OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

You have a young wife that loves you, is adventurous, fun........
You still want more.

Make no mistake about this---- you have been. Heating bigtime on your wife. And you have acted in your desires--- you actually MET some of these girls. But the most important thing is that you've let your mind dwell in these other women. That's as good as cheating,right there.

STOP, while you still can. Devote all this mental energy into your relationship with your wife.

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post #32 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You have a young wife that loves you, is adventurous, fun........
You still want more.

Make no mistake about this---- you have been. Heating bigtime on your wife. And you have acted in your desires--- you actually MET some of these girls. But the most important thing is that you've let your mind dwell in these other women. That's as good as cheating,right there.

STOP, while you still can. Devote all this mental energy into your relationship with your wife.
Trying, really trying. And I can definitely do that as I have done in the past (2years ago and 4 years ago). I will stop talking to girls, delete my online profile, cut lose all the ones I text to and just devote to my wife.

Problem will still be there, waiting for me a year later. Stronger than ever. So I got to look this think in the face and solve it once for all. Thats what I'm doing now.
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post #33 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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In the interim, stop foolishly giving young girls money. Only an idiot falls for that nonsense. Not only is that ignorant, but it's unfair to your wife as that's MARITAL property.
Yah...that I'm very ashamed of and will never do it again. You know whats funny? I really thought that by going shopping with girls (AKA paying for their s$hit) will somehow attract them to me more. It was a seduction strategy if I think about it now. How stupid...
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post #34 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I agree with you. You've got to figure this out. If not, as you said, the temptation will cause it to happen again.
Really hope you're able to solve this so you don't ruin your life.
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post #35 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

One other thing I wanted to point out is that I'm not a duche that is taking any pleasure out of this.
I cry daily about this, whenever I'm alone, I feel like a lady with too many hormones. Typically wife goes to sleep at 9:30Pm after watching TV in bed with me, I go into my home office and do stuff on my computer (NOT PORN! lol), and watch/listen to motivational and uplifting youtube videos, while crying my eyes out. Last night I cried from 10PM to midnight, then went to bed at 1AM, slept 5 hours on average according to my fitbit, and start this all over again. 3 weeks now into my daily night-cry routine.

This thing jerks me around like I was possessed by some evil spirit and for now there is no way to stop it.

Oh and I didnt mention daily nightmares at night.
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post #36 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

The ego can be an insatiable beast. You have been feeding your ego in an unhealthy way.

I have a friend whose H did just what you are doing. Her daughter actually discovered his exploits when she came across his fake FB page. My friend and her H are great people, upstanding citizens, warm and giving. And yet, her H sank into this sordid abyss. He didn't see it as sordid when he was doing it - he was giving young women money and flirting with them & getting occasional sex. He was on an ego high, thinking that he was the **** and his BW was the background noise.

Once the daughter knew, reality hit in a big way. Suddenly, his hot, attractive self looked more like a creepy, delusional old man. He was hit with a tidal wave of shame. True shame, capital S. It was like his delusional world just imploded in an instant. He begged my friend for another chance to prove that he would no longer devalue her.

I don't yet know what she will ultimately decide, but I can tell you how she describes the evolution of her feelings about her WH:

- She has gone from feeling like the neglected, taken-for-granted wife to seeing her husband as a sad, pathetic, broken man.

- She has lost tremendous respect for him & regained some self-respect.

- She doesn't know how to describe any feelings of love she has for him. It's not romantic love anymore, she says.

Feeding your ego in this broken way could bring you to the same outcome that my friends are experiencing.

You are not at all unusual in your desire to be desired. It's really part of the human condition. How you are satisfying the needs of your ego, however, is destructive. You say you know this and are trying to ferret out the 'whys,' as if they are very deep and mysterious.

I don't think they're mysterious. I think acting out the way you do makes you feel like the man. You want this feeling.

Why not, though, try to get this feeling the way an honorable, mature man would? Find something to do that won't make you hang your head in shame when your loved ones find out about it. Volunteer to help others. Find a hobby that you can excel at.

Many things can feed your ego in a better way. Trolling for women behind your BW's back may give you a fleeting thrill of 'wow, I'm so hot,' but it's a cheap thrill that you will regret.
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post #37 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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The ego can be an insatiable beast. You have been feeding your ego in an unhealthy way.

I have a friend whose H did just what you are doing. Her daughter actually discovered his exploits when she came across his fake FB page. My friend and her H are great people, upstanding citizens, warm and giving. And yet, her H sank into this sordid abyss. He didn't see it as sordid when he was doing it - he was giving young women money and flirting with them & getting occasional sex. He was on an ego high, thinking that he was the **** and his BW was the background noise.

Once the daughter knew, reality hit in a big way. Suddenly, his hot, attractive self looked more like a creepy, delusional old man. He was hit with a tidal wave of shame. True shame, capital S. It was like his delusional world just imploded in an instant. He begged my friend for another chance to prove that he would no longer devalue her.

I don't yet know what she will ultimately decide, but I can tell you how she describes the evolution of her feelings about her WH:

- She has gone from feeling like the neglected, taken-for-granted wife to seeing her husband as a sad, pathetic, broken man.

- She has lost tremendous respect for him & regained some self-respect.

- She doesn't know how to describe any feelings of love she has for him. It's not romantic love anymore, she says.

Feeding your ego in this broken way could bring you to the same outcome that my friends are experiencing.

You are not at all unusual in your desire to be desired. It's really part of the human condition. How you are satisfying the needs of your ego, however, is destructive. You say you know this and are trying to ferret out the 'whys,' as if they are very deep and mysterious.

I don't think they're mysterious. I think acting out the way you do makes you feel like the man. You want this feeling.

Why not, though, try to get this feeling the way an honorable, mature man would? Find something to do that won't make you hang your head in shame when your loved ones find out about it. Volunteer to help others. Find a hobby that you can excel at.

Many things can feed your ego in a better way. Trolling for women behind your BW's back may give you a fleeting thrill of 'wow, I'm so hot,' but it's a cheap thrill that you will regret.
Love every word of it, this was really inspiring.
I have been working on several of my interests that can fill my ego in a different way than going after girls, and partially they are working already. Spot on about my need to feel attractive and like a man since I missed that while I was a teenager and young adult (didnt date almost at all until I was 26-30, and then gave up). And now this is coming back to haunt me.
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post #38 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Well, nothing has happened yet, I never had a girlfriend or acted on any of this yet. I dont consider this a failure...yet. Or am I failing because I have these thoughts alone and talk to girls?
You are actively pursuing other women. Your wife is not going to think that nothing happened. She will have no basis to believe you even if you are telling the truth. You have destroyed your credibility, and you call it nothing? The fact that you can call it nothing shows you are not thinking clearly. If she was on dating apps, going out on coffee date, and spending your shared money with other men what would your thoughts be? Would you still say it was nothing?

You are not going through anything different then what 75% of every man your age goes through. You are not some tortured soul. You are having an ordinary common male version of a mid life crisis. If you had been Mick Jagger in your 20's you would probably still be having the same feelings. We all feel this way.

You also don't deserve anything more then your loving wife. Finally you are not a good guy, you are a pretty crappy guy right now and a terrible husband. The fact that you can do this to your wife and think it's nothing says as much.

Come one dude, who are you fooling. I don't even think yourself if you are honest. You wouldn't be posting here.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-19-2017 at 01:33 PM.
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post #39 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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OMG...that DOES sound like something I would do!!! Bibi, this scared the hell out of me. I do give money to some of these girls, God only know where it could end up if they asked for more, and I did buy a bigger SUV not a long time ago. Now I'm kind of shaking...And yes I never had my adolescence...so maybe thats what we eill be talking about with my therapist next time.
Gee you are so spot on! Can't believe it...I have been trying to find answers for the last 6 months. I truly appreciate this.
In total, how much money have you given to these women?
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post #40 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I watched the TED talk and ordered her book. I see myself in all of it 100%. Hopefully there is a way to stop the train or at least jump out of it, and yes I will get hurt but not as much as when the train crashes. Thank you!
OH, you have 100% control over stopping the train and getting off. But you are choosing to stay on it. This is 100% your choice.

Anything about how you did not have some wild time as a teen & as a 20-something is just an excuse. It's a great excuse because it allows you to twist it and self justify.

Just about every person and imperfect life during their teens & 20's. Most do not use that as an excuse.

Everyone who lives long enough grows old. We all experience things like realizing that our options are now limited, that there are things we will never do again; or that there are things that we wanted to do in our lives that we will never get to do again.

But most people do not destroy our lives and the people we love acting out.

You are doing what you are doing because you want to do it. You do not really care all that much for your wife. So you don't care if you hurt her. What you do not realize is that in the end, you are hurting yourself worse.

Any woman who takes money from you is only using you to get money. She could care less about you.

Please tell your wife that you have been dating a lot of women. She deserves the right to decide what she wants to do with her life. Why do you think that you have the right to make unilateral decisions and do things like date, but your wife does not have the right to decide her own life based on the facts that you are hiding from her?

Again, you not doing this because you were some poor deprived teen/20-something. You are doing it because you want to and you are going to do what you want to do no matter who it hurts.

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post #41 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:22 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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One other thing I wanted to point out is that I'm not a duche that is taking any pleasure out of this.
I cry daily about this, whenever I'm alone, I feel like a lady with too many hormones. Typically wife goes to sleep at 9:30Pm after watching TV in bed with me, I go into my home office and do stuff on my computer (NOT PORN! lol), and watch/listen to motivational and uplifting youtube videos, while crying my eyes out. Last night I cried from 10PM to midnight, then went to bed at 1AM, slept 5 hours on average according to my fitbit, and start this all over again. 3 weeks now into my daily night-cry routine.

This thing jerks me around like I was possessed by some evil spirit and for now there is no way to stop it.

Oh and I didnt mention daily nightmares at night.
You cry every night for hours about this? When do you get the time to chat up these women and then date them?

If you are really crying like this, you need to see a medical doctor and a psychiatrist. You need anti-depressants. And you might also have developed OCD and that might be what is driving you to spend time online looking for women and dating them. Go get meds.

Then you are going to have to get the physiatrist to mediate a meeting with your wife and tell her what is going on. Why? Because if you are going to stop doing this, you need for her to know that you have a mental health issue. In order to protect yourself and your marriage from this destructive behavior, you need for your wife to know so she can help you structure your marriage so that it's hard for you to return to this behavior.
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post #42 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:24 PM
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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Dude, the young women are like your drug dealers. You get dopamine, your drug of choice that gives you a high.

The women get money. And behind your back call you a sucker, loser and laugh at you.

Really.

Don't do that.
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post #43 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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post #44 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Dude, the young women are like your drug dealers. You get dopamine, your drug of choice that gives you a high.

The women get money. And behind your back call you a sucker, loser and laugh at you.

Really.

Don't do that.
I stopped doing that it was super stupid.
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post #45 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:16 PM
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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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You cry every night for hours about this? When do you get the time to chat up these women and then date them?



If you are really crying like this, you need to see a medical doctor and a psychiatrist. You need anti-depressants. And you might also have developed OCD and that might be what is driving you to spend time online looking for women and dating them. Go get meds.



Then you are going to have to get the physiatrist to mediate a meeting with your wife and tell her what is going on. Why? Because if you are going to stop doing this, you need for her to know that you have a mental health issue. In order to protect yourself and your marriage from this destructive behavior, you need for your wife to know so she can help you structure your marriage so that it's hard for you to return to this behavior.


OP

Ele is right. Go see your family doctor to start. Zoloft does wonders. It helps with what you are going though. I know.

Zoloft takes about 2 weeks to kick in. Get your doc to prescribe low dosage xanax in the interim.
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