I don't trust my husband anymore. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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I don't trust my husband anymore.

Three month ago a found out that my husband had an affair. This is was devastating to me, I was shocked and didn't know how to react and what to do. He said that he is sorry for hurting me, but he needed to do that for him because he felt unappreciated. We been together for almost 12 years and we have a child. I always taking care of our child 100%, all house chores is on me also even moving a furniture. When we moved I was the one to pack everything, during that time I was in a full time program from 8-3, 5 days a week with internship and part time job, and i had to take care of my kid. That time he left for a 4 month and didn't help me with move at all. When we moved to our new house I was the one how had to unpack everything. All day I take care of the house chores, our kid and my school I don't have time even for my self! All he does is going to work (for 8 hours) and spends at the gym 2-3 hr a day! When I ask him for a help he is going to find a way not to do it, or will do something very minimal. So how in the world do you feel unappreciated!!!
I asked him to get STD tests and go to marriage counselor, because I didn't know what else to do. Next day he said that he is willing to do all i asked if i will sign post-nap, I told him that I will not sign anything, he got very mad and told me that he is giving me a second chance and that STD test, MC and live with me is very inconvenient for him. Hearing all that was very painful and i was so stressed that i couldn't sleep for a few days. For almost two month, he mentioned the post nap agreement every day, and some other options that he come up with, such us divorce, separations etc. Fro two month all he talked about is how he is afraid to lose his money and that he will have to support me for the rest of his live if we will get divorced, he never said that he is afraid to lose me and his child!!!! Every day he was causing me such an emotional pain that I cant even describe, because of all that stress I lost 18lbp in 4 weeks its crazy. I told him if that's what is important to you and I don't make you happy than we have to go our separate ways, so he offered to go to mediator and get divorced. I told him that I don't trust him and would like to have a consultation with a lawyer, because he went to a lawyer already and it will be fair if I will also go to see one. He was very upset and told me that i was a very bad person. I wasn't is a rush to see one, so I still didn't talked to a lawyer, that is not my priority. But since we had that talk he stopped bringing up post nap etc. He said that he wants to fix sings up. But I don't believe him, he still gets agree when i ask him about his work schedule, or when i look at his phone ( he always looks at mine and i don't mind it, he also has looks at my emails) He doesn't try to spend more time together, when he has a day off he starts a fight and leaves, I feel like he is just trying to find a reason to leave. But my main concern is that i don't trust him anymore, everything he is telling me i automatically consider a lie. I cant get over a fact the he had an affair and obviously he had some feelings for her. He told me that he wanted to hire her as a live in nanny for our kid, and how sweet and nice she is. I told him that a nice and good women don't sleep with a married man who has a family with a kids, and i called her a bad name ( i know it's snot nice, but i was so angry and in so much pain from it that i could not resist,) and he got very defensive!
I feel like our marriage is over, and there is no more feeling for each other. I honestly don't know any more what I feel except feeling betrayed and stabbed in the back by the person you loved more than anything in the world. I don't know how to forget and forgive him and I have no idea how to trust him again. Maybe it because he was my first love and the only man I've ever dated?maybe that's why i am so confused and don't know what to do?Can anyone please give me some kind of advise? thank you.

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 01:59 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

You are right to feel like he betrayed you and stabbed you in the back... because he did. And he continues to do it.

What does he want to put in the post-nuptial agreement? He says he is giving you another chance? That's not how it works. Since he cheated, you are the one who has to decide if you will give him another chance.

You can get a lawyer without his permission. If you do not have access to money, you can ask the attorney to get the court to make him pay for your lawyer out of marital assets.

Everything the two of you earn is considered marital income. You have as much right to it as he does. Do you have access to the money that the two of you have?

How much longer until you earn your degree?

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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

He wants to do 50/50, but without his retirement. I don't have an access to all of our assets and he has numerous accounts. Ill be finishing my degree in few years.
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:31 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

There is a saying that if someone keeps stabbing you in the back then stop handing them the knife.This guy sounds like a psycho and do you really want him around your child.A postnup agreement is to protect you and your interests,it is a way to ensure that he stays faithful and doesn't mistreat you.Go and see a lawyer and find out about getting him to leave or else leave yourself,there may be shelters you can live in temporarily.You need to get away from him one way or another.
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:58 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelA View Post
Three month ago a found out that my husband had an affair. This is was devastating to me, I was shocked and didn't know how to react and what to do. He said that he is sorry for hurting me, but he needed to do that for him because he felt unappreciated. We been together for almost 12 years and we have a child. I always taking care of our child 100%, all house chores is on me also even moving a furniture. When we moved I was the one to pack everything, during that time I was in a full time program from 8-3, 5 days a week with internship and part time job, and i had to take care of my kid. That time he left for a 4 month and didn't help me with move at all. When we moved to our new house I was the one how had to unpack everything. All day I take care of the house chores, our kid and my school I don't have time even for my self! All he does is going to work (for 8 hours) and spends at the gym 2-3 hr a day! When I ask him for a help he is going to find a way not to do it, or will do something very minimal. So how in the world do you feel unappreciated!!!
I asked him to get STD tests and go to marriage counselor, because I didn't know what else to do. Next day he said that he is willing to do all i asked if i will sign post-nap, I told him that I will not sign anything, he got very mad and told me that he is giving me a second chance and that STD test, MC and live with me is very inconvenient for him. Hearing all that was very painful and i was so stressed that i couldn't sleep for a few days. For almost two month, he mentioned the post nap agreement every day, and some other options that he come up with, such us divorce, separations etc. Fro two month all he talked about is how he is afraid to lose his money and that he will have to support me for the rest of his live if we will get divorced, he never said that he is afraid to lose me and his child!!!! Every day he was causing me such an emotional pain that I cant even describe, because of all that stress I lost 18lbp in 4 weeks its crazy. I told him if that's what is important to you and I don't make you happy than we have to go our separate ways, so he offered to go to mediator and get divorced. I told him that I don't trust him and would like to have a consultation with a lawyer, because he went to a lawyer already and it will be fair if I will also go to see one. He was very upset and told me that i was a very bad person. I wasn't is a rush to see one, so I still didn't talked to a lawyer, that is not my priority. But since we had that talk he stopped bringing up post nap etc. He said that he wants to fix sings up. But I don't believe him, he still gets agree when i ask him about his work schedule, or when i look at his phone ( he always looks at mine and i don't mind it, he also has looks at my emails) He doesn't try to spend more time together, when he has a day off he starts a fight and leaves, I feel like he is just trying to find a reason to leave. But my main concern is that i don't trust him anymore, everything he is telling me i automatically consider a lie. I cant get over a fact the he had an affair and obviously he had some feelings for her. He told me that he wanted to hire her as a live in nanny for our kid, and how sweet and nice she is. I told him that a nice and good women don't sleep with a married man who has a family with a kids, and i called her a bad name ( i know it's snot nice, but i was so angry and in so much pain from it that i could not resist,) and he got very defensive!
I feel like our marriage is over, and there is no more feeling for each other. I honestly don't know any more what I feel except feeling betrayed and stabbed in the back by the person you loved more than anything in the world. I don't know how to forget and forgive him and I have no idea how to trust him again. Maybe it because he was my first love and the only man I've ever dated?maybe that's why i am so confused and don't know what to do?Can anyone please give me some kind of advise? thank you.
Sorry you are going through so much. Your WH is trying to bully you into rug sweeping and not causing any issues for him. It is very likely he is still involved in the affair. It sounds like you might be of different nationalities? and this is not your home country?

You have to get ahead of him on this. YOu cannot trust a man who shows no remorse and is more interested in his money and his OW

1. You go to the lawyer, do not tell him anything about our plans. Find out how you would fare if you divorce, get the papers drawn up.
2. Confide in a good friend or sibling. Tell all your family and friends what he has done (affair) and what he has been doing, the pressure to have a post nup, the gas lighting about where he is etc. Expose him, you have nothing to lose
3 If possible, consider getting a job outside of the home so that you can become financially independent
4. Start taking better care of yourself, go to gym, eat, sleep well, do not tell him where you are going, who you are going with etc. He does not accord you the same respect, therefore you owe him nothing at this point
5. Do the 180 on him so that you can emotionally detach from this man who is not worthy to be your H. Any man who suggests making his OW the in house nanny is a nasty piece of work. Tell your family and friends about this too, let everyone know what he is suggesting. He needs to be shamed into reality.

6. Start getting all your ducks in a row to leave him.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 04:18 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this horrible situation.
You have good reason to not trust your husband. Your husband has proven he is not trust worthy at this time.

Knowledge is power and will help you make good decisions concerning your situation. I strongly urge you to seek knowledge. Consult with a lawyer, or several if they do free consultations to find out what your rights are in the place you live. Find out what you need to do to protect your rights concerning all of the marital assets you are entitled too.

I agree with other posters that you need to build a support group with family members and friends who can help you protect yourself. Tell them everything that is going on, so they can help you and provide you the support you need.

Fear of the unknown future can be paralyzing and keep you stuck in uncertainty. Get the knowledge and support you need so you can move forward in making wise choices concerning your marriage and you and your child's future. Don't trust anything your husband tells you at this point. He is showing you that he clearly does not have your best interest upper most in his mind. You will have to protect yourself and your child. With legal knowledge and support from others, you can create the protection you need.

I know you are hurt and in a lot of emotional pain right now - but be strong and do what you have to do for yourself and your child. Good Luck!

Oh - and about a pre-nup, tell him too late - you are already married and he will have to give you everything he owes you and you are entitled to if the marriage ends! End of discussion!!
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

He's still cheating.

Don't say another word about or respond to another comment regarding a post-nup.

Instead, get your own lawyer and file for divorce ASAP.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 07:36 AM
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Please see an attorney before signing anything! He has realized quicker than others that you know and maybe leave him and take him for everything he has.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

Your husband is obviously looking for an exit affair and may have found one. But if this one doesn't stick, he'll keep trying. He's attempting to manipulate you to lessen his financial burden whenever it happens. All the while he's insulting your intelligence and profoundly disrespecting you in the process.

In other words, sorry, but he's a POS.

Get to a divorce lawyer yesterday. Beat him to the punch. Don't tell him what you're doing until you make an exit plan with your attorney.

Then implement the 180 to detach, and separate him from your bedroom.

Take his @ss to the cleaners, begin your new life, and don't look back.

Sorry you're here.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

I wouldn't trust your husband, either. He behaves horribly (has an affair), and then he tries to blame you for his crappy behavior? And he's telling you that YOU are a bad person? That's gaslighting, which is emotional/psychological abuse.

Aw, hell no!

Say no to a post-nup, and get thee to a lawyer right away and file. Get a lawyer who will clean up for you. Normally, I would say, be fair in your dealings, keep it civil, blah blah blah, but he's already trying to screw you with that post-nup. He doesn't deserve fair when he tries something like that. Sorry, not sorry.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

DO NOT sign anything and get a lawyer ASAP.


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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:24 PM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

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Originally Posted by RachelA View Post
He wants to do 50/50, but without his retirement. I don't have an access to all of our assets and he has numerous accounts. Ill be finishing my degree in few years.
What state do you live in?

By law, you already get 50/50 on assets. It does not matter if you have access to all of the assets right now. Your attorney will get you access to them. If at all possible, start collecting information about what all your assets are, the account number, name/address of the bank/company that they are with, the balances, etc.

You have the right to 50% of his retirement from the years you were married to him. Don't sign that away.

Get a lawyer and divorce him. You will get 50% of everything and support during the divorce and at the very least rehabilitative support until you are done with your degree. He knows this and is trying to bully you to sign always all your rights so he can dump you on the street and keep everything.

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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

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He wants to do 50/50, but without his retirement. I don't have an access to all of our assets and he has numerous accounts. Ill be finishing my degree in few years.
It's not his retirement. At least, not any part of it that was from contributions made during the marriage along with interest on those contributions.

You may not have access to his accounts but as long as you know they exist, such as the name of the bank or investment company, it will give your attorney something to work with.

You need to play it cool while you start fact finding. Your marriage is over, there's not much you can do about that but you can take steps now to make sure you're in good financial shape when it's all over. Even if you don't care about doing it for yourself, do it for your children. He's already made it clear he's not all that interested in their needs.

You might want to get divorced before you get your degree. In some areas a "value" and earning potential can be attached to that degree and that might be favorable to him at divorce settlement.

I know this is a lot to handle. Just start assimilating and start thinking about a plan of action. What you do now can make a big difference later.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

Divorce this jerk, who is preparing to rob you with legal paperwork. Play nice for a week while you gather as much information about his accounts and their current balances. Find a lawyer on your own--one who has no relationship with your husband. File for divorce, demanding 50% of everything, including his retirement, plus custody of the child you raised. He can get a pre-nup with his next wife, if some woman is foolish enough to marry him.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: I don't trust my husband anymore.

Rachel, how are you?
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