World has been turned upside down in a day. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Unless you don't have any self respect..
While your whole post was somewhat helpful, this is the last thing he wants to hear at this moment. Be nice!

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post #17 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:47 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

And since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure usually stops them in their tracks.
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post #18 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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And since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure usually stops them in their tracks.
The secrecy aspect of it feeds the fantasy as well. They live in a little world they have created where there is no stress of having to work through any problems. It's a secret little fantasy world. Crash that world! Knock it down. lol

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post #19 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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While your whole post was somewhat helpful, this is the last thing he wants to hear at this moment. Be nice!
It may not be what he wants to hear, but it's exactly what he needs to hear.

The worst mistake a BS can make is to shield them from the consequences of their decisions out of fear of losing them. It's counter intuitive to be sure, but it's it's been proven to be true way too many times to be discounted.

Expose her, and especially to his wife......assuming they're still married.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -Mark Twain

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey and smoother than oil is her speech. -Proverbs 5:3
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post #20 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:13 PM
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Expose it!!!

I would let her go. Kick her out until she makes her decision. And then make her work her butt off for reconciliation. Don't let her move back in until you have fully reconciled.

Love must be tough... this situation makes me think of this book. Look it up.
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post #21 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:14 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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While your whole post was somewhat helpful, this is the last thing he wants to hear at this moment. Be nice!
Ha!

Not sure where you intended to land when you found this place, but you missed your mark by a pretty wide berth.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

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post #22 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

ddude23, read your situation. The other posters have given you good advice, but I'll stress that you make an appointment with a Dr. and get a prescription for antidepressants. You are only on the beginning of a very long ride with very low lows. I wish I had done it sooner when my H had an affair. It helps even out your emotions, but doesn't numb you. If you find you can't sleep, ask for a sleep-aid that doesn't make you groggy the next day. That combination does wonders to at least help you have a normal day/night cycle, and let your mind rest so you can face the problems that will inevitably face you in this situation.

Your wife has already chosen what she wants to do. Now it is your turn: either she stops seeing him immediately, with a no-contact letter, or she moves out.


Do not overlook the advice to let the other man's wife know what he has been up to while dropping off their daughter at dance class. It is not for vengeance, but to help end the affair, and help burst their fairy-tale bubble to bring them back to real life.

Last edited by IMFarAboveRubies; 03-15-2017 at 09:21 PM.
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post #23 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

ddude23

Let me first say I am not saying to be violent, but it's time you go to dance class. When the OM arrives gently but firmly step between him and his daughter. Look him in the eye and quietly tell him to tell his daughter to continue on. Have a small but very firm chat with him that you will destroy his world legally if he continues contact with your wife. Tell him that rumors have been spreading about him and your wife amongst other parents. You are simply trying to protect your wife's reputation and it would be a shame if this somehow exploded to his family and employer. Tell him if it hits his family and employer it will also hit yours which is what you are protecting. If he says he doesn't know anything of what you are saying, tell him you sure hope so, but wouldn't bet on it.

Then tell your wife she decides now, no contact or its divorce. You must be willing to lose your marriage to save it. If she says she can't lose OM then she moves out NOW. With your days off work file for divorce. You can stop it at any time you decide. Have your wife served at work, tell her parents she is having an affair. Only shock and awe will bring her to rational thinking.

The other part is I would be at every dance class she has where OM's daughter is attending. Just tell OM to go ahead and discuss whatever it is that's bothering him with you present. Don't give that bastard one ounce of breathing room. At the same time don't give your wife any breathing room either. You are in a war ddude23, best you start to act like you are in one.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #24 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cbnero View Post

Unless you don't have any self respect..
While your whole post was somewhat helpful, this is the last thing he wants to hear at this moment. Be nice!
I am being nice. Plenty of people on here to quiz him about his feelings, her feelings, status of their marriage, etc... if that's what he wants. By that time his world will be exploding all around him. That's not my style. Doesn't mean I'm right but it doesn't mean I'm wrong either.

If he wants to save himself and maybe his marriage, then he needs to see through the bullcrap she is feeding him and get his mind right. HE is the victim here.

I don't know that tossing her crap in the yard is the way to go. But it's the right mindset. He is holding all the cards right now. Not her. Why does she need time to think? What about OP feelings? If he caves to that crap now he'll be eating it the rest of his days. He NEEDS self respect to survive this. Wake up OP!
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post #25 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Someone mentioned getting soup and eating. It has completely passed my mind that I have not eaten anything today. I just ate something 20 minutes ago. She has told me the other guy is divorced, do not know if that is true or not. This truly was a punch to the gut I was not expecting. Good marriage. My head hurts so unbelievably bad. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I have been reading about all of this stuff. Not to beg and cry. Yesterday I was doing enough of that.

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post #26 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:41 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Honestly, if you are planning to save this marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. Take stock of your life with her and seriously consider what your life will be without her. Come to the realization that you can not only live without her, but you can THRIVE without her. Once you do that, you can really start to address this.

Women see weak men like a wolf sees a wounded fawn. Once you come to terms with losing her, put your damn foot down and tell her to cut contact or she moves out and starts the D process. There is no negotiating this and there is no waffling. No contact with him, or no contact with you. She has to choose right now or you will assume she chooses him and she can start packing that very night.

Oh, and it's only emotional? Yeah right...

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post #27 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Someone mentioned getting soup and eating. It has completely passed my mind that I have not eaten anything today. I just ate something 20 minutes ago. She has told me the other guy is divorced, do not know if that is true or not. This truly was a punch to the gut I was not expecting. Good marriage. My head hurts so unbelievably bad. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I have been reading about all of this stuff. Not to beg and cry. Yesterday I was doing enough of that.
This is all pretty standard. Make sure you think about eating. Normally your body tells you, but at least for a while you will have to make a point to eat at certain times.

As far as your previous begging and crying, it's okay. That part is over now. Make her sleep out of your bedroom so you can be alone and cry without her hearing you. Get yourself together when you are around her. You don't have to talk to her at all once you give her the ultimatum.

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post #28 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Hi. Sorry you had your find us, but I am glad you found us.

Counselling is a good idea but rarely works if one person is in an affair.

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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #29 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
Someone mentioned getting soup and eating. It has completely passed my mind that I have not eaten anything today. I just ate something 20 minutes ago. She has told me the other guy is divorced, do not know if that is true or not. This truly was a punch to the gut I was not expecting. Good marriage. My head hurts so unbelievably bad. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I have been reading about all of this stuff. Not to beg and cry. Yesterday I was doing enough of that.
If you read many of the other posts here - aside from maybe feeling depressed - you will see an underlying theme... being nice does not work. That's not saying to yell or be abusive towards her. Only to respect yourself first and foremost.

When I went through it I did everything wrong. Everything. I didn't find TAM until too late. As soon as I started disconnecting and standing up for myself and not letting her control my life she started freaking out, wanting to talk, etc... at that time I had seen enough to know I didn't want her back. Not as a friend, lover, wife, etc... I just shut that door mentally. But it wasn't until I realized I was in control of my future and decisions and what I was okay/not okay with that she decided she wanted back in.

I don't know what the truth is with her affair. I know I wouldn't trust her to tell you. And I wouldn't confront OM either. Part of disconnecting is not caring. But I would probably check the online civil records to see if he is still married and if so I'd expose him to his wife in a heartbeat.

And go see a divorce lawyer tomorrow and don't tell you unfaithful wife. Stay on TAM.
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post #30 of 504 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:03 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Hey man, it's going to take a few days for you to start seeing straight again. Take care of yourself and forget about your wife for the time.

Focus on you and pull yourself together. Get your feet back underneath you. If you want any chance at saving your marriage, it's time to be a man. If you let this beat you down, you will lose your wife. Pull yourself together.

The best way to do this is to find your anger, feed off it. Do not lose control and go off the handle with her. Stay calm and be clear with her.

She stops seeing the OM now. If not she can leave.

If she wants counseling, she stops seeing OM now. If not, no counseling and she can leave.

She is not to carry on in the affair and stay at the home. That is her basically flipping you off.

The only way she stays to work on the marriage is if she stops seeing the OM in any form. No more dance class for his kid.

If you don't pull yourself together and put you foot down, you will lose this.
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