World has been turned upside down in a day. - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #136 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Just remember that your marriage and the woman you married no longer exist. Go hire the toughest lawyer you can find and get the D rolling as soon as possible. Take off your ring and get rid of all pictures. If you need to, burn them.

There is no turning back now. You will be strong, you will be assertive, and you will NOT tolerate this behavior. Tell her she needs to start looking for a place to stay as soon as possible.

If you want to be mean, do as LH recommended and tell her you can't wait to find a woman and one day have children together. Tell her you are now officially separated and on the way to divorce. Then, if the mood hits you, get on CL or some dating sites and start looking for some FWB or ONS action.

Regardless, do NOT consider chasing her. Go ahead and call your marriage over. Just get that D started ASAP!

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post #137 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She is out with him at the moment. I've set the alarm and she doesn't have a key. Told me she's running late but then admitted she's with him. I am going to file tommorrow. Not like she cares.

My birthday is in a week. Early present I guess. Atleast she won't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry tonight.
Do not let her in no matter what. Time for a reality check for her. I will give you the advice my BIL gave my nephew whose wife betrayed him" f her and feed her fish heads".

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #138 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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She is out with him at the moment. I've set the alarm and she doesn't have a key. Told me she's running late but then admitted she's with him. I am going to file tommorrow. Not like she cares.

My birthday is in a week. Early present I guess. At least she won't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry tonight.
I'm sorry that your heart is breaking. It is horrible to be cheated on. You don't deserve any of this.

You are smart to file immediately. If it doesn't shock her into reality at least you won't be wasting time, but will be moving forward.

Turn you phone off. She's going to be frantic when she realizes she can't get into the house.

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post #139 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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She is out with him at the moment.... Told me she's running late but then admitted she's with him.
This shows how brazen she is in her infatuation with the other guy. It's time for you to go nuclear, and I don't mean to imply this means for you to engage her. It's time to shut up and let your actions do your talking and a divorce summons is needed asap.

And for heavens sake, stop letting her dictate the dialog. End the dialog, this will reduce her leverage over you. I would simply tell her that she is repulsive to you and the only thing you have to tell her is because she is cheating you will divorce her and it's non negotiable. End it there, walk away, do the 180, and tell her to communicate with you only through your lawyer.

Don't be baited into engaging with the other guy. If anything, tell him thanks for taking a disloyal wife off your hands. Think about it, this guy may have actually done you a favor in the long run. I hasten to add that he is not justified, but in the long run you will be better off without a wife with this kind of a moral deficit.

Cutting her off might snap her out of the fog, but that is not why I recommend it. I advise you to do it because it will help you to heal faster afterwards because you will be able to respect yourself for not groveling to get back a defiled wife. Now man up and force yourself to view her in the light of truth as the enemy of your soul. The wife you knew and loved does not exist any more.
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post #140 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
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I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
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post #141 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?


What kind of dog do you have? You keep the dog!
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post #142 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:19 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Am I really that disposable?
I was. We all are.

The trick is to not allow ourselves to derive our value by fallible, morally bankrupt cheaters.
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post #143 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Lesson learned --

We're all disposable, but only to those that don't value us, and are therefore worth neither grief nor consideration.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 03-16-2017 at 11:56 PM.
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post #144 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
Dude, one of the first things out of my mouth when my xWW said the "I love you but blah, blah blah" was no matter what happens I will be keeping our dogs. No negotiation. You keep your dog.

Keep the job, you need to make money and get your thoughts away the situation at hand...it WILL become manageable.

Who knows what line of bull**** she will come home with, could be she had to see him one last time to say good bye, could be they decided to move in together. She probably will say she's staying with a "a friend" tonight, No matter what she says it is probably a lie. Do not engage with her until you feel you can. Turn off your phone for tonight.

Be strong. Don't fall for her nonsense. She has had months to prepare for this, you have had days. You are in shock.

Have her served at work. That's where the whole thing began, seems logical.

Last edited by mickybill; 03-17-2017 at 12:01 AM.
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post #145 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:41 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Dispose of her.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #146 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

It is a **** storm no doubt about it. But try to keep this in mind....right now she thinks she is winning, she thinks she is calling the shots. And she is. But it does not have to stay that way.

If you quit your job, or do anything stupid....she wins. She wins by continuing to inflict pain on you. The only way you are going to start feeling better is to take action and take control. Cheaters like her lose their minds if they feel they are not in control.

Without telling her anything.......File. Have her served at work. The same day she is served you expose her to your family, her family, and any close friends. Otherwise she will spin the story to make you the bad guy. These actions will put her on her heels. She has checked out of the relationship. Time for you to check out and find someone new. There is a world of women out there that will love and respect you the way you deserve.
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post #147 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:20 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Am I really that disposable?
Never get your value and self worth from others, this is a trap. You need to ask yourself are you disposable to you? Are you going to allow this unloyal skank define your value? How much value does she have. From where I am sitting not much. Your life has meaning even if you are alone. This is one the hardest and probably one of the worst things you will ever go through as a human being. There are probably few things worse. It's emotional boot camp. You just need to survive it right now. But you will and if you do you will understand if you can get through this you can get through anything.

It is going to change you, but really a lot of the change is for the better. All of us who went through it are like emotional Marines, battle scared but wiser and much stronger. As they say embrace the suck. Rage, cry and then use it to move on and prove her and everyone wrong.

The best advice anyone can give you right now is take your agency back in your life and fight. Fight like your life depended on it, because it does. Turn your anger into hate for a little while and blow up her world. File and tell her family. Then ghost her if not physically emotionally. Kill every ounce of love you once had for her. She is a vampire, treat her as such.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-17-2017 at 12:24 AM.
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post #148 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 12:44 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
Sitting in your home, crying, and talking to internet strangers is a perfectly acceptable thing to be doing at the moment, but do get some sleep. You need your rest.

Do not quit your job. That would be a huge mistake. Your life is not over, even if your marriage is. Your wife doesn't define you and if she did, then that is a big problem right there.

Look, I've been married for over 30 years. I love my husband, but he does not define me. I am more than whatever value my husband may or may not give me. If he were gone tomorrow, that would not change my value as a person.

Talk to people who love you. Maybe go spend the night at a sibling's house or your parent's or a friend's. Not tonight. You don't want to wake anyone up. But get around some people who love you. Have dinner with them. Maybe they will get you to eat.

When you get to work, focus only on your job. Like you normally do. Compartmentalize this situation and deal with it when you are not at work.

This is a huge bomb in your life, but things will get better. You are going to get angry and that will help you move through the stages of grief and to move forward with your life.

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post #149 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:41 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

You will be fine. You are still in the shock phase and will begin transitioning to the anger phase. Get a therapist to help navigate these emotional waters.

I hate to sound disrespectful but all you're doing is simply removing a disease. Of course you'd rather be on a beach somewhere but you need to do what you need to do, then you'll be healthy again.

You cannot picture happiness now but just know that you will. The body reacts in a way that is making it physically impossible to right now. LonelyHusband is an ex-marine and it broke him for a few months as well

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post #150 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:59 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet.
@ddude23 I can promise you that you will never be the same after this, but "never being the same" can be both good and bad. For example, you may not just give away trust so easily anymore--and yet that can be a wise thing actually. You may not ever be as entangled with someone as you were with your wife, and yet being interdependent is healthier than being co-dependent so that's good. I'm not saying this to be a Pollyanna. I'm saying this because it is true--you will never be the same. But not all change is "bad." I want you to have some hope.

Regarding your job, here's my strong suggestion: let your boss know what you're going through, to whatever degree you feel comfortable. Chances are about 50% that your boss has been divorced, and about 100% that they know someone close who went through a divorce. Your boss may suggest taking some time off, but when you do go back to work, if you are distracted or less productive at least they'll know why and understand a little bit.

Quote:
I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse.
I said it before, right? EVERY choice has a benefit and a cost. Every decision you make will affect the situation and result in some benefit to you and some cost to you. Many people don't want to file because they are afraid...and they make the choice to "hope" and "do nothing." The benefit of "hoping" is that in their head they can be in denial and keep thinking "maybe it will be the way it was." The cost of "hoping" is that they aren't living in or dealing with reality! So I'm already proud of you. At a time when it hurts to even BREATHE you've made a decision for your own dignity and removed her things from the marital bedroom. You stood up for yourself, even if it was small but mighty! You did it! Good job.

From this point you can do it, @ddude23. You can take YOUR time, and decide what YOU want, and allow her access to you when YOU want it...not when she does. YOU choose what boundaries you set and who you allow in to have intimate access to you. Right now, the situation is pretty bad, and even when most men literally crumble, you had the courage to be brave for yourself AND do the most loving thing for your wife that you can do: allow her to experience the consequence of choosing adultery. YOU will not make this situation worse--it is her actions that made this situation a disaster.

Quote:
Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
Did you know that my dog saved my life? I was a gal who always loved bigger dogs, like labs and collies, and my exH went off and spent $800 on a maltese without asking me. Then my exH took off with his Wistress and left me with this dumb lump of hair! But when I came home from work every day, he was at the door JUMPING because he was so happy to see me. He LOVED me. Wherever I went, he went. He was on my lap, in my face, barking and goofing around cheering me up. When I'd cry, he'd put his puppy head under my arm and make me pet him and then he'd lay on my lap and sort of sigh. Silly little guy. The thought of suicide crossed my mind, but I had kids and I had that crazy little dog.

Dogs can be angels at this time in life. KEEP your dog.

And bear in my that it is not you that is disposable. What is disposable is her morals and her honor. What is disposable is her reputation. What is disposable is her dignity...her beauty...her peace. All these things are valueless to her, and that is tragic. YOU are who you are, a loving, caring, thoughtful, kind, gentle, good, honorable, moral, dignified, tender-hearted man. In and of itself, those qualities have value. And this day and age, a person (male or female) who has that much character is a PRICELESS TREASURE.

The fact that she doesn't see it reflects her inability to see, not your worth. She's blind! Okay? Got it?

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Last edited by Affaircare; 03-17-2017 at 12:15 PM.
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