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post #16 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:50 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
I honestly doubt that he will care enough to change. It seems that he is out to seek thrills like others have mentioned as addictions. If he is addicted to the chase of women, I seriously doubt that he really feels anything deep for anyone at this point in his life.

He is bored with life and something inside him is missing. That is why he is seeking thrills. He is like most teenagers that are bored. He just wants to feel something. His wife doesn't cut it for him anymore, his addiction of choice won't either for long. He needs to find the answers that are within and not external. Very hard thing to do. Most of us are not that deep. Hence why we seek thrills/addictions to get rid of our feelings of boredom, fear, disillusion, despair, depression etc.
That is not what a mid-life crisis is though. A mid life crisis is realizing that you are getting older and you can't plan and dream like you did in your youth. Part of that is feeling like you can attract the opposite sex the same way anymore. It's really not about adventure it's about insecurity. Everyone goes through that. It's a test of character. OP has failed.

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post #17 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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That is not what a mid-life crisis is though. A mid life crisis is realizing that you are getting older and you can't plan and dream like you did in your youth. Part of that is feeling like you can attract the opposite sex the same way anymore. It's really not about adventure it's about insecurity. Everyone goes through that. It's a test of character. OP has failed.
A midlife crisis is simply someone wrecking havoc on their lives and loved ones at middle age. Most indeed see it as their last attempt to get it right this last time because they are getting old and feel unfulfilled with their life choices at this point in their lives. Some call it sowing their oats, others call it getting old, the end result is the same. If you are not careful, it can destroy what you lived for all of your life to accomplish, and it was all for nothing really as what they decided to throw away was not really what was wrong.

People who fail at midlife are simply vulnerable at this time in their lives, they lose their moral compass because they are broken inside and they desperately are trying to mend themselves with external solutions that only further compound their original problem which they honestly have no idea what that problem may be, but it sure feels crappy. They just want to not feel crappy and most find a "new love interest" the solution to all of their internal pollution, when in reality, this was just a distraction to the real issues rearing their ugly head at midlife.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #18 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:46 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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You are addicted to the attention. As soon as one of these younger women reciprocates that you find attractive, you'll be a cheater, and yes, it will ruin your marriage.

What you're doing is not unlike a porn addiction or a gambling addiction. You keep doing it because you like the high that goes with it. Make no mistake, your addiction will ruin your marriage and you will hate yourself.

Get a new therapist that deals with addictions. At least you have enough perspective to realize you have a problem.
He's cheating now, E.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #19 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:28 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I'm a 44yo man married to a 35yo woman and super confused about my behavior. No kids. Financially very stable. Our marriage works, passion has dwindles some, but still strong. We also get along much better now than when we met. So I would summarize it as a great life and marriage.

About six months ago I started to create online dating site profiles and talk to women. I liked it so much that over 3 month I actually met several women just for coffee or dinner. I was into the thrill of it, not into the women so nothing happened.

Then 2 months ago I started emailing with a 21yo, sent her some money via paypal, and eventually met her once. Got a crush on her, but we dont talk anymore, she has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I met another woman, 29 yo and have a super huge crush on her now. I told her and she is not reciprocating so everything is back to normal (I will deal with my crush by myself). We still text.

I never had anything physical with any of these women, but I keep flirting with any woman I meet, cashiers, bystanders, coffee shop operators, business owners, you name it! I developed a technique that allows me to get their phone number in about 10-15 min of talking to them. I never call, I might text a couple of times, then I get tired and start flirting again with new girls.

What is the point of this? Am I going to end up badly? Anybody can make sense out of this? Soooo confused. Seeing a therapist now but he has not clue either.

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Mid life crisis is about not being satisfied with your job or life in general isn't it? I discussed this possibility with my therapist but he seems to think it's not that simple.
This is about doing something that is exciting. It gets the dopamine going in your brain. Makes you feel good. Since you are not having sex, you feel that you are not cheating so it allows you the thrill without the actual sin. But one day you will cross that line.

You say that the spark has gone out of your marriage some. So instead of doing the hard work to put that spark back in your marriage, you have found another way to get some passion in our life.

But, this is a form of cheating. You are leaving your wife. She's most likely going to find out and all hell is going to rain in your life.

I had a husband who did the same thing. Note the past tense.

Get the book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

It's written by Esther Perel . Look up her Ted Talks and lectures on YouTube. She talks about why people cheat. And the book is about how to get the excitement back into your marriage.

You are on a fast train to self destruct. The fast ride might be fun, but the crash is going to hurt like hell. And your life will be destroyed.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-21-2017 at 06:24 PM.
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post #20 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:32 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

You don't just want attention, you want validation.

Knowing that you COULD bed all of these younger women, with probably just a little more of the right effort, is likely a giant endorphin and testosterone rush for you.

Is it bad? Fundamentally, no. Nature designed you this way. However, in our society, engaging in a closed marriage is a commitment and choice to live a monogamous life with one person. This person being your 35 yo wife.

You are, IMO, cheating emotionally (and to a degree, physically - because you MEET some of these women) on your wife. All the time, effort, emails, texts, talk, PayPal (??), basically resources, financial and emotional that you pump into these women are not going to your wife as they should... As YOU PROMISED her they would go to her, by marrying her.

She has no idea what she's being deprived of. She has no idea the lengths you go to, to compliment, schmooze, and make merry with these women. She has no idea what you're doing behind her back, then you come home to her each night. How can you look her in the face? Your behavior shows amazing lack of care for what you do have, yet an unwillingness to let it go. That, in a nutshell, is selfishness and cake - eating.

So, my advice would be, stop seeing these women because right now you are still a MARRIED MAN. Confess to your poor wife so she can decide for HERSELF (rather than you decide FOR her) whether to stay with you or leave you, get into therapy to learn about why you're clearly not designed for marriage, accept who and what you are, do the upstanding thing and divorce your wife with dignity (if she's still with you by then), and go live the life of a perpetually single man, as was meant to be for you.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #21 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:46 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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You don't just want attention, you want validation.

Knowing that you COULD bed all of these younger women, with probably just a little more of the right effort, is likely a giant endorphin and testosterone rush for you.

Is it bad? Fundamentally, no. Nature designed you this way. However, in our society, engaging in a closed marriage is a commitment and choice to live a monogamous life with one person. This person being your 35 yo wife.

You are, IMO, cheating emotionally (and to a degree, physically - because you MEET some of these women) on your wife. All the time, effort, emails, texts, talk, PayPal (??), basically resources, financial and emotional that you pump into these women are not going to your wife as they should... As YOU PROMISED her they would go to her, by marrying her.

She has no idea what she's being deprived of. She has no idea the lengths you go to, to compliment, schmooze, and make merry with these women. She has no idea what you're doing behind her back, then you come home to her each night. How can you look her in the face? Your behavior shows amazing lack of care for what you do have, yet an unwillingness to let it go. That, in a nutshell, is selfishness and cake - eating.

So, my advice would be, stop seeing these women because right now you are still a MARRIED MAN. Confess to your poor wife so she can decide for HERSELF (rather than you decide FOR her) whether to stay with you or leave you, get into therapy to learn about why you're clearly not designed for marriage, accept who and what you are, do the upstanding thing and divorce your wife with dignity (if she's still with you by then), and go live the life of a perpetually single man, as was meant to be for you.
Nope, 'cause he's entitled. And special.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #22 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Did you sow your oats when you were young? Do you feel you missed out on something in your youth and now you feel the need to explore what you didn't explore in your youth?
.
Bingo! I was a super shy teenager and didnt date until I was 23 with really bad results. I didnt care for my partners at all, I didnt know what to do with them. Then I had a couple of more serious relationships in my late 20s lasting less than a year and at age 33 I decided dating wasnt for me and stopped looking all together. Then I met my wife at 36.

I discussed this progression with my therapist (this is my second one because the first one didnt understand my issue at all), we are still working on it.
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post #23 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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You also might see if your wife would be interested in role playing, where she's sitting alone at the bar and you go hit on her pretending you're strangers. (I've seen it done in movies...)
Love this input, because we actually do this. As an example: yesterday wife and I were at a restaurant sitting in a booth, I got up, sat next to her and slowly started touching her leg under the table. Nobody could see. Then I asked her to go to the bathroom and take her panties off and bring them to me. She was intrigued by this, laughed, thought about it and said she doesnt have the right kind of underwear today. This morning when I woke up she was already up but I found her underwear on my nightstand .
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post #24 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:31 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

OP,
This is really quite simple. You have found someone that you care about (love) more than your wife, you. Correct that and your issue will disappear.

Peace and long life
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post #25 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Dang slkillme, you are extreme dude!

He is at a crossroads, like most peeps at midlife are. He is going through his second adolescence so to speak. I wonder if he even had his first adolescence at all? Maybe he just did what his family expected him to do. Please talk to us OP. I know my X husband engaged in gambling and drinking before fantasizing about OW and then finally seeking an AP because he was so miserable inside himself, that he thought our marriage and me were at fault for his internal pollution.

He seeked outside solutions to his internal pollution. The last one I tolerated was of course the affair. He mistakenly thought that if he was able to cheat it was because he had fallen in love. That of course was not true and his affair ended 5 months after we separated. He has had many girlfriends since his second chance at love failed.

He is not happy. He has aged tremendously and drinks a bit too much. His children see him as an ATM machine as well as his girlfriends of course. He has had a steady girlfriend for the past 7 years, yet I come across his profile on singles sites now and again. They don't live together and she is with him because she gets money from him. He cheats and I doubt that she is clueless about it. He will probably never change.

Oh, and he was classic midlife crisis. The red convertible and the motorcycle came with the OW as well. Poster child for midlife crisis!
OMG...that DOES sound like something I would do!!! Bibi, this scared the hell out of me. I do give money to some of these girls, God only know where it could end up if they asked for more, and I did buy a bigger SUV not a long time ago. Now I'm kind of shaking...And yes I never had my adolescence...so maybe thats what we eill be talking about with my therapist next time.
Gee you are so spot on! Can't believe it...I have been trying to find answers for the last 6 months. I truly appreciate this.

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post #26 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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That is not what a mid-life crisis is though. A mid life crisis is realizing that you are getting older and you can't plan and dream like you did in your youth. Part of that is feeling like you can attract the opposite sex the same way anymore. It's really not about adventure it's about insecurity. Everyone goes through that. It's a test of character. OP has failed.
Well, nothing has happened yet, I never had a girlfriend or acted on any of this yet. I dont consider this a failure...yet. Or am I failing because I have these thoughts alone and talk to girls?
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post #27 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Soooo confused.
Maybe it's just me, probably is but when I see this, either your finger's been too long on the o button but really what's the purpose? Do people talk like this normally? "I'm sooooooo confused". Come on now.
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post #28 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Get the book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

It's written by Esther Perel . Look up her Ted Talks and lectures on YouTube. She talks about why people cheat. And the book is about how to get the excitement back into your marriage.

You are on a fast train to self destruct. The fast ride might be fun, but the crash is going to hurt like hell. And your life will be destroyed.
I watched the TED talk and ordered her book. I see myself in all of it 100%. Hopefully there is a way to stop the train or at least jump out of it, and yes I will get hurt but not as much as when the train crashes. Thank you!
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post #29 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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OP,
This is really quite simple. You have found someone that you care about (love) more than your wife, you. Correct that and your issue will disappear.
Thats exactly what happened. I have been a "nice" and "good" guy my whole life a prototype of the ones described by Dr. Glover in his books "No More Nice Guy". I always gave everything to everybody. My wife is still on the pedestal and I dont want to leave her, and yet I'm struggling with this new "me". Maybe I have to integrate my new identity with what I already have (wife I love, marriage I love and life I love). This is going to be hard as hell.
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post #30 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Mid life crisis is about not being satisfied with your job or life in general isn't it? I discussed this possibility with my therapist but he seems to think it's not that simple.
LOL...of course he doesn't.

He'd much rather have you keep coming back (cha-ching!) while he dreams up some psycho-babble nonsense reason for your behavior that will no doubt be the fault of your 'abusive' parents, an Uncle Bad Touch in your past, and quite possibly, midgets. I'm sure it will be a hum-dinger.

In the interim, stop foolishly giving young girls money. Only an idiot falls for that nonsense. Not only is that ignorant, but it's unfair to your wife as that's MARITAL property.
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