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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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to leave or not to leave

I've been married to my husband for a year. We've been together almost 3 years. He's 47, I'm 42. During our first year living together I found that he was browsing casual encounters on CL. He gave me a plausible reason for the searches and although I didn't entirely believe him, I let it go. He is away from home frequently because of his profession. I travel somewhat frequently because of my work requirements and this year due to his teenage son's antics we decided that one of us has to be home with him. I was out of town three months ago for a week and upon my return I saw a search history for casual encounters on his phone. I should mention that I'm the most tech savvy person in the house. I pay for his phone and have the password as I'm the one who updates the software on it. I was attempting to use the phone to google something since my phone was in the other room. I asked him about the search and he told me that he was trying to prove to his friends that the ads an CL are mostly fake. Later I found that he had emailed a couple of ads. He was very defensive both times, threatened to leave, threw his phone outside, and yelled at me for violating his privacy. When I got him to calm down enough to discuss the emails he told me that it was just part of trying to prove that the ads were fake. That didn't make sense as he emailed back and forth with one person a couple of times. Since the phones are on my account I searched the text and call history for the day in question. He had no calls or texts from the friends he was supposedly with and had several sent/recvd texts from a number based out of California that correspond to the same time as when he sent the emails to CL. I also have the password to his email account. I found that he has signed up for at least 2 adult "hook up" sites for casual sex.
I cannot prove that anything has happened and I am worried that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but this information is really bothering me to the point that I'm considering not travelling for work anymore. I can't talk to my family or close friends about this because I don't want them to know. I feel that sexting is cheating and he knows that. I'm afraid that he has/is/or will actually have an affair with someone he meets on one of these websites. The thing I find extremely odd is that three of his previous relationships ended because the female cheated on him. I'm looking for words of wisdom? Advice?

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:59 PM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

If it smells like cheating, looks like cheating and feels like cheating, it is cheating. I am always amazed when people refuse to believe what they know to be true in their gut, unless they catch their spouse in the act. The last time I waited for firm proof, my girlfriend had been having sex with other men every week for a few months. Stupid me waited for months before acknowledging what that funny taste during oral sex was every night when she came home late. I was also at risk of STD's all that time. Keep that in mind. If your husband is given a lot of time to cheat on you, he can catch an STD and bring it home to you. Your husband, your choice.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:29 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

He is already cheating, where is your boundary, when he puts his penis into someone else? Come on, either you are gullible or not wanting to accept the truth. The fact that he is on such websites and has corresponded with someone already, lied to your about his whereabouts is enough to go see a lawyer and dump his ass.
You are already taking the wrong path by stopping the life you live and deciding not to travel anymore, is that the life you signed up for to monitor and watch him and then when he does put his penis in someone else, then what? In fact I think he has already slept with that person on the California number.

Tell your family and friends what he has been doing, I bet they will tell you to dump him.
Go see a lawyer to get advice on your living arrangements and financials
file the papers and do not look back

Incidentally how did he and his previous wife end up divorced? I bet he cheated on her too? He said they cheated on him, I bet it was the other way around.

Last edited by aine; 03-15-2017 at 12:30 AM. Reason: to add
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:30 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

Quote:
Originally Posted by trustissues911 View Post
I've been married to my husband for a year. We've been together almost 3 years. He's 47, I'm 42. During our first year living together I found that he was browsing casual encounters on CL. He gave me a plausible reason for the searches and although I didn't entirely believe him, I let it go. He is away from home frequently because of his profession. I travel somewhat frequently because of my work requirements and this year due to his teenage son's antics we decided that one of us has to be home with him. I was out of town three months ago for a week and upon my return I saw a search history for casual encounters on his phone. I should mention that I'm the most tech savvy person in the house. I pay for his phone and have the password as I'm the one who updates the software on it. I was attempting to use the phone to google something since my phone was in the other room. I asked him about the search and he told me that he was trying to prove to his friends that the ads an CL are mostly fake. Later I found that he had emailed a couple of ads. He was very defensive both times, threatened to leave, threw his phone outside, and yelled at me for violating his privacy. When I got him to calm down enough to discuss the emails he told me that it was just part of trying to prove that the ads were fake. That didn't make sense as he emailed back and forth with one person a couple of times. Since the phones are on my account I searched the text and call history for the day in question. He had no calls or texts from the friends he was supposedly with and had several sent/recvd texts from a number based out of California that correspond to the same time as when he sent the emails to CL. I also have the password to his email account. I found that he has signed up for at least 2 adult "hook up" sites for casual sex.
I cannot prove that anything has happened and I am worried that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but this information is really bothering me to the point that I'm considering not travelling for work anymore. I can't talk to my family or close friends about this because I don't want them to know. I feel that sexting is cheating and he knows that. I'm afraid that he has/is/or will actually have an affair with someone he meets on one of these websites. The thing I find extremely odd is that three of his previous relationships ended because the female cheated on him. I'm looking for words of wisdom? Advice?
His response to your questions and fears it to disregard how you feel. Is that the behavior and attitude of someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart or is it the behavior and attitude of someone who is trying to blame shift and throw you off track? He is clearly trying to make you feel bad for doubting him rather than addressing your very real concerns. This shows that his focus is on redirecting you. Why would he do that unless he was cheating on you?

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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:51 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

First - what everyone else has said so far - he is cheating by sexting and if he hasn't had physical sex it's only because he hasn't had the opportunity. His anger and throwing the phone are classic - the cheater acts outraged and wounded that you would even question him! (If you were trying to prove to a friend that this type of site was fake and he saw these texts, would you go nuts on him? Or would you be "OMG, I'm so sorry, I see how this looks, please, look through all my email, etc." and do all you could to reassure him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by trustissues911 View Post
...The thing I find extremely odd is that three of his previous relationships ended because the female cheated on him. I'm looking for words of wisdom? Advice?
You would think. But this means nothing. My first husband was cheated on by his first wife. He was so hurt and devastated by it I had blind faith he would never cheat on me (despite all signs to the contrary). Yet when we got divorced for other reasons he decided to clear his conscience and told me he'd cheated on me just weeks after we got married (when he was in the Navy out to sea) and basically every chance he got after that. His reason? "He thought it would be fun."

It's not like your H would tell you if he has also been a cheater before you. Now I wonder if my first H cheated on his first wife too, but since she had affairs and everyone knew, he got to be the victim by crying about how wronged he was and how horrible she was. BTW, she's one of the people he cheated on me with...

Now that I think about it, I also wonder what really happened to my cat that disappeared the weekend I was out of town...
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

No doubt he's attempting to cheat and possible he's already cheated. He's certainly had the opportunity.

I wouldn't necessarily insist that he take a polygraph, but you should ask him if he'd be willing to take one. If he throws another fit, you probably have your answer.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

CL casual encounters is designed for random hook ups and is used by many married people to find NSA sex while their spouses are away or otherwise occupied. He's been using CL for quite some time, by the look of things. His behaviors are classic adulterer and I say this as a former adulteress myself.

You aren't in a court of law. You have plenty of evidence he has been cheating. Are you planning on waiting for a positive STD test, child support papers in the mail because he knocked another woman up during his "casual encounter", or to actually catch him balls deep in another woman before you actually do something?

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

There was a study done by NYU Stern School of Business a few years ago. They reported that these types of offerings on CL in a given region lead to higher number of STD's reported to include syphilis and AIDS.

The University of Minnesota reported that in the time from 1999 to 2008, that CL casual encounters led to a 15.9% surge in HIV cases.

AIDS was linked to men seeking men. The increase in syphilis was linked to women seeking men or men seeking women.

Don't bust me for saying AIDS. I am reporting from the article. They more than likely meant HIV, which can lead to AIDS.

I don't buy your husband's line of trying to prove that these ads are fake. I suspect some are but others are not.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

Throwing a fit/tantrum is a childish, TELLING response.

If there was nothing to hide, if there was a simple answer, or if he was half of a mature adult, you would have had the truth from him, WITHOUT the theatrics.

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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

You've caught him more than once violating an obvious marriage boundary. You'll have to make a decision whether you trust that he'll knock it off from now on but either way this will definitely cast doubt on his trustworthiness. It will be hard to continue a marriage that does not have trust as one of it's pillars.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

Quote:
Originally Posted by trustissues911 View Post
I've been married to my husband for a year. We've been together almost 3 years. He's 47, I'm 42. During our first year living together I found that he was browsing casual encounters on CL. He gave me a plausible reason for the searches and although I didn't entirely believe him, I let it go.
I can't actually imagine any kind of plausible reason to be browsing CL for encounters unless you actually want encounters. Is he a cop conducting an investigation on someone and doing these searches while at work? If you let his sketchy excuse go, then he felt you gave him approval to keep doing it. Your agreement to marry him after this certainly made him think it was okay with you.

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He is away from home frequently because of his profession. I travel somewhat frequently because of my work requirements and this year due to his teenage son's antics we decided that one of us has to be home with him.
Don't you quit your job for his son whom you have known for only three years. Did this guy marry you so he would have someone to deal with his son's antics for him?

Quote:
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I was out of town three months ago for a week and upon my return I saw a search history for casual encounters on his phone. I should mention that I'm the most tech savvy person in the house. I pay for his phone and have the password as I'm the one who updates the software on it. I was attempting to use the phone to google something since my phone was in the other room. I asked him about the search and he told me that he was trying to prove to his friends that the ads an CL are mostly fake. Later I found that he had emailed a couple of ads. He was very defensive both times, threatened to leave, threw his phone outside, and yelled at me for violating his privacy.
Oh dear. Classic cheater reaction, to be defensive, threaten you, be critical of you, anything to deflect your attention from his behaviour and make you think you're the bad one.

Even take the subject matter of cheating away. Do you really want to be with someone who gets defensive, threatens to leave, treats his possessions carelessly and yells at you? Does he do this about other disagreements too?

Quote:
Originally Posted by trustissues911 View Post
When I got him to calm down enough to discuss the emails he told me that it was just part of trying to prove that the ads were fake. That didn't make sense as he emailed back and forth with one person a couple of times. Since the phones are on my account I searched the text and call history for the day in question. He had no calls or texts from the friends he was supposedly with and had several sent/recvd texts from a number based out of California that correspond to the same time as when he sent the emails to CL. I also have the password to his email account. I found that he has signed up for at least 2 adult "hook up" sites for casual sex.
So you caught this guy behaving suspiciously, and he turned it around on you for snooping on him, and now you've found further suspicious behaviour. Are you going to believe his words, or his actions? Are you waiting for actual proof, or for him to admit something? An admission will never happen. If you feel you need more proof, there are ways to get it - hire a PI, plant a recording device, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by trustissues911 View Post
I cannot prove that anything has happened and I am worried that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but this information is really bothering me to the point that I'm considering not travelling for work anymore. I can't talk to my family or close friends about this because I don't want them to know. I feel that sexting is cheating and he knows that. I'm afraid that he has/is/or will actually have an affair with someone he meets on one of these websites.
If he travels for work, you stopping your own travel isn't going to curb his behaviour in the least. Don't jeopardize your job.

The molehill doesn't have to be a mountain to still be concealing tons of tunnels and critters. What sort of proof do you think you would need before you took action? Even if he hasn't actually had a physical affair, he's certainly been seeking one. Shouldn't that be enough for you to leave him? You seem to be drawing your line in a funny place.

Quote:
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The thing I find extremely odd is that three of his previous relationships ended because the female cheated on him.
Do you only have his word on that, or have you spoken to these women? He's already lying to you about other things, so this statement is hardly automatically truthful. Even if it was, just because he's been cheated on in the past doesn't make him immune to cheating himself.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: to leave or not to leave

Thank you for all the responses. You are all saying what is probably true, but part of me is hoping not to believe it. His previous relationships have never been marriages. He initially told me that he was married when he lived in another state and caught his wife cheating and that's how he ended up here. We live in Alaska. I was born and raised here, but he is a transplant. He's a commercial fisherman and I work in fisheries. Anyway, when we first met he told me that he was divorced and had one child in another state and one with him (the son). I later found out that he had never actually been legally married when we applied for our marriage license. I didn't think too much on that because some people feel that living together and having a child together = marriage. He has sole custody of his son because the biological mother (someone he met when he moved here) gave up her parental rights. She has not been very involved in the son's life. Where we live it is hard to be close to someone unless you have the means to travel frequently. There are no roads connecting us to the mainland. That said; it doesn't seem like she tries very hard to be in his life, but that's an entirely different thread.
I had a full panel of STD tests done last summer and all the tests came back negative. He's out fishing now and thus the kid is in my care. I guess a part of me is waiting for proof to smack me in the face. I realize how that sounds and how stupid I may seem. I have invested so much in this relationship. I was married for 6 years to a man who was violent and crazy. I divorced him ten years ago and although I dated a bit in between I didn't have any long term relationships until this one. I thought he would be different. Essentially I support him and his kid. He gets no child support from the bio-mother and doesn't make enough money to contribute regularly to the household. Why am I with him right? Yeah, it sounds stupid too as I write this. I thought that even though we both came with baggage, that we could make it through. I hoped that what he says is true all the time about how much he loves me and how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him etc. etc. In the end he has been playing me for a fool.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

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....but this information is really bothering me to the point that I'm considering not travelling for work anymore.
Do NOT be foolish and compromise your livelihood in ANY way for this cheating low life. You're going to need that job to support yourself in the future, trust me.

It's kind of obvious you want very badly to bury your head in the sand and assume you're creating trouble when it isn't there. It's there alright and you're paying for this cretin to access Craigslist looking for sex. God, how does this guy have ANY freakin' pride at ALL? That would be the FIRST thing to go - his cell phone.

Quote:
Essentially I support him and his kid.
Ugh. Why are you supporting this loser? So you're paying to be with this lying cheat? And offering up daycare services for his kid on top of it? Look TrustIssues, I know Alaska is pretty barren and there aren't tons of eligible bachelors up there, but this guy is really the bottom of the proverbial barrel. Just the bottom.

Quote:
The thing I find extremely odd is that three of his previous relationships ended because the female cheated on him. I'm looking for words of wisdom? Advice?
LOL. I'll just BET it was the women who were tom-catting around. Let's be HONEST here. If this guy can't appreciate or respect a woman who'll support his worthless ass AND take care of his kid while he's off on some boat supposedly 'fishing' why would he have treated these past women any differently? He's no choir boy and never was. I'd be willing to bet those 3 women have vastly different tales to tell about their time with him then the stories this liar is peddling.

Quote:
I'm afraid that he has/is/or will actually have an affair with someone he meets on one of these websites.
That's what he's looking for and hoping to find. Whether you travel for work or not has no bearing on it. He'll find a way to work with any schedule he has to.

Quote:
Why am I with him right?
That IS the the $64,000 question. I would have gladly given him a free trip to the curb - courtesy of my right foot - a long, long time ago.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

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That IS the the $64,000 question. I would have gladly given him a free trip to the curb - courtesy of my right foot - a long, long time ago.
OMG hilarious!
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: to leave or not to leave

An Army pal of mine use to work on a fishing boat in Alaska and he made good money. He would send us fresh Salmon.

Anyway, how his past relationships ended are in doubt in my mind.

If it was me, I would have him have his phone set up where you could check it anytime anywhere.

Also, I would have throat punched him the moment he said you were violating his privacy, heard that excuse used too often to cover up being caught.

This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
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