World has been turned upside down in a day. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:10 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

You should go to counseling, but not with her. Go by yourself so you can figure out how you want to proceed and handle the situation. I went to one counseling session with my XWW, and the only topic I was willing to discuss was how to break the divorce to our kids and what to do to be able to co-parent together. Now my situation was she had a full blown PA, so I tossed her out without any attempt to reconcile.

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post #62 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

If you do walk out of the counseling session due to blame shifting, make sure you are not angry or emotional when you do so.

Look at the counselor and say:

"It is unfortunate that my wife has called me in here to justify why it was okay for her to open herself emotionally and sexually with another man. I will not live in infidelity. She either immediately breaks contact 100%, permanently, forever, with the other man, and takes steps to show she can be a trustworthy partner again, or the marriage ends. This is not a negotiation. Every day that passes in which she continues in her affair reduces the likelihood of my forgiveness."

Draw your line in the sand. Hold that line; no wiggling, no excuses, no gaslighting, no blameshifting. If she will not agree to that, you consult an attorney, file for divorce, and have her served at her place of employment as that is where the affair occurred.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #63 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:25 AM
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Your mantra for the day is "Strength " repeat this to yourself over and over. Build yourself up mentally. You have been provided solid and consistent advice. You know what you have to do. Best to you in this **** storm.
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post #64 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:30 AM
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Farside. That is some solid advice sir.
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post #65 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Some folks here are giving you advice on how to save your marriage. Unfortunately, that ball really is not in your court. The only thing you are in control of is yourself and what you decide to do. She has made it clear that you are not her number one choice anymore - that at best you're second fiddle. Does it not make you extremely angry that your wife is saying "well, I think I love someone else, and I need time to decide whether I'm going to dump you and go with this guy that I have serious feelings for - or maybe, just maybe, I'll change my mind and pick you". Do you realize what she thinks of you and your marriage? Not much. She's said, in so many words, you don't mean jack **** to her.

I'm sorry, but your wife is having sex with this man. She is a selfish, cruel person who only cares about her own immediate wants and desires. Even if she does you some huge favor and "picks you", she has shown what she is - a cheater who is 100% willing to throw you away like a piece of trash to get what she wants at any particular time. It's not like you can fix this, get her to not have feelings for the other man, come back to you, then everything is A-OK. She's no longer the woman you married. If she doesn't leave you for this man (she already has, actually - she's giving her body and heart to him, not you), she will leave you for the next - or at the very least start up another affair.

This is brutal - we know. We've been there. Your wife is showing you her true colors - the kind of person she really is. This isn't a blip or a mistake. This is who she is - a cheater and a betrayer who doesn't give a **** about you or anyone else - only herself.

I would hope you see this before it's too late, tell her "he's all yours. enjoy your life together", tell his wife (if he's married) and file for divorce. Your wife is a poisonous, toxic person who will burn you to the ground. Save yourself. Trust me. Otherwise things are going to get a whole lot uglier and even more painful for you - hard as that is to fathom.
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post #66 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
I feel like she's going back and forth on what she wants to do. She has not mentioned divorce. She wants to try a counsel session today and see how it goes. I feel like maybe it can't hurt. To get everything out maybe. I'm just not understanding at all. Now I feel stupid for believing her about not being physical. I was looking at our wedding pictures, looking at all texts and notes she's given over the years telling me she loves me. I feel horrible and like my stomach is about to drop.

My sister is a lawyer, a very good one at that and she's in the same town as us. I'm going to give her a call and ask to meet with her. She has always told me if I ever needed anything then to go to her. I feel like I am just going to vent about everything.
It doesn't matter what you have done or not done in your marriage. This affair is 100% not your fault. Honorable, trustworthy people do not have affairs. They act like adults and deal with the issues that are bothering them and they work through it with their spouse. There is absolutely no reason to discuss any marriage issues with your wife until she has stopped being a cheating, lying, dishonorable wife and owns her dysfunction that would cause her to betray you. Until that happens there is nothing to discuss.


If there is any hope for your marriage, you will take the advice you have been given on this thread.
If you go to counseling with her, use the appointment to do what farsidejunky says below. vvvvvv

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
If you do walk out of the counseling session due to blame shifting, make sure you are not angry or emotional when you do so.

Look at the counselor and say:

"It is unfortunate that my wife has called me in here to justify why it was okay for her to open herself emotionally and sexually with another man. I will not live in infidelity. She either immediately breaks contact 100%, permanently, forever, with the other man, and takes steps to show she can be a trustworthy partner again, or the marriage ends. This is not a negotiation. Every day that passes in which she continues in her affair reduces the likelihood of my forgiveness."

Draw your line in the sand. Hold that line; no wiggling, no excuses, no gaslighting, no blameshifting. If she will not agree to that, you consult an attorney, file for divorce, and have her served at her place of employment as that is where the affair occurred.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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post #67 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

You really have to find your Big Boy Pant and pull them up. I was you once. All woes is me. pick me pick me. Ya know what that got me? That got me R (when she wanted it) then another affair 4 years later. I am now D'ing her ass and have finally woken up.

The ONLY thing that will make you feel better is taking control of the situation. Take control and stop letting her have it!

Answer this simple question for your path. answer it truthfully to yourself even if you dont post it.

Suppose your absolute best friend, the guy that would take a bullet for you and visa versa came to you with this story. What would your advice be to him? If you answer that objectively you will know what you have to do.

Listen to these guys on this thread. Your not the first, stories like yours are all the same because cheaters all have the same script. Thats why the veterans here seem to be able to predict the future.. Its all predictable.

Take control of your life back, it will help you feel better. and find your freaking anger. your W is cheating on you. you SHOULD BE PISSED OFF!! I think im angrier from reading your story then you are living it!
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post #68 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
And since affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure usually stops them in their tracks.
I don't get this mentality - forcing an affair to stop doesn't solve the problem. Forcing someone's hand to stop their horrible behavior doesn't make the behavior go away, or make them somehow come around, or stop being a cheater. If you want to burn down an affair for the sake of burning it down - to prevent them from enjoying their devious, cruel, disgusting behavior, by all means. But shutting it down will not solve the problem - which is that your spouse doesn't love you anymore, that they are by nature a liar, cruel, narcissistic, devious, deceitful and willing to do anything to anyone to get what they want, when they want it. Shutting down an affair may kill the affair (probably not), but it will not change the nature of the cheater.
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post #69 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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ddude23, read your situation. The other posters have given you good advice, but I'll stress that you make an appointment with a Dr. and get a prescription for antidepressants. You are only on the beginning of a very long ride with very low lows. I wish I had done it sooner when my H had an affair. It helps even out your emotions, but doesn't numb you. If you find you can't sleep, ask for a sleep-aid that doesn't make you groggy the next day. That combination does wonders to at least help you have a normal day/night cycle, and let your mind rest so you can face the problems that will inevitably face you in this situation.

Your wife has already chosen what she wants to do. Now it is your turn: either she stops seeing him immediately, with a no-contact letter, or she moves out.


Do not overlook the advice to let the other man's wife know what he has been up to while dropping off their daughter at dance class. It is not for vengeance, but to help end the affair, and help burst their fairy-tale bubble to bring them back to real life.
I think giving medical advice (ie telling someone to go on antidepressants when you're not a doctor and certainly aren't capable of diagnosing depression over the internet) is a dangerous game to play.

See your Doctor, by all means - but let them decide if anti-depressants are required. I was on antidepressants during my entire marriage, and got off of them when I left my cheating wife.
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post #70 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

A counseling session is a waste while she is still seeing the OM. It'll be a pity party for her to the the therapist about all the times that you have neglected her. She is in control of this, she has known about it for 4-8 months, you JUST FOUND OUT about it are like the cartoon character who got hit on the head with a frying pan...To "save" anything you need to get it together. Fast.

You will never be able to get inside her head to understand what she wants. All you know is she doesn't want you and is not really concerned about you anymore. So you need to care about you. Don;t be the sad guy, the pick me guy. Most of us do that and it doesn't work.

Do not care about her not mentioning divorce, you can do that. Talk to your sister, she can do the papers over the weekend. Don't **** around. This is real....

I wonder what the school and the dance moms think about the hottie teacher banging the dance dad(s)

Take control, you don;t want to be a passenger on this ride.


Last edited by mickybill; 03-16-2017 at 11:10 AM.
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post #71 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
You should go to counseling, but not with her. Go by yourself so you can figure out how you want to proceed and handle the situation. I went to one counseling session with my XWW, and the only topic I was willing to discuss was how to break the divorce to our kids and what to do to be able to co-parent together. Now my situation was she had a full blown PA, so I tossed her out without any attempt to reconcile.
This is how you do it. Take back your power.

Divorce is painful and awful. Staying with a cheater is worse - if she allows that to happen. The marriage is not yours to save. It's yours to end. She mortally wounded it - it's up to you to put it out of its misery. Sad but true.

I regained my pride and self respect when I ended the false reconciliation with my exww. I still maintain that pride - knowing I had the strength and self respect to say "I am not willing to have someone who would treat me like their worst enemy in my life any longer. Goodbye".
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post #72 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

ddude23

I know the posters here seem harsh, myself included telling you to insert yourself into OM's face. The fact of this is, being nice to her now is weakness. I'm not saying to be mean or cruel, but to say MC won't work. IC won't work for her, she will only lie to her IC anyway.

Here is what I learned, I was in shock, disbelief, devastated, and destroyed. I stood alone surrounded by nothing but smoking ruins of what my world had essentially been at this point in my life. I lost my beliefs, I lost my faith in God, I was truly alone. I attempted suicide, I failed, so it's very important you seek professional help. I'm not saying you will attempt suicide, but I can tell you your thought process is severely affected by your trauma.

First thing you need to do is clear your head. Understand your thoughts are racing and fleeting now. Begin to think what you may decide to do now, but I recommend a big decision needs to wait six months. As I said earlier you need to file for divorce, you can stop this later on if you decide to. Have your wife served at work, this will begin to help the fantasy to crumble. When your wife is at work, move her belongings to a spare room. She is forbidden from the marital bed until she decides she is for your marriage. Begin the 180, you can find this here at TAM.

You need to go to her work, confront OM, get his name and search him through social media accounts such as, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram, and whatever else you find him in. Get to know him well without talking to him after you have confronted him. Tell your wife's parents what is happening, tell them your wife may need support at this time. Tell her family you have filed for divorce, you listed adultery and OM as the reasons for divorce. Be at every dance class OM's daughter attends with your wife as instructor. Do not allow either of them to breathe without you in there faces.

You need to truly show you are content with divorcing and losing this marriage. Do not help or speak to your wife about anything. Separate finances and stop funding whatever you do for her. Talk to your attorney about the legal way to do this. Show her that her world of fantasy is ending now, consequences are now rapidly coming her way. Tell her the divorce is going to be streamlined by you to the fastest conclusion as long as no contact with OM is not continuing.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Last edited by drifting on; 03-16-2017 at 11:03 AM. Reason: Spelling
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post #73 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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She's lying.
I wonder how many times that class has been randomly cancelled over the last four months.
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post #74 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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I don't get this mentality - forcing an affair to stop doesn't solve the problem. Forcing someone's hand to stop their horrible behavior doesn't make the behavior go away, or make them somehow come around, or stop being a cheater. If you want to burn down an affair for the sake of burning it down - to prevent them from enjoying their devious, cruel, disgusting behavior, by all means. But shutting it down will not solve the problem - which is that your spouse doesn't love you anymore, that they are by nature a liar, cruel, narcissistic, devious, deceitful and willing to do anything to anyone to get what they want, when they want it. Shutting down an affair may kill the affair (probably not), but it will not change the nature of the cheater.
Dr. Harley in Surviving an Affair says we're all hard wired to cheat. The solution is to make sure you're not putting yourself in tempting situations. The OP's wife allowed herself to develop feelings for the OM and take it further by allowing personal, private contact via text, which I agree is poor behavior and boundaries. She put herself in this situation. There is still a possibility that she did not have a PA, and that she can prevent this from happening again by learning how to instill appropriate boundaries in the future. This is only if the OP is willing to reconcile with her- he has every right to decide not to, of course. An EA is still cheating.
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post #75 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

dude,

I've not posted to you, but there is one piece of advice that's been offered that I would act upon immediately. For my own self-respect, I would confront the OM in person at the next class, and very calmly, but sternly, inform him that him and his daughter are no longer welcome to participate in your WW's classes and unless he wants things to get real public, he'll pack up their **** and leave NOW and never come back.

I'd deal with my WW later, but right now you need a firm show of strength to both OM and WW.

If I find someone fishing in my pond, my first action is to run him off with a warning to never return ... no matter if my W gave him permission, he's not fishing in my pond. Now some will find that approach quite Neanderthal and possessive, but DAMMIT it was promised to me and only me, and I will defend it against all trespassers. Now after speaking with my WW, I very well may choose to GIVE him my pond, but I will defend it while it is mine.

Time to screw up your self-respect with a good dose of righteous indignation and defend your property against all trespassers.
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