OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 244Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:02 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

SuperConfusedHusband,

You are not answering a lot of the questions that are asked. You want input but then do not reply when people ask things that they feel would help them help you.

I had asked you how much time you spent seeking out other women, taking them out to spend money on them and out to dinner, etc.

And then how much time you spend alone with your wife in quality time, doing date-like things.

These are important questions.

EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post

This is why we are trying to help you. Don't minimize just how much your actions have jeopardized your marriage. It was or is very close to destroying it!
I knew my post will raise this problem about me minimizing things. I'm not, trust me. I know I'm this close to mess things up. Love all the help I can get.

My point in my story was that I realized that my wife and I have a great communication about these things. We can openly talk about us as sexual beings. And I'm wondering at this point if flirting for my wife is an innocent action. She did flirt with the guy, I was there and saw it, but I just found it amusing because I know it was just play. Her behavior was very acceptable.

My behavior however, went too far: dinners and gifts...thats pathetic, I should have not gone that far and now regret it.

This is something that we have never explored as couple: is innocent flirting with others acceptable? Well, apparently, seeing what happened with the car salesman, to my wife it is (at least at a subconscious level)! I think she didnt even noticed...it just happened!

Could this be a starting point for us (wife and I) to discuss my problem? Could I flirt with a woman in front of her and see what happens? I have actually done it before and she would just find it amusing and laugh and sometimes participate.

Just throwing out thoughts.
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
post #108 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:11 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
SuperConfusedHusband,

You are not answering a lot of the questions that are asked. You want input but then do not reply when people ask things that they feel would help them help you.

I had asked you how much time you spent seeking out other women, taking them out to spend money on them and out to dinner, etc.

And then how much time you spend alone with your wife in quality time, doing date-like things.

These are important questions.
Ok I'm not really answering any of your questions because you are clearly jut looking for an excuse to pick a fight with me because you just hate me. I'm ok with that, but I'm not going to participate in it.

Wanna talk about time? Lets see...my wife leaves for months at a time, 3-4 times a year, goes to Italy with her friends who are single so yeah...they go to bars and such to "have fun", and I stay home with the cats.
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
 
post #109 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:12 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
I knew my post will raise this problem about me minimizing things. I'm not, trust me. I know I'm this close to mess things up. Love all the help I can get.

My point in my story was that I realized that my wife and I have a great communication about these things. We can openly talk about us as sexual beings. And I'm wondering at this point if flirting for my wife is an innocent action. She did flirt with the guy, I was there and saw it, but I just found it amusing because I know it was just play. Her behavior was very acceptable.

My behavior however, went too far: dinners and gifts...thats pathetic, I should have not gone that far and now regret it.

This is something that we have never explored as couple: is innocent flirting with others acceptable? Well, apparently, seeing what happened with the car salesman, to my wife it is (at least at a subconscious level)! I think she didnt even noticed...it just happened!

Could this be a starting point for us (wife and I) to discuss my problem? Could I flirt with a woman in front of her and see what happens? I have actually done it before and she would just find it amusing and laugh and sometimes participate.

Just throwing out thoughts.
I think it's a dangerous game knowing what you have been doing.
EleGirl is offline  
post #110 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:14 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,652
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
I knew my post will raise this problem about me minimizing things. I'm not, trust me. I know I'm this close to mess things up. Love all the help I can get.

My point in my story was that I realized that my wife and I have a great communication about these things. We can openly talk about us as sexual beings. And I'm wondering at this point if flirting for my wife is an innocent action. She did flirt with the guy, I was there and saw it, but I just found it amusing because I know it was just play. Her behavior was very acceptable.

My behavior however, went too far: dinners and gifts...thats pathetic, I should have not gone that far and now regret it.

This is something that we have never explored as couple: is innocent flirting with others acceptable? Well, apparently, seeing what happened with the car salesman, to my wife it is (at least at a subconscious level)! I think she didnt even noticed...it just happened!

Could this be a starting point for us (wife and I) to discuss my problem? Could I flirt with a woman in front of her and see what happens? I have actually done it before and she would just find it amusing and laugh and sometimes participate.

Just throwing out thoughts.

Well, you both have some work to do in regards to boundaries. You lack very important ones. Your marriage may not survive without them. Couples counseling is a must now, for both of YOU. Flirting and allowing your spouse to flirt is playing with fire and you will eventually get burned. That is quite frankly disrespectful. If you can't see it and she can't either; you guys need to read and acquire some very needed knowledge in what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and boundaries in marriage. You two are lucky neither one of you have crossed some serious lines that should never be crossed.

Keep posting and realize that we are all human and none of us came into our marriages with the proper tools needed to make our marriages strong enough to not be extremely vulnerable in some points during our journeys coupled with our marriage partners. Hopefully yours is til death due you part and not until life's curve balls crashed it to its early demise.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
Bibi1031 is online now  
post #111 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:16 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Ok I'm not really answering any of your questions because you are clearly jut looking for an excuse to pick a fight with me because you just hate me. I'm ok with that, but I'm not going to participate in it.
I already told you that your assessment that I hate you is nonsense.

You are a stranger on the internet. Why would I put so much energy into something like this to hate you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Wanna talk about time? Lets see...my wife leaves for months at a time, 3-4 times a year, goes to Italy with her friends who are single so yeah...they go to bars and such to "have fun", and I stay home with the cats.
I thought you also said that you travel at times.

So were you dating women when your wife was away and/or when you traveled?

I was wondering how you found the time to date all those women with a wife at home. But I guess she was not at home.

Maybe the two of you being apart so much is part of the problem. She is not meeting your need for companionship.

Or did you search out these women and date them when your wife was sitting at home?
EleGirl is offline  
post #112 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I already told you that your assessment that I hate you is nonsense.

You are a stranger on the internet. Why would I put so much energy into something like this to hate you?



I thought you also said that you travel at times.

So were you dating women when your wife was away and/or when you traveled?

I was wondering how you found the time to date all those women with a wife at home. But I guess she was not at home.

Maybe the two of you being apart so much is part of the problem. She is not meeting your need for companionship.

Or did you search out these women and date them when your wife was sitting at home?
Because of what I do for a living, I have lots of free time. I have seen women during the day and sometimes in the eveneing but only when my wife was away. When she is not here, I'm extremely lonely but I encourage her to go and have fun, I mean she is young and wants to explore so...and I love it honestly.
When she is not here, I feel lonely but I also enjoy my freedom.
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
post #113 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:34 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,652
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Because of what I do for a living, I have lots of free time. I have seen women during the day and sometimes in the eveneing but only when my wife was away. When she is not here, I'm extremely lonely but I encourage her to go and have fun, I mean she is young and wants to explore so...and I love it honestly.
When she is not here, I feel lonely but I also enjoy my freedom.
Oh boy, you and your wife are way too naive and quite frankly have very loose ideas as to what constitutes marriage vows and acceptable behavior. You equal freedom to some things that I can't even begin to explain. It's just too darn loose in both the behaviors accepted and the definitions of those behaviors as being OK and healthy for your marriage.


No wonder you felt it was OK to get on sites and seek other females. Maybe she has done the same. After all what the heck is stopping her? It's not you for sure as you seem to encourage it with the blind trust you write on here. I remember a co-worker that didn't like to dance, but her husband loved it. Well, she thought it was OK for him to go to clubs and dance his feet til he grew tired. Come midlife and her husband found his new soulmate in one of those dancing clubs. There are certain things that married people are just not allowed to do. It's playing with fire and the burn will turn your naiveness into deep sorrow and regret.

I hope you haven't burned your marriage to a crisp, or her for that matter. Your counseling sessions will be extremely interesting for sure. I hope you find a mature, respectable therapist that can help you with your boundaries and solidify your marriage and make it a very strong, healthy one!

Sadly, it is far from healthy at this point in time and it's extremely vulnerable and easy to destroy as well.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
Bibi1031 is online now  
post #114 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:35 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Because of what I do for a living, I have lots of free time. I have seen women during the day and sometimes in the eveneing but only when my wife was away. When she is not here, I'm extremely lonely but I encourage her to go and have fun, I mean she is young and wants to explore so...and I love it honestly.
When she is not here, I feel lonely but I also enjoy my freedom.
Well gee, it would have been good to know this from the start. All the nonsense about your teenage years and midlife crises is, well nonsense.

There is really nothing wrong with you except that you are not speaking up to your wife (and well that you have been cheating).

See you wife is not meeting your important emotional needs. There is no way she can ben since the two of you are not spending enough time together. So you have been filling that void with other women. A huge percentage of the population would do the same thing. It starts out platonic/emotional and eventually turns physical/sexual.

You encourage your wife to spend her time away from you? Sure some of that is ok. But a lot of time apart, months at a time will destroy your marriage.

There is a book that might help you: "His Needs, Her Needs". In the book, the author says that a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them in quality time. This is to maintain the passion in their marriage. Since you have so much free time, the two of you could be spending a lot more than that together.

Do you two have any hobbies that you do together?
EleGirl is offline  
post #115 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 4,967
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greygeese View Post
You don't get it. Two things stroke a mans ego, money and sex. Go in a mans locker room that's all that is talked about. Go offshore and work with all men, that's all they talk about. What you suggest would not stroke a mans ego.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I get it just fine. I'm suggesting that he take a step back from 'stroking his ego' here because he's ruining his marriage. The energy he's putting into 'stroking his ego' by trolling for sex needs to go somewhere else or one of the other things that men take pride in, creating a family, will be worth nothing.

alte Dame is offline  
post #116 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Well gee, it would have been good to know this from the start. All the nonsense about your teenage years and midlife crises is, well nonsense.
I still think my repressed past has something o do with this

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
There is really nothing wrong with you except that you are not speaking up to your wife (and well that you have been cheating).
Speaking up to her about what? That she wants to travel and have fun? I would hate myself deeply if she stopped to stay home with me to keep me company. I just have to learn to keep it in my pants when she is not around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
See you wife is not meeting your important emotional needs. There is no way she can ben since the two of you are not spending enough time together. So you have been filling that void with other women. A huge percentage of the population would do the same thing. It starts out platonic/emotional and eventually turns physical/sexual.
True true true...very slippery slope once started. It starts more intensely when she is away, and typically I was able to contain it until she comes back, but lately it just overflowed and I kept flirting with women during the day even when my wife if back home.
On the other hand, if she was always with me, I would go crazy! I mean I also need to see other people and she needs that too. This is marriage counseling stuff, because I now recognize that I dont have a good connection with her when it comes to certain mundane things, like movies to see, places to see, activities to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
You encourage your wife to spend her time away from you? Sure some of that is ok. But a lot of time apart, months at a time will destroy your marriage.

There is a book that might help you: "His Needs, Her Needs". In the book, the author says that a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them in quality time. This is to maintain the passion in their marriage. Since you have so much free time, the two of you could be spending a lot more than that together.
I have free time, she does not. She is a teacher and yes...basically leaves the whole summer. in 2017 she went 2 weekends to visit some friends, 1 weekend to do a march in Boston, 1 week to florida to see her mom then extended it to 2 weeks. So lets see...so far out of 100 days she has been gone for about 30, and the rest of them she works. Gee I didnt realize that! Hmmmm interesting.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Do you two have any hobbies that you do together?
Almost nothing! lol seriously! We like food (not a hobby). Crap now I'm discovering all this! We seriously dont do much together...forget the 15 hours weekly in that book lol. Hmmmmm so many thoughts...at least I'm not crying tonight LOL
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
post #117 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
I get it just fine. I'm suggesting that he take a step back from 'stroking his ego' here because he's ruining his marriage. The energy he's putting into 'stroking his ego' by trolling for sex needs to go somewhere else or one of the other things that men take pride in, creating a family, will be worth nothing.
Dame: it is a enormous rush when I'm "in character" and talking to girls. Feels like a superstar performing on stage! My ego in those moments is super huge!

Spot on!
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
post #118 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:05 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
I still think my repressed past has something o do with this



Speaking up to her about what? That she wants to travel and have fun? I would hate myself deeply if she stopped to stay home with me to keep me company. I just have to learn to keep it in my pants when she is not around.



True true true...very slippery slope once started. It starts more intensely when she is away, and typically I was able to contain it until she comes back, but lately it just overflowed and I kept flirting with women during the day even when my wife if back home.
On the other hand, if she was always with me, I would go crazy! I mean I also need to see other people and she needs that too. This is marriage counseling stuff, because I now recognize that I dont have a good connection with her when it comes to certain mundane things, like movies to see, places to see, activities to do.



I have free time, she does not. She is a teacher and yes...basically leaves the whole summer. in 2017 she went 2 weekends to visit some friends, 1 weekend to do a march in Boston, 1 week to florida to see her mom then extended it to 2 weeks. So lets see...so far out of 100 days she has been gone for about 30, and the rest of them she works. Gee I didnt realize that! Hmmmm interesting.




Almost nothing! lol seriously! We like food (not a hobby). Crap now I'm discovering all this! We seriously dont do much together...forget the 15 hours weekly in that book lol. Hmmmmm so many thoughts...at least I'm not crying tonight LOL
The 15 hours a week is a minimum. Forget them and you can forget your marriage in the long run.
EleGirl is offline  
post #119 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:05 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,195
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Dame: it is a enormous rush when I'm "in character" and talking to girls. Feels like a superstar performing on stage! My ego in those moments is super huge!

Spot on!
And how do these women react?

What do you talk about when you are with them?
EleGirl is offline  
post #120 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Beween here and there.
Posts: 156
Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
And how do these women react?

What do you talk about when you are with them?
Lol I can give you a very detailed version of what I do...wanna go for it?
SuperConfusedHusband is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband has left me. So confused about whether I can turn this around keljoy76 Going Through Divorce or Separation 9 02-21-2017 02:25 AM
So confused stewart66 Coping with Infidelity 17 02-20-2017 05:28 AM
How to stop ALL Passive aggressive behavior including silent treatment? thread the needle General Relationship Discussion 159 06-20-2016 09:29 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome