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World has been turned upside down in a day.

240K views 613 replies 111 participants last post by  No Longer Lonely Husband 
#1 ·
Hi all, I am a 33 year old male. My wife is 32 years old. We married in 2008 and have been together since 2004. We've faced pretty tough things over our time together. Lost our first house which was devastating but now live in a very nice home that were comfortable in. Throughout our time together it was found out that my wife was infertile, we never really planned for kids but it devastated her. I did maybe want kids one day but I assured her that I love her and would not be going anywhere. She has been my biggest supporter and best friend all of these years. We barely fought and have had a good marriage.

Yesterday my wife confessed something that turned everything upside down. She teaches a dance class for young/teenage girls and has informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened.

I thought I had it all, I have a nice life and a good job that I'm respected at, get along with everybody. I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.

I was at work earlier today, I just started to cry in my office. Looking at at the picture of her on my table. I feel like a destroyed/betrayed man. Someone must of heard and informed my boss, who talked with me personally and told me it is okay if I take a few days off.

So I'm at home, all I want to do is drown my thoughts in alcohol but I have read that it's not good. I will do anything to numb this pain. I posted in another section, but that is a divorce forum. Although there is a good possibility I will end up divorced :frown2:
 
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#136 ·
Just remember that your marriage and the woman you married no longer exist. Go hire the toughest lawyer you can find and get the D rolling as soon as possible. Take off your ring and get rid of all pictures. If you need to, burn them.

There is no turning back now. You will be strong, you will be assertive, and you will NOT tolerate this behavior. Tell her she needs to start looking for a place to stay as soon as possible.

If you want to be mean, do as LH recommended and tell her you can't wait to find a woman and one day have children together. Tell her you are now officially separated and on the way to divorce. Then, if the mood hits you, get on CL or some dating sites and start looking for some FWB or ONS action.

Regardless, do NOT consider chasing her. Go ahead and call your marriage over. Just get that D started ASAP!

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
 
#140 ·
I already know I'm going to be ****ed up for months over this. I've already been thinking about quitting my job because I feel like I'm going to mess up. This hasn't even hit me yet. I feel like I'm going do something stupid and end up making the situation worse. Here I am, sitting and crying in our home with our dog here. Talking to helpful internet strangers while my wife is out with another man. Am I really that disposable?
 
#146 ·
It is a **** storm no doubt about it. But try to keep this in mind....right now she thinks she is winning, she thinks she is calling the shots. And she is. But it does not have to stay that way.

If you quit your job, or do anything stupid....she wins. She wins by continuing to inflict pain on you. The only way you are going to start feeling better is to take action and take control. Cheaters like her lose their minds if they feel they are not in control.

Without telling her anything.......File. Have her served at work. The same day she is served you expose her to your family, her family, and any close friends. Otherwise she will spin the story to make you the bad guy. These actions will put her on her heels. She has checked out of the relationship. Time for you to check out and find someone new. There is a world of women out there that will love and respect you the way you deserve.
 
#149 ·
You will be fine. You are still in the shock phase and will begin transitioning to the anger phase. Get a therapist to help navigate these emotional waters.

I hate to sound disrespectful but all you're doing is simply removing a disease. Of course you'd rather be on a beach somewhere but you need to do what you need to do, then you'll be healthy again.

You cannot picture happiness now but just know that you will. The body reacts in a way that is making it physically impossible to right now. LonelyHusband is an ex-marine and it broke him for a few months as well
 
#151 ·
She came home 30 minutes ago. Banging on the door super loud, had no choice but to let her in if she called the police they would force me to let her in. I don't know why she has to come home. I still care about her. She told me it's physical and she's in love.

I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance She also won't leave the house and both of our names are on it.

So I'm back in our room, she's in another one. Just would of never thought I would be here. She was the light of my life, now it's just darkness.
 
#154 ·
Dude,

Well, I knew she was going to get back in. If her name is on house I was just hoping you did not wind up in jail over her actions.
Every time you post you still care about her, and tell her that, you are digging yourself a bigger hole to climb out of so please STOP IT. We all know how you feel but that is not going to help you.

Now she tells you she thinks you shouldn't file yet. Can you think of any reason that you shouldn't???? She has just told you, what we all knew, that she is and has been having sex with this guy, probably multiple times a week, and that she is now not even going to hide it from you.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER GOING TO AN MARRIAGE THERAPIST WITH HER.????????

My guess is she initially confessed to you because this OM probably is divorced and she is convinced he will be all hers. Otherwise she would have continued with the denial and deceit. Dude, you must get to an attorney today and get the papers drawn up. Remember, an attorney is there to advise you on legal issues, NOT to play marriage therapist. He or she is not living with a spouse who is cheating.

Your wife is going to make this as painful for you as possible for a couple of reasons.
(1) she obviously has nowhere to go and does not make enough money to get a place of her own
(2) her boyfriend obviously has not offered for her to move in right now

So unfortunately, until you can get this divorce done, which she should want, you are going to be stuck watching her going out and coming home or not coming home and you can't lock her out. That is why you need to get rolling on this divorce.

Dude, please stop discussing or engaging with her about anything. Last nighht she arrived home from banging another man and then tells you that maybe therapy might help,. It is just a stall.

Now cut her funding off and protect yourself financially. Filing will make you in most cases not responsible for any debt she incurs.

Get moving. Time is wasting.
 
#152 ·
I told her I'm moving on and she needs to find a place to stay. Asked if she would cut contact with him right now so we can rebuild, said she can't do that. Told me she thinks I shouldn't file yet.... maybe we should go to counseling she says. Just to see if there's any chance
1. She did not think you would react this way
2. Stalling tactic so she can prepare
IMMEDIATELY DO THIS IN THE MORNING
A. Separate finances immediately
B. Cancel Credit Cards
C. Set up your own Bank Accounts now and put 50% of the joint money into it.
 
#155 ·
You could have waited for her to call the police. It might have created more ruckus than you wanted but you could have entered into statement that she was with her OM, then show the texts to prove it. It would be embarrassing for her and documented.
 
#156 ·
Get to a lawyer, even if it's one who advertises on the side of a bus TODAY. You need to lock her out of the finances.

Her boyfriend is divorced (otherwise she wouldn't be pushing all of her chips in the middle of the table) and he is using his experiences to coach her to delay for a more favorable divorce.

Get angry. When she was banging on the door to get in last night she had just had sex with him. Get angry. Get angry. You need the anger to get your a$$ to the lawyers today.
 
#157 ·
ddude23 : Actually in many states, you CAN keep her out of the home. The police will not want to deal with it.

As someone stated, she has a 4month head start. *WE ALL* know what you are going through. I went through this crap a year ago. Nothing much is as painful as having a cheater.

There are Pros and Cons with going with your sister. A burden is a non-issue. She would have your back more so than another lawyer, but she also has an emotional connection to the situation. If she is NOT a family / divorce lawyer - then DO NOT NOT use her. Ask her for references for another lawyer. Lawyers KNOW other lawyers more than anyone else. They know who is good vs bad.

Your wife is dead. Actually, she is a zombie-wife, an alien who has taken over her brain. She *IS* your enemy. She is out on dates getting laid while you torturing you. You tears are meaningless to her. It totally sucks. You are mourning her death and that of your marriage. It's over. *YOU* will hit the angry phase... go to the gym. Think about the other women there who are in shape that you can date when your head is clear. It'll take a few months. And KNOW THIS... you can be a DAD with a future girlfriend or wife. Another thread was the same - childless cheater... he remarried and recently had a baby. His cheating xWW is barely a thought, and she knows that he is a father.

Start 180.
Get IC. And see a doctor for anti-anxiety meds. Gabapentin is a good non-habit pill. I'd avoid xanax like the plague, it will make you FEEL better, but will crash you hard - can get addicted.
There was another med that I used to take in the mornings, I don't remember 100% - non-habit. - But I think it was Lexapro 10/20mg. A doctor will need to monitor your usage - so don't just go out and buy this stuff.

NO DRINKING ALCOHOL! It's a depressant, it will make THINGS worse!

Keep busy. Gym... never too much gym. Go 1-2 hours a day. Gets you out of the house.
File for divorce. There is no IF or WHEN... do it today. Your sister should be able to help you at least file a TRO to keep her out of YOUR HOME.

I remember when my wife said she was going stay for a couple of months before moving out (the OM didn't have his own place) I left that "meeting" with WTF... 5~10 minutes after I saw her, I sent her a text "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENTER MY HOME! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!" She only had the clothes on her back for 3 or so days. Your wife can go to her OM. Why should she be anywhere near you.

Getting that TRO is a start. Get legal advice... but plan to put her crap in boxes. Then have moves put her crap in a storage room and send her the key or combination to the padlock. (I'd text the padlock combination). Once all of her crap *IS OUT* of the home, she cannot demand the cops to let her live there.

DO THIS TODAY. Don't give her time to regroup. Empty half your bank account / make new one one - etc, whatever you can to protect your money.

Don't do her any favors. She is your walking dead zombie wife. nothing more.
 
#161 · (Edited)
OP look buddy that woman that used to be your wife is gone forever. She is now your enemy. She straight up told you that her relationship with OM is physical. She is Fvcking him and that she's in love with him. She fired you.! You have been replaced by her new POSOM. She is carrying his seed inside her right now...:surprise: stand up for yourself.! She needs to face some consequences. Do not engage with her. Detach your self from her. Apply the 180. You seriously need to Come to terms with the fact that your marriage is gone! She is not your wife anymore and please file for Divorce.!!!

The first consequence she needs the face is divorce. By not taking any action you look weak to her and that is so unattractive. Do not do the pick me dance. Do not plead or a beg for her to come back. Separate yourself from this evil woman that does not care about you or show any remorse...
 
#164 ·
She told you it was physical to hurt you and make you quit holding onto any hope. Most all women assume a man would have nothing to do with a woman that cheated on him and rubbed it in his face.

Get a copy of the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. You do not understand the real man woman dynamic. Her boyfriend takes what he wants and you are sitting around crying. NEVER let her see you cry again. Say nothing to her . Do not answer her call for any thing. She fired you. Do not answer her texts. File asap.
None of this adds up. She didn't cut you off or change your sex life. He hasn't asked her to move in. She doesn't know it but he just wants her for a fling. The pretty, naive dance teacher. What a pair. How do you know he's really divorced. Give his name to your sister nad have him investigated. He's lying to her and she's lying to you.

I'm guessing you make much more money than her. They both may be playing you. Ask your sister if you can put his name in the divorce filing.
 
#169 ·
Well, the one good thing about doing the "pick me dance" is there will be no chance of reconciliation and you will eventually be free to marry a younger woman and have babies, the greatest thing in the world.
 
#172 ·
My sister is going to start drawing up the papers so I can get her served. Yeah I don't know why she came home last night. Stupidly I asked if she slept with OM and she said yes and she loves him she was also drunk, she drove him drunk. One of her friends got killed by a drunk driver, it's something she was always so against. Also was in a tank top and has no shoes on very classy. Today I am separating the finances.

I'm still so upset, but she doesn't care. It hasn't even hit me yet.
 
#175 ·
Go to Best Buy today and pick up a VAR (voice-activated recorder). Buy some rechargeable batteries as well.

From here on out, record all of your conversations w/ your STBXW. When she starts talking, pull out the recorder so that she can see it, and start recording. Once the VAR is rolling, simply say, "I'm recording this conversation. Any further discussion from you will be taken as consent to being recorded."

This will help you in two ways:

1) You won't have to listen to nearly half as much of her bull**** from here on out.

2) In those cases where she's drunk enough or stupid enough or whatever enough to keep talking, you'll capture it all.

She's the enemy now, and needs to be treated as such. Be polite, don't raise your voice, and keep your emotions in check... but she's still the enemy.

If you've not done so yet, read up on and implement the 180.
 
#173 · (Edited)
Two paths.

The false path, the one that leads to disaster and prolonged pain: Indecisive. Praying that it's all a dream. Trying to win someone back who has betrayed you in one of the worst possible ways. Pretending that you want to reconcile with someone who could hurt you so callously and selfishly, as if her actions never occurred to begin with. "Pick me! Pick me!". Allowing yourself to be disrespected and allowing yourself to appear to be a grovelling, begging, pitiful human being, to be scorned by your wife and her lover. Asking "why" when "why" does not matter. "Why" only matters when it can be fixed. This cannot be fixed. "Why", when asked of your betrayer, only allows further opportunities for the betrayer to rationalize her actions at your expense.

The true path: Being decisive. Realizing that you were scammed. Cloaking your pain with an air of indifference. Accepting that she invited another man into her body and her heart, while parasitically using you. Filing for divorce immediately with no mercy and no remorse, even if you feel both of these things. Speaking not at all, except it be for the purpose of eliminating this evil from your life. Understanding that there is nothing that you can say to evil, that will not be used to evil's advantage. Ignoring conversations and excuses that serve to erode your resolve. Understanding that every tactic possible will be used by the cheater to your disadvantage, and to believe what a cheater says is to harm yourself.

Be steadfast. Do not stop moving forward with detaching yourself from the cheater. If you don't believe that indecisiveness is harmful to you alone, read the hundreds of threads on this message board, and then ask yourself, "How many of these people had false hopes, and what happened to them?". You'll find the answer. Sometimes it takes guts, but guts is enough.

You have to understand that this is all about your well-being now. There is nothing that anyone can do to hurt you now, only you can hurt yourself. The damage is done. The betrayal has been revealed. What you're mourning for is a person who is an actress. The person that you love does not exist. You cannot reason with someone who does not exist.

If you hesitate, which many do, you will only delay the inevitable to your detriment. The the more decisive and steadfast that you are in ridding yourself of your connections to this evil imposter, the sooner you'll realize happiness. You will find someone who truly loves you, meets your needs, and most joyously, can provide you with children. When you're holding your first child in your arms, you will wonder how you ever lived without one. Then, you may look at your betrayer and pity her.

BE DECISIVE! This is one of the hardest battles that you'll ever face. Those who lose the battle are those who fool themselves into thinking that they're still negotiating, meanwhile the enemy is at the gates.
 
#176 ·
ddude, don't be stupid enough to sit around monitoring what she's doing, going out, driving drunk, et cetera. You ain't getting anywhere with it my man. You'll end up like a friend of mine son who in now wearing a ankle bracelet while on probation for violating a court order. She's already told you she's in love with and sleeping with the other guy. What more do you need to know? Be a big enough azz and annoying enough to make her want to leave. Tell her if she lives there and until the divorce she's going to have to cut you in on a piece a couple of times a week, and anything else that you know she hates and annoys the crap out of her.
 
#178 · (Edited)
We are not saying these things to be MEAN to you. We know how this works.

She is gas-lighting you as well - telling you bits of things you want to hear. She is messing with your mind with "lets not file for D yet". Just as you DIDN'T know she was cheating on you - you DON'T know what she is thinking now... you are not in her head.

You are wasting your time - she is a zombie, and she's eating your brain. Don't be zombie food.
She can't be reasoned with. Dump her NOW. Meet a younger, better woman who can actually give you children.

Oh.. and always use a VAR. She may go nuts and accuse you of beating her.
 
#184 ·
OP,
There was once a show called The Six Million Dollar Man. You are now the astronaut in that show. You have, through no fault of your own, been involved in a crash that has resulted in the loss of your right arm, both of your legs and one eye and one ear. You are in severe pain physically and emotionally trying to come to grips with how this happened. That pain is normal. What you must do now is to, as quickly as possible, realize that your limbs are gone and that if you are to survive you must be strong, bear the pain and forge ahead.

That is the bad news. Now for the good news. The limbs, eye and ear are not gone forever. There is technology that will allow you to replace your arm with one that is stronger and more dependable than the original. The same is true for the legs, you will stand again and will in fact run, jump and do all of the things you did before but with a greater sense of security because the new legs are more solid and trustworthy than the old. The new eye you will have will allow you to see in a way that you could not before, beyond the superficial. The eye will give you a glimpse into a deeper realm that you could not see before thereby allowing you to be more discerning in your view of life in general and women in particular. Also, the new ear implant will allow you to hear subtleties that were beyond your original scope of audio perception, again giving you the ability to improve your perception of life.

Now in order to have these prosthetics become a part of you there is more pain to endure. There are surgeries needed to remove the remaining remnants of the old so that the new parts can be attached securely. It will be difficult but the man that emerges from the operating room will be better than he was before. This new man will be stronger, wiser and more self assured than he ever was before.

Once the surgery (divorce) is over it will take you time to figure out how to use that new arm and those legs but once you do you will experience a strength that you have never known. Your new eye and ear will help you collect the information you need to find that new woman and when you do you will have support on those new legs that is unwavering and strength in that right arm that you never thought possible. It will support you and assist you throughout the remainder of your life. There is life after this, you just have to get through the painful part. Many of us have been where you are and most of us are still walking the path so know you are not alone. In fact the path you are on is well traveled.

You have been handed this circumstance and it is up to you how you accept it. There will be a period of mourning for your lost limbs but do not allow it to go on too long and overwhelm you before you decide to use the strengths you will acquire to forge ahead to your new life. Imagine what you had with your old arm and legs only better, stronger and more dependable. She is out there. Good fortune to you.
 
#185 ·
It's unsavory to take someone's post, and totally misrepresent it. For anyone to read my above posts as suggesting to a BS to 'suck it up,' doesn't make sense, and that has never been my advice here. My advice is to leave and work on healing and moving on with your own life. I understand it's not easy if kids are involved, etc...but, I just don't believe in staying with a cheater, especially one who isn't repentant whatsoever, like the OP's wife right now.

I'm not an advocate of exposing, because I just see it as a revengeful tactic. Leaving and going no contact with the WS, is the best way to heal and live a better life, imo.
 
#211 ·
I just want to kindly state that it felt like you were basically advising him to slink away with his tail between his legs. The logic to expose is sound and been the go to advise here for many years. Please go to the marriagebuilders.com site and search for exposure. It explains why even the kids should be made aware of infidelity. Infidelity thrives in darkness and not the only the BS is affected. One of the leading causes of suicide especially among men is adultery. Hoping fate will deal with a cheater is just denying responsibility for oneself. He needs to find out if her Posom is really divorced. He needs to find out what and who he is dealing with. They're teaming up against him and the best defense is a great offense. Let them deal with him while their heads are spooning. I would even let his employer know what he is doing. It might not do any good but that depends on what kind of people he works with.
 
#197 ·
I guess i sit in the middle of all this. When I went thru all this, I didn't do a full on exposure either.

I was pretty much dead set on getting a divorce. I thought the facebook posts, and letters to her employer

would have been just petty revenge. However, if trying to bust up an affair i do see the merits of exposure.

Exposure works to end affairs. Seen it time and time again.

However, with that being said I didn't hide anything either. If someone asked me why I was divorcing, I would
tell them the truth especially people who i considered friends and family.
 
#199 ·
It ends the affair possibly, but it doesn't end why the person cheated to begin with, and if the person was forced to end it, they may cheat again, because they didn't do it on their own. They did it out of embarrassment of others finding out. Like a kid who cheats on a math test and the teacher calls the parent...the kid might be sorry about being caught, but not sorry for cheating. Cheating is a choice, and it's about the OM or OW, really...the OM or OW could be anybody for the cheater...the cheater is looking for something else to fill a void in his/her life, which is why there are so many serial cheaters in marriages. If ending one affair would end all affairs, I'd say go for exposing, but likely, it won't if the WS has serious character flaws, etc.
 
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