World has been turned upside down in a day. - Page 41 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #601 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:09 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by CantBelieveThis View Post
People always assume they can give AP a good beating, when in reality is a 50/50 chance, BS gets the ass beating instead, or shot dead....goes both ways guys.....


Physical responses are only an option. I'm much more the type of guy who would understand what makes a guy tick - and focus on that. Car, wife, job, money, respect, etc. Put that in jeopardy. Plus the action isn't the thing - it's the possibility and threat of it that provides the most payback.

As lonely husband pointed out when he ran into the OM at a gas station (if memory serves) - the guy knows LH knows and is out there - LH made a lightly veiled threat - so the OM now is looking over his shoulder...


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post #602 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 08:35 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

How's is going ddude?

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post #603 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Physical responses are only an option. I'm much more the type of guy who would understand what makes a guy tick - and focus on that. Car, wife, job, money, respect, etc. Put that in jeopardy. Plus the action isn't the thing - it's the possibility and threat of it that provides the most payback.

As lonely husband pointed out when he ran into the OM at a gas station (if memory serves) - the guy knows LH knows and is out there - LH omade a lightly veiled threat - so the OM now is looking over his shoulder...


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TH I told POSOM that I would obtain my revenge I said succinctly " remember it is not IF, but when".
Dude23, I would offer you same advice. Mess with POSOMs psyche as well as POSStbxw. You will enjoy it.

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #604 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 08:20 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by CantBelieveThis View Post
That so effed up I don't even know what to say.....there has to be some justice for that poor BH....somewhere, somehow

My W xAP was a convicted felon out on bond for armed robbery, thou she didn't know this during her month long A.
I decided not to pursue him in a confrontation, after all he did send me text messages about going NC with my W and did apologize, said he felt horrible and that I should give her a chance. LOL, wat a nice guy for someone that hit a 7/11 to steal a few bucks.....
Wow.
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post #605 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Possibly ... and maybe I'm being naive considering what each of us has experienced, but I still hold onto and place value in concepts like right, wrong, honor, integrity, etc. Now clearly, not everyone else does, which doesn't mean for those of us that do, there may be worse things than an "ass beating" ... like not being able to look at yourself in the mirror. A lot depends on the personalities and the circumstances.

However, what you say is definitely true. I can think of a several IRL scenarios in my small town where the BH physically confronted the OM, and in only one of those cases did the OM prevail, but that one did cost the BH his life and the OM was never charged ... justifiable homicide. The moral of that story is don't give the OM a head's up you're coming to kick his ass, and then show up, kick in his door armed only with a baseball bat, when OM was in his own home and armed with a shotgun.
Them I'm sure he didn't stay with his cheating wife right? I love it when people say I believe in concepts of right and wrong, honor, and then proceed to stay with the person who made a vow to them broke it while at the same time wanting to kill the AP. Sorry no you don't. What the wife did is a lot worse.

This guy still holds onto and place value in concepts like right, wrong, honor, integrity, etc.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-20-2017 at 10:28 PM.
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post #606 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Them I'm sure he didn't stay with his cheating wife right? I love it when people say I believe in concepts of right and wrong, honor, and then proceed to stay with the person who made a vow to them broke it while at the same time wanting to kill the AP. Sorry no you don't. What the wife did is a lot worse.

This guy still holds onto and place value in concepts like right, wrong, honor, integrity, etc.
Yanno ... I used to generally agree with your perspective, but your style has gotten progressively more antagonistic and your position less defensible. You are now coming across as more of a "know it all", when in fact, you have little if any first hand point of reference to support your one dimensional POV.

Even though I am in R, I routinely advocate that D is the proper response to an A in most, but not necessarily all, cases and I do feel that my particular fact set and circumstances fits within that criteria. I'll also make note (that you are likely unaware of) that I was cheated on in a previous M and proceeded straight to D and never looked back, but that was with a completely different WW, with a completely different set of circumstances. However, just because I made a different choice this time, in NO WAY is indicative of the "wrongness" of that choice or negatively affects my own honor. How exactly is a BH that decides to R acting dishonorably? As long as he's able to look himself in the mirror and not feel shame, then I contend, his honor remains intact.

I'm guessing that I'm quite a bit older and have more life experiences than you, and I've learned that you simply can't put individual people in "all or never" categories. You seem to have all the stark black and white answers, while my life experiences tend to color my world in varying shades of grey. I remember when I was about 30 having a conversation with my Dad, where I told him (tongue in cheek) how much smarter he'd gotten in the last 10 years. I had finally reached the age/maturity of not knowing everything. Hopefully, at some point, you'll have a similar epiphany.

In addition, regarding the Space Ghost link ... it is widely speculated that Space Ghost was a troll and if, in fact, that is the case, there would definitely be no honor in that.
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post #607 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

I am a man who places value in right, wrong, and honor. My wife who had an affair, lost the value of right, wrong, and honor. My wife's affair did not decrease the value I hold in any of these three. In fact my wife's affair has no bearing on any of these three. My wife's affair was on her, her as a human being, which certainly has no affect on my honor. My decision to reconcile was made based upon what was best for me, period. My honor, in my opinion, is not affected by my wife's affair. Instead my honor remains the same, as do my values.

Beliefs I had lost, but at no time did my value of right or wrong decrease. With my job, I have seen many people lose their honor or value of right and wrong. If a man loses his job and his wife and kids are home starving, is it wrong if he steals a loaf of bread? Yes, it is wrong regardless of your reason. But if that man were one who had value in right, wrong, and honor, he will be a lessened man regardless if caught or punished for his crime. Does stealing a loaf of bread compare in any way to infidelity? No, not in the least, it is a much less act then infidelity, but if shows what a wayward may feel when they are truly remorseful. They know they have lessened themselves, they will be affected, but in no way does their actions and choices bear any semblance to the betrayeds values in right, wrong, or honor.

I'm reminded of the time my therapist told me that those who think in black and white are in some way wounded. That black and white thinking is a form of protection. @sokillme, you have been wounded in your life, understandably, and in some ways you may carry some of that pain with you. With respect for you I am saying, that while you have been hurt the scar is still there and possibly painful still at times. And while I have and agree with most of your posts, I think in some ways you are still healing yourself. I wish you nothing but the best.

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post #608 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
Yanno ... I used to generally agree with your perspective, but your style has gotten progressively more antagonistic and your position less defensible. You are now coming across as more of a "know it all", when in fact, you have little if any first hand point of reference to support your one dimensional POV.

Even though I am in R, I routinely advocate that D is the proper response to an A in most, but not necessarily all, cases and I do feel that my particular fact set and circumstances fits within that criteria. I'll also make note (that you are likely unaware of) that I was cheated on in a previous M and proceeded straight to D and never looked back, but that was with a completely different WW, with a completely different set of circumstances. However, just because I made a different choice this time, in NO WAY is indicative of the "wrongness" of that choice or negatively affects my own honor. How exactly is a BH that decides to R acting dishonorably? As long as he's able to look himself in the mirror and not feel shame, then I contend, his honor remains intact.

I'm guessing that I'm quite a bit older and have more life experiences than you, and I've learned that you simply can't put individual people in "all or never" categories. You seem to have all the stark black and white answers, while my life experiences tend to color my world in varying shades of grey. I remember when I was about 30 having a conversation with my Dad, where I told him (tongue in cheek) how much smarter he'd gotten in the last 10 years. I had finally reached the age/maturity of not knowing everything. Hopefully, at some point, you'll have a similar epiphany.

In addition, regarding the Space Ghost link ... it is widely speculated that Space Ghost was a troll and if, in fact, that is the case, there would definitely be no honor in that.
My point was, don't advocate for going and beating up or even more so killing the AP and act like that is an honorably thing and about right and wrong. It's really just about revenge. If you really feel that way about punishing right and wrong then how can you stay with your WS. What they did was just as wrong if not more so.

That was my only point. I see lots of BS put all of the anger they have for the affair on the AP and to me that is a form of rug sweeping and doesn't lead to healing. One of the most important things for healing is having clarity that your WS was much more responsible to your well being then the AP.

If all you care about is right and wrong then you wouldn't have stayed.

Personally I think there can be great honor in staying for the right reasons. I think I called someone here on this thread who stayed honorable. I believe I have called you DO honorable.

HOWEVER, I can see how my title of the link could be insulting. I apologize. Maybe I should have said -

"If all you care about is write and wrong and justice then you should act like this guy, not go beat up the AP".

Again I am sorry if that seemed insulting.

Frankly I don't think you should care about justice if you R, because you will not get any. I don't think any of you would deny that. But the truth is there isn't any justice if you go. Life is unjust.

Besides all that I am not sure if I posted this before or after Qualty started posting stuff about me and my wife's sex life last night, but I was pissed at that point. Meacolpa.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-21-2017 at 02:59 PM.
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post #609 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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My point was, don't advocate for going and beating up or even more so killing the AP and act like that is an honorably thing and about right and wrong. It's really just about revenge. If you really feel that way about punishing right and wrong then how can you stay with your WS. What they did was just as wrong if not more so.

That was my only point. I see lots of BS put all of the anger they have for the affair on the AP and to me that is a form of rug sweeping and doesn't lead to healing. One of the most important things for healing is having clarity that your WS was much more responsible to your well being then the AP.

If all you care about is right and wrong then you wouldn't have stayed.
Originally, I had a long response typed out, but then I read your post again (or at least what it was before you modified it), and deleted it. It became apparent, especially with your last sentence, that your purpose is not to offer advice/input, but to bait others into an argument based on nothing but your own twisted pretzel logic.

From my perspective, your views on this subject are not credible. You'll need to walk in the shoes of another, before you have the right to tell him how much his feet hurt.
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post #610 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
Originally, I had a long response typed out, but then I read your post again (or at least what it was before you modified it), and deleted it. It became apparent, especially with your last sentence, that your purpose is not to offer advice/input, but to bait others into an argument based on nothing but your own twisted pretzel logic.

From my perspective, your views on this subject are not credible. You'll need to walk in the shoes of another, before you have the right to tell him how much his feet hurt.
Again I never said staying with the person is dishonorable the only time it is dishonorable is if you are continuously being abused. However staying with the person and going and killing the AP is sure as hell dishonorable. How is that pretzel logic?

If your perspective is you can only be honorable if you punish the wrongdoer which is how this quote sounds like to me.

Quote:
and maybe I'm being naive considering what each of us has experienced, but I still hold onto and place value in concepts like right, wrong, honor, integrity, etc. Now clearly, not everyone else does, which doesn't mean for those of us that do, there may be worse things than an "ass beating" ... like not being able to look at yourself in the mirror. A lot depends on the personalities and the circumstances.
then how can you still be married to someone who cheated on you? If you want to go beat the guys ass to get revenge then go for it, but this seems like a disconnect to me. Maybe I read your quote wrong. Again my post didn't say that in the most artful way. I agree.

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post #611 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

I did want to hurt the other man, I did wish for something bad to happen to him. But me thinking about him or looking for revenge allows me to stay in this situation I just want to get away from forever. I have days where I'm happy, and days were I'm a complete wreck. Thankfully I have gotten to the point to if the cheating ***** told me she wanted me back I would say no. She gave me some of my best memories, but also some of my worst. I find getting to this point a big step in my recovery. Up until a week ago I probably would of taken her back honestly.
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post #612 of 612 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:51 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Thankfully I have gotten to the point to if the cheating ***** told me she wanted me back I would say no. She gave me some of my best memories, but also some of my worst. I find getting to this point a big step in my recovery. Up until a week ago I probably would of taken her back honestly.
I can attest that this is a milestone in your life and you are now turning a corner toward a better path of happiness. Remember it's a process, not an event. Also sometimes you will regress a little on your path, but you'll get there. Good luck.
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