More details... After the fact...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-18-2009, 11:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default More details... After the fact...

So here's the short of it... My wife had an affair and admitted to a sexual relationship back on December 18, 2008. After talking it out for the whole day, I was satisfied that she had told me everything that needed to be said about the affair, up to and including that it was over and that she was very sorry.

since that day, we have gotten along wonderfully. It has been like everything is brand new again. Over the weekend, we moved her mother back into the house and I had issues with it and we got into a spat over it. the day was filled with tension and a lot of screaming and crying.

Late in the evening, I started to get the idea that there were details about this affair that I had not been told, and because of my curiosity, I began to dig for more information. I noticed that on a day when we had a "spat" that she subsequently left for work and called him up in the morning, that in the afternoon, they met at a gas station near his home.

What I was led to believe was a limited (3 to MAYBE 4 times that they had met face to face) turns out that they were meeting on a regular basis over the course of a two-week period. I was at home trying desperately to patch up my marriage while she was running to his arms and pushing me further away at every opportunity.

Now I find out that there were MANY encounters, although she maintains that only one time did it end out in sex. She also related to me that he had been trying to push her back into sex again, but that she didn't do it.

Tonight, I sit here feeling foolish because of all of the time that she spent with her tongue in his mouth while I was here being the butler and taking care of the family.

I love her, and I DO believe that it is over between the two of them. (At the very least, I KNOW that I have him running scared) I believe that this will not happen again... at least not as long as she is happy. My wife recently learned the difference between "Lust" and "Love"... It can be a harsh lesson.

I really am just venting, and I do believe that I know about everything at this point, but there is a part of me that is in fear that there is more that she didn't let me in on. She has admitted to numerous meetings and to having sexual relations with him. When I asked her why she withheld the rest of it until I found out about it, her answer was that she was ashamed, and that she had told me the worst of it, and that she didn't want to hurt me with all of the details.

How can you be reasonably sure if you know everything? (I know that you really can't), but now I can't help but wonder if there is more to this than she is willing to admit to.

~Moog
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Old 01-19-2009, 05:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: More details... After the fact...

Get a voice activated recorder. put it in her car and you can find out what she is saying. $30.00 to $100.00 at radio shack. If she breaks NC with him. Get up in her grill about it.
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: More details... After the fact...

I don't think that "he" is ever going to be a problem again. He knows that I know where he works, know who his wife is and knows that I am watching him. He knows that he can never fart again without me knowing about it.

He knows that I know where he works (BIG company that would not put up with him taking out married clients and sleeping with them) He knows that I can cause more problems for him that he won't live long enough to straighten out. So I am not so much worried about him.

I have had thoughts of "Hey, turnabout is fair play" and "I can do it too". Problem is that I love my wife and don't WANT to do those sorts of things. I DO understand that people make mistakes, but this goes a bit above and beyond normal "mistakes".

Since the first of the month when all of this came out... well, not ALL of it, I told her that I forgave her and that we needed to move on with out relationship. I have lived the last 2 weeks more happily than I ever have in the past of our relationship. I couldn't wait for her to come home. I couldn't wait to see her.

now, I am angry every time I look at her and don't really care whether she comes home or not.

I just want my wife back and don't know how to cope.

The VOX recorder is a good idea, tho. I might have to stop in at "The Shack" during my daily "rat-killing" today.

~Moog
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Old 01-19-2009, 06:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: More details... After the fact...

At least you can find out how she really feels about reconciliation. For all you know she is putting on an act, and will tell her friends what she really thinks. Plus you don't know that she won't call him. You should at least call the guys wife and let her know what her husband is doing. This way she can keep an eye on him too.
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Old 01-19-2009, 09:52 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: More details... After the fact...

Granted... I got a call from "him" this morning to verify that I had received the package he sent to me. While I had him on the phone, I took the liberty to ask him some questions. He seemed honest in his answers, and I believe he has no reason to lie... That combined with the fact that I told him that I had already had a lengthy chat with my wife about the goings on during the "fling" and that his answers had better match up with hers...

I found out that she has still not come completely clean with me. He indicates that he thinks there is more of a problem with our marriage than just an affair, that she was pretty much the aggressor and that she began e-mailing him with flirty e-mails that looked inappropriate and that he shouldn't have acted upon.

I asked him several questions and it was apparent that he was uncomfortable answering. I had to re-assure him several times that if I wanted to do something bad to him that I would have already done it. He agreed and answered the questions.
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