What do you (LS) do on days when you are feeling angry or indifferent towards your DS to minimize the effect it has on R. I know these days are normal but I don't want to hurt her or ruin the day for the family when I am feeling like this. Posted via Mobile Device
You do what you have to do. Bottling it all in as to not hurt the WS isn't gonna help you and in the end could hurt more.
Before you know it, you've swallowed so much that it'll just blow like a volcano. Talk to the wife and tell her you're having a bad day. If she shrugs it off and tells you she'll give you space to work it out yourself then that's one point against her.
But it's a double edge sword, if she tries to comfort you, you'll think did she do this to the OM also comforting him and then you get mad. If she doesn't comfort you then she doesn't care and you're mad also. It's just something you're gonna have to work through and decide if you can do this for the next XX years.
It's not easy and at times it will literally drag you down to the depths of hell just trying, but sometimes the reward is worth the pain (and I'm stressing sometimes). My wife has the patience and heart of a saint, if not for that we would have never made it together.
It's tough and I'm interested to hear the responses. I bite my tongue but it builds up and then it unleashes at the worst times. The outcomes are never what I hope they will be when this happens. There is a fine line between getting what you need to recover and beating them up so much that it hurts R.
I used to say to her "I know you're doing everything possible to fix this but I'm having a really bad day today and I'm probably going to vent a lot. Please understand that I can't hold in these emotions and I don't want to hurt you but I may. When this passes and I'm in a better frame of mind we can go over what happened."
It was hard to say it when I really wanted to yell at her for being the cause of my hurt but I didn't want to derail the R. After a few times she realized that these times were going to happen and she just needed to ride it out until it passed.
In the last week, I had one episode where I shut down on my WS.
Pissed her off to no end, we had an angry confrontation. For the first time in our entire relationship, we were able to change from angry confrontation to healthy exchange of feelings. It felt like a lot of progress was made. She made the point that it really upsets her when I withdrawl (because she is afraid that means I do not want to try for R) and asked that I handle it in a way that is more respectful to her feelings. I assured her that I am in it for R but that I will also try to do better with the withdrawling thing.
A few days after that (xmas), I had a really hard day. After coming home, WS cornered me, hugged me, wanted to be all kissy...and I just said "today has been really hard for me" and she said "I know, I'm sorry". And that felt really good.
So, in 2 different instances I handled it 2 different ways and each time it was (ended up) a positive experience.
My husband won't tell me if he's had a bad day. I sometimes don't pick up on it and then I feel he's rejecting me, wants to leave me etc. I know he doesn't. It's just very hard to read his mind sometimes and react the best possible way. I used to react with anger, I'm now working hard on simply waiting until it passes. It's not something he wants to talk about, I've tried that - he's not that type. I think my biggest personal "success" if you can call it that was to realize that these mood swings or triggers are normal and they won't stop just like that. Now that I know what they are, I feel I can deal with them better. Not sure if that helps my husband in any way but I guess not getting angry and yelling at him is better than nothing.
Well I've been having many bad days. I tell my H that I am and I need help. I can't stop thinking of the OW, my H and I are trying to work things out but I think about her all the time. I think about her when were intimate, when were not, when I am with him and when I am not....it sucks....I wish this would end. I think at first I was in shock and now it's setting in...all the pain and hurt they caused...My H is trying very hard finally...but the thoughts don't go away.....I just try and deal, cry, talk and move forward....