Typical cheater reaction when caught. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
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Typical cheater reaction when caught.

I keep reading and seeing wives and husbands who cheat and when caught do the following:

- Get mad because they were followed rather than just asking them if they are cheating. Why did they not tell their spouse they were cheating instead of putting it on him? Is a spouse supposed to ask their partner every day if they cheated. Most cheaters will never tell the truth anyway.

- Blame their spouse for their cheating. They were forced into it because of this and that thing that their spouse did or did not do. However, they never told their spouse about any of these so called problems.

- The spouse who is cheated on puts the blame on themselve. They apologize for forcing their partner to solve the problems by having sex. That is a recommended way of handling marital issues I suppose.

- The spouse who is cheated on goes to counselling on his own to find out why he or she made their spouse cheat. He is made to think that there is something wrong for him that forced his spouse to run to another's arms.

- The cheater will say nothing happen and swear to it, but when a video or other proof is presented, they still deny it. I read somewhere that if caught you should deny and deny no matter what. Apparently some people will want to believe the lie rather than what actually happened and will start to doubt what they saw over time as memory fades. Well maybe she/he was just checking the other person for cancerous moles after all.

- The spouse cheated on will go after the person who their cheating partner is with and places the blame on them as if they forced their spouse to cheat. No one is forced to cheat and yet some cheaters are very good at deflecting the blame on the person they have cheated with. I was drunk. I was vulnerable because I was away from home so long, etc..

- The spouse that is cheated on shows that they are afraid to get divorced. This usually ends up emboldening the cheater to cheat again since they know that divorce is off the table. I knew a woman who kept cheating because the worst that happened to her was a fight for a few hours and that was it. Well worth the hot sex she was getting over the last 10 years from her various lovers.

- We are just friends. Nothing is going on. Why don't you trust me? You must not love me.

The spouse who is cheated on often is looking for anything to grasp on to in order to avoid a divorce. They will blame themselves, blame the partner of the cheater, accept that extramarital sex was an attempt to fix a marital problem. I have watched Cheaters today and all three cheaters listed the reasons why they cheated but never complained about it to their spouse in a forceful manner. Plus none of the things they said would be cured by having sex with another person.

It sometimes breaks my heart when a cheating spouse successfully gets their partner to accept the blame and the cheating, due to them being a bad a spouse. When the cheater does not go for counselling and their spouse does, I want to shout to them that the cheater should be there with them instead of giving them a free pass and trying to fix themselves as if that will change their cheating spouse. I think that some just need to feel like they are doing something but I call all that stuff just speed bumps on the way to a divorce.

I understand that kids are involved and love does not disappear at will but it has been my experience that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Every women who cheated on me, went on to cheat on their boyfriends and husbands. Every women I knew who cheated on their husbands ( I knew because they tried to seduce me and I asked about their husbands) were cheating for a long time and had been caught once or twice already but forgiven. They did not stop cheating, they just got better at it.

How did it go down when you discovered your spouse was cheating? Did they accept the blame or try to push it off on you? Did they deny that anything sexual happened? Most will not tell the truth since giving details only adds fuel to the fire. No one got a second chance with me because although I can forgive, I can never forget and I did not want to live my life with a knot in my stomach every time my wife went out with the girls, worked late, took a business trip, went shopping, etc.. The problem is that whether they cheat again or not, your feelings are going to be pretty much the same. How did your cheating spouse react when caught?


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-14-2017 at 02:08 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

@leaveorstay, I thought of you when this thread came up.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

@Vinnydee

Most of what you write is an accurate portrayal of the betrayed spouses who post here but realize you are looking at an extremely skewed subpopulation which is composed almost entirely of people who have been cheated on, and rather than finding their inner strength, self confidence, and just plain common sense and just kicking the cheater to the curb and walking away and ultimately finding someone worthy of their time, affection, trust, and love, they try to find reasons to stay with the person who betrayed them in the cruelest possible way, and since the cheater isn't about to say "yeah I did it and it's all my fault", they have placed themselves in the unfortunate position where the only way to rationalize their decision to stay is to find blame within themselves.

People who simply say "you cheated, I'm gone" and then immediately file for divorce don't have any reason to post on forums such as this one looking for advice with thread titles to the effect of "I was cheated on how do I get them to pick me rather than their affair partner".

Last edited by browser; 03-14-2017 at 01:56 PM.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
they try to find reasons to stay with the person who betrayed them in the cruelest possible way, and since the cheater isn't about to say "yeah I did it and it's all my fault", they have placed themselves in the unfortunate position where the only way to rationalize their decision to stay is to find blame within themselves.
This.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:06 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

My husbands reasoning was that we weren't getting along at all. But we weren't getting along because he was in contact with his ex gf. I can pinpoint almost to the day he started talking to her again. Because it's the day my marriage started going downhill again.So yes, we weren’t getting along at all when he did it the last time, but we weren’t getting along because his good feelings and emotions were going to her and I was just the pest that he shared a life with who paid his bills, washed his clothes, cooked his food and was doing everything I could think of to save my marriage. But we couldn’t go a day without fighting. I cried every day in frustration and anger and despair trying to fix it. Asking him what he needed from me, what I could do, begging him to go to counseling with me, asking what it would take to fix us. And he would just answer he didn’t know and tell me that he wasn’t in love with me. It was a horrible time. When I found out he was talking to her again, he told me that we needed to split up because *I* couldn’t stop “looking for” things to be angry about, that *I* couldn’t let her go and that *I* was never going to get over the fact that she was his ex girlfriend. I found out about a month later that he’d been to see her and that’s when I pretty much confirmed that it had gone physical. He STILL won’t admit it’s been physical to this day. He says they were “talking about their lives”, but he drove 2 hours on several occasions to “talk about their lives”. He claims he “didn’t mean to hurt me”. LOL. OK.

I cheated as well. Drunken ONS. My AP gave me everything in one night that my husband hadn’t in years. But I had told my husband I needed these things, that these things were lacking, that I craved them so badly. He really just didn’t care to do much about it. Still doesn’t. He claims his was an RA, yet his was technically going on before I did what I did and continued for close to 3 years afterwards, escalating the most between year 2 and 3. For the time being, I don’t think he’s currently in contact or cheating. But he’s followed the cheaters script for everything to a tee. I have no doubt he will do it again. I guess I’m just waiting.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 02:32 PM
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My husband denied denied denied. Came up with a stupid reason why he had stopped by this girls apartment.
He said "you are crazy... you just want there to be a problem"
"I'm going to say yes I cheated but I am only saying that because you are forcing me to" <<<<wtf???
When he finally confessed, he went on and on about what a failure he is.
Then he got angry at me - and again said "you just love fighting! You just want us to divorce"
He told me it was only oral.
Me - "I can't believe you had sex with another person"
Him "it was only oral"
If I already knew what happened, why did you have to go back and minimize it?

"She kept coming onto me"
"She was flirting hardcore"

Mine seriously gas lighted me.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
@leaveorstay, I thought of you when this thread came up.
This pretty much sums my situation to a T. Especially the part about making me feel as if this is my fault. Yes, I share the blame for some other issues we have had but him choosing to cheat rest solely on him & he still won't accept that. He actually wanted to explain to me the things I can do to help him not want to do this again.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I keep reading and seeing wives and husbands who cheat and when caught do the following:

How did it go down when you discovered your spouse was cheating?
DD I caught my wife cheating was of course awful... but in a strange way I was relieved. I had suspected for years, even soft confronted a few times. Always met with "I could never betray you." RIGHT? I wasn't crazy.

How did it go down?

There was no denying. I had proof positive emails (the old sent box) of her meeting at a hotel and having "sex holiday" with her AP. Immediately she started to justify with dozen excuses.

In retrospect, she had built up a laundry list of reasoning justifying her affairs. Prior to DD, they made perfect since to her. Now the "funny" part, as she rattled off her issues with our marriage the balloon just fell flat.

"You never take me to the movies" say what? She even admitted that sounded stupid.

"Are marriage was so broken" WTF? Do you think years of lying and sleeping with OM might of been the cause?

Get the point... Nothing she said made any sense now.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
My husband denied denied denied. Came up with a stupid reason why he had stopped by this girls apartment.
He said "you are crazy... you just want there to be a problem"
"I'm going to say yes I cheated but I am only saying that because you are forcing me to" <<<<wtf???
When he finally confessed, he went on and on about what a failure he is.
Then he got angry at me - and again said "you just love fighting! You just want us to divorce"
He told me it was only oral.
Me - "I can't believe you had sex with another person"
Him "it was only oral"
If I already knew what happened, why did you have to go back and minimize it?

"She kept coming onto me"
"She was flirting hardcore"

Mine seriously gas lighted me.
Well, he told ONE truth. What a failure he is.

I would have delighted in throat punching this imbecile before booting him right out the front door with his clothes in Hefty Bags..
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
My husband denied denied denied. Came up with a stupid reason why he had stopped by this girls apartment.
He said "you are crazy... you just want there to be a problem"
"I'm going to say yes I cheated but I am only saying that because you are forcing me to" &lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;wtf???
When he finally confessed, he went on and on about what a failure he is.
Then he got angry at me - and again said "you just love fighting! You just want us to divorce"
He told me it was only oral.
Me - "I can't believe you had sex with another person"
Him "it was only oral"
If I already knew what happened, why did you have to go back and minimize it?

"She kept coming onto me"
"She was flirting hardcore"

Mine seriously gas lighted me.
Well, he told ONE truth. What a failure he is.

I would have delighted in throat punching this imbecile before booting him right out the front door with his clothes in Hefty Bags..
Trust me, I wish I would have done that!!!

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

Mine told me her behavior was to test how i would react if i thought i was being cheated on.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: Typical cheater reaction when caught.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinnydee View Post
I keep reading and seeing wives and husbands who cheat and when caught do the following:

- Get mad because they were followed rather than just asking them if they are cheating. Why did they not tell their spouse they were cheating instead of putting it on him? Is a spouse supposed to ask their partner every day if they cheated. Most cheaters will never tell the truth anyway.

- Blame their spouse for their cheating. They were forced into it because of this and that thing that their spouse did or did not do. However, they never told their spouse about any of these so called problems.

- The spouse who is cheated on puts the blame on themselve. They apologize for forcing their partner to solve the problems by having sex. That is a recommended way of handling marital issues I suppose.

- The spouse who is cheated on goes to counselling on his own to find out why he or she made their spouse cheat. He is made to think that there is something wrong for him that forced his spouse to run to another's arms.

- The cheater will say nothing happen and swear to it, but when a video or other proof is presented, they still deny it. I read somewhere that if caught you should deny and deny no matter what. Apparently some people will want to believe the lie rather than what actually happened and will start to doubt what they saw over time as memory fades. Well maybe she/he was just checking the other person for cancerous moles after all.

- The spouse cheated on will go after the person who their cheating partner is with and places the blame on them as if they forced their spouse to cheat. No one is forced to cheat and yet some cheaters are very good at deflecting the blame on the person they have cheated with. I was drunk. I was vulnerable because I was away from home so long, etc..

- The spouse that is cheated on shows that they are afraid to get divorced. This usually ends up emboldening the cheater to cheat again since they know that divorce is off the table. I knew a woman who kept cheating because the worst that happened to her was a fight for a few hours and that was it. Well worth the hot sex she was getting over the last 10 years from her various lovers.

- We are just friends. Nothing is going on. Why don't you trust me? You must not love me.

The spouse who is cheated on often is looking for anything to grasp on to in order to avoid a divorce. They will blame themselves, blame the partner of the cheater, accept that extramarital sex was an attempt to fix a marital problem. I have watched Cheaters today and all three cheaters listed the reasons why they cheated but never complained about it to their spouse in a forceful manner. Plus none of the things they said would be cured by having sex with another person.

It sometimes breaks my heart when a cheating spouse successfully gets their partner to accept the blame and the cheating, due to them being a bad a spouse. When the cheater does not go for counselling and their spouse does, I want to shout to them that the cheater should be there with them instead of giving them a free pass and trying to fix themselves as if that will change their cheating spouse. I think that some just need to feel like they are doing something but I call all that stuff just speed bumps on the way to a divorce.

I understand that kids are involved and love does not disappear at will but it has been my experience that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Every women who cheated on me, went on to cheat on their boyfriends and husbands. Every women I knew who cheated on their husbands ( I knew because they tried to seduce me and I asked about their husbands) were cheating for a long time and had been caught once or twice already but forgiven. They did not stop cheating, they just got better at it.

How did it go down when you discovered your spouse was cheating? Did they accept the blame or try to push it off on you? Did they deny that anything sexual happened? Most will not tell the truth since giving details only adds fuel to the fire. No one got a second chance with me because although I can forgive, I can never forget and I did not want to live my life with a knot in my stomach every time my wife went out with the girls, worked late, took a business trip, went shopping, etc.. The problem is that whether they cheat again or not, your feelings are going to be pretty much the same. How did your cheating spouse react when caught?


Ion he will deny it for the rest of his life. And will not take responsibility for his choices!!


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