World has been turned upside down in a day. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 1604Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 622
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.
I can tell you from experience and years of hindsight that you need to crush her notion that she has the ability to jerk you around by "deciding what she wants." A good way to do this is to swiftly and decisively blindside her with divorce papers. Be aware that she has already had sex with the guy and if you beg, plead and act weak it will just give you self loathing in the future when you will realize that you wouldn't have wanted her back anyway. BTDT

If per chance, it turns out you are one of the exceptional lucky ones who's marriage can be saved, you can always drop the divorce proceedings.

commonsenseisn't is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 43
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

She has said it has not become physical in any sense. I'm told their relationship was strictly bound to texting or snap chatting. She has said she has developed "feelings". I'm not sure how this even started, I've feel like I have been hit by a freight train. No signs of unhappiness from her. For some reason I believe her... I don't know if I'm in denial about my wife with another man or what...
ddude23 is offline  
post #33 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:19 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,147
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
She has said it has not become physical in any sense. I'm told their relationship was strictly bound to texting or snap chatting. She has said she has developed "feelings". I'm not sure how this even started, I've feel like I have been hit by a freight train. No signs of unhappiness from her.
She's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
 
post #34 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:24 PM
Forum Supporter
 
TX-SC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,618
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
She's lying.
Yes, she is.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
TX-SC is offline  
post #35 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,004
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Mandatory reading. Looks like you bought a lemon. I posted this exact thing yesterday to a guy who had the same situation. This stuff all follows the same pattern. It seems to be human nature, unfortunately. Seems like now a days many people are not mature and honorable enough to have long term relationships. Loyalty seems to be lost of many people.

You are going to have to get very strong very quick, if you want to go through this with any success. If it was me I would just cut my losses. People like your wife are just not worth the effort. Do you really want to waste your time on someone so disloyal?

At the very least have her served. She needs consequences. But it may be that she is just broken. Most are.

Got to be honest here, the healthy reaction when your wife tells you this is to throw her out. That fact that you didn't do that shows why she was able to even think about doing this to you. I have to assume you have already established patterns in your relationship that shows you are willing to put up with her abuse. You need to change this and change it fast.

It's been months of her ****ting on you and everything you built with her. Why would you want to be someones consolation prize.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-15-2017 at 10:50 PM.
sokillme is online now  
post #36 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:33 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,887
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Ddude, I want to impart a very simple philosophy for you to follow.

But first, yes, this sucks. It turns your whole world upside down. You didn't realize it, but you unwittingly entered the ring and have been dealt a potential knockout blow...by the one person in this world who was supposed to have your back. So...you can lay down, close your eyes, and wish for the whole thing to be over...Or you can drink a big glass of **** it, get back on your feet, and actually fight back.

Should you choose the latter, your approach should be this simple:

"Wife, you have broken our vows. I don't want to lose you, but what I want even less is to share you. I will not be a victim of infidelity. If you can't decide, then I will make the choice to leave you. I will file for divorce on X day, and will move on."

Then find out who the OM is. Don't believe a word she tells you about his marital status, or anything she says for that matter. Expose the affair to family and friends. Expose to the OM's family if he has one.

Blow...This...Thing...Up.

Oh, and Ddude? You can bank on the fact that it went physical.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #37 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:39 PM
Member
 
Graywolf2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 866
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
My wife confessed something informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.
Let me get this straight. Just talking to this guy has her to the point that she can’t decide between the great life you have with her and the OM? He must be quite a talker.
She has seen how miserable you have been for four months and can’t decide between the two of you? She must love you very much.

She has you for security and the OM for excitement. Why would she ever give that up if she wasn’t forced to? The OM is single. The best way to keep her is to tell her that the OM can have her.
Graywolf2 is offline  
post #38 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 10:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 622
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
For some reason I believe her... I don't know if I'm in denial about my wife with another man or what...
Why in the world would you believe a known cheater? By definition a cheater is dishonest. Dishonesty and lying are hallmarks of cheating. Get this through your head. It's a harsh reality and the sooner you wrap your mind and heart around this fact the sooner you will be able to get more control of your life. Ignore these facts at your peril.

Also, just because she "supposedly" hasn't committed physical cheating yet, it doesn't minimize the fact that emotional cheating is very serious, especially for a woman. It's serious enough that many of us who have grappled with this hell have determined that in the future we would enact an immediate divorce if our spouse "only" emotionally cheated.

Sorry to be blunt, but I've learned that when in this situation it is far preferable to deal in the currency of fact and reality instead of false doctrine. Good luck.
commonsenseisn't is offline  
post #39 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:10 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 159
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Ddude, I want to impart a very simple philosophy for you to follow.

But first, yes, this sucks. It turns your whole world upside down. You didn't realize it, but you unwittingly entered the ring and have been dealt a potential knockout blow...by the one person in this world who was supposed to have your back. So...you can lay down, close your eyes, and wish for the whole thing to be over...Or you can drink a big glass of **** it, get back on your feet, and actually fight back.

Should you choose the latter, your approach should be this simple:

"Wife, you have broken our vows. I don't want to lose you, but what I want even less is to share you. I will not be a victim of infidelity. If you can't decide, then I will make the choice to leave you. I will file for divorce on X day, and will move on."

Then find out who the OM is. Don't believe a word she tells you about his marital status, or anything she says for that matter. Expose the affair to family and friends. Expose to the OM's family if he has one.

Blow...This...Thing...Up.

Oh, and Ddude? You can bank on the fact that it went physical.
Ddude - You've been given great advice here. I hope you don't spin your wheels. There is an old saying that you must be willing to lose your marriage to save it,
Archangel2 is offline  
post #40 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:11 PM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 644
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

After my first fiancee and then the girlfriend after her, cheated on me, I stopped trying to be Mr. Nice Guy and let the female have her way. I am a very alpha male who thought that women felt that alpha males were dumb jocks or jerks. Once I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't, I had a lot of girlfriends who never cheated on me. I am married 44 years. One day my wife told me that she had feelings for someone else. I was expecting it to be a guy but it was a woman. She said that she only fantasizes about women and in particular, her best friend. She also said that she was conflicted and did not want to cheat. We found a solution that would not work if she had feelings for another guy. Long story short, we shared her girlfriend for most of our marriage.

We got a double whammy on the sterile side. Both of us are sterile so we never had kids. We do not mind because we had a lot of extra time and money to spoil ourselves and have a great lifestyle. From what we saw, having a kid sometimes drastically changes the relationship between husband and wife. You cannot miss what you never had.

The problem is that our emotions are governed by our brain and we feel what we feel due to a release of feel good hormones. No one knows why we are attracted to certain people and not others but once it happens, you cannot will the feelings to go away. They are either there or not. Even if your wife stops seeing the guy, her feelings will linger and perhaps make her unhappy in her marriage. You are in a difficult situation and perhaps she feels that she cannot share her emotions with you, which is why she feels that she has to go to someone else.

Men know that guys will do whatever it takes to have sex with a woman, even lending a sympathetic ear. So you have a real problem on your hands that you have to handle or let it play out. The problem with feelings is that it makes you overlook the other person's faults and only see the good. You want to be with that person as much as possible even if it means hurting someone else. That is why your wife is conflicted. Perhaps you are like me and not a very emotional person. That is one big reason why my wife needs a woman in her life. I am very logical and think with my brain. My wife thinks with her heart which I think is illogical. The fact that your wife told you can mean two things. She could truly be conflicted and hope that by telling you, you will do something to stop her from having feelings for the other guy. You might suggest that she teaches dance for another company because things are not going to get better as long as she keeps seeing that guy.

The other thing could be is that she is letting you down easy so when she leaves you, it is not a big surprise and shock. I know how your wife feels because I once fell in love with one of the women I dated during my marriage. We obviously were nonmonogamous. I did not even like the other women much but I fell in love with her and could not stay away from her. I left my wife for a month until I came to my senses but even then, my love did not just go away because I wanted it to. The final solution for us was to move away and we did. That solved the problem. I got a job in another city as did my wife. We moved around a lot anyway for my business but this was one of two relocations we did to solve a problem in our marriage.

People do get addicted to other people and even though they know the sever consequences, will continue to see that other person. I know it first hand and have seen it with others. I wish you luck and perhaps you can examine your relationship and find a way to fix this problem.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #41 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 871
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

DDude,

I'm late to this unfortunate party, and you have gotten some good advice, which you really do not want to listen to. Not unusual at all. You are playing what is called the "pick me game", and you are in big time denial.

Now maybe Im not being nice, but I am trying to help you. Your wife is CHEATING on you, and after 4 months of sexting and texting you can bet your 401K that if he is dovirced as she says that she has hooked up with him, probably more than once. You sure she is teaching dancing all tghe time? Any times shes arriving home late of "going out with girlfriends???

Now you can sit there and let her basically continue to tell you that she is going to continue with this OM until she decides what she wants, OR you can do something to knock her ass off the fence and get some truthful information. Should you choose the first option, all the guys and gals here will still support you when you find out she is banging this guy regularly and that you feel foolish for not making any attempt to intervene. Like I said, the "pick me game" does not work out well for you.

So far , maybe I missed it, she has NOT committed not have you demanded she stop doing whatever she says she is doing with this OM. Apparently, she has told you that until she makes up her mind you are in an open marriage not of your choosing. Does that sound like fun?? If not, keep reading.

(1) get a VAR and put it in her car. The tech experts here will tell you exactly what to buy and how to use it. You will find out in less than a few days what they are saying ( unfortunately for you in great detail but the truth), who else knows ( probably at least one of her girlfriends), and what she has told him now that she is caught. Most likely that they now have to go underground and be more careful. That is because so far you have not imposed any consequences at all so while you are at work tomorrow she will be texting him.
(2) get to an attorney and find out what your rights are. That does not mean you are getting immediately divorced.
(3) tell her that YOU are not sharing your wife and that she is not keeping you in limbo while she explores her feelings. By the way, what does exploring her feeling mean. It means she is going to keep banging him and if it does not work out you will be waiting in her mind. Until she believes that that is not an option, she will not stop.
(4) if you go to the dance studio, bring a witness. You do not want to wind up in jail. Personally, your wife is your problem and I would not go there. He just wants to get laid, and she is the willing participant.
(5) She has told you she has not been physical with him. That is most likely a lie. You tell her that you do not believe her and that she can take a polygraph to prove that if she wants to stay married. She will refuse that immediately, get mad, and that will give you your answer as to it not being physical.

And lastly, you DO NOT go to therapy with an ACTIVE cheater, which is what she is now and if you believe a word of what she is telling you, you will be on this forum a long long time. And you do not send her to IC for her problem. The chances are she will be told not to give you the truth because it will "hurt" you more, and she will most likely give the therapist her version of your marriage. YOU ONLY DO THERAPY WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE COMPLETE TRUTH, which you do not.

You option is to ignore all of the above, and if you do that, good luck. You may need it.
straightshooter is offline  
post #42 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,601
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Did YOU two go for 4+ months without sex when you were first dating?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #43 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,250
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockon View Post
Did you ask her why the sudden confession?
Because it's physical and she feels guilty. She wants him to file so she's not the bad guy.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #44 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:46 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,147
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockon View Post
Did you ask her why the sudden confession?
A little lie to conceal a larger one.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #45 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:52 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,958
Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

All great advice here,

Does OM have a wife or GF, inform them asap so that he is busy doing damage control over that end
Let cheating wife know that you will not sit around waiting for her to choose the marriage or OM, she ends it now or she moves out
Tell family and friends, rely on a sibling or close friend for emotional support. Do not hide what is happening, exposure is the best thing moving forward, as it holds her accountable
Go to the gym, get good rest and diet, good sleep as far as possible, take care of you
Go see a lawyer and see what they say
Do 180 on your wife, no begging, pleading, crying, act cool and controlled, (cry in private). Go out as much as possible, only engage on non relationship issues. Let her have what she wants and act accordingly
aine is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
First Post - Need help, *long Post* MrW General Relationship Discussion 92 10-12-2016 02:19 PM
The Day and Night Guy that Doesn't Talk? musicdiva General Relationship Discussion 67 07-05-2016 06:03 PM
Plz help me get my wife's heart back! Sylan0610 General Relationship Discussion 28 06-24-2016 10:43 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome