Three month ago a found out that my husband had an affair. This is was devastating to me, I was shocked and didn't know how to react and what to do. He said that he is sorry for hurting me, but he needed to do that for him because he felt unappreciated. We been together for almost 12 years and we have a child. I always taking care of our child 100%, all house chores is on me also even moving a furniture. When we moved I was the one to pack everything, during that time I was in a full time program from 8-3, 5 days a week with internship and part time job, and i had to take care of my kid. That time he left for a 4 month and didn't help me with move at all. When we moved to our new house I was the one how had to unpack everything. All day I take care of the house chores, our kid and my school I don't have time even for my self! All he does is going to work (for 8 hours) and spends at the gym 2-3 hr a day! When I ask him for a help he is going to find a way not to do it, or will do something very minimal. So how in the world do you feel unappreciated!!!
I asked him to get STD tests and go to marriage counselor, because I didn't know what else to do. Next day he said that he is willing to do all i asked if i will sign post-nap, I told him that I will not sign anything, he got very mad and told me that he is giving me a second chance and that STD test, MC and live with me is very inconvenient for him. Hearing all that was very painful and i was so stressed that i couldn't sleep for a few days. For almost two month, he mentioned the post nap agreement every day, and some other options that he come up with, such us divorce, separations etc. Fro two month all he talked about is how he is afraid to lose his money and that he will have to support me for the rest of his live if we will get divorced, he never said that he is afraid to lose me and his child!!!! Every day he was causing me such an emotional pain that I cant even describe, because of all that stress I lost 18lbp in 4 weeks its crazy. I told him if that's what is important to you and I don't make you happy than we have to go our separate ways, so he offered to go to mediator and get divorced. I told him that I don't trust him and would like to have a consultation with a lawyer, because he went to a lawyer already and it will be fair if I will also go to see one. He was very upset and told me that i was a very bad person. I wasn't is a rush to see one, so I still didn't talked to a lawyer, that is not my priority. But since we had that talk he stopped bringing up post nap etc. He said that he wants to fix sings up. But I don't believe him, he still gets agree when i ask him about his work schedule, or when i look at his phone ( he always looks at mine and i don't mind it, he also has looks at my emails) He doesn't try to spend more time together, when he has a day off he starts a fight and leaves, I feel like he is just trying to find a reason to leave. But my main concern is that i don't trust him anymore, everything he is telling me i automatically consider a lie. I cant get over a fact the he had an affair and obviously he had some feelings for her. He told me that he wanted to hire her as a live in nanny for our kid, and how sweet and nice she is. I told him that a nice and good women don't sleep with a married man who has a family with a kids, and i called her a bad name ( i know it's snot nice, but i was so angry and in so much pain from it that i could not resist,) and he got very defensive!
I feel like our marriage is over, and there is no more feeling for each other. I honestly don't know any more what I feel except feeling betrayed and stabbed in the back by the person you loved more than anything in the world. I don't know how to forget and forgive him and I have no idea how to trust him again. Maybe it because he was my first love and the only man I've ever dated?maybe that's why i am so confused and don't know what to do?Can anyone please give me some kind of advise? thank you.
Sorry you are going through so much. Your WH is trying to bully you into rug sweeping and not causing any issues for him. It is very likely he is still involved in the affair. It sounds like you might be of different nationalities? and this is not your home country?
You have to get ahead of him on this. YOu cannot trust a man who shows no remorse and is more interested in his money and his OW
1. You go to the lawyer, do not tell him anything about our plans. Find out how you would fare if you divorce, get the papers drawn up.
2. Confide in a good friend or sibling. Tell all your family and friends what he has done (affair) and what he has been doing, the pressure to have a post nup, the gas lighting about where he is etc. Expose him, you have nothing to lose
3 If possible, consider getting a job outside of the home so that you can become financially independent
4. Start taking better care of yourself, go to gym, eat, sleep well, do not tell him where you are going, who you are going with etc. He does not accord you the same respect, therefore you owe him nothing at this point
5. Do the 180 on him so that you can emotionally detach from this man who is not worthy to be your H. Any man who suggests making his OW the in house nanny is a nasty piece of work. Tell your family and friends about this too, let everyone know what he is suggesting. He needs to be shamed into reality.
6. Start getting all your ducks in a row to leave him.