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post #106 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

I think your state of mind at the moment requires conferring with someone who really cares about you (OK you are talking to your sis). Is your wife feeding information to you regarding her feelings and which way they are floating?Why are you treating like your WW is not doing anything bad? Check out the other guy, I am sure he is well to do and your wife is a gold digger while pretending be very hurt regarding her feelings which she pretend like she does not know how they came about. Hope you have no kids with this lose cannon of morals. A another possibility is she want to be the mom to the kid. What ever happen do not leave ask her to get out. From your post below it seems she is against you and do not care about your welfare. Please get some medicine as a short term measure. Be angry (not violent) about the situation which you have done absolutely nothing to bring about. It will help you. Ddude, feeling helpless,sad is self defeating in front of this narcissist. Your so called W call you names - good thing about this is today is your worst day. From now own you feel better and better. Think this is a blessing in disguise. You love your own kids do not you. As many times mentioned else where one should never attach to anything / anyone so strong that they cannot leave


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post #107 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

It's only gotten worse. I met with my sister and told her why I needed to talk with her. I just cried and vented the whole time. She's very angry with my wife. It was nice to get all of that stuff out.

So onto the bad news. Well I asked to see her phone and all of the messages were deleted. They have a snapchat streak lasting over 100 days. She told me they really only communicate through snapchat.

Did not believe her but acted like I did. She went to shower, locked myself in a room and got the texts recovered. I couldn't even describe the feeling/how I'm feeling now. I did not find any evidence of it actually being physical.

But I miss you and I loves you scattered throughout their messages. There wasn't that many, so I guess they do mostly communicate through snapchat. She did contact him today, telling him she just wants to be in his arms.

So I can only assume the worst. The worst part about this is her reaction to all this. Blaming me and calling me a ****. No sorry, no anything. Told me she has not loved me for years. I think that's a lie and she is just trying to regulate what she's doing.

Won't admit to it being physical and has said she's so confused. Doesn't even care about how I feel. My head is so ****ed.

The woman who I have loved and cherished all these years doesn't care about me it seems like. I can't explain it but I feel actual physical pain. I'm aching as I type this.
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post #108 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

She's still lying.

Doesn't matter, though... just let her go.

Sorry man.

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post #109 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:38 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

@ddude23,

I'm glad you're still here and still reading and still updating us. I'm so glad you have your sister. Even if she gets REALLY mad at your wife and reacts from her anger, at least you have someone "on your side" to support you, and that's super helpful.

I am sure this feels SO overwhelming and everything that everyone has written seems so impossible to do, but I want you to remember something. You don't have to do it this minute today. You can take some time and just breathe.

But I would encourage you strongly to look at all the advice posters have given you, and pick ONE. Pick one that YOU want to do, that feels right to you, and even if you can't complete it, break it into steps and do at least one step. You'll find that it helps to feel like you're doing something.

And don't forget to eat, and get lotion kleenex! If you want to talk more, we are here.

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post #110 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:04 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

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Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
...So I can only assume the worst. The worst part about this is her reaction to all this. Blaming me and calling me a ****. No sorry, no anything. Told me she has not loved me for years. I think that's a lie and she is just trying to regulate what she's doing.

Won't admit to it being physical and has said she's so confused. Doesn't even care about how I feel. My head is so ****ed.

The woman who I have loved and cherished all these years doesn't care about me it seems like. I can't explain it but I feel actual physical pain. I'm aching as I type this.
So this is the thanks you get for being willing to stand by your wife when she found out she could not conceive. Please, please, please follow the advice you've been given here. You need to get yourself out of infidelity.
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post #111 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

@ddude23, "I miss you" means they've been spending time together, and that means...

Well, you know exactly what that means.

She's not mentioned divorce because she knows there's no coming back from that. That or she doesn't want you to get the jump on her and file first, because that would interfere w/ her plans for a clean exit.

Either way, what she wants is for you to be cool w/ allowing her to have the time and space that she wants to openly test drive this guy.

What she needs is to know that you're aware of PRECISELY what this means:

If she feels like she has to or deserves to or wants to (or whatever) make a choice between the two of you, she's already made the choice, and it ain't you.

I know you're spinning right now.

I know you're hurting right now.

But your one and only shot at getting out of this w/ your marriage, sanity, and dignity intact is to take yourself out of the running.

Make her understand that, if she feels like she has to choose, she's already chosen, and that you're no longer a choice for her.

And hey, if the worst that comes of this approach is that you "lose" someone that didn't love or value you enough to remain faithful, at least your sanity and dignity will remain intact.

@FeministInPink, another poster here, has (or at least once had) a signature that I'll attempt to paraphrase here...

"I don't play games. Either you're in or you're out. You're either '**** YES' or '**** NO'."

Not sure that it's worth mentioning to her that she's likely as "in love" with the idea of being an "instant mom" / stepmom as she is w/ OM.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."

Last edited by GusPolinski; 03-16-2017 at 06:33 PM.
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post #112 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

ddude, I am so sorry you are here. I'm afraid that your road ahead is very bumpy. But you will get through it. We're all here for you. We all have our personal perspectives, but I hope that you've seen the common threads running through all of this -
1. This is not your fault. The shame and humiliation of being betrayed belongs to the betrayer. The breaker of promises.
2. Your wife's expectation that you should stand peacefully by, whilst she "decides" who gets to have her heart? That is a load of crap.
3. Your expectation that your wife would be bound by her promises of fidelity and commitment to you? Treat you with honesty and respect? All completely reasonable.

Your wife is like a toddler having a tantrum because you're threatening to take away the toy that she was playing with. "I hate you, I hate you. It's all your fault and I've never loved you!" You'll hear screams like this every Saturday morning in department stores all over the world. This is not the response of rational, responsible and mature adult after being confronted with what she has done. You cannot treat her as the adult you knew her to be. She is currently not worthy of you, or your commitment to her. She believes that you are her "bird in the hand" and she is standing, swaying from side to side, considering whether she'd like to exchange you because she's bored. (Later, she's going to realise that it wasn't you she was bored with, and that it isn't you she was unhappy with ... but she is a long way from that.)

There do need to be consequences for your wife's choices and behaviour. The consequences that you can control are all about taking back your power - find your life without her (the 180), moving her out of the house (or at least your bedroom), cutting yourself off from her. I'm going to say again that you cannot currently treat her like the adult you knew her to be. I do think, in your situation, filing for divorce has significant value as a "shock and awe" tactic, and if YOU want to pursue reconciliation further down the line if YOU feel that she is remorseful and deserving of a second chance? Those are all YOUR decisions later.

I'd also expose her behaviour to her parents/family/friends in an objective and calm fashion. It isn't about trying to take revenge, but simply about ensuring that if she asks any of them for support, or values their opinions, then they know the full story.

For the record, I think a work-based confrontation is a bad idea. You want everyone to know that you are the sane, adult one. Behaving in a logical, calm fashion. If you start behaving in a threatening fashion, then you run the risk of being accused of harassment or, worse still, the possibility of a restraining order. The OM is an ass. Leave him alone to be an ass. (Look, I'm not a man, so maybe I don't get the whole piss-on-the-tree thing. But, as a outsider, if I saw a man trying to physically or verbally intimidate others - to me that isn't strength. That's bad judgement .. or just sad.)

Be strong, ddude. The road is long, but there is an end.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.
― C.S. Lewis
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post #113 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:50 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

@ddude23,

Here is what my husband did that woke me up. I'm not saying this will always work, but it did work ON ME.

I believe he found out a couple days before he talked to me, so for a couple days I believe he stayed quiet and gathered irrefutable evidence.

He got the OM's email address.

He wrote to the OM and copied me, and essentially said: "If you think I'm going to let you walk away with my wife without a fight, you're crazy. I intend to fight for my family, and make no mistake, my wife is part of MY family, not yours."

He came to talk to me and he was crying. Not that "I'm weak and you've destroyed me" crying but the "I am sorrowing for the horrible things you are doing" crying. He said to me, "I know you are having an affair and I've written to your OM. I will not just hand you over. You're my wife and my family, and I've made commitments to you. But we will not be a family if there is an affair. You are free to go if that's what you have to do, but if you go, you won't be coming back and I won't be hiding your affair from those who ask. Please think carefully. You can still fix this--it's not too late. But to fix it you have to stop. You have to stop the affair and never, ever see him or anyone associated with the affair again. What do you choose?"

Now, I personally think the reason this worked on me was because in my heart of hearts I was already ready to admit I was wrong and I wanted to stop. In a way I felt like maybe it was already too late and he'd never even consider me anymore, be from what he said I knew that wasn't true. And I know my Dear Hubby well enough to know that he's the kind of guy, when he closes a door, that sucker is locked, bolted, and chained shut! THERE IS NO COMING BACK! That's the way he is (not to say he doesn't offer second chances--obviously I'm still here--but he offers the second chance one time and then he is DONE)!

So I was messed up. I felt "jumbled" inside. But I knew he meant it and I also knew if I chose to stay, I could count on him to work together with me--that is to say, I had to work on me, but he would work too to rebuild a new marriage. You know? Like I wasn't "alone" even though I was the one who had to do the serious work.

@ddude23, I'm hoping this encourages you to gather your courage and follow through on whatever you CHOOSE to do.

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post #114 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:08 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
It's only gotten worse. I met with my sister and told her why I needed to talk with her. I just cried and vented the whole time. She's very angry with my wife. It was nice to get all of that stuff out.

So onto the bad news. Well I asked to see her phone and all of the messages were deleted. They have a snapchat streak lasting over 100 days. She told me they really only communicate through snapchat.

Did not believe her but acted like I did. She went to shower, locked myself in a room and got the texts recovered. I couldn't even describe the feeling/how I'm feeling now. I did not find any evidence of it actually being physical.

But I miss you and I loves you scattered throughout their messages. There wasn't that many, so I guess they do mostly communicate through snapchat. She did contact him today, telling him she just wants to be in his arms.

So I can only assume the worst. The worst part about this is her reaction to all this. Blaming me and calling me a ****. No sorry, no anything. Told me she has not loved me for years. I think that's a lie and she is just trying to regulate what she's doing.

Won't admit to it being physical and has said she's so confused. Doesn't even care about how I feel. My head is so ****ed.

The woman who I have loved and cherished all these years doesn't care about me it seems like. I can't explain it but I feel actual physical pain. I'm aching as I type this.
Confused means she just wants you to play along and not make things difficult for her, a typical ws wants to have the spouse and ap fawning over them as the attention from both feeds the rush and euphoria affair land can bring. Her blame game will escalate quickly now, minor disagreements that you had long ago will suddenly become huge issues, good times will suddenly be remembered as bad by her. It's all part of the self justification to convince themselves they are entitled to "be happy".

Yes this hurts, it'll be one of the more painful things you endure in your life but you will heal and you will prosper in your life. It natural to but don't obsess about the how's and why's of what she is doing, you'll never figure it out. Her text today alone should tell you what you need to know. I hope your sister recommended you a divorce lawyer, get a meeting, get on retainer and have her served.

Your now in the no win game as she's setting the rules, don't play and set your own rules for your life.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #115 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:29 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

@ddude23

Get the crying out of the way (in private). Summon your strength. If you want to save your marriage, file for divorce and follow the instructions as per several other posts.

But, she doesn't seem to give a **** about the pain she's putting you through, poor thing is confused. Expects you to wait around while she decides who she wants. **** that.

Find another woman who will be all that you thought this one was.

You said you would like to have kids. I'll tell you this, the two most amazing days in my life BY A LONG SHOT, were the days I witnessed the birth of my children.

Most incredible feeling ever. You can live it.

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post #116 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:39 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

I am reluctant to say this but I will. Grow a pair. You are letting her run the show. Take control. I know you have it inside of you to step up to the plate. You need to shock the hell out of her. Hell, if it were me I would kick her ass out of the house and tell her to go stay with POSOM.

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #117 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

My sister does represent divorce cases. She has told me not to leave our home. This is all happening so fast, I'm not sure how to handle it. She is saying nothing happened between them. She's lying to me and doesn't even care about how upset I am, who is this person? My sister has told me if we divorce I will most likely have to pay her spousal support because of the income differences. She wants to represent me and has told me she won't take any money from me but I don't want to burden her so I might not.

As for my wife, she is not apologizing or anything. Told me she has not loved me in years. She went off to go teach and I threw all her stuff out of our bedroom. I threw all photos of us around the house in a garbage bag. All she said was we'll talk when she gets home. After all we have been through I can't believe she is letting this guy come between us. Before this she was a loving, supportive, loyal wife.
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post #118 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

She's not apologizing because she's not sorry.

She's not sorry because she's got exactly what she wants -- TWO suckers in her thrall.

Oh, and she's still lying.

She's already left for the night, so tell her to stay gone.

Pack her things and tell her to stay w/ OM.

Don't be mean... simply tell her that you're giving her exactly what she wants.

File first thing tomorrow morning, and tell your sister to aggressively push for the most favorable terms possible.

Also read up on and implement the 180.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #119 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:30 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddude23 View Post
My sister does represent divorce cases. She has told me not to leave our home. This is all happening so fast, I'm not sure how to handle it. She is saying nothing happened between them. She's lying to me and doesn't even care about how upset I am, who is this person? My sister has told me if we divorce I will most likely have to pay her spousal support because of the income differences. She wants to represent me and has told me she won't take any money from me but I don't want to burden her so I might not.

As for my wife, she is not apologizing or anything. Told me she has not loved me in years. She went off to go teach and I threw all her stuff out of our bedroom. I threw all photos of us around the house in a garbage bag. All she said was we'll talk when she gets home. After all we have been through I can't believe she is letting this guy come between us. Before this she was a loving, supportive, loyal wife.
No one will be more motivated to get you the best deal than your sister. If she wants to do it, let her.

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post #120 of 612 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: World has been turned upside down in a day.

Ask her how her dancing business will be affected if all the mothers find out .
Use that as ammo in divorce.

It's important to know how your sex life has changed in the last few years. This is an important indicator of how she feels about you and him.

Calling you names and telling you she hasn't loved you for years is hard. Odd that she hasn't jumped at the chance to tell you she's done.
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