I feel like she's going back and forth on what she wants to do. She has not mentioned divorce. She wants to try a counsel session today and see how it goes. I feel like maybe it can't hurt. To get everything out maybe. I'm just not understanding at all. Now I feel stupid for believing her about not being physical. I was looking at our wedding pictures, looking at all texts and notes she's given over the years telling me she loves me. I feel horrible and like my stomach is about to drop.
Counseling when one is involved in an affair it not typically helpful. If you go, be silent, don't say a word. You will hear a bunch of crap from your wife, DON'T RESPOND. It will more than likely be hateful. You have been warned.
I agree with @Thorburn
. Most counsellors are trained in helping people who want to stay married but need help communicating with each other. Your issue is not (only) lack of communication, but the fact that there is a third person in your marriage. And if your wife thought counselling would have helped your marriage, she would have suggested it long before embarking on an affair.
I did counselling with my cheater ex, who got extremely hateful about the therapist because all his suggestions for us began with "end contact with your affair partner." Turns out all my ex wanted was for the therapist to convince me an open marriage was a good idea. When that didn't happen, my ex refused to keep attending.
A counsellor will, at best, try to find problems with the marriage that both of you contribute to, and at worst, side with your wife that your behaviour drove her to fall for another man, and try to get you to change. Those are not the problems in your marriage. Your marriage problems are that your wife has no integrity.
Your wife needs to fix her own integrity problem with individual counselling before you two attempt marriage counselling. Treat this as an opportunity to observe her individual counselling by not saying much, as @Thorburn
suggests. I would advise seeking private individual counselling of your own, too, to help you deal with the freight train of shock you are feeling right now. Your previous main support system, your wife, is currently indefinitely unavailable.
Don't forget, people lie to counsellors too, especially when another person is present and especially when the counsellor is closing in on emotional territory the subject doesn't want to examine.
Also remember, counselling aside, your wife doesn't have a choice to make, between you and this other man. She already chose you in 2008. What she's doing now is going back on that choice, which, in my experience, means she's already decided otherwise and just has no idea how to tell you. She's not deciding; she stalling.
One other resource I haven't seen mentioned yet: Chump Lady. Here's a link to a post of hers that helps you evaluate your wife's sincerity. https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/re...ahyde-remorse/
Don't show it to a cheater though; it just helps them fake sincerity better.