appears that way no matter when the exposure is done.

"You cheated on me and I'm going to tell everybody!"

A person with self respect would simply walk away. Anyone in their life who is important to them, whether it's friends or family, would accept them at their word when they say "I left them because they cheated on me".

End of story.
IMO, a person of self respect wouldn't allow this kind of defamation to occur without a fight. But hey, if that's okay with you, then so be it. I wouldn't allow that to happen, though.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #22 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:27 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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IMO, a person of self respect wouldn't allow this kind of defamation to occur without a fight. But hey, if that's okay with you, then so be it. I wouldn't allow that to happen, though.
What defamation? A partner cheats, they divorce, they move on with their lives. If the question comes up to the betrayed partner as to why they split, the answer is "they cheated on me". To go around telling everyone about the affair and exposing it is a weak and desperate measure that just reeks of hurt and revenge and is probably seen that way by everyone.
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post #23 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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What defamation? A partner cheats, they divorce, they move on with their lives. If the question comes up to the betrayed partner as to why they split, the answer is "they cheated on me". To go around telling everyone about the affair and exposing it is a weak and desperate measure that just reeks of hurt and revenge and is probably seen that way by everyone.
Would you seriously be okay with having your name disparaged as a person and husband as a reason for her doing what she is doing without a rebuttal?

Seriously?

If people only hear one side of the story, then they're way more inclined to buy into the only story they are hearing.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #24 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 08:49 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

The cheater gets to carry out the most evil deed they possibly can to their husband,
Then, they tell sll kinds of bs about their husband to portray him as a bad, evil person. People that don't truly know them lap that up like gravy.
The truth doesn't need to be blabbed all over for the whole population to hear. But the truth should come out from the betrayed spouse's side. Does one need to talk about nothing but their cheating spouse? No, but truth, yes.
It's not fair to the betrayed person to be thought of by their peers as a total ass, which he will be portrayed as, and just keep silent.
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post #25 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Expose her affair to family.
Her parents recently found out no longer talk to her help her out etc.
They took her side until they found out. She made me the bad guy that I won't let her go out starts arguments etc.

and yes she got REALLY mad when they found out , more anger towards me


Last edited by freshpl; 03-12-2017 at 11:48 PM.
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post #26 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

IMO...it's time to move on....don't think this can be saved...
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post #27 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:38 AM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Isn't this only recommended if the BS wants to save the marriage and break the fog? Otherwise why bother?
I think it's important to also set the record straight so that she can't re-write history and make it all his fault.
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post #28 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

I know this is unsalvageable, point is to put guilt on the other party idk what she told him read this in another post:

Confronting the Other Person
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.


I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.
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post #29 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:39 AM
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

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Confronting the Other Person
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together.

Hahaha come on, geez, really, you think appealing to the senses of the man who knew your wife was married, still pursued her and now is living with her is going to work? That suddenly he'll read a note and go oh geez I feel bad, let me stop banging this woman and return her to her husband..because you know...love..

Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay.

No it's not okay, this point has been put down in the harshest term possible, I don't think the OM knew but glad it's been pointed out..

This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.


......

I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.

So you're trying to guilt trip your wife back? And that's going to make her want to have sex with you?


I know you didn't write the note but even posting it...man listen, just file for divorce and get your stones back and find another woman.
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post #30 of 61 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

Thank you for your honest answer.
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