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post #151 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.

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post #152 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:10 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance
1. She did not think you would react this way
2. Stalling tactic so she can prepare
IMMEDIATELY DO THIS IN THE MORNING
A. Separate finances immediately
B. Cancel Credit Cards
C. Set up your own Bank Accounts now and put 50% of the joint money into it.
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post #153 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:47 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Ddude, are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

You know what you need to do.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #154 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.
Dude,

Well, I knew she was going to get back in. If her name is on house I was just hoping you did not wind up in jail over her actions.
Every time you post you still care about her, and tell her that, you are digging yourself a bigger hole to climb out of so please STOP IT. We all know how you feel but that is not going to help you.

Now she tells you she thinks you shouldn't file yet. Can you think of any reason that you shouldn't???? She has just told you, what we all knew, that she is and has been having sex with this guy, probably multiple times a week, and that she is now not even going to hide it from you.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER GOING TO AN MARRIAGE THERAPIST WITH HER.????????

My guess is she initially confessed to you because this OM probably is divorced and she is convinced he will be all hers. Otherwise she would have continued with the denial and deceit. Dude, you must get to an attorney today and get the papers drawn up. Remember, an attorney is there to advise you on legal issues, NOT to play marriage therapist. He or she is not living with a spouse who is cheating.

Your wife is going to make this as painful for you as possible for a couple of reasons.
(1) she obviously has nowhere to go and does not make enough money to get a place of her own
(2) her boyfriend obviously has not offered for her to move in right now

So unfortunately, until you can get this divorce done, which she should want, you are going to be stuck watching her going out and coming home or not coming home and you can't lock her out. That is why you need to get rolling on this divorce.

Dude, please stop discussing or engaging with her about anything. Last nighht she arrived home from banging another man and then tells you that maybe therapy might help,. It is just a stall.

Now cut her funding off and protect yourself financially. Filing will make you in most cases not responsible for any debt she incurs.

Get moving. Time is wasting.
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post #155 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:03 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

You could have waited for her to call the police. It might have created more ruckus than you wanted but you could have entered into statement that she was with her OM, then show the texts to prove it. It would be embarrassing for her and documented.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #156 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:25 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Get to a lawyer, even if it's one who advertises on the side of a bus TODAY. You need to lock her out of the finances.

Her boyfriend is divorced (otherwise she wouldn't be pushing all of her chips in the middle of the table) and he is using his experiences to coach her to delay for a more favorable divorce.

Get angry. When she was banging on the door to get in last night she had just had sex with him. Get angry. Get angry. You need the anger to get your a$$ to the lawyers today.

----
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post #157 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 06:35 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

ddude23 : Actually in many states, you CAN keep her out of the home. The police will not want to deal with it.

As someone stated, she has a 4month head start. *WE ALL* know what you are going through. I went through this crap a year ago. Nothing much is as painful as having a cheater.

There are Pros and Cons with going with your sister. A burden is a non-issue. She would have your back more so than another lawyer, but she also has an emotional connection to the situation. If she is NOT a family / divorce lawyer - then DO NOT NOT use her. Ask her for references for another lawyer. Lawyers KNOW other lawyers more than anyone else. They know who is good vs bad.

Your wife is dead. Actually, she is a zombie-wife, an alien who has taken over her brain. She *IS* your enemy. She is out on dates getting laid while you torturing you. You tears are meaningless to her. It totally sucks. You are mourning her death and that of your marriage. It's over. *YOU* will hit the angry phase... go to the gym. Think about the other women there who are in shape that you can date when your head is clear. It'll take a few months. And KNOW THIS... you can be a DAD with a future girlfriend or wife. Another thread was the same - childless cheater... he remarried and recently had a baby. His cheating xWW is barely a thought, and she knows that he is a father.

Start 180.
Get IC. And see a doctor for anti-anxiety meds. Gabapentin is a good non-habit pill. I'd avoid xanax like the plague, it will make you FEEL better, but will crash you hard - can get addicted.
There was another med that I used to take in the mornings, I don't remember 100% - non-habit. - But I think it was Lexapro 10/20mg. A doctor will need to monitor your usage - so don't just go out and buy this stuff.

NO DRINKING ALCOHOL! It's a depressant, it will make THINGS worse!

Keep busy. Gym... never too much gym. Go 1-2 hours a day. Gets you out of the house.
File for divorce. There is no IF or WHEN... do it today. Your sister should be able to help you at least file a TRO to keep her out of YOUR HOME.

I remember when my wife said she was going stay for a couple of months before moving out (the OM didn't have his own place) I left that "meeting" with WTF... 5~10 minutes after I saw her, I sent her a text "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENTER MY HOME! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!" She only had the clothes on her back for 3 or so days. Your wife can go to her OM. Why should she be anywhere near you.

Getting that TRO is a start. Get legal advice... but plan to put her crap in boxes. Then have moves put her crap in a storage room and send her the key or combination to the padlock. (I'd text the padlock combination). Once all of her crap *IS OUT* of the home, she cannot demand the cops to let her live there.

DO THIS TODAY. Don't give her time to regroup. Empty half your bank account / make new one one - etc, whatever you can to protect your money.

Don't do her any favors. She is your walking dead zombie wife. nothing more.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #158 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild,.
Dude, Just. Stop.

What are you doing asking her if she's willing to rebuild? Just minutes ago she was having sex with the guy and you are so desperate and pathetic that you are asking if she will rebuild with you? For God's sake, just stop with the desperation. She can smell it on you a mile away and it stinks, it is wife repellent. Please, find your dignity and stop with the "choose me" dance. If you don't you will loathe yourself later on when this is all over.

And please don't fall for her "we ought to wait before you file for divorce" plan. That is a ploy to use your pathetic desperation to get leverage over you. Now is the time to charge forward and hard with divorce. Stop hoping for her to snap out of it and reconcile with you. You don't know it yet, but you will not want her back. She is defiled, filthy, loathsome. She is not something you will want back.

Very sorry to be blunt and hard with you, but you've got to see through your agony and recognize reality. Best of luck.
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post #159 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:17 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.
No no no no no -- file ASAP.

She wants you to play the "pick me" game and dance around like a puppet while she pulls your strings.

Don't EVER do that.

NOTHING will prove more toxic or eroding to either your sanity or your dignity.

This is nothing more than a play for more time to get as clean an exit (for her) as possible.

NOPE.

"By your own admission, you've not loved me for years. What's the point in counseling? You've made your choice, and it leads to the one path now before us."

If she responds at all, just repeat it back to her.

File ASAP, and start digging to learn all you can about this guy. It's entirely possible that he is indeed married. Think about it... if he were divorced, why wouldn't she have just stayed w/ him? He's either married or separated but still living w/ his wife. Find out for sure.

If, however, he is actually divorced, the only reason she came home was to see you mid-meltdown, and that's just one more reason to be done w/ her.
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post #160 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.
When are you going to put your big boy britches on sir? She is running the Dean Smith four corner on you. The stall, The first thing you need to do is see a lawyer and file and learn your rights. Second, secure your money. Thirdly, get her out of the house if possible.

Did you toss the garbage bags on your lawn? If you are awake and reading this, I would suggest doing so now.

Tell her she is dead to you.

Channel your efforts into you. Get yourself into IC. I get from your posts you likely have self esteem issues.

I wish you nothing but the best going forward. Strength sir. You have it. Use it.

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post #161 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

OP look buddy that woman that used to be your wife is gone forever. She is now your enemy. She straight up told you that her relationship with OM is physical. She is Fvcking him and that she's in love with him. She fired you.! You have been replaced by her new POSOM. She is carrying his seed inside her right now... stand up for yourself.! She needs to face some consequences. Do not engage with her. Detach your self from her. Apply the 180. You seriously need to Come to terms with the fact that your marriage is gone! She is not your wife anymore and please file for Divorce.!!!

The first consequence she needs the face is divorce. By not taking any action you look weak to her and that is so unattractive. Do not do the pick me dance. Do not plead or a beg for her to come back. Separate yourself from this evil woman that does not care about you or show any remorse...

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"

Last edited by Sparta; 03-17-2017 at 08:09 AM.
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post #162 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
NO - you are not disposable. Your STBXW is broken, not you!

And the way you feel about work is normal. I know what you mean and felt the same way. I felt like anything i did i would break, anything at work i would mess up and get fired. Understand that its not true. You have to as soon as possible figure out how to separate this from work because you need your job more than ever! dont loose that. Tell you boss whats going on, they will understand and more than likely give a little slack. In time you will be yourself again.
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post #163 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.
She knows there's no chance. None.

She's just toying with you. Accept she's gone and move on.

Don't grovel for her..

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #164 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

She told you it was physical to hurt you and make you quit holding onto any hope. Most all women assume a man would have nothing to do with a woman that cheated on him and rubbed it in his face.

Get a copy of the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. You do not understand the real man woman dynamic. Her boyfriend takes what he wants and you are sitting around crying. NEVER let her see you cry again. Say nothing to her . Do not answer her call for any thing. She fired you. Do not answer her texts. File asap.
None of this adds up. She didn't cut you off or change your sex life. He hasn't asked her to move in. She doesn't know it but he just wants her for a fling. The pretty, naive dance teacher. What a pair. How do you know he's really divorced. Give his name to your sister nad have him investigated. He's lying to her and she's lying to you.

I'm guessing you make much more money than her. They both may be playing you. Ask your sister if you can put his name in the divorce filing.
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post #165 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Disagree completely. Expose like a man or woman of character and you'll never have to hang your head in shame because you were too much of a coward to sign your name to your actions.

Can't believe some of the gutless crap I've read around here these days. Damned disgusting.
Not gutless, but if she loses her business over her husband exposing this, guess who she will sue when she needs money because her business is failing? And she likely would win the case. Don't rule your whole life with your emotions because it just might cost ya.
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