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World has been turned upside down in a day.

240K views 613 replies 111 participants last post by  No Longer Lonely Husband 
#1 ·
Hi all, I am a 33 year old male. My wife is 32 years old. We married in 2008 and have been together since 2004. We've faced pretty tough things over our time together. Lost our first house which was devastating but now live in a very nice home that were comfortable in. Throughout our time together it was found out that my wife was infertile, we never really planned for kids but it devastated her. I did maybe want kids one day but I assured her that I love her and would not be going anywhere. She has been my biggest supporter and best friend all of these years. We barely fought and have had a good marriage.

Yesterday my wife confessed something that turned everything upside down. She teaches a dance class for young/teenage girls and has informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened.

I thought I had it all, I have a nice life and a good job that I'm respected at, get along with everybody. I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.

I was at work earlier today, I just started to cry in my office. Looking at at the picture of her on my table. I feel like a destroyed/betrayed man. Someone must of heard and informed my boss, who talked with me personally and told me it is okay if I take a few days off.

So I'm at home, all I want to do is drown my thoughts in alcohol but I have read that it's not good. I will do anything to numb this pain. I posted in another section, but that is a divorce forum. Although there is a good possibility I will end up divorced :frown2:
 
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#2 ·
@ddude23,

I'm sorry you're here and that we're meeting under these circumstances, but in a way I'm glad you're here, because we can really help you!

First, I want to forewarn you that some people here have also been betrayed, and when they read posts like yours, they trigger and feel all that hurt and pain again--so they respond pretty harshly (not harsh toward you, but just with some gusto ;) ). So as you read people's replies, please remember that.

Second, I want to tell you right up front that in my first marriage my exH cheated on me and I was DEVASTATED. I cried for days on end. But I want to encourage you because it doesn't last forever and gradually it can get better. It's not instant, I can tell ya that! But gradually over some time, you will feel better, no matter what you choose to do. So don't sink into the darkness. Yes, it's dark right now, but there is hope for the future, okay? Now the part I'm not proud of at all: in my second marriage (my current marriage), I was the one who had the affair. It was all online so all EA, and yet it was definitely unfaithfulness. So I tell you this because I have some understanding of both sides.

Okay--take a deep breath. There are some things you can do immediately that will actually help the situation.

1. Go shopping right now and buy some soup and some lotion kleenex. I know that sounds crazy but you are NOT going to be able to eat with all the crying and the knot in your throat, and yet you need your strength somehow. Soup is warm, feels kind of good, and will give you a little nutrition. And lotion tissues are because I guarantee you, you and your wife are going to be doing some crying, and you will chap your eyelids. Crying into chapped eyelids is physically ouchy--so lotion tissues. You can do that today and help yourself a little tiny bit.

2. She made a vow (aka "a voluntary promise") to YOU to forsake all others and give 100% of her affection, loyalty and companionship to you. She did not promise this for "as long as she had feelings" but rather through all the ups and downs that life throws at you two UNTIL DEATH PARTS YOU. So she has obligations to you. She has no such obligations to the other man (OM). So you are not in a contest to win her as the prize. YOU are her husband and the head of your family.

So do not beg her, or try to "nice" her back to the marriage. I know that is SO HARD because you want to woo her and win her back!! But @ddude23, I guarantee you that will not do it. So read, and read, and read here on the forum so you can learn about affairs, but for now, just do not try to beg and promise her you'll be a better husband. If you want to do anything, gather your courage about you and tell her IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you will not have a third wheel in your marriage, and that you find adultery unacceptable. Tell her she made a moral and legal promise TO YOU and that you do not intend to just let her just go all wishy washy--you will not let her go without FIGHTING for your WIFE! Have the attitude a little bit like "If you want to be with ME, I find this utterly unacceptable and you will stop now or you will not have me!!" Right out, tell her that to remain married to you, she MUST stop the affair immediately and end all contact forever.

3. Finally I want you to keep this in mind: SHE is the one who chose to commit adultery. I highly suspect she is going to talk to you and say something like: "Well if you had paid more attention to me and been more romantic, I wouldn't have felt so lonely and wandered" (attempting to place the blame for her choice on you). DO NOT SHOULDER HER BURDEN. I'm not saying you were a perfect husband--I'll betcha you can learn to do better, right? We all have faults! But she had an obligation to love you and protect the marriage from her own weaknesses, and instead she left herself and the one to whom she made promises vulnerable. So the old marriage you had is dead. The image you had in your head--that is dead. And you were the murder victim and she was the murderer. There is no getting around that truth.

BUT you are the party who was wronged. You can morally and legally choose to divorce, if that is what you choose. Many people consider infidelity a deal-breaker and will not tolerate it at all one little bit. Others have the ability to learn and grown and forgive and are able to offer reconciliation IF THE DISLOYAL SPOUSE ENDS THE AFFAIR...and then learns and grows from what they did. So you have some time to figure out which way you want to go--you don't have to decide that today. In fact, I guarantee that no matter which way you pick, there will be days and times that you'll vacillate . For now, just remind yourself over and over that THE CHOICE IS YOURS. If you want to divorce--I say go to a lawyer, learn your rights, and pursue it as soon as possible. Rip the bandaid off! And if you want to reconcile--then the first thing you'll want to do is END THE AFFAIR. The two of them can never contact each other again, so you may have to move and she may have to leave her job as dance teacher because that is the cost of choosing to screw around with a parent of one of her students.

Okay--that's a start. We'll be here for you.
 
#43 ·
Because it's physical and she feels guilty. She wants him to file so she's not the bad guy.
 
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#444 ·
Sorry you are here.



The truth is unless she stays away from this guy, you will not be able to work on the marriage. you need to give her an ultimatum it's you or him and if she can't decide then hand her divorce papers maybe that will wake her up. Do not hang around and be her plan B


This is good advice ... make her realize that you have dignity and that you can live without her. Once you beg and cry it's over. Do you have kids ? If so it's worth a shot if not, I'd advice to let it go since it's apparent that she is one who is vulnerable. Good luck buddy.


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#6 ·
I dont know why you wouldn't throw her $hit out on the lawn. See ya later babe! Adios!

Unless you don't have any self respect..

And hey is this bozo married himself? If so rat him out to his wife immediately.

Also see a divorce lawyer. And quit talking to your wife about her feelings. Really? Why the F would her feelings be important right now - she is the one cheating!

Tell her you don't want to wear a tshirt that says Plan B the rest of your life and you want a divorce. Get a lawyer. Make her earn her way back, if that is what you want later. Why are you the one groveling when she is a giant POS??? She should be worried about keeping you. Sure doesn't sound like it.

Time for being nice is over pal. Sooner you figure it out the better for you. Or you can keep believing the crap she is telling you. As if you can trust her to be honest now....

Good luck. F her.
 
#7 ·
Working on a marriage, even with marriage counseling, is pointless when one person is actively tearing it down by having a relationship with someone else. If your wife sees that she can pursue her affair partner while you are working on being a great husband and waiting for her, she will only continue in her affair and the marriage will continue to deteriorate. The marriage will never get better or heal while she has another man involved. He is literally between you.

I would recommend that you inform his wife immediately. That will help shut things down quickly. It is highly unlikely that he will continue on with your wife if his wife knows what's going on.

Begging her will make you look pathetic and weak. I'm really sorry, but that's the truth. She will see you as less than she already does if you do that. She'll also see that she's holding all the cards, which you don't want at all. Right now, she is the one who should be begging and pleading with you - willing to do anything you ask of her to resolve this.

One thing to keep in mind is that the woman you thought you could trust is not trustworthy. You will never be able to trust her again unless she gets to the bottom of what would allow her to violate basic moral principles and betray you. If she can't find that and correct it, she'll do it again.

Bottom line is that she makes a choice now - either stop all contact and work on resolving whatever has caused her to betray you or leave.
 
#8 ·
Hi all, I am a 33 year old male. My wife is 32 years old. We married in 2008 and have been together since 2004. We've faced pretty tough things over our time together. Lost our first house which was devastating but now live in a very nice home that were comfortable in. Throughout our time together it was found out that my wife was infertile, we never really planned for kids but it devastated her. I did maybe want kids one day but I assured her that I love her and would not be going anywhere. She has been my biggest supporter and best friend all of these years. We barely fought and have had a good marriage.

Yesterday my wife confessed something that turned everything upside down. She teaches a dance class for young/teenage girls and has informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened.

4 month EA with contact. Highly likely it's a physical affair. Cheaters lie a lot.

I thought I had it all, I have a nice life and a good job that I'm respected at, get along with everybody. I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.

Counciling in an active affair is worthless

I was at work earlier today, I just started to cry in my office. Looking at at the picture of her on my table. I feel like a destroyed/betrayed man. Someone must of heard and informed my boss, who talked with me personally and told me it is okay if I take a few days off.

So I'm at home, all I want to do is drown my thoughts in alcohol but I have read that it's not good. I will do anything to numb this pain. I posted in another section, but that is a divorce forum. Although there is a good possibility I will end up divorced :frown2:

Alcohol is the worst thing you can do!!!! You'd better wake up and take charge of our life. Letting a cheating wife decide your fate?
The best thing you can do right now is inform the other mans wife. Get to an attorney and see what your doing if hrs are.

Hard 180 no contact. Moping around drunk at this time just make you look weak when her other man stands tall. You need to wake up!!!!!!
 
#9 ·
So sorry to hear about your situation man. I was you in November except my wife's affair had gotten physical (to me, the emotional part with a woman is what is so concerning anyway). She fell in love with the other guy. We had the perfect life: great house, pool, luxury vehicles, travel, marriage that seemed happy for 9 years with no fights or complaints by her, etc. We also had no kids. My wife is 32 as well. Our counselor said that is a scary time for women because they are reassessing life and figuring out who they really are and what they want. She too had difficulty cutting ties with the other guy. He was married with 3 little kids in a state far away yet she eventually chose him last month. You will be hurting right now in the immediate aftermath. I remember feeling out of control and physically ill for a week. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. I too cried at work and just stayed home one day and cried. IT WILL GET BETTER!!! I kept my wife's affair a secret because I didn't want to ruin reconciliation. In hindsight, I wish I would have shared what happened with a few people I really trusted. It's hard to be alone right now with this info. We tried counseling too but my wife could not get over the other guy. We are in the middle of divorce proceedings right now. I started off wondering how I could live without my wife to now wondering how I could live with her knowing what she has done and how she hurt me. I'm 41 - you have the luxury of your whole life still ahead of you. I'm not one of these guys who says throw her stuff in the yard. BUT get your financial house in order and consider drafting a post-nuptial agreement (you can have a lawyer do it or find one online and tweak it). You can take advantage of her being in lala land and maybe get decent terms in case you do start divorce. Listen - you did nothing wrong to make her cheat. She is a weak person and if not this guy, it would have happened down the road. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed - you did nothing wrong! And take the time to be sad. This is devastating news but things will get better! Just hang in there and post on this board. My thread is called wife choosing other man - read my story and you will see similarities I bet. The times where I feel sad are few and far between now.
 
#13 ·
I kept my wife's affair a secret because I didn't want to ruin reconciliation. In hindsight, I wish I would have shared what happened with a few people I really trusted. It's hard to be alone right now with this info.
Do not keep the secrets of a cheater. This gives her a huge advantage in keeping her betrayal hidden. It is at your own peril to keep this to yourself. Tell anyone you want to. You're not the one who is acting like a jerk. You are not the one who is untrustworthy and mean. If she doesn't want people to see her that way, she should have thought of that before taking her love elsewhere. She made her life, don't reduce her consequences. That only makes matters worse.
 
#10 · (Edited)
She's lying.

A 4-month EA with someone that she sees on any sort of regular basis is a physical affair.

That is the absolute truth, so you might as well accept it.

So knowing that, if you're inclined to divorce, go for it.

If, however, you want to reconcile, here's how it has to go:

Either she cuts him off IMMEDIATELY AND COMPLETELY (which means that the daughter is removed from her class), or you file for divorce.

And that's it.

Anything less is a half-measure and WILL result in her leaving you for him anyway (even if she doesn't actually leave the house).

Also, if the guy is married, expose the affair to his wife.
 
#11 ·
Yesterday my wife confessed something that turned everything upside down. She teaches a dance class for young/teenage girls and has informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened.

I thought I had it all, I have a nice life and a good job that I'm respected at, get along with everybody. I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.
She's trying to decide what she wants? You don't have to sit around in limbo and wait for her though. If she's not immediately choosing you, going to counselling, and ending all contact with this guy including quitting her job, then she's already made a choice, and it isn't you. Do you really want a wife who only half wants to be with you? Do you really want a wife capable of lying to you and getting emotional and probably physical (she's a cheating liar, so you can't believe a word she says, including that nothing physical happened) with another guy? Do you really want a wife with no integrity? By not clearly choosing you, she's showing she doesn't want you but doesn't know how to tell you.

Here's some of the cost-benefit analysis going on in her mind.

Pros of Ddude23: good job, don't want to lose my nice house, all I've known (probably) since I was a teenager, don't want people to think I'm a cheater
Cons of Ddude23: boring, can't have kids with him, limerence has faded

Pros of dance-dad: good father, ready-made family, exciting, limerence going strong
Cons of dance-dad: none (maybe he's married, maybe he's low-income, who knows, but she's not thinking of that stuff)
 
#12 · (Edited)
If you want to save your marriage, here's what you need to do:

1. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair. you can download it to a kindle app on your iphone immediately.
2. Expose the affair to family, including the OM's wife. Ask for support in ending this affair. This is so your wife is unable to rewrite history and blame you for her behavior. When you expose, let everyone know you're asking for their support to keep your marriage together because you are devastated.
3. After OM ends his fun with your wife (because he will) and she realizes what she's done, she will likely want to reconcile with you. Only agree if she sends a no contact letter to the OM and finds away to never come into contact with him again (may require she quit teaching or he moves his daughter to another dance studio).
4. Expect full transparency from your wife- access to her devices, whereabouts, etc.
5. Demand a polygraph to find out the full extend of this affair.
6. Be the best husband you can be, focus on your children, eat right, exercise, try to get sleep. Take anti-anxiety meds if necessary to get through this.
7. If your wife does not do these things, see a lawyer and file for legal separation and full custody.
 
#18 ·
The secrecy aspect of it feeds the fantasy as well. They live in a little world they have created where there is no stress of having to work through any problems. It's a secret little fantasy world. Crash that world! Knock it down. lol
 
#22 · (Edited)
ddude23, read your situation. The other posters have given you good advice, but I'll stress that you make an appointment with a Dr. and get a prescription for antidepressants. You are only on the beginning of a very long ride with very low lows. I wish I had done it sooner when my H had an affair. It helps even out your emotions, but doesn't numb you. If you find you can't sleep, ask for a sleep-aid that doesn't make you groggy the next day. That combination does wonders to at least help you have a normal day/night cycle, and let your mind rest so you can face the problems that will inevitably face you in this situation.

Your wife has already chosen what she wants to do. Now it is your turn: either she stops seeing him immediately, with a no-contact letter, or she moves out.


Do not overlook the advice to let the other man's wife know what he has been up to while dropping off their daughter at dance class. It is not for vengeance, but to help end the affair, and help burst their fairy-tale bubble to bring them back to real life.
 
#69 ·
I think giving medical advice (ie telling someone to go on antidepressants when you're not a doctor and certainly aren't capable of diagnosing depression over the internet) is a dangerous game to play.

See your Doctor, by all means - but let them decide if anti-depressants are required. I was on antidepressants during my entire marriage, and got off of them when I left my cheating wife.
 
#23 ·
ddude23

Let me first say I am not saying to be violent, but it's time you go to dance class. When the OM arrives gently but firmly step between him and his daughter. Look him in the eye and quietly tell him to tell his daughter to continue on. Have a small but very firm chat with him that you will destroy his world legally if he continues contact with your wife. Tell him that rumors have been spreading about him and your wife amongst other parents. You are simply trying to protect your wife's reputation and it would be a shame if this somehow exploded to his family and employer. Tell him if it hits his family and employer it will also hit yours which is what you are protecting. If he says he doesn't know anything of what you are saying, tell him you sure hope so, but wouldn't bet on it.

Then tell your wife she decides now, no contact or its divorce. You must be willing to lose your marriage to save it. If she says she can't lose OM then she moves out NOW. With your days off work file for divorce. You can stop it at any time you decide. Have your wife served at work, tell her parents she is having an affair. Only shock and awe will bring her to rational thinking.

The other part is I would be at every dance class she has where OM's daughter is attending. Just tell OM to go ahead and discuss whatever it is that's bothering him with you present. Don't give that bastard one ounce of breathing room. At the same time don't give your wife any breathing room either. You are in a war ddude23, best you start to act like you are in one.
 
#25 ·
Someone mentioned getting soup and eating. It has completely passed my mind that I have not eaten anything today. I just ate something 20 minutes ago. She has told me the other guy is divorced, do not know if that is true or not. This truly was a punch to the gut I was not expecting. Good marriage. My head hurts so unbelievably bad. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow. I have been reading about all of this stuff. Not to beg and cry. Yesterday I was doing enough of that.
 
#27 ·
This is all pretty standard. Make sure you think about eating. Normally your body tells you, but at least for a while you will have to make a point to eat at certain times.

As far as your previous begging and crying, it's okay. That part is over now. Make her sleep out of your bedroom so you can be alone and cry without her hearing you. Get yourself together when you are around her. You don't have to talk to her at all once you give her the ultimatum.
 
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#26 ·
Honestly, if you are planning to save this marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. Take stock of your life with her and seriously consider what your life will be without her. Come to the realization that you can not only live without her, but you can THRIVE without her. Once you do that, you can really start to address this.

Women see weak men like a wolf sees a wounded fawn. Once you come to terms with losing her, put your damn foot down and tell her to cut contact or she moves out and starts the D process. There is no negotiating this and there is no waffling. No contact with him, or no contact with you. She has to choose right now or you will assume she chooses him and she can start packing that very night.

Oh, and it's only emotional? Yeah right...

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#30 ·
Hey man, it's going to take a few days for you to start seeing straight again. Take care of yourself and forget about your wife for the time.

Focus on you and pull yourself together. Get your feet back underneath you. If you want any chance at saving your marriage, it's time to be a man. If you let this beat you down, you will lose your wife. Pull yourself together.

The best way to do this is to find your anger, feed off it. Do not lose control and go off the handle with her. Stay calm and be clear with her.

She stops seeing the OM now. If not she can leave.

If she wants counseling, she stops seeing OM now. If not, no counseling and she can leave.

She is not to carry on in the affair and stay at the home. That is her basically flipping you off.

The only way she stays to work on the marriage is if she stops seeing the OM in any form. No more dance class for his kid.

If you don't pull yourself together and put you foot down, you will lose this.
 
#31 ·
I asked her if she is willing to cut him off completely, she told me she doesn't know if she can do that. Told me she thinks we can go to counseling. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.
I can tell you from experience and years of hindsight that you need to crush her notion that she has the ability to jerk you around by "deciding what she wants." A good way to do this is to swiftly and decisively blindside her with divorce papers. Be aware that she has already had sex with the guy and if you beg, plead and act weak it will just give you self loathing in the future when you will realize that you wouldn't have wanted her back anyway. BTDT

If per chance, it turns out you are one of the exceptional lucky ones who's marriage can be saved, you can always drop the divorce proceedings.
 
#32 ·
She has said it has not become physical in any sense. I'm told their relationship was strictly bound to texting or snap chatting. She has said she has developed "feelings". I'm not sure how this even started, I've feel like I have been hit by a freight train. No signs of unhappiness from her. For some reason I believe her... I don't know if I'm in denial about my wife with another man or what...
 
#33 ·
She has said it has not become physical in any sense. I'm told their relationship was strictly bound to texting or snap chatting. She has said she has developed "feelings". I'm not sure how this even started, I've feel like I have been hit by a freight train. No signs of unhappiness from her.
She's lying.
 
#35 · (Edited)
Mandatory reading. Looks like you bought a lemon. I posted this exact thing yesterday to a guy who had the same situation. This stuff all follows the same pattern. It seems to be human nature, unfortunately. Seems like now a days many people are not mature and honorable enough to have long term relationships. Loyalty seems to be lost of many people.

You are going to have to get very strong very quick, if you want to go through this with any success. If it was me I would just cut my losses. People like your wife are just not worth the effort. Do you really want to waste your time on someone so disloyal?

At the very least have her served. She needs consequences. But it may be that she is just broken. Most are.

Got to be honest here, the healthy reaction when your wife tells you this is to throw her out. That fact that you didn't do that shows why she was able to even think about doing this to you. I have to assume you have already established patterns in your relationship that shows you are willing to put up with her abuse. You need to change this and change it fast.

It's been months of her ****ting on you and everything you built with her. Why would you want to be someones consolation prize.
 
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#36 ·
Ddude, I want to impart a very simple philosophy for you to follow.

But first, yes, this sucks. It turns your whole world upside down. You didn't realize it, but you unwittingly entered the ring and have been dealt a potential knockout blow...by the one person in this world who was supposed to have your back. So...you can lay down, close your eyes, and wish for the whole thing to be over...Or you can drink a big glass of **** it, get back on your feet, and actually fight back.

Should you choose the latter, your approach should be this simple:

"Wife, you have broken our vows. I don't want to lose you, but what I want even less is to share you. I will not be a victim of infidelity. If you can't decide, then I will make the choice to leave you. I will file for divorce on X day, and will move on."

Then find out who the OM is. Don't believe a word she tells you about his marital status, or anything she says for that matter. Expose the affair to family and friends. Expose to the OM's family if he has one.

Blow...This...Thing...Up.

Oh, and Ddude? You can bank on the fact that it went physical.
 
#37 ·
My wife confessed something informed me that she's been having an emotional affair with one of the fathers of one of these girls. Told me she is confused and doesn't know if these feelings are real or not and if she should follow them. This has been going on for four months. Swearing nothing physical has happened. All while she still continues deciding what she wants.
Let me get this straight. Just talking to this guy has her to the point that she can’t decide between the great life you have with her and the OM? He must be quite a talker.
She has seen how miserable you have been for four months and can’t decide between the two of you? She must love you very much.

She has you for security and the OM for excitement. Why would she ever give that up if she wasn’t forced to? The OM is single. The best way to keep her is to tell her that the OM can have her.
 
#40 ·
After my first fiancee and then the girlfriend after her, cheated on me, I stopped trying to be Mr. Nice Guy and let the female have her way. I am a very alpha male who thought that women felt that alpha males were dumb jocks or jerks. Once I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't, I had a lot of girlfriends who never cheated on me. I am married 44 years. One day my wife told me that she had feelings for someone else. I was expecting it to be a guy but it was a woman. She said that she only fantasizes about women and in particular, her best friend. She also said that she was conflicted and did not want to cheat. We found a solution that would not work if she had feelings for another guy. Long story short, we shared her girlfriend for most of our marriage.

We got a double whammy on the sterile side. Both of us are sterile so we never had kids. We do not mind because we had a lot of extra time and money to spoil ourselves and have a great lifestyle. From what we saw, having a kid sometimes drastically changes the relationship between husband and wife. You cannot miss what you never had.

The problem is that our emotions are governed by our brain and we feel what we feel due to a release of feel good hormones. No one knows why we are attracted to certain people and not others but once it happens, you cannot will the feelings to go away. They are either there or not. Even if your wife stops seeing the guy, her feelings will linger and perhaps make her unhappy in her marriage. You are in a difficult situation and perhaps she feels that she cannot share her emotions with you, which is why she feels that she has to go to someone else.

Men know that guys will do whatever it takes to have sex with a woman, even lending a sympathetic ear. So you have a real problem on your hands that you have to handle or let it play out. The problem with feelings is that it makes you overlook the other person's faults and only see the good. You want to be with that person as much as possible even if it means hurting someone else. That is why your wife is conflicted. Perhaps you are like me and not a very emotional person. That is one big reason why my wife needs a woman in her life. I am very logical and think with my brain. My wife thinks with her heart which I think is illogical. :) The fact that your wife told you can mean two things. She could truly be conflicted and hope that by telling you, you will do something to stop her from having feelings for the other guy. You might suggest that she teaches dance for another company because things are not going to get better as long as she keeps seeing that guy.

The other thing could be is that she is letting you down easy so when she leaves you, it is not a big surprise and shock. I know how your wife feels because I once fell in love with one of the women I dated during my marriage. We obviously were nonmonogamous. I did not even like the other women much but I fell in love with her and could not stay away from her. I left my wife for a month until I came to my senses but even then, my love did not just go away because I wanted it to. The final solution for us was to move away and we did. That solved the problem. I got a job in another city as did my wife. We moved around a lot anyway for my business but this was one of two relocations we did to solve a problem in our marriage.

People do get addicted to other people and even though they know the sever consequences, will continue to see that other person. I know it first hand and have seen it with others. I wish you luck and perhaps you can examine your relationship and find a way to fix this problem.
 
#41 ·
DDude,

I'm late to this unfortunate party, and you have gotten some good advice, which you really do not want to listen to. Not unusual at all. You are playing what is called the "pick me game", and you are in big time denial.

Now maybe Im not being nice, but I am trying to help you. Your wife is CHEATING on you, and after 4 months of sexting and texting you can bet your 401K that if he is dovirced as she says that she has hooked up with him, probably more than once. You sure she is teaching dancing all tghe time? Any times shes arriving home late of "going out with girlfriends???

Now you can sit there and let her basically continue to tell you that she is going to continue with this OM until she decides what she wants, OR you can do something to knock her ass off the fence and get some truthful information. Should you choose the first option, all the guys and gals here will still support you when you find out she is banging this guy regularly and that you feel foolish for not making any attempt to intervene. Like I said, the "pick me game" does not work out well for you.

So far , maybe I missed it, she has NOT committed not have you demanded she stop doing whatever she says she is doing with this OM. Apparently, she has told you that until she makes up her mind you are in an open marriage not of your choosing. Does that sound like fun?? If not, keep reading.

(1) get a VAR and put it in her car. The tech experts here will tell you exactly what to buy and how to use it. You will find out in less than a few days what they are saying ( unfortunately for you in great detail but the truth), who else knows ( probably at least one of her girlfriends), and what she has told him now that she is caught. Most likely that they now have to go underground and be more careful. That is because so far you have not imposed any consequences at all so while you are at work tomorrow she will be texting him.
(2) get to an attorney and find out what your rights are. That does not mean you are getting immediately divorced.
(3) tell her that YOU are not sharing your wife and that she is not keeping you in limbo while she explores her feelings. By the way, what does exploring her feeling mean. It means she is going to keep banging him and if it does not work out you will be waiting in her mind. Until she believes that that is not an option, she will not stop.
(4) if you go to the dance studio, bring a witness. You do not want to wind up in jail. Personally, your wife is your problem and I would not go there. He just wants to get laid, and she is the willing participant.
(5) She has told you she has not been physical with him. That is most likely a lie. You tell her that you do not believe her and that she can take a polygraph to prove that if she wants to stay married. She will refuse that immediately, get mad, and that will give you your answer as to it not being physical.

And lastly, you DO NOT go to therapy with an ACTIVE cheater, which is what she is now and if you believe a word of what she is telling you, you will be on this forum a long long time. And you do not send her to IC for her problem. The chances are she will be told not to give you the truth because it will "hurt" you more, and she will most likely give the therapist her version of your marriage. YOU ONLY DO THERAPY WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE COMPLETE TRUTH, which you do not.

You option is to ignore all of the above, and if you do that, good luck. You may need it.
 
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