OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Great post thank you. So I want to add something about my history so that this point can be understood. I have always been a very thrifty person never had any kind of excitement always save the money and ran my cars to the ground. In other words I was the opposite of what you're describing. Then two years ago my business took off and now I don't have to worry about money. immediately opened to retirement accounts for me and my wife and made sure that both of us had a good retirement .

I have noticed that since then I started to be more careless I buy myself things I don't need and in general I'm not as good of a person as a used to be. I am looking for new and novelty right now more than before but not in a disorganized way. Also I have never had any kind of addiction such as drugs alcohol or anything else I can possibly think of .

Maybe this can help

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post #77 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
One time she actually told me that there was an older gentleman that was very much into her at work. We kind of laughed about it and I didnt think anything about it but I honestly don't know how I would feel about it . Probably pissed but I would definitely investigate why my wife is attracted to him and try to understand her. I would feel like crap though
In the end how much do you value your wife and marriage?
When you have answered that question you will know what to do.
I actually love my wife very much im just acting up like a kid without knowing why. It makes no sense at all if you analize this rationally.

Now that so many people here showed me that i could hurt her (daaa) i realize the danger im in. Maybe i needed to be bashed and her all your comments cause honestly i never thought about the damage i can create.

If i stop today completely i will only have to deal with myself. But at this point i think i will talk to my wife about this and tell her everything so that she has a say in it. Scares the hell out of me.
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post #78 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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OP, you're 45 and hitting on a 21 yr old girl. What is wrong with your sense of judgment? What happens when her Dad, who is probably the same age as you, seeks you out to discuss your behavior? What BS story are you gonna tell him as to why you seek out young girls?
while being married to someone else...................
Just compiling one problen on top of another. I know this is horrible. Im giving muself an ultimatum whuch btw i have not formulated clearly in my head yet.
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post #79 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I'm sorry this is just way too much.

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Bingo! I was a super shy teenager and didnt date until I was 23 with really bad results. I didnt care for my partners at all, I didnt know what to do with them. Then I had a couple of more serious relationships in my late 20s lasting less than a year and at age 33 I decided dating wasnt for me and stopped looking all together. Then I met my wife at 36.

I discussed this progression with my therapist (this is my second one because the first one didnt understand my issue at all), we are still working on it.
These are all excuses that you are using to try to justify what you are doing. I will wager that in your heart you know this isn't really why you are acting out.

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Love this input, because we actually do this. As an example: yesterday wife and I were at a restaurant sitting in a booth, I got up, sat next to her and slowly started touching her leg under the table. Nobody could see. Then I asked her to go to the bathroom and take her panties off and bring them to me. She was intrigued by this, laughed, thought about it and said she doesnt have the right kind of underwear today. This morning when I woke up she was already up but I found her underwear on my nightstand .
It is pretty clear that both you and your wife know about your fantasies of having sex with another woman. Maybe you should think about that for a few moments.

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Well, nothing has happened yet, I never had a girlfriend or acted on any of this yet. I dont consider this a failure...yet. Or am I failing because I have these thoughts alone and talk to girls?
This is an easy one to answer, Yes you are failing as a husband because of what you have done. There was a story that I read long long ago about a man who betrayed his wife by having sex with another woman. After he thought about it long enough, he concluded that his betrayal was when he arranged to meet the other woman (just to talk to her and have coffee). He knew what might happen and yet to took the step to start the sequence of events that lead to betraying his wife. You have taken that first step, you just haven't completed he journey you choose to embark on. Each additional step will become easier and easier.

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Great post thank you. So I want to add something about my history so that this point can be understood. I have always been a very thrifty person never had any kind of excitement always save the money and ran my cars to the ground. In other words I was the opposite of what you're describing. Then two years ago my business took off and now I don't have to worry about money. immediately opened to retirement accounts for me and my wife and made sure that both of us had a good retirement .

I have noticed that since then I started to be more careless I buy myself things I don't need and in general I'm not as good of a person as a used to be. I am looking for new and novelty right now more than before but not in a disorganized way. Also I have never had any kind of addiction such as drugs alcohol or anything else I can possibly think of .

Maybe this can help
At first I wasn't sure about the mid-life crisis thing. I think that the above pretty well says you are in a mid-life crisis and feel like you are entitled to cater to your own whims. That is really sad, because you are saying what you want is far more important than what your wife wants and she stuck by you when you had less and were committed to being as good a provider as possible. Then you at least had honor.

What I have felt from reading your first post is that you are playing with fire and hoping that you will get burned. It is not uncommon for someone whose marriage is in crisis to "act out" in ways that will eventually get them caught. You are subconsciously sabotaging your marriage in the hopes of having your wife end your marriage so you can take your new found wealth and blow it on cheap women much younger than yourself. You want your marriage to fail, you just don't have the courage to directly end it, so you sabotage it, hoping your wife will do the dirty work for you.

I would wager that since you role play at cheating with your wife, she fully knows what is going on, but just hasn't decided to pull the plug on your marriage quite yet. She probably also knows that you will eventually cross the line pretty soon and when you do, she will feel justified in emotionally and financially destroying you. If I were you, I would stop, and immediately get marriage counseling for you and your wife and serious individual counseling for you.

Yes, I saw where you were on your second therapist, have you talked to them about what your goal for therapy is? It should not be to make you feel better about trying to sabotage your marriage, or making you feel good about your entitlement attitude toward chasing other women. Your goal should be to transform yourself into a person that you are proud of and that who society will value.

You need to think about what people will say about you at your funeral. Do you want them to say that well he was a rich guy who enjoyed chasing young skirts or do you want them to talk about what a good person you were. Good people don't cheat on their marital vows.

While you get to live your life as you choose to, you have vowed certain things to your wife. You need to think about your word, your honor, and your ethics. If you want to cheat, you should first offer to work on saving your marriage with the help of a professional marriage counselor and if that doesn't work divorce your wife so you are morally free to chase other women.

Good luck.
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post #80 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:05 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I actually love my wife very much im just acting up like a kid without knowing why. It makes no sense at all if you analize this rationally.

Now that so many people here showed me that i could hurt her (daaa) i realize the danger im in. Maybe i needed to be bashed and her all your comments cause honestly i never thought about the damage i can create.

If i stop today completely i will only have to deal with myself. But at this point i think i will talk to my wife about this and tell her everything so that she has a say in it. Scares the hell out of me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Just compiling one problen on top of another. I know this is horrible. Im giving muself an ultimatum whuch btw i have not formulated clearly in my head yet.
A final piece of advice. Your ultimatum should be to stop contacting other women period, to set up a marriage counseling appointment for you and your wife. I would not tell her about your womanizing ways, cold, but only in front of a marriage counselor. While she probably knows all about this. You want her to be in a setting where there is an option of saving the marriage as opposed to just you and her talking, before she tells you what is on her mind.

Also set up a meeting with your own individual counselor and set up some tentative goals for therapy. It will help when you and your wife meet with the marriage counselor.


Good luck, you will need it.
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post #81 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
This is off the table for me now. I realized it was super stupid and will never do it again.

No, but since I have never had anything sexual with these women I can't tell for sure. I thought about the possibility of not going to be able to perform if it came down to it, but it might never happen.

The guy I'm seeing right now is a Psychiatrist, we are going through all this and sorting it out, finding solutions and meaning. Best thing is that he helps me stay on track and lets me know if I'm about to do something stupid (like talking to more women online). Since I started seeing him I abandoned my online dating profile all together and I now rarely interact with women other than normal life interactions. I still do get excited about the interaction, but it doesnt go as far as to exchanging phone numbers.

I do have the "Nice Guy Syndrome" too and was abiding by the rules like your ex. Seems to be a trap eventually. So men like us have 2 choices: act up on it and destroy marriages, or seek help and try to manage it. If you just sweep it under the carpet, it will be ok for a while then it will come back up again, unless you die. EleGirl thinks there is a fourth (and only) way: stuff myself in a garbage bin, pour gasoline on me and burn myself to ashes. I take 100% responsibility of all of this, that's why I'm still talking to you guys here. Some, like you, have offered really great insights into my situation.

I caught myself acting on it (call it emotional affair or affair), and I knew it was time to get help. Thats where I'm right now.
The underlined part is profoundly twisting my point of view.

My discussion with Aine was because she seemed to be making excuses for your cheating on your wife. That is not helpful.

Read the other threads here on TAM. See how much empathy/sympathy is given to any cheating spouse. None… well it goes beyond none, usually it’s complete contempt.

You seem to take no real respopnslibty for your cheating and down play it.

Yea, you say that you cry every night for 3 or so hours. But I’m picking up a real lack of you accepting that you have absolutely destroyed your marriage. The best way to ‘fix’ one’s self is to completely face the reality of the damage their actions cause.

Do you have any intent at all to tell your wife?

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-20-2017 at 02:16 PM.
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post #82 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

SuperConfusedHusband,

How many hours a week were you putting into searching out women online and dating them?

How many hours a week were you spending with your wife, just the two of you doing date-like things, aka quality time?
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post #83 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Also, someone asked you if you have ED. Your answer was that you don't know because you never had sex with these women.

Do you have sex with your wife? You would know if you are ED if you are having regular sex with your wife.
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post #84 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Also, someone asked you if you have ED. Your answer was that you don't know because you never had sex with these women.

Do you have sex with your wife? You would know if you are ED if you are having regular sex with your wife.
I should've clarified this a little bit better: no I do not have that problem.
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post #85 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 04:39 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I am going to advise you a tad different in reference to letting your wife know about your trespasses in regards to the women you used to patch up what is really wrong within you.

You may not show enough feelings right now regarding remorse because you are too busy figuring out what the hell is wrong with you and why you are engaging in such opposite behaviors as to who you were which was indeed quite good qualities in a man and faithful partner.

Your transgressions will only hurt your wife tremendously and she is an innocent party in all this mess YOU created and are solely responsible for. Go to couples' counseling and fall deeper in love with your wife so that you don't ever think that she is disposable, but a treasure that you need to keep and save at all costs.

I wish you better days ahead and that you find the inner peace that you need and a very loving and fulfilling marriage that doesn't involve other people in it just you and your wonderful, loving wife.

Please keep posting and letting us know how your progress is going!


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #86 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
I actually love my wife very much im just acting up like a kid without knowing why. It makes no sense at all if you analize this rationally.

Now that so many people here showed me that i could hurt her (daaa) i realize the danger im in. Maybe i needed to be bashed and her all your comments cause honestly i never thought about the damage i can create.

If i stop today completely i will only have to deal with myself. But at this point i think i will talk to my wife about this and tell her everything so that she has a say in it. Scares the hell out of me.
I agree, I dont see how you can hide all this stuff. Marriage is all about honesty and openness. Far better to tell her than she finds out for herself.
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post #87 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
A final piece of advice. Your ultimatum should be to stop contacting other women period, to set up a marriage counseling appointment for you and your wife. I would not tell her about your womanizing ways, cold, but only in front of a marriage counselor. While she probably knows all about this. You want her to be in a setting where there is an option of saving the marriage as opposed to just you and her talking, before she tells you what is on her mind.

Also set up a meeting with your own individual counselor and set up some tentative goals for therapy. It will help when you and your wife meet with the marriage counselor.


Good luck, you will need it.
To be honest if I was the wife, I would far rather be told with just him and me than with a third party there.
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post #88 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
I am going to advise you a tad different in reference to letting your wife know about your trespasses in regards to the women you used to patch up what is really wrong within you.

You may not show enough feelings right now regarding remorse because you are too busy figuring out what the hell is wrong with you and why you are engaging in such opposite behaviors as to who you were which was indeed quite good qualities in a man and faithful partner.

Your transgressions will only hurt your wife tremendously and she is an innocent party in all this mess YOU created and are solely responsible for. Go to couples' counseling and fall deeper in love with your wife so that you don't ever think that she is disposable, but a treasure that you need to keep and save at all costs.

I wish you better days ahead and that you find the inner peace that you need and a very loving and fulfilling marriage that doesn't involve other people in it just you and your wonderful, loving wife.

Please keep posting and letting us know how your progress is going!
If she were to find out on her own she would be far more hurt than if he was man enough to tell her himself.
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post #89 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Your disclosure that your acting out is contemporaneous with your hitting it big(ish) financially makes sense to me. Lots of people taste some success and it goes to their heads. They see the success as proof that they are specially worthy and entitled. If they act on this newfound sense of entitlement by feeding their now bloated egos, then there is often big trouble. Just look at the sorry tales of lottery winners.

In my opinion, you actively seek validation from women as part of your new ego, an ego that is full of itself because it has experienced some success and now wants to extend that to the sexual realm. You're financially the man, so now let's complete the picture by validating you as the desirable, sexual man.

I said it a few pages ago, but I still believe you should take the lesson of some successful people who have paid it forward. Stop the trolling, flirting, and sexual ego-stroking. Instead, volunteer for an adult literacy program or become a big brother, etc. Get your ego gratification in a socially redeemable way.

You can do it. You just have to want to do it.
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post #90 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 06:03 PM
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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Your disclosure that your acting out is contemporaneous with your hitting it big(ish) financially makes sense to me. Lots of people taste some success and it goes to their heads. They see the success as proof that they are specially worthy and entitled. If they act on this newfound sense of entitlement by feeding their now bloated egos, then there is often big trouble. Just look at the sorry tales of lottery winners.

In my opinion, you actively seek validation from women as part of your new ego, an ego that is full of itself because it has experienced some success and now wants to extend that to the sexual realm. You're financially the man, so now let's complete the picture by validating you as the desirable, sexual man.

I said it a few pages ago, but I still believe you should take the lesson of some successful people who have paid it forward. Stop the trolling, flirting, and sexual ego-stroking. Instead, volunteer for an adult literacy program or become a big brother, etc. Get your ego gratification in a socially redeemable way.

You can do it. You just have to want to do it.


You don't get it. Two things stroke a mans ego, money and sex. Go in a mans locker room that's all that is talked about. Go offshore and work with all men, that's all they talk about. What you suggest would not stroke a mans ego.


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