OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Share your ideas even now. Why not? Better to talk about a new direction than this old stuff that you want to stop doing.

I think you need to tell your wife that you need to do something with her, you need to connect with her more. And one of the best ways to do it is for you two to have a hobby that you learn together and do together.

If you like the idea of scuba diving, tell her about it. If you like the idea of dancing, tell her.

Shoot dancing would be a blast (if you like dancing) because there are dance conventions and completions all over the country and world. So you two could mix travel with that.

Ask her what she would like to do with you and don't let her say nothing. Do not accept that.
I will be back tomorrow I'm on the East coast its 2AM LOL! I'm glad you stopped barking at me, thats a relive! and...thank you for your support.

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post #137 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 03:16 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I'm very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I know it can be terribly confusing when you find yourself doing things you would have morally condemned in the past, and not being entirely sure why you find yourself unable to stop. I must echo everyone else's advice that you should step back from these girls.

Examine how you feel when you talk to them and compassionately try to give yourself the validation and happiness that you get from them. Although what you've done is wrong, try not to be too hard on yourself. Self condemnation is counterproductive because you might end up turning to destructive behaviors to assuage your guilt, leading to a vicious cycle of guilt-affair-guilt. It would be much better to try and find what you're seeking from these girls and give it to yourself. Be gentle with yourself during this confusing time. Try to eat and sleep on a regular schedule and set aside time for compassionate self-reflection, as well as relaxing self-care activities.

As much as you're going to be "barked at" and shamed, you must try not to absorb any self-hatred. Glean whatever practical advice and honest personal insight you can from the criticism, but don't let them grind your self-esteem into the dust. Try not to call yourself names; you have made terrible decisions but you are not a bad person, or pathetic or stupid or whatever else. Nobody has ever hated themselves into a better person.

Best of luck.


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post #138 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:32 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Yes I have my ring. Always. Yeah I know, thats why I wanna stop. Women love it, I love it...it can only lead to disaster. Nvertheless...this is how it goes. EleGirl asked me to be specific, so there it is.
So what sort of women are they who will willingly meet up with a married man?
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post #139 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 04:58 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I'm very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I know it can be terribly confusing when you find yourself doing things you would have morally condemned in the past, and not being entirely sure why you find yourself unable to stop. I must echo everyone else's advice that you should step back from these girls.

Examine how you feel when you talk to them and compassionately try to give yourself the validation and happiness that you get from them. Although what you've done is wrong, try not to be too hard on yourself. Self condemnation is counterproductive because you might end up turning to destructive behaviors to assuage your guilt, leading to a vicious cycle of guilt-affair-guilt. It would be much better to try and find what you're seeking from these girls and give it to yourself. Be gentle with yourself during this confusing time. Try to eat and sleep on a regular schedule and set aside time for compassionate self-reflection, as well as relaxing self-care activities.

As much as you're going to be "barked at" and shamed, you must try not to absorb any self-hatred. Glean whatever practical advice and honest personal insight you can from the criticism, but don't let them grind your self-esteem into the dust. Try not to call yourself names; you have made terrible decisions but you are not a bad person, or pathetic or stupid or whatever else. Nobody has ever hated themselves into a better person.

Best of luck.
Very well said. You are a very wise woman. Your words even help me (although in a different situation).

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post #140 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:33 AM
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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I get it just fine. I'm suggesting that he take a step back from 'stroking his ego' here because he's ruining his marriage. The energy he's putting into 'stroking his ego' by trolling for sex needs to go somewhere else or one of the other things that men take pride in, creating a family, will be worth nothing.


Ok let me take one of your society accepting suggestions for stroking his ego. Needless to say if you told the big brother organization that you were participating in the program to stroke your ego more than likely they would want nothing to do with you. They don't want narcissist or sex addicts being big brothers. Totally the wrong reason to volunteer his time and would not help because the things this man is going through is more about self control that stroking his ego.

Would you want this person being a mentor to a child of yours if they were in this situation?

I shouldn't have threadjacked.

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post #141 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post

As much as you're going to be "barked at" and shamed, you must try not to absorb any self-hatred. Glean whatever practical advice and honest personal insight you can from the criticism, but don't let them grind your self-esteem into the dust. Try not to call yourself names; you have made terrible decisions but you are not a bad person, or pathetic or stupid or whatever else. Nobody has ever hated themselves into a better person.

Best of luck.
Thank you darling, I really appreciate, omg you are such an ancient soul! There was only one person here that "barked" at me but we got that sorted out now. She is actually pretty sweet and offers lots of help. Who knew!

I should have said this earlier but I'm as seductive and sexual with my wife as I am with these girls, well, with my wife we actually act on it much more deeply. I touch my wife "inappropriately" all the times, even in public. She has gotten used to it now and enjoys it a lot. She and I are good friends, and I cherish her and protect her in every possible way, leaving her free to do and experience whatever she wants. I told her many times that if I dont satisfy her at some point she CAN have a boyfriend as long as she stays with me. She just laughs, and says "no". But really we dont have issues. This is not a classic situation where the husband and wife fight like crazy all day long, hate each other but cannot get a divorce because of the kids, so he goes out ad has sex with other women. My situation is quiet the opposite.
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post #142 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Ok let me take one of your society accepting suggestions for stroking his ego. Needless to say if you told the big brother organization that you were participating in the program to stroke your ego more than likely they would want nothing to do with you. They don't want narcissist being big brothers. Totally the wrong reason to volunteer his time and would not help because the things this man is going through is more about self control that stroking his ego.

Would you want this person being a mentor to a child of yours if they were in this situation?

I shouldn't have threadjacked.
Exactly my thoughts about volunteering: I would just use it as a pretext to talk to women. As a matter of fact I almost started vlunteer at a local shelter, but seen the enormous amount of cute young women I thouhgt it would be a bad idea!

We went to a shelter and there was a special room where they had like 30 kittens. Wife and I love cats so we just sat on the floor and played with them...WITH OTHER 4 YOUNG GIRLS. Needless to say I was looking more at the girls than the kittens.
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post #143 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:11 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Exactly my thoughts about volunteering: I would just use it as a pretext to talk to women. As a matter of fact I almost started vlunteer at a local shelter, but seen the enormous amount of cute young women I thouhgt it would be a bad idea!

We went to a shelter and there was a special room where they had like 30 kittens. Wife and I love cats so we just sat on the floor and played with them...WITH OTHER 4 YOUNG GIRLS. Needless to say I was looking more at the girls than the kittens.
Listen you have reached the age where your afraid your over the hill and nobody would want you. Your probably bored in your marriage and looking to get that feeling back of courtship back you felt when you and your wife first met. You have reached your goals for business, you have money now and you've realized that career is an empty goal, its mostly just a means to get money. I have been there. Try to revive those feelings with your wife. I am not sure how I did it but I did. She thought I was crazy at first, but she has realized its for real.

You have to realize that your not going to have happiness pursuing what your doing. It feels great at first, but the consequences are devastating. Go get some IC and let them work you through it.

I think I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens.
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post #144 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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So what sort of women are they who will willingly meet up with a married man?
Diana that is an excellent point: I can go in really deep details with you about this. Over the years I discovered how this works.

Surprisingly it's not the women or their kind that matters. They dont do anything to provoke this, they even resist this many times. Let me give you an example.

Lets say you like shoes. You are walking down the street thinking whatever thoughts you are thinking, preoccupations, angers and pleasantries, and you are walking by this really nicely lit window with a pair of shoes in it that have never noticed before. (metaphorically the shoes being me).

You go past the window but you stop and go back to look at the shoes, and start thinking that you really like them! The color is right, the shape is soooo sexy, you know you would look super good in them, price is ok. So now you are pondering, and while you do that, you experience several emotions inside you. While you CAN stop yourself from buying them, you CANNOT stop your emotions about the shoes.
Thats seduction at it best.

Now when I talk to these women, they have no idea what am I doing. They think I'm just a funny easy going guy talking to them, (when I'm at the mall almost all of them ask me where do I work at the mall, cause I look like I'm on break trying to have some fun) like the shoes, they were just sitting there...nothing special. Then I lead the conversation, the tone, the body language (like color shape and style of the shoes) and most of the times women just react to that with emotions. Could be a student, a single mother, a bystander trying not to spill coffee on herself lol it doesnt really matter. People in general (guys too!!!) respond emotionally to you IF you know what to say and how to say it.

They might notice the ring or not, but there is nothing wrong in being married and make casual conversation with a stranger, right? This is diabolic because we all know I'm not just making conversation, I'm trying to elicit those emotions inside a woman so that she will be drawn to me. And it works, even too well. I have very strict rules about who NOT to talk to for this very same reason.

I do have some personal statistics about how different age groups respond, different settings respond (IE mothers with kids or singe women, their preference in clothing even political orientation)

At the end of the day I have no agenda. Its a game I love to play, and we both always win. I get my thrill, she gets a cute guy that came out of nowhere talking to her with respect, love, admiration fun and laughter. She feels all those emotions that hes not felt since high school and will probably use them and remember them next time she has sex.

Oh and I tell my wife about many of these interaction!!! She thinks it's hilarious mostly because my renewed social skills allow her to kind of show me off around her friends and family who have boring, socially incapable partners or husbands and some even abusive. My wifes friends always tell her that she is super lucky to have found me...they all wish they had a husband like me. (ego boost...)
We are going to a birthday party with her friend on Sat. Cant wait!
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post #145 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Listen you have reached the age where your afraid your over the hill and nobody would want you. Your probably bored in your marriage and looking to get that feeling back of courtship back you felt when you and your wife first met. You have reached your goals for business, you have money now and you've realized that career is an empty goal, its mostly just a means to get money. I have been there. Try to revive those feelings with your wife. I am not sure how I did it but I did. She thought I was crazy at first, but she has realized its for real.

You have to realize that your not going to have happiness pursuing what your doing. It feels great at first, but the consequences are devastating. Go get some IC and let them work you through it.
Yes thats pretty much whats happeneing to me except I disagree with the "nobody would want you". Maybe you felt about yourself like that when you were going through the same thing. No matter who you are, how old, over the hump (what does that mean???) people will love you. I have this proven.

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post #146 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

If your wife knows what you're doing, what you're saying and to whom you're doing and saying it, there is no infidelity. Myself, I'm bisexual, and I openly ogle beautiful women all the time with my husband's permission. He and I have a "look but don't touch" rule when it comes to other women, one we both are happy to follow. Not all marriages have to be 100% monogamous, as long as both partners have informed consent. If you do have that consent, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, and I congratulate you on your loving, accepting, and honest marriage.


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post #147 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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If your wife knows what you're doing, what you're saying and to whom you're doing and saying it, there is no infidelity. Myself, I'm bisexual, and I openly ogle beautiful women all the time with my husband's permission. He and I have a "look but don't touch" rule when it comes to other women, one we both are happy to follow. Not all marriages have to be 100% monogamous, as long as both partners have informed consent. If you do have that consent, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, and I congratulate you on your loving, accepting, and honest marriage.
My wife "kind of knows". She knows I love to talk to strangers, to women in particular, that I get texts from women once in a while but when she reads them they are not sexual. She knows about that lady at the gym who is 38 and has 2 kids in college and I talk to her because she is pretty much the only one at the gym that's not all stuck up. She knows about S. from our favorite restaurant that after confiding her secret crush on her landlord to me now doesnt speak to me for some mysterious reason (shame of being too open with a customer?).
She knows most of it, and yes I hid some of it when things gets too heated or I get a crush on one of these ladies. It only happened twice, and it's under control.

When I put my colone on I tell her: "I'm putting this one on cause I know you like it....and for all the ladies out there too, you know ladies like a clean guy". She nods and smiles "Mmmmmhh".
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post #148 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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He and I have a "look but don't touch" rule when it comes to other women, one we both are happy to follow. Not all marriages have to be 100% monogamous, as long as both partners have informed consent. If you do have that consent, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, and I congratulate you on your loving, accepting, and honest marriage.
Is your husband free to talk to other women even with sexual connotations? How about you talking to other men? Does this rule apply for all possible combinations? Just curious.
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post #149 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Is your husband free to talk to other women even with sexual connotations? How about you talking to other men? Does thips rule apply for all possible combinations? Just curious.
No, in fact neither of us are free to flirt with either gender. But some married people consider pornography cheating or consider pointing out a hot woman to their spouse to be, bare minimum, in bad taste. We do not.

You will end up feeling a lot better about yourself if you come clean to your wife about all of the parts of your activities that you've been hiding.


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post #150 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 08:03 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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They probably would have just enjoyed a talk with anyone who was pleasant. I talk to a lot of people when I am out in shopping, etc. I enjoy the social interaction. It certainly does not require either of us size up each other's every move, that we have a script, it's just natural.

You are bored. You are lonely. You have won the jackpot and now don't know what to do with yourself.

You know what you need? Some hobbies that do not entail you conning people like that. Do something like take up scuba diving, it will occupy your mind to learn something new. Maybe your wife could join you. I have some friends who did this years ago. Since then they have taken a few vacations a year together to scuba dive all over the world. They have bought expensive cameras and have the most amazing videos to show when they return.

OR go out and find a cause that helps people. Someone mentioned teaching literacy, or English as a second language. Start a non-profit that uses your talents to help people in need.

Use that energy for something constructive. You want to get real admiration? Do something useful with your time instead of coning window sales girls.
I wasnt talking about people just being friendly. I will chat to anyone, but I don't flirt or respond to a man flirting, or meet up with a man for a date.

In the end its his choice. Stop what he is doing or loose his marriage.
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