Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)
You don't just want attention, you want validation.
Knowing that you COULD bed all of these younger women, with probably just a little more of the right effort, is likely a giant endorphin and testosterone rush for you.
Is it bad? Fundamentally, no. Nature designed you this way. However, in our society, engaging in a closed marriage is a commitment and choice to live a monogamous life with one person. This person being your 35 yo wife.
You are, IMO, cheating emotionally (and to a degree, physically - because you MEET some of these women) on your wife. All the time, effort, emails, texts, talk, PayPal (??), basically resources, financial and emotional that you pump into these women are not going to your wife as they should... As YOU PROMISED her they would go to her, by marrying her.
She has no idea what she's being deprived of. She has no idea the lengths you go to, to compliment, schmooze, and make merry with these women. She has no idea what you're doing behind her back, then you come home to her each night. How can you look her in the face? Your behavior shows amazing lack of care for what you do have, yet an unwillingness to let it go. That, in a nutshell, is selfishness and cake - eating.
So, my advice would be, stop seeing these women because right now you are still a MARRIED MAN. Confess to your poor wife so she can decide for HERSELF (rather than you decide FOR her) whether to stay with you or leave you, get into therapy to learn about why you're clearly not designed for marriage, accept who and what you are, do the upstanding thing and divorce your wife with dignity (if she's still with you by then), and go live the life of a perpetually single man, as was meant to be for you.
"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."
~ Abraham Maslow