Second Marriages - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

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I beg to differ with the first bolded bit, but agree with your second, closing statement. I got rid of all of my problems associated with my ex and first marriage most definitively when I left her. I already owned any issues I had, and worked on myself to avoid having the same issues in any subsequent relationship.

Whether or not someone great is out there, I found it better to be alone for a while, than remain in my first marriage. Of course, if you don't know what the problems were, who was responsible, and your own role in creating them or letting them grow, then you may not do better. That's still no reason to stay in an unhappy, possibly toxic relationship!

As for me, I did find "a magical better fit for you out there if you just leave this marriage." No guarantee anyone else will, but without dumping a bad relationship, you don't even have hope to find something better. My new relationship didn't add new problems - just introduced different ones that were less negative and burdensome versus those with my ex, which as I said, were gone when she was gone. And it is often still better to divorce and be alone than continue to put up with problems you haven't been able to - and likely can't - solve.

This is what I think, too. I figure the problems might be more tolerable, as they were for you. And, at least you don't have the same ones.


--------------------------------------------

Though, infidelity can and does happen in any type of relationship, married or not. That was a comment on the idea of not being able to be cheated on when you aren't married in a different post. This is subjective, not objective.


---------------------------------------------


The issue of trying to get more information out of a member in a struggling marriage, is we don't have the ability to know if their story is true. We also can know that their memory will differ from their spouse. Doesn't mean they are lying, necessarily, but it means the objective truth is tougher to find.

We end up making suggestions based on our individual experiences and what we believe to be the best chance of greater happiness. That doesn't always mean you will find another "wife or husband". It can mean you will have some fun dating and living your life without the turmoil presented by the former life partner, husband, wife.

I think that is the message and many don't understand it. Even without a wife or husband, life can be a hell of a lot of fun. It's up to the individual. It may be possible to ask someone what they do in their free time, but I don't think anyone can know what life has in store for anyone. I don't think that is the most important thing on their mind until they have chosen to move toward reconciliation or divorce.


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #32 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

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All of which raises a question: should we be telling folks contemplating divorce to go ahead and do it because a wonderful second spouse is out there somewhere? Is the data just crappy? Or do we need to rethink our advice?
I'd marry again if I found the right spouse. My marriage only ended because I dumped my wife for being a cheating sloot. Too much self respect to stay.

It was a typical up and down marriage otherwise and nor was I a bad husband (clearly, if she was BEGGING me to give her another chance.)

So, there's really no deep introspection required on this one imo. If she can keep it in her pants and behave like a decent person, then I'd be content.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #33 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

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To the population in general, we need to be spreading the word that marriage is a failed concept and if anything, we should be telling folks contemplating marriage not to do it because the odds are it will end in a divorce, especially if it's a subsequent marriage.

But it doesn't matter what we tell them because lets face it, they aren't going to listen to us anyway.
That's what I've always been saying, marriage is a bad deal especially for men. Once you get out of a bad one, should learn from that experience and not do it again.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #34 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

I think most of them tell them to divorce to get our of a bad marriage. Finding another spouse is just the cherry on the apple but I have known many who had great success in their second marriage. Most of the couples we knew were in their second marriage. I certainly understand where children and baggage can be the problem but it is like being on a burning ship. You can stay and get burned to death or jump into the water and then worry about how you are going to swim to shore. We are just telling people to divorce to get out of a toxic relationship and unless you first jump, you will never even have a shot at getting to shore.

Also consider a person who seeks device of such great importance from strangers who do not have to suffer the consequences. Do you think they would actually make a decision based on the replies they get online. I doubt it but if they do, that is a whole different problem to discuss. It is very easy to tell someone to jump when you do not have to deal with the chance of drowning. I hope that people who post use our opinions and advice to suppliment their own. There are opinions and informed opinions. Only the latter are worth serious consideration and that is for the poster to figure out.

What it comes down to is staying in a marriage will make you unhappy for the rest of your life. Divorcing will at least give you a shot at happiness, no matter what the odds. Even if the odds were the same as first messengers, they are essentially a coin flip anyway. One path keeps in in a toxic marriage while the other gives you fighting odds for happiness.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #35 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:27 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

My first, wife's second.

Her first was a shotgun wedding that gifted me the incredible light and joy that is my oldest daughter and who is the reason I wanted more kids. I managed to talk her into having two more with me.

W had already been separated from her husband for 6 months when I met her (it's a year before D here) and she's never once described him or their brief marriage fondly when she's spoken of him at all. Not that he was abusive. Just useless - both in the sack and at life. He was an out of work actor always waiting by the phone ('cause all we had were landlines) for 'the callback' while she was working 2 job's to support their small family and struggling to arrange daycare. This last because he had shown himself incapable of doing even that when he left his 20 month old toddler alone in the apartment to run down to the corner for a paper and coffee.

He accused her of cheating and threw both her and his daughter out. Based on the vagueness of the story from her at that point and knowing her as well as I do, I'm inclined to believe that's what happened but it really doesn't matter. I'll never know for sure and it's pointless to dig. She got on a bus the next day with her child and moved four hundred miles to where she ended up meeting me.

And yes, my oldest is the spitting image of him. Has been from the get go.

In the twenty three years we've been together, we've driven our marriage through a couple of boulder fields that should have torn the tranny and dif out. Looking back, I can honestly say that it was a combination of white knuckle fear and codependance (on both our parts at different times) that's kept it all together.

Regardless, we're in a really good place (at this point in time anyway) and it's been a helluva interesting ride.

Yes we were then and are presently very deeply in love. But ultimately we married because we planned on more kids and wanted to do the nuclear family thing. Beyond that, I'm reminded of what my Dad asked me when I told him I was engaged

"Are you planning on more kids? If you're not planning on kids, why bother? Marriage becomes nothing more than a very public declaration of very private intent. Why would you get the state or some god legally involved in that?"

"If you can keep your head while all those about you are losing theirs, then perhaps you have misunderstood the situation." - Daniel Keys Moran - from The Long Run

You don't really own anything you can't hold onto at a dead run... -Anonymous-
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post #36 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

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That's what I've always been saying, marriage is a bad deal especially for men. Once you get out of a bad one, should learn from that experience and not do it again.
Amen to that.

From financial ruin, to alimony, to custody of children... It was definitely a strong consideration with R with my cheating wife. She knows very well, if I had the crystal ball so many years ago, I would of never made that trip down the aisle. Just not worth it.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #37 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:03 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

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Amen to that.

From financial ruin, to alimony, to custody of children... It was definitely a strong consideration with R with my cheating wife. She knows very well, if I had the crystal ball so many years ago, I would of never made that trip down the aisle. Just not worth it.
You state the obvious. What man, knowing that his marriage would end in financial ruin and loss of his children would have gotten married in the first place?

What is not so obvious, is that many of those same men, when finding themselves in exactly the same position, with a different women, go and do it all over again. Sometimes several times.

You know the definition of insanity.. doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results.

Am I saying that anyone who gets married more than once is possibly insane?

No, actually I'm saying any man that gets married even once has a few screws loose. (except in the rare cases that the woman has more assets and income than he does)
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post #38 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

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Am I saying that anyone who gets married more than once is possibly insane?

No, actually I'm saying any man that gets married even once has a few screws loose. (except in the rare cases that the woman has more assets and income than he does)
In the second instance I married a woman (her first instance) who has more assets and income than I.

My first marriage was a (fortunately short lived) train wreck, while my second has been good so far.

If my current marriage ends I doubt I will choose to marry anyone else, that said I will certainly seek other sexual partners.
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post #39 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

^ Now this is the way to do it.
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post #40 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

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No, actually I'm saying any man that gets married even once has a few screws loose. (except in the rare cases that the woman has more assets and income than he does)
I won't deny the few screws loose theory haha. When I first got married my ex did have more assets and made more money than me. Flash forward 15 years and she's outta work or underemployed for several years, I'm making more than 3x the best job she ever had and guess who's learning the price of success and why one should never marry......


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post #41 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Second Marriages

Yah. We didn't have a pot to piss in between us when we first met and I've been the sole bread winner for the better part of since, right up to present.

Add 3 kids into the equation and dating post D probably wouldn't be an option for a long time. After the system was finished with me it'd be hard to impress women with the cardboard box under an overpass I'd be living in. No matter how stately.

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post #42 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

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Amen to that.

From financial ruin, to alimony, to custody of children... It was definitely a strong consideration with R with my cheating wife. She knows very well, if I had the crystal ball so many years ago, I would of never made that trip down the aisle. Just not worth it.
From what I've known and read this seems to be the path of every divorce. The result is rarely much better than keep a bad marriage going.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #43 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

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I won't deny the few screws loose theory haha. When I first got married my ex did have more assets and made more money than me. Flash forward 15 years and she's outta work or underemployed for several years, I'm making more than 3x the best job she ever had and guess who's learning the price of success and why one should never marry......
Unfortunately men are going to need to have how much any candidate for marriage makes be a major factor in their decision if they want to preserve their financial status and freedom. You would be crazy not to. I wish I had known all of this before I decided to get married. In that case, my wife would never have been considered.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #44 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Second Marriages

I think we need to change our advice personally. I've been told, and have seen way to much advice being that divorce is the answer. I disagree. Second marriages are hard and can be very complicated because is the baggage like you said.
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post #45 of 57 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Second Marriages

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I've read that, too and I wonder if some of it stems from second marriages that were affairs to start, the first marriage ended (because of the affair) and the affair couple thought they'd find bliss. I also think that people who get married a second time, didn't spend enough time working on themselves and healing from the first marriage, so they jump into the next relationship, thinking the first marriage was the problem or they married the wrong person.
I like your point of view. When we have an aggrieved spouse here we start singing the old song about the affair was not the fault of the aggrieved spouse. No matter what, the betrayed spouse is innocent.

In fact this is only half true. If a TAM member points out that the wandering spouse warned the betrayed spouse that eating potato chips in bed was a deal breaker, we tell the betrayed that no, it is not their fault their spouse left.

Some folks have a higher tolerance for potato chips on the sheets than others. (I trust you all understand that "potato chips" is a stand in for some other fault such as beating the wandering spouse, going on long weekends with the guys and and no wives, or whatever.)

As Deirdra notes, the betrayed spouse often does, in fact, have some responsibility for what went on. And that helps doom the second marriage.
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