OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
If she were to find out on her own she would be far more hurt than if he was man enough to tell her himself.
I think I can understand what you are saying. However, as I was a man who when asked by a sex therapist with my wife present, if I had thought about divorcing my wife said that yes, I had. I was in a sex starved marriage and my wife would not have sex with me. I have taken vows of marriage not vows of celibacy. The sex therapist started the conversation by asking my wife what she thought the logical outcome would be if we never had sex again. After a lot of avoidance, my wife admitted to the sex therapist that yes, our marriage would probably end in divorce. I was next asked if I had thought about divorce. I told them both that I had researched the divorce laws in our state and had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with my wife (or someone else after divorce) by a certain major birthday, but that I had changed myself figured out how I had hurt my marriage and was committed to trying to save it. Did that hurt her? Yes. Was in in a setting where I was committing to trying to save the marriage and had actively taken steps to do so? Yes. Was it a setting where the sex therapist could try to help us both save our marriage (which she succeeded in)? Yes.

From all that I know, just telling my wife one on one, would not have likely saved our marriage as my wife needed to work through lots of issues.

The confused guy has done lots to destroy his marriage and my heart goes out to his poor wife. She needs whatever help she can get to get over this with our without her spouse. He at least seems to have some regret. Maybe it is enough to change and win back her love and trust. I would wager that will be a very tall order.

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post #92 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I'm a 44yo man married to a 35yo woman and super confused about my behavior. No kids. Financially very stable. Our marriage works, passion has dwindles some, but still strong. We also get along much better now than when we met. So I would summarize it as a great life and marriage.

About six months ago I started to create online dating site profiles and talk to women. I liked it so much that over 3 month I actually met several women just for coffee or dinner. I was into the thrill of it, not into the women so nothing happened.

Then 2 months ago I started emailing with a 21yo, sent her some money via paypal, and eventually met her once. Got a crush on her, but we dont talk anymore, she has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I met another woman, 29 yo and have a super huge crush on her now. I told her and she is not reciprocating so everything is back to normal (I will deal with my crush by myself). We still text.

I never had anything physical with any of these women, but I keep flirting with any woman I meet, cashiers, bystanders, coffee shop operators, business owners, you name it! I developed a technique that allows me to get their phone number in about 10-15 min of talking to them. I never call, I might text a couple of times, then I get tired and start flirting again with new girls.

What is the point of this? Am I going to end up badly? Anybody can make sense out of this? Soooo confused. Seeing a therapist now but he has not clue either.
1. People are going to judge you. Just accept it.

2. Why is it so concerning to you that a bunch of random, anonymous people from the Internet would judge you?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #93 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

You want to know how to get a handle on this. Gain some self respect, respect for your family, and self control. Most men experience urges, its that honorable men don't act on them.


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post #94 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:23 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I have a question for you--are you on an SSRI med? Just get on or off one, change your dose, change meds? My husband was on one and we had NO idea it could cause such relationship issues, but believe me, it can. I did some research on it and was shocked at how many stories there are of SSRIs wrecking marriages. They're known as the Divorce Pill in some instances. Takes away inhibitions. Can leave a person seeking new thrills just so they can feel something because the meds dampen even good feelings, not just the bad ones.

Anyway, just a thought.....
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post #95 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I have a question for you--are you on an SSRI med? Just get on or off one, change your dose, change meds? My husband was on one and we had NO idea it could cause such relationship issues, but believe me, it can. I did some research on it and was shocked at how many stories there are of SSRIs wrecking marriages. They're known as the Divorce Pill in some instances. Takes away inhibitions. Can leave a person seeking new thrills just so they can feel something because the meds dampen even good feelings, not just the bad ones.

Anyway, just a thought.....
Hey Tabitha,
good thought, but no, I dont take any meds, not even vitamins
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post #96 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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1. People are going to judge you. Just accept it.

2. Why is it so concerning to you that a bunch of random, anonymous people from the Internet would judge you?
I'm ok with being judged, but I'm really here to see if somebody can offer an insight into this and help me figure this out. I got a lot of support here and great insight! Love this group of people. And it's ok if some just want to see me dead, its natural.
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post #97 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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I think I can understand what you are saying. However, as I was a man who when asked by a sex therapist with my wife present, if I had thought about divorcing my wife said that yes, I had. I was in a sex starved marriage and my wife would not have sex with me. I have taken vows of marriage not vows of celibacy. The sex therapist started the conversation by asking my wife what she thought the logical outcome would be if we never had sex again. After a lot of avoidance, my wife admitted to the sex therapist that yes, our marriage would probably end in divorce. I was next asked if I had thought about divorce. I told them both that I had researched the divorce laws in our state and had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with my wife (or someone else after divorce) by a certain major birthday, but that I had changed myself figured out how I had hurt my marriage and was committed to trying to save it. Did that hurt her? Yes. Was in in a setting where I was committing to trying to save the marriage and had actively taken steps to do so? Yes. Was it a setting where the sex therapist could try to help us both save our marriage (which she succeeded in)? Yes.

From all that I know, just telling my wife one on one, would not have likely saved our marriage as my wife needed to work through lots of issues.

The confused guy has done lots to destroy his marriage and my heart goes out to his poor wife. She needs whatever help she can get to get over this with our without her spouse. He at least seems to have some regret. Maybe it is enough to change and win back her love and trust. I would wager that will be a very tall order.
Yeah this is tough one. Still debating if tell my wife and then how, with or without a therapist.
Today my wife and I discussed very openly with humor and interest the fact that over the weekend a car salesman (I bought a car to my wife) was hitting on her. I saw it, she tried to deny it at first, then admitted she too noticed something but wasnt sure. I told her it would be only natural since she is cute. Then she said that he was cute, but peobably too young for her, or her too old for him (he was in his 20s).

Ok see...people hit on other people wives and husbands and married people hit on other people. That looks an acceptable reality for my wife since she was able to discuss her interest with me without problems. I honestly dont know what would she say if I told her that I hit on ladies. Maybe she will just brush it off and say its normal and tell me: "just dont sleep with them". I have to ask her more directly maybe tomorrow.

I know I took it a step too far by going for coffee with them, but I never touched them. Not trying to excuse my behavior, just saying that since I never asked her what she thinks about me hitting on other ladies, I might be blowing this out of proportion, and stopped myself just in time!
I know that if I had kissed even one of those ladies that would not sit well with my wife.
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post #98 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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The underlined part is profoundly twisting my point of view.

My discussion with Aine was because she seemed to be making excuses for your cheating on your wife. That is not helpful.

Read the other threads here on TAM. See how much empathy/sympathy is given to any cheating spouse. None… well it goes beyond none, usually it’s complete contempt.

You seem to take no real respopnslibty for your cheating and down play it.

Yea, you say that you cry every night for 3 or so hours. But I’m picking up a real lack of you accepting that you have absolutely destroyed your marriage. The best way to ‘fix’ one’s self is to completely face the reality of the damage their actions cause.

Do you have any intent at all to tell your wife?
Gosh, Elle, I am not making excuses at all, there are NO excuses for cheating. Everyone has said what needs to be said in that regard and I was just exploring how a man could go from being perfectly normal to one who wants to constantly seek company of other women while married. It seems deeper than the mere selfishness of a cheater, but in no way am I making excuses!

Mid life crisis, gender identity issues, sexual addiction, etc all cause problems for marriages. Acting on them and cheating (which he already has done) doesn't make them excuses but problems that he needs to find help for after he tells his wife first.
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post #99 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:42 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

are you a sugar daddy
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post #100 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Please keep posting and letting us know how your progress is going!
I definitely will, thank you Bibi!

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post #101 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Yeah this is tough one. Still debating if tell my wife and then how, with or without a therapist.
too old for him (he was in his 20s).

Ok see...people hit on other people wives and husbands and married people hit on other people. That looks an acceptable reality for my wife since she was able to discuss her interest with me without problems. I honestly dont know what would she say if I told her that I hit on ladies. Maybe she will just brush it off and say its normal and tell me: "just dont sleep with them". I have to ask her more directly maybe tomorrow.

I know I took it a step too far by going for coffee with them, but I never touched them. Not trying to excuse my behavior, just saying that since I never asked her what she thinks about me hitting on other ladies, I might be blowing this out of proportion, and stopped myself just in time!
I know that if I had kissed even one of those ladies that would not sit well with my wife.
Oh no, no, no; don't minimize your transgressions regardless of how far you did or didn't go. Intent was there and that is enough to constitute cheating. You seeked more than once these OW. You dined and wined them. You also were monetarily generous with them. You stole time, attention, and assets that belonged to the marriage and most certainly to your WIFE. That is Cheating no matter what you think. Just turn it around and be the one on the receiving end of the deceit. I am certain that you wouldn't just brush it off as just people always flirt with other people even if they are married.

Did your wife initiate the flirting? Did she openly engage or did she shy away? Maybe she didn't put him in his place for whatever reason, but in the past when I was younger; I had no problem putting men that openly flirted with me in their place. My vows meant something and I demanded respect if they decided to ignore my wedding bands which I always wore. Just because some people accept this behavior doesn't mean it is right and should be dismissed. It's flat out disrespectful. This is something you and your wife need to realize. Your marriage lacks boundaries. You may need to read Boundaries in Marriage as well as Not Just Friends among other reads.

Make no mistake about it; Your wife will be devastated if you tell her what you did. It's really bad. She will NOT trust you and rightfully so. She probably won't get over the deceit. That is the worst part. The lies destroy trust. She will NOT believe that you weren't physical and the mind movies will not allow her to live in peace.

Is your wife the independent type that knows her worth? If she is, she will dump you for sure! It may not be right away, but once the shock wears off, she will let you go to save her own sanity. You will not be worth it in the long run. I speak from experience, both from personal experience and from the type of work I do and see what eventually happens once trust has been destroyed. Humpty Dumpty CANNOT be put together again. That is the norm, not the exception. Her trust will be forever broken just like Humpty.

Will she recover, yes; but more than likely not your marriage though.

This is why we are trying to help you. Don't minimize just how much your actions have jeopardized your marriage. It was or is very close to destroying it!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #102 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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are you a sugar daddy
Nope because every time I would buy something for somebody it's for free. I think sugar daddies exchange sex for gifts or something like that.
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post #103 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Yeah this is tough one. Still debating if tell my wife and then how, with or without a therapist.
Today my wife and I discussed very openly with humor and interest the fact that over the weekend a car salesman (I bought a car to my wife) was hitting on her. I saw it, she tried to deny it at first, then admitted she too noticed something but wasnt sure. I told her it would be only natural since she is cute. Then she said that he was cute, but peobably too young for her, or her too old for him (he was in his 20s).

Ok see...people hit on other people wives and husbands and married people hit on other people. That looks an acceptable reality for my wife since she was able to discuss her interest with me without problems. I honestly dont know what would she say if I told her that I hit on ladies. Maybe she will just brush it off and say its normal and tell me: "just dont sleep with them". I have to ask her more directly maybe tomorrow.

I know I took it a step too far by going for coffee with them, but I never touched them. Not trying to excuse my behavior, just saying that since I never asked her what she thinks about me hitting on other ladies, I might be blowing this out of proportion, and stopped myself just in time!

I know that if I had kissed even one of those ladies that would not sit well with my wife.
You did more than hit on those women, as you admit. The most precious thing we have in our lives in time because once use, the time is gone. And the second most precious thing is what we do with that time... instead of giving the attention to your wife, you gave it to women who mean nothing.
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post #104 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Nope because every time I would buy something for somebody it's for free. I think sugar daddies exchange sex for gifts or something like that.
You gave it to women who spent time with you, right? So no it was not free. You got something back from those women.
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post #105 of 202 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:59 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

If your wife was doing what you are doing you would be foaming at the mouth from anger. You don't need to be married. Cut your wife loose and let her find a man who will think the sun rises and sets just for her, because obviously you don't.
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