Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Marriage going downhill, caught my wife cheating

57K views 105 replies 49 participants last post by  manwithnoname 
#1 ·
Things have been going downhill. Arguments about random things trying to get a rise out of me. She needs a break to see how she feels about everything, she loves me but not in love me with me. We don't really have any interests in common the usual talk.

Story:
We met over 4 years ago at work she was 21 I was 30, 1st year was rough she cheated on me with her ex then left me, we got back together she got pregnant fast forward today we have 2 kids. She moved out, I helped out with the kids during this time and she insisted no one else is in the picture.

I caught her outside the house in the car making out with her coworker. I also noticed things that were not hers at her house.

He now spends the night there, I hired a PI they go to movies, friends house etc.

I start work next week at the same job site. I talked to an attorney I have to find proof she is neglecting the kids which she is recently, dropping them off sick etc.

I read a zillion articles online so we all know how I feel and the limbo of emotions.

Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids :(
 
See less See more
#4 ·
It is very frustrating. Come to think of it, why would you want her to "do what's right for the kids" and stay in the marriage? She won't do what's right for your marriage. She never will. Time to get those kids dna tested for paternity, especially the first one, even though you love them dearly.

Get to your attorney and file for divorce. She isn't trustworthy. She doesn't want to change.

Protect your assets. Protect yourself. Protect your children.
 
#5 ·
Read up on the many similar stories on here. There are guys who have been through it that can guide you. You'll get varying advice. Do what is best for you, she obviously doesn't care whether the kids are raised by both parents as a family.

She seems to be a serial cheater, you know of at least two times. Serial cheaters are incurable as far as I have seen.
 
#6 ·
In order to keep a woman with such a big age gap, you have to stay on top of your game. The amount of times a woman in her 20s is hit on, would blow your mind. It's tough enough with the age gap but then you add that she is a serial cheater and that's the recipe for heart break.

A serial cheating wife is not R material. Trying to pursue her is just going to further disgust her. She see's you as the father of her kids not as her man. Your best bet is to divorce and try to co-parent.

To get a little bit of respect back, you should file for D and have her served at work. Pack her **** on put in guess room and put a lock on master bedroom. Separate your finances. including closing any joint accounts. Expose to her family and friends. If you don't, it will be spun about how unhappy she was due to you're controlling and abusiveness.

It may seem counter-intuitive but she will respect you more and be better able to co-parent. If not, she will see you as weak and just make your life hell.
 
#7 ·
So what's your game plan? Are you getting your ducks in a row in addition to gathering evidence?

Sorry for what you're going through, but at least she's not being very sneaky about everything. Seems pretty out in the open. You can use that to your advantage to ensure she doesn't character assassinate you.
 
#8 · (Edited)
@freshpl,

Explain your thread title, "Marriage going downhill,..."? What marriage?

Your WW is living with an OM. How is that a marriage?

A marriage is an agreement between two people. She doesn't agree so there is no marriage! Only paper...

She's at least too immature, not marriage material at all. What could you want to save?

Have some respect for yourself and show your children better. Wake up, it's just you and them.

Take your life back. Stop letting her decisions lead your future. NMMNG

Best to you and your children...
 
#9 ·
The only advice I have for you is to stop spending money on a PI unless you're trying to build a case that she's neglecting the children so you can build a case for sole custody and/or you will receive a more favorable settlement due to her infidelities- which is rarely done by courts nowadays.

You're just throwing good money after bad.

I know it's after the fact but I have to ask what were you thinking having not one but two children with this woman after everything you had just gone through with her?
 
#10 ·
Very frustrating when she doesn't want to save the marriage and do whats right for the kids :(

Wait, you're still trying to salvage this? You don't learn, do you? Time to get out, OP, nothing here for you. If you keep pulling this weak "pick-me dance" all you will gain is further humiliation. Give her her walking papers, not tomorrow, not in a month, NOW!
 
#12 ·
Your marriage is short enough that, at least in the United States, she can make no claim on Marital Assets.

With children involved, you can never make a "clean break", but at this early stage, it can be financially simple.

Given her behavior, you might be able to make a case to the court that she's an unfit mother, then you'll have sole custody and no child support to pay. 4 years into a marriage, you're also unlikely to be asked to pay spousal support - in theory, she can return to supporting herself however she did before you were married.

Going emotionally numb when you can't see any method to resolve the issue is a fairly natural self-preservation reaction. And, given her predilection to act as if she's not married - I see no way for this to last.

Too bad you didn't hear the alarm bells when she cheated on you while you had just started dating.

Good luck.
 
#57 ·
It's no real secret that skanks like her would simply live off the child support and at the same time, have absolutely no problem in depriving the kids!

By the way, get yourself tested immediately for the presence of STD's!
 
#13 ·
thank you for your honest responses.

1. I paid a PI once to have evidence in court.
2. Like Jsmart said I have to be on top of my game and I wasn't (kids and work just not enough time for "us")
3. Game plan right now is I start work at the same locations as my so called wife and lover work.
4. Helping with the kids, coming from a child of divorce I know how this effects them and I do not want to use them as the ammunition in this affair it is not fair to them.
5. I plan on filing for D in about 2 weeks max.
 
#14 ·
thank you for your honest responses.

1. I paid a PI once to have evidence in court.
You've determined that in your geographic location, evidence of infidelity will skew the divorce court's decision in your favor? Or do you live in one of the few remaining states where you can file for an "at fault" divorce?
 
#16 ·
Your advice flies in the face of his decision to follow her with a PI. If he's doing it to obtain evidence that he can use to bolster his divorce case, then exposing the affair will make it that much more difficult.
 
#24 ·
The cheater gets to carry out the most evil deed they possibly can to their husband,
Then, they tell sll kinds of bs about their husband to portray him as a bad, evil person. People that don't truly know them lap that up like gravy.
The truth doesn't need to be blabbed all over for the whole population to hear. But the truth should come out from the betrayed spouse's side. Does one need to talk about nothing but their cheating spouse? No, but truth, yes.
It's not fair to the betrayed person to be thought of by their peers as a total ass, which he will be portrayed as, and just keep silent.
 
#28 ·
I know this is unsalvageable, point is to put guilt on the other party idk what she told him read this in another post:

Confronting the Other Person
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together. Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay. This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.


I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.
 
#29 ·
Confronting the Other Person
You are NOT going to want to do this face to face. I do not ever tell anyone to do this face to face. Emotions can really go wild and you will find yourself behaving in ways you wish you never did. It's better to either write a letter or an email. You only want to say this, "I know that you are having an affair with my husband/wife. I love him/her very much and I want to save my marriage and keep my family together.

Hahaha come on, geez, really, you think appealing to the senses of the man who knew your wife was married, still pursued her and now is living with her is going to work? That suddenly he'll read a note and go oh geez I feel bad, let me stop banging this woman and return her to her husband..because you know...love..

Your relationship with my husband/wife is NOT okay.

No it's not okay, this point has been put down in the harshest term possible, I don't think the OM knew but glad it's been pointed out..

This affair is coming in between us and making it impossible to heal our marriage. Please respect our marriage and end all contact with (spouse's name) forever.


...... :surprise::confused:

I wanted to leave a note ( I know where they live) that my younger daughter will need counseling soon because of all this and that my youngest son is already showing signs of anxiety seperation.

So you're trying to guilt trip your wife back? And that's going to make her want to have sex with you?


I know you didn't write the note but even posting it...man listen, just file for divorce and get your stones back and find another woman.
 
#31 ·
Update: I asked how the kids were she said they were sick, I offered to take care of them as I have one week off work. She declined. Instead she had to hire a nanny for the 1 1/2 year old and the 3 yr old was sent to preschool sick.

And I ask how where kids are and how they are doing . Texts are "I already told you" basically. To get any info I have to ask twice.

It just disgusts me that I have to build my case to help the kids, I can't just take them to be with me to help them.
 
#37 ·
You should be able to be with/have your children without her "declining". You need to get child custody worked out ASAP. It's pretty obvious that you need to a) get to a lawyer, and b) get your finances separated from her. She is manipulating you with the children -- you need to make sure you document all of this (save those emails!!).
 
#32 ·
Fresh is this the man you want to show your daughter to marry dome day, a man who would put up with a continuous cheater....and you know in your heat that you are never going to be enough for her, and what of your son, are you going to tell him that it's okay to be a doormat, to be cuckold the rest of your life....face it you screwed up the first time when she slept with her boss and you took her back...if you stay with her then you will have to look in the mirror everyday and realize that you are a doormat, and telling her that it's okay to continue her actions....
 
#38 ·
I am continually astonished at how some women think that their children are their personal property, and that their husbands have no input as to the visitation schedules, when they are allowed to see their own kids, etc.... It just astonishes me that women in today's society are not more privy to how little power they actually have. They are so entitled and delusional, they actually think their decisions carry the weight of law.
 
#44 ·
They don't think their decisions carry the weight of the law, but they are depending on weak men to believe these lies. The only reason that it works is because the men it is directed at believe it.
I am keeping my emotions in check I won't be confronting him. He is spending the night at her house now with the kids present.
Red Flag was 4 years ago she dropped one relationship for the other in a matter of days. That is the type of person she is.

Started working out , starting the new job on Monday.
Going to visit the kids at her place to make sure they are ok. I really don't want to see her but I don't want her dragging the sick kids out in the cold just to meet me so I am going there.

Thank you again for the responses and good advice
You can pick your children up and take them home with you. They need you in their lives. Leaving them with a babysitter while you are at home alone is foolish. Go the house, tell the babysitter you are taking your children and will call 911 if she tries to block you and you will have her charged with kidnapping. Get the police involved if necessary. You are rolling over like a trained dog. If this is how you live your life you may as well just give up now.

I am also wondering why on earth you are switching jobs to a new job where you will be working with you STBXW and her lover. What are you thinking?
 
#41 ·
I am keeping my emotions in check I won't be confronting him. He is spending the night at her house now with the kids present.
Red Flag was 4 years ago she dropped one relationship for the other in a matter of days. That is the type of person she is.

Started working out , starting the new job on Monday.
Going to visit the kids at her place to make sure they are ok. I really don't want to see her but I don't want her dragging the sick kids out in the cold just to meet me so I am going there.

Thank you again for the responses and good advice
 
#43 ·
Know the feeling. I found out a different way. She did not clean herself too well before we had oral sex. I do not know what would be worse; seeing her have sex or tasting the result of her having sex.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top