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post #31 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

You do need more definitive evidence. Although you do have evidence, even her word, she's not into you. You also have evidence she is stalking at least one guy. The hook up site she was checking out for married people is weird also. You should investigate it to see if she is a member........yet.

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post #32 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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Crossposting this from the surviving infidelity subreddit for further perspective. Long story short, I've found evidence that my wife is having an affair. I've had a gut feeling for a while that something wasn't right, and there have been a few red flags that I've picked up on. This weekend, I found evidence that she's considered or has already engaged in an affair. There's no incontrovertible proof but I doubt I'm going to find any given the situation.

Backstory - We're both 30, married for 5 years, together for 7. Starting in February/March of last year we both got distant from one another. Both of us work in demanding careers with long hours and work was busy for both of us. I started to withdraw into myself due to the lack of physical intimacy from her (it was already a borderline dead bedroom situation at this point) and stopped meeting her emotional needs. I'm not entirely blameless here and I accept that. 2016 was a pretty **** year for our relationship.
In Late December we had a come to Jesus talk - she was considering divorce due to her needs not being met, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," etc. and I agreed I would work on fixing myself as a precursor to working the relationship. Starting getting **** done around the house, going out of my way to meet her needs, hitting the gym, visiting a counselor. She acknowledged all these changes as very positive and was very proud of me for making them. My life has done a complete 180 but she is still dragging her feet on being active in the marriage.

This weekend, I snooped and found some things that are pretty hard to deal with. Based on browsing history, in March of last year she began looking for apps that would allow someone to message in secret. A few months after that, she began browsing pages on sexting (many many articles for this). I have never been the recipient of a sext from her. I also found evidence of searches for apps and ways to hide photos on an iPhone. All of these searches usually coincided with google or facebook searches for a particular guy. Several articles for spicing up the bedroom, sex moves, sexual health at a time we weren't having intercourse. Also there are searches for articles on ****** ******* and other affair-related articles. In addition, this guy is married with two children. Found multiple searches for their school and school hours (?). In addition, found evidence that she was out a restaurant when she specifically had texted and said she was stuck at work and would be home late.

I don't think I'm ever gonna find definitive proof as I suspect that all communication is happening over apps that don't leave a paper trail. I suspect it probably began in March last year as a way for her to seek emotional fulfillment she wasn't getting from me and blossomed into a full blown emotional affair and probably physical affair as well.

I had already previously brought up my concerns regarding this guy in late January after I found a bunch of facebook searches for him (searching like 2-3 times a week for 6 months). She said it was just a crush (yeah, right). She got really angry with me violating her privacy, deleted all her browser history and facebook history, changed the password on her phone, stopped wearing her wedding rings for a couple days, and then came back and said she wanted to work on our relationship and felt hopeful for our future. Things had been better until this past weekend where she seems checked out again with regards to the marriage. I checked her browsing habits and she has been looking this guy up on facebook again every day for the last 4 days. Last thing before she went to bed last night and first thing after waking up today.

tl;dr - We have our first couples counseling session in a week. I don't know if I can sit on this info until then. I really thought we could give things a shot again and it would work out but it seems like she is more than happy having her needs met elsewhere. I don't know that trust could ever be rebuilt. I'm willing to wait until counseling but another part of me just wants to have this over and done with. The problem is that I have a super busy work week, and a business trip this upcoming weekend for four days and I just don't have time to deal with the fallout of a divorce this week. Need advice, support, hugs, criticism, whatever you want to throw my way.

This sounds very similar to how all of my problems started. Currently, I found at text on my wife's phone from another man that was very forward let's call it. Her response to that text wasn't as forward, a little suggestive that she liked the idea but not enough to really jump to the conclusion of a physical affair. I did confront her and the other man about what I saw and they both swear nothing has ever happened. I've been watching things very closely for the past month, I have also jumped to conclusions about some other things that turned out to be nothing which caused her to withdraw even more. Currently I'm just paying very close attention to things and collecting whatever evidence I find.

One thing that has been working to bring her out of her withdrawal some is that I have pulled a 180. I have been slowly disconnecting myself from her, not our relationship or our family, but from her. I have no non essential conversation with her, if she speaks to me I engage but I don't elaborate, just answer what she's saying and that's it. I've been going out with friends more and doing more things that I want to do. Sometimes, if things have been going well, I will extend an invitation, but I do that more of as a way just to be courteous. I'm essentially living my life and not worrying about trying to fix our relationship anymore. I found that me trying to fix things only pushed her further away, look up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", it put a lot of things in perspective for me.

The other thing is I haven't let my guard down and I am keeping a close eye on her. She too was communicating with the other man though a messaging app, WhatsApp, so it is almost impossible to track the activity without access to the phone. What I have found though is this, she has a Pixel phone, the easiest way for users to access it is by simply swiping it open with their registered fingerprint. I know the newer iphones have a similar fingerprint scanner. If the phone reads the registered users fingerprint then it opens right up. What I do from time to time is once I know she's asleep, the best time is after she's had a few drinks before bed, but I take the phone, gently hold her finger out, and swipe the screen open. You need to very careful though, try and pick a time to do it that not only you know she's deep asleep, but at a time when her hand position is easily accessible. If you really need to manipulate her hand or finger too much you risk waking her and causing world war 3, lol. But I have looked through my wife's phone now on several occasions and I have seen that she's not talking to the other man and I'm seen conversations with friends that have also led me to believe more and more that the text was nothing more then just a text.

I also have VAR's hidden in places of the house that she talks on the phone the most. As nothing has turned up on any of the recordings, those recording can be helpful in other ways too. Some phones also have voice recognition software that can open unlock the phone. With the Pixel phone, simply hitting the microphone on the unlock screen and the phone hearing the "trusted voice" of the owner saying "ok google" will unlock the phone. I'm not sure if that works on the iphone but it might.

The biggest thing though, no matter what evidence you find, take pictures of it with your own phone, but DO NOT confront or even let on that you know anything until you have rock solid proof, and multiple pieces of evidence from multiple times and dates, before you confront her. And even then, do not show her the actual proof, just tell her that you know and be specific about things, but never reveal your actual sources. If she doesn't believe you or denies any of what you know for sure, tell her that it's time to get attorneys involved and let the courts decide.
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post #33 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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She's lying to the MC - so what's the point??? Stop going and see a lawyer ASAP.

If you REALLY think you need more evidence then hire the PI and/or use the VAR.
I don't understand the point of "collecting more evidence" either.

From first hand experience, you become obsessed with it and it the end 99/100 it just confirms what was literally IN YOUR FACE the entire time. Expect now you get the added bonus of mind movies.. yippee!

Look if you "need" evidence your spouse is a cheat, then the TRUST is gone in your relationship and without TRUST you're relationship if OVER anyway. You should just file and be done with it. Don't be like this guy.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #34 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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What I have found though is this, she has a Pixel phone, the easiest way for users to access it is by simply swiping it open with their registered fingerprint. I know the newer iphones have a similar fingerprint scanner. If the phone reads the registered users fingerprint then it opens right up. What I do from time to time is once I know she's asleep, the best time is after she's had a few drinks before bed, but I take the phone, gently hold her finger out, and swipe the screen open.
OMG now that is ballsy!

On one hand I admire your tenacity on the other hand if your marriage has gotten to the point that you need to swipe her sleeping finger across her locked phone to read suggestive text messages between her and another man you might as well take her sleeping hand, put a pen in it and sign the divorce papers with it.
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post #35 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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OMG now that is ballsy!

On one hand I admire your tenacity on the other hand if your marriage has gotten to the point that you need to swipe her sleeping finger across her locked phone to read suggestive text messages between her and another man you might as well take her sleeping hand, put a pen in it and sign the divorce papers with it.
No, no ,no....I haven't found any other suggestive messages. When I found the one message, she had fallen asleep with her hand on the screen so it never shut off. I was moving the phone to the night table and looked at the screen and saw a text asking how I had been "being". I thought it was odd that she was talking to this guy about our problems so I scrolled though and saw the message. Since then I have done the sleeping finger swipe move just to confirm that she is no longer speaking to him as she had told me.
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post #36 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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No, no ,no....I haven't found any other suggestive messages. When I found the one message, she had fallen asleep with her hand on the screen so it never shut off. I was moving the phone to the night table and looked at the screen and saw a text asking how I had been "being". I thought it was odd that she was talking to this guy about our problems so I scrolled though and saw the message. Since then I have done the sleeping finger swipe move just to confirm that she is no longer speaking to him as she had told me.


And you've never found anything? If that's the case you might be starting to sound like a controlling psycho though I'm assuming there was actual evidence at one point?


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post #37 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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And you've never found anything? If that's the case you might be starting to sound like a controlling psycho though I'm assuming there was actual evidence at one point?


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Yes, there was. There was a text sent from the OM first telling her things he wanted to do to her, followed by a goodnight message telling her to dream about all the things he would be doing to her in her dreams. She did respond to those texts but by vaguely saying she had good dreams. I confronted her and him about it and both told me that they had flirted before but nothing had ever happened and there were never any other texts like that one. She told me that she stopped talking to him and I have been periodically accessing her phone to make sure that was true and there were no more messages. What I'm thinking now is that I know she talked to the OM about our relationship, they both admitted to flirting from time to time, and what I think is that because of the flirting and knowing she wasn't happy in her marriage, that that message I saw was him trying to make a move on her and that I was lucky enough to catch it in time before it possibly did turn into an affair. I haven't let my guard down and things still aren't great but I am somewhat relieved.
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post #38 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

If it looks like cheating, smells like cheating and tastes like cheating, there is a very good chance that it is cheating. I found out the easy way when I tasted semen while performing oral sex. Funny part was that I had tasted it several times before but could not tell what it was. I should have asked her the first time, but I think we all do not want to believe what our gut tells us is true.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #39 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

@AtMyEnd, assuming that your wife is up to no good, your 180 will likely prompt her to take things even further underground.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #40 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:49 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

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I'm thinking now is that I know she talked to the OM about our relationship, they both admitted to flirting from time to time, and what I think is that because of the flirting and knowing she wasn't happy in her marriage, that that message I saw was him trying to make a move on her and that I was lucky enough to catch it in time before it possibly did turn into an affair. I haven't let my guard down and things still aren't great but I am somewhat relieved.
That's a reasonable way to approach and handle it.

Don't let the "She's having an affair why can't you see this!" mongers on TAM convince you otherwise.

I still think you need a backup plan for when she awakens while you're trying to unlock her phone with her finger. Buy a ring at a garage sale that looks pretty. Have it nearby just in case. When she wakes up and pulls her hand away and says "WTF are you doing" say "you caught me trying to size this ring I bought you as a surprise".

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post #41 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

Damn I wrote a whole esey and got loged out.

Sorry for saying this but your wife is in Emotional Affair. I belive it went full PA because of the length. If I remember corectlly it goes from March last year? That is long. Noone stays in EA for that long without sex.

What makes me angry is her reaction. She never told you the truth about OM,she continue to have Affair while you tried your best,changed yourself,put her in the first place...

MC is pointless right now. Having a third party in your Marriage is not going to work,especially not knowing the truth. You are vasting your money.

Another thing- never tell her about your information or your next step. Maybe you can find more.

What ever you decide make sure to tell other woman. She deserves to know. She is in the same situation like you.

Stay strong my friend.
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post #42 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:25 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

No kid! Why haven't you filled?
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post #43 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

@AtMyEnd

Why don't you have her PIN to unlock the phone? Or better yet, register one of your finger prints. You should have full access to each other phones.
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post #44 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:41 AM Thread Starter
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Well. iPhone was a no go. First attempt failed as my computer wasn't trusted. Second attempt on her computer was likewise unsuccessful as the iPhone backups are encrypted and it doesn't automatically sync with iTunes. No idea what the unlock code on her phone is now nor the encryption password.

I definitely wonder if there's something to the coaching comment as there's a level of tech saviness that's new for her.

I have my work obligations done for the week. Leaving for a conference Friday AM. Debating whether to confront now or leave a couple VAR's around and confront in front of a counselor on Tuesday.

I think waiting for the counselor would be helpful just because it would help me having a third party present to prevent or minimize any gaslighting or blame shifting and I can walk out of there feeling like I'm not crazy or making this all up.
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post #45 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:08 AM
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Re: Evidence of Affair, need advice

VAR in her car, VAR in the bedroom, and perhaps another wherever it is in the house that she tends to talk on the phone.

Use lithium batteries and Sony VARs.

See @weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread for configuration tips.

Use plenty of Velcro.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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