OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Drugs should be avoided except last resort.

They don't even KNOW what sort of permanent damage they do to your head.

If ya need drugs to cope, you're in pretty bad shape.

My 2 cents.
Yeah exactly. I'm not going to take drugs just because I have a nice cry about my situation in the evening. People cry to vent...is that so horrible and automatically puts you in a looney bin?

I'm really sorry everybody, I didn't realize that this sections of the forum called "Coping with Infedelity" was only for people who have been cheat on, not the cheaters or people trying to make sense out of their infedelity. That's alright. I got some really cool insights.
Thank you everybody.


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post #47 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Yeah exactly. I'm not going to take drugs just because I have a nice cry about my situation in the evening. People cry to vent...is that so horrible and automatically puts you in a looney bin?

I'm really sorry everybody, I didn't realize that this sections of the forum called "Coping with Infedelity" was only for people who have been cheat on, not the cheaters or people trying to make sense out of their infedelity. That's alright. I got some really cool insights.
Thank you everybody.
You did not say you had a nice cry one night. You said that you have been crying for hours every night for weeks. That’s a very different thing. If what you wrote is true, you are falling apart emotionally, probably in a depression. And seeing a medical doctor and physiatrist will help determine that.

Or were you exaggerating?

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One other thing I wanted to point out is that I'm not a duche that is taking any pleasure out of this.

I cry daily about this, whenever I'm alone, I feel like a lady with too many hormones. Typically wife goes to sleep at 9:30Pm after watching TV in bed with me, I go into my home office and do stuff on my computer (NOT PORN! lol), and watch/listen to motivational and uplifting youtube videos, while crying my eyes out. Last night I cried from 10PM to midnight, then went to bed at 1AM, slept 5 hours on average according to my fitbit, and start this all over again. 3 weeks now into my daily night-cry routine.

This thing jerks me around like I was possessed by some evil spirit and for now there is no way to stop it.

Oh and I didnt mention daily nightmares at night.
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post #48 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 09:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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When people are depressed they see things as much worse than they really are.

He is obviously feeling better.

Why say to him he's falling apart?
I actually function great during the day, nobody can tell whats going on inside me lol, then at night I get very lonely and I'm alone with my thoughts and things can get a little hard.

Is crying always related to depression? I think I do it because it helps me release tension. But that's about it.
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post #49 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:06 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

You sound depressed to me and that is your internal pollution/turmoil. You are fighting those crappy feelings with the high of the girls you go out with. Don't feel bad for giving them money. They were an expensive band aid, but luckily they didn't cause any permanent damage. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't fall for one of these very sly gals. My X did as his first affair partner turned out to be a 27 year old prostitute. So all of the money she took from him and of course me, went to her pimp.

Are you having issues with ED as well? This whole mess of feeling crappy like engaging in risky behaviors and seeking validity from younger women may mean that you have a chemical imbalance that is better termed as Andropause. Your doctor will know what type of blood tests need to be done to rule out any chemical imbalances causing your inner turmoil.

Please seek medical attention and don't let go of therapy. You just need to find the right match. It may take a couple of tries before you get a great therapist that knows about men's issues during midlife.

I asked about the sowing your oats because I honestly think this is what happened to my X among other things of course. We were each other's first. He did what his God fearing parents taught him to do and he was a great kid and adult. Didn't cause any trouble other than the occasional going out drinking with his buddies after midterms and the like. he was also feeling depressed because our kids were growing up and didn't need him anymore. He said I had never needed him because I was always very independent. Neither of that was true, but he truly believed nobody at home needed or wanted him anymore. Sadly he rewrote our history and marriage and we didn't stand a chance of making it. It was over when he bought that prostitute the first drink.

He was also showing signs of getting older at 40. He had a receding hairline and his belly was starting to show. Exercise was not cutting it anymore like it used too. He was also having ED issues which are very common at midlife as well. Please seek help to rule out anything that can be fixed by professional help.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #50 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:27 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I actually function great during the day, nobody can tell whats going on inside me lol, then at night I get very lonely and I'm alone with my thoughts and things can get a little hard.

Is crying always related to depression? I think I do it because it helps me release tension. But that's about it.
Crying for hours every night for 3 weeks is a pretty good indicator of depression.

A lot of depressed people can put themselves on auto pilot during their work hours. And then they fall apart when alone and feel it's safe to do so.

Plus, your acting out with the women is another indication of something like depression, OCD, or other behavioral problem. You do these things because they do something for you, they make you feel good. Why? Because when you are out with the women your brain is producing and up taking dopamine.. the feel good hormone. Something Wellbutrin will do the same thing for you.

You never did answer my question about how much money you have given these women. I disagree that you should not feel guilty or bad about the money you have given women.

Between giving women money and spending money on dates, you have spent marital income. You are wasting marital income/assets.

One of my BILs did something like you are doing. My sister was able to go back through their financial records and figure out much of what he spent on other women. When she divorced him, she asked the court to have him pay that amount to her. The Judge decided that he needed to pay her the amount that he spent on other woman and a penalty... see she got the house free and clear as punishment for wasting martial assets. While there is no fault divorce and adultery could not be used in the divorce, his wasting assets could.

I also call nonsense on this idea that you are acting out because you did not get a wild youth. Get real. This entire idea of teenagers acting out being part of growing up a new one in civilization. It used to be that teens were adults and had to work the butts off to help support their family. They married early and had their own kids and spouse. So they continued to work their butts off.

You are looking for anything to excuse your bad behavior. That's all this missed wild youth nonsense is about. Quit looking for excuses. You are 100% responsible for your behavior.
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post #51 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:13 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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A lot of depressed people can put themselves on auto pilot during their work hours.


You never did answer my question about how much money you have given these women. I disagree that you should not feel guilty or bad about the money you have given women.

Between giving women money and spending money on dates, you have spent marital income. You are wasting marital income/assets.


I also call nonsense on this idea that you are acting out because you did not get a wild youth. Get real. This entire idea of teenagers acting out being part of growing up a new one in civilization. It used to be that teens were adults and had to work the butts off to help support their family. They married early and had their own kids and spouse. So they continued to work their butts off.

You are looking for anything to excuse your bad behavior. That's all this missed wild youth nonsense is about. Quit looking for excuses. You are 100% responsible for your behavior.
I know my X functions perfectly well at work because emotions are not involved. The problems and his feeling of depression occurred when he was at home. Work actually helped him to just work and not think and feel.


It is very true that he should not have spent money on OW, but there is no need to cry over spilled milk at this point. He now understands that him giving away money was actually very stupid. Lesson learned IMO.

His focus needs to be on his internal demons and not continue messing his life up over risky addictions. There are positive outlets at this point in time that can help him feel better without wrecking havoc on his life.

As to the comment about sowing his oats, this is sadly something that men nowadays deal with quite often. Please remember that we now live many more years than before, especially men. Men worked very hard in the past, physically hard that is and most would die in their forties and most didn't make it to fifty. That is not the case now. Men live well over 70 now. Hence why now we know a little more about male menopause/ andropause.

It's just as real as women's menopause and adolescence. It's something all of us have to go through and some of us have a hard time getting through it. I only wish there was a lot more information out there in regards to male menopause just like there is a ton of info for us women about menopause. Men would not feel so confused, alone and depressed at this time in their lives. It would be easier for them to seek help from professionals and of course other men that have gone through these times and navigated midlife with experience that didn't destroy their lives and hurt themselves and their loved ones in its wake.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #52 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:33 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I know my X functions perfectly well at work because emotions are not involved. The problems and his feeling of depression occurred when he was at home. Work actually helped him to just work and not think and feel.

It is very true that he should not have spent money on OW, but there is no need to cry over spilled milk at this point. He now understands that him giving away money was actually very stupid. Lesson learned IMO.

His focus needs to be on his internal demons and not continue messing his life up over risky addictions. There are positive outlets at this point in time that can help him feel better without wrecking havoc on his life.

As to the comment about sowing his oats, this is sadly something that men nowadays deal with quite often. Please remember that we now live many more years than before, especially men. Men worked very hard in the past, physically hard that is and most would die in their forties and most didn't make it to fifty. That is not the case now. Men live well over 70 now. Hence why now we know a little more about male menopause/ andropause.

It's just as real as women's menopause and adolescence. It's something all of us have to go through and some of us have a hard time getting through it. I only wish there was a lot more information out there in regards to male menopause just like there is a ton of info for us women about menopause. Men would not feel so confused, alone and depressed at this time in their lives. It would be easier for them to seek help from professionals and of course other men that have gone through these times and navigated midlife with experience that didn't destroy their lives and hurt themselves and their loved ones in its wake.
He is has been cheating on his wife. Do we now excuse all cheating as mid life crisis? Dating other women and giving them martial assets is cheating--emotional cheating at the very least.

"women's menopause and adolescence"???? What does a woman's adolescence have to do with her menopause? Nothing. Menopause is a physical condition that every woman who lives long enough goes through. It does not matter what her adolescence was like, she’s going to go through menopause… even if she was wild and sewed all the wild oats in the world, she’s going to have a menopause. Or even if she was a virgin saint, a nun, and never had sex, she’s going to go through menopause.

Trying to equate what we call a mid-life crisis to the physical changes that a woman goes through at menopause makes no sense.

Women also age and deal with the same things that men deal with as they age, things such as realizing that there are things that they will never get to do again, that the things they can look forward to in life are very diminished, failing healthy, etc.

Some men and women go through this acting out in a destructive manner that we call 'midlife crisis'. But that does not excuse their bad choices, cheating, hurting their spouse, etc. Not having a wild enough youth is no excuse.

I also find it very hard to believe that the OP picked up women online, took them out shopping, gave them cash, and took them out to dinner and it was all platonic and no sex. It sounds like he did this with a lot of women. And he never did anything sexual with any of them? Not believable.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 02:38 AM.
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post #53 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 03:17 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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"women's menopause and adolescence"???? What does a woman's adolescence have to do with her menopause? Nothing. Menopause is a physical condition that every woman who lives long enough goes through.


Trying to equate what we call a mid-life crisis to the physical changes that a woman goes through at menopause makes no sense.

Women also age and deal with the same things that men deal with as they age, things such as realizing that there are things that they will never get to do again, that the things they can look forward to in life are very diminished, failing healthy, etc.

Some men and women go through this acting out in a destructive manner that we call 'midlife crisis'. But that does not excuse their bad choices, cheating, hurting their spouse, etc. Not having a wild enough youth is no excuse.

I also find it very hard to believe that the OP picked up women online, took them out shopping, gave them cash, and took them out to dinner and it was all platonic and no sex. It sounds like he did this with a lot of women. And he never did anything sexual with any of them? Not believable.
What I meant by women's menopause and adolescence is that we ALL go through it. Well, men go through Andropause too, yet there is not all that much info about it as we have about women's menopause. It is just as real as women going through menopause and it is just as real as adolescence.

While it it true that most women go through many changes in their lives, we differ from men at midlife because our bodies and hormones go through a lot once we become mothers. Some of us women also go through hormonal changes due to birth control as well. Our hormones are out of whack and our bodies are forever changed as well once we give birth. That is why at midlife our changes are a tad easier for us to accept that it is for men.


Most men for the most part don't have hormonal changes until midlife. Testosterone levels drop and estrogen appears in their bodies. That is why men get emotional at midlife, that darn estrogen in their bodies makes them feel emotions that before most were able to just suppress. Less testosterone means that they will physically begin to age. Just like women at menopause. Our bodies drastically age once menopause is done.

Most people going through a crisis didn't ask for it either. They do terrible things that hurt everyone, mostly themselves! I don't mean to excuse it, but it is a reality. No one wants to have or go through a crisis, yet some do.

Like you, I truly believe that OP is not being completely honest in regards to how far his dalliances with these women went. Not a major concern for us here on TAM. We have been around the block a few times now to know better.

I just hope OP does seek help for his issues and is strong enough to look within himself to eventually feel better and navigate this time in his life with better outlets and tools that won't complicate his life or destroy it due to going through it blindly and without proper help.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #54 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I actually function great during the day, nobody can tell whats going on inside me lol, then at night I get very lonely and I'm alone with my thoughts and things can get a little hard.

Is crying always related to depression? I think I do it because it helps me release tension. But that's about it.
It is often a sign of depression coupled with the feeling of loneliness. How old are you? Would there be hormonal changes afoot. Men are often affected too, it is not just women.
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post #55 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Don't feel bad for giving them money. They were an expensive band aid, but luckily they didn't cause any permanent damage. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't fall for one of these very sly gals. My X did as his first affair partner turned out to be a 27 year old prostitute. So all of the money she took from him and of course me, went to her pimp.
This is off the table for me now. I realized it was super stupid and will never do it again.

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Are you having issues with ED as well?
No, but since I have never had anything sexual with these women I can't tell for sure. I thought about the possibility of not going to be able to perform if it came down to it, but it might never happen.

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Please seek medical attention and don't let go of therapy. You just need to find the right match. It may take a couple of tries before you get a great therapist that knows about men's issues during midlife.
The guy I'm seeing right now is a Psychiatrist, we are going through all this and sorting it out, finding solutions and meaning. Best thing is that he helps me stay on track and lets me know if I'm about to do something stupid (like talking to more women online). Since I started seeing him I abandoned my online dating profile all together and I now rarely interact with women other than normal life interactions. I still do get excited about the interaction, but it doesnt go as far as to exchanging phone numbers.

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I asked about the sowing your oats because I honestly think this is what happened to my X among other things of course. We were each other's first. He did what his God fearing parents taught him to do and he was a great kid and adult. Didn't cause any trouble other than the occasional going out drinking with his buddies after midterms and the like. he was also feeling depressed because our kids were growing up and didn't need him anymore. He said I had never needed him because I was always very independent. Neither of that was true, but he truly believed nobody at home needed or wanted him anymore. Sadly he rewrote our history and marriage and we didn't stand a chance of making it. It was over when he bought that prostitute the first drink.
I do have the "Nice Guy Syndrome" too and was abiding by the rules like your ex. Seems to be a trap eventually. So men like us have 2 choices: act up on it and destroy marriages, or seek help and try to manage it. If you just sweep it under the carpet, it will be ok for a while then it will come back up again, unless you die. EleGirl thinks there is a fourth (and only) way: stuff myself in a garbage bin, pour gasoline on me and burn myself to ashes. I take 100% responsibility of all of this, that's why I'm still talking to you guys here. Some, like you, have offered really great insights into my situation.

I caught myself acting on it (call it emotional affair or affair), and I knew it was time to get help. Thats where I'm right now.

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post #56 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I'm a 44yo man married to a 35yo woman and super confused about my behavior. No kids. Financially very stable. Our marriage works, passion has dwindles some, but still strong. We also get along much better now than when we met. So I would summarize it as a great life and marriage.

About six months ago I started to create online dating site profiles and talk to women. I liked it so much that over 3 month I actually met several women just for coffee or dinner. I was into the thrill of it, not into the women so nothing happened.

Then 2 months ago I started emailing with a 21yo, sent her some money via paypal, and eventually met her once. Got a crush on her, but we dont talk anymore, she has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I met another woman, 29 yo and have a super huge crush on her now. I told her and she is not reciprocating so everything is back to normal (I will deal with my crush by myself). We still text.

I never had anything physical with any of these women, but I keep flirting with any woman I meet, cashiers, bystanders, coffee shop operators, business owners, you name it! I developed a technique that allows me to get their phone number in about 10-15 min of talking to them. I never call, I might text a couple of times, then I get tired and start flirting again with new girls.

What is the point of this? Am I going to end up badly? Anybody can make sense out of this? Soooo confused. Seeing a therapist now but he has not clue either.
If you dont want to lose your wife then stop this nonsense. Tell her all of it and throw yourself on her mercy.
You speak as if you have no choice in what you are doing. You do, you are choosing to do this every day.
Calling it a mid life crisis is a cop out, I have heard so much bad behaviour blamed on that from people in their 30's to their 50's.

You are playing with fire.
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post #57 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Trying, really trying. And I can definitely do that as I have done in the past (2years ago and 4 years ago). I will stop talking to girls, delete my online profile, cut lose all the ones I text to and just devote to my wife.

Problem will still be there, waiting for me a year later. Stronger than ever. So I got to look this think in the face and solve it once for all. Thats what I'm doing now.
Do you have a sex addiction, have you considered the possibility?
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post #58 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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If you dont want to lose your wife then stop this nonsense. Tell her all of it and throw yourself on her mercy.
You speak as if you have no choice in what you are doing. You do, you are choosing to do this every day.
Calling it a mid life crisis is a cop out, I have heard so much bad behaviour blamed on that from people in their 30's to their 50's.

You are playing with fire.
Hi Diana,
thank you, I know I have a choice and most of the destructive behavior is under control now, but still struggling with it. It's really hard but I'm getting help. I'm 100% responsible for this and dont blame it on a mid life crisis.
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post #59 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Well, nothing has happened yet, I never had a girlfriend or acted on any of this yet. I dont consider this a failure...yet. Or am I failing because I have these thoughts alone and talk to girls?
and ..."gee you are so spot on!"

seems all rather fine and dandy?
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post #60 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Do you have a sex addiction, have you considered the possibility?
I have thought about it but neither my therapist or I think I do. If I had a sexual addiction I would be looking for women to have sex with, what I'm looking for is to connect with them on any level. Even a deeper conversation at starbucks with a stranger does the trick even if it doesn't lead to phone number exchange.

In some way it does work like addiction because I look for more all the times, but I dont go into withdrawals when I dont talk to women.
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