OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:11 PM Thread Starter
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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I'm a 44yo man married to a 35yo woman and super confused about my behavior. No kids. Financially very stable. Our marriage works, passion has dwindles some, but still strong. We also get along much better now than when we met. So I would summarize it as a great life and marriage.

About six months ago I started to create online dating site profiles and talk to women. I liked it so much that over 3 month I actually met several women just for coffee or dinner. I was into the thrill of it, not into the women so nothing happened.

Then 2 months ago I started emailing with a 21yo, sent her some money via paypal, and eventually met her once. Got a crush on her, but we dont talk anymore, she has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I met another woman, 29 yo and have a super huge crush on her now. I told her and she is not reciprocating so everything is back to normal (I will deal with my crush by myself). We still text.

I never had anything physical with any of these women, but I keep flirting with any woman I meet, cashiers, bystanders, coffee shop operators, business owners, you name it! I developed a technique that allows me to get their phone number in about 10-15 min of talking to them. I never call, I might text a couple of times, then I get tired and start flirting again with new girls.

What is the point of this? Am I going to end up badly? Anybody can make sense out of this? Soooo confused. Seeing a therapist now but he has not clue either.

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post #2 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:22 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Sounds like a mid-life crisis.
You are about the right age for it.
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post #3 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Secondguessing View Post
Sounds like a mid-life crisis.
You are about the right age for it.
Mid life crisis is about not being satisfied with your job or life in general isn't it? I discussed this possibility with my therapist but he seems to think it's not that simple.
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post #4 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

And your wife has no idea? And do these other women know that you are married?

You should tell her....and let her divorce you if she wants to. Even if you are not physical with other women, it really really sucks when your husband is into someone else. Period.

At least suggest an open marriage so that she can date also.
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post #5 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

You are addicted to the attention. As soon as one of these younger women reciprocates that you find attractive, you'll be a cheater, and yes, it will ruin your marriage.

What you're doing is not unlike a porn addiction or a gambling addiction. You keep doing it because you like the high that goes with it. Make no mistake, your addiction will ruin your marriage and you will hate yourself.

Get a new therapist that deals with addictions. At least you have enough perspective to realize you have a problem.
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post #6 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:44 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Mid life crisis is about not being satisfied with your job or life in general isn't it? I discussed this possibility with my therapist but he seems to think it's not that simple.
Well you are in the right age group and doing some pretty darn simple things that most people in the brinks of midlife do. You are fantasizing about having a fling. You are dipping your toes, pretty soon you will fall straight into an affair and then the midlife crisis will begin.

Seek another therapist. This one is not a good match for a man your age. Find a male one that has experience with men going through midlife and avoid a crisis. Midlife is a right of passage just like teenage years. Some come out of it with their lives pretty much better than before and some really mess up just like teenagers that engage in risky behaviors like doing drugs, experimenting sexually, feeling depresses or unfullfilled and bored.

You are into risky behaviors of the sexual type. You will eventually get caught if you don't nip these fantasies in the bud. If you want a new life, then leave your wife and seek a new partner or partners. You are not a teenager anymore. At midlife engaging in these risky behaviors can be very harmful to you in the long run. Did you sow your oats when you were young? Do you feel you missed out on something in your youth and now you feel the need to explore what you didn't explore in your youth?

If you love your wife, then seek help and get into some midlife crisis forums. You will see that what you are doing is indeed very normal of what others do during midlife. Please seek help so that you can make an informed decision about which route you wish to take at this point in your life.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #7 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You are addicted to the attention. As soon as one of these younger women reciprocates that you find attractive, you'll be a cheater, and yes, it will ruin your marriage.

What you're doing is not unlike a porn addiction or a gambling addiction. You keep doing it because you like the high that goes with it. Make no mistake, your addiction will ruin your marriage and you will hate yourself.

Get a new therapist that deals with addictions. At least you have enough perspective to realize you have a problem.
Exactly. Great post. Well said.
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post #8 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Men are predators by nature. You love the chase and conquest. You love the attention. You can't get that kind of thrill from your spouse.

Yes, this will end badly. VERY BADLY. You will hurt your wife irreparably and destroy your marriage. And you will NOT be happier for it. All the thrill of your stealth activities will be gone in a poof when you're suddenly just some single middle aged man trying desperately to not spend his nights alone.

I like the idea of seeing someone who specializes in addiction over just general counseling.

You also might see if your wife would be interested in role playing, where she's sitting alone at the bar and you go hit on her pretending you're strangers. (I've seen it done in movies...)
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post #9 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I know one way to fix this if you actually still love your wife....

Just be in a dark corner at a bar where you're looking up women to prey on. Then watch your wife come in and start flirting with another man and see him take her out the door. If you care about her at all, it will likely cure you of your bs. Sad thing is, your wife probably isn't that devoid of character and it will never happen.

What you're doing would hurt your wife to the point of her not wanting to live for a long time, if she found out. You'll never know pain until you experience someone doing to you what you're doing to your wife.

Please find a way to stop, or cut her loose.
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post #10 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:17 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Your marriage is dead. You just don't know it yet. You killed it.

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post #11 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:31 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Your marriage is dead. You just don't know it yet. You killed it.
Dang slkillme, you are extreme dude!

He is at a crossroads, like most peeps at midlife are. He is going through his second adolescence so to speak. I wonder if he even had his first adolescence at all? Maybe he just did what his family expected him to do. Please talk to us OP. I know my X husband engaged in gambling and drinking before fantasizing about OW and then finally seeking an AP because he was so miserable inside himself, that he thought our marriage and me were at fault for his internal pollution.

He seeked outside solutions to his internal pollution. The last one I tolerated was of course the affair. He mistakenly thought that if he was able to cheat it was because he had fallen in love. That of course was not true and his affair ended 5 months after we separated. He has had many girlfriends since his second chance at love failed.

He is not happy. He has aged tremendously and drinks a bit too much. His children see him as an ATM machine as well as his girlfriends of course. He has had a steady girlfriend for the past 7 years, yet I come across his profile on singles sites now and again. They don't live together and she is with him because she gets money from him. He cheats and I doubt that she is clueless about it. He will probably never change.

Oh, and he was classic midlife crisis. The red convertible and the motorcycle came with the OW as well. Poster child for midlife crisis!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #12 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:48 PM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I know one way to fix this if you actually still love your wife....

Just be in a dark corner at a bar where you're looking up women to prey on. Then watch your wife come in and start flirting with another man and see him take her out the door. If you care about her at all, it will likely cure you of your bs. Sad thing is, your wife probably isn't that devoid of character and it will never happen.

What you're doing would hurt your wife to the point of her not wanting to live for a long time, if she found out. You'll never know pain until you experience someone doing to you what you're doing to your wife.

Please find a way to stop, or cut her loose.
Well said...very well said...
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post #13 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:31 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

I honestly doubt that he will care enough to change. It seems that he is out to seek thrills like others have mentioned as addictions. If he is addicted to the chase of women, I seriously doubt that he really feels anything deep for anyone at this point in his life.

He is bored with life and something inside him is missing. That is why he is seeking thrills. He is like most teenagers that are bored. He just wants to feel something. His wife doesn't cut it for him anymore, his addiction of choice won't either for long. He needs to find the answers that are within and not external. Very hard thing to do. Most of us are not that deep. Hence why we seek thrills/addictions to get rid of our feelings of boredom, fear, disillusion, despair, depression etc.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #14 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

I had two girlfriends walk me to school when I was 11 and got a visit from our parish priest about the makeout parties I was organizing after school. I tried to be monogamous once but my ex fiancee cheated on me and that was it for monogamy. My wife knew all about me years before we met. Had even seen my pictures. Word of mouth was that I was good in bed but not good to enter into a relationship with. Plus I was kinky which attracted all the local kinky girls.

I think I had sex with 4 girls in my first year of marriage. My wife knew of the first and that is when we decided to be non monogamous. My wife knew that I could never just be with one woman sexually. Genetically men are designed to impregnate a few women every day of their life. We are genetically attracted to women who we feel have good genes and to mate with them. Some feel these genetic urges more of less than others. It is estimated that as many as 70% of men cheat. Every boss, man or woman, has cheated on their spouses. I knew this because I travelled with them on business and they did not hide it. All of the siblings of my wife and I cheated as did all of our old friends. It seems that when you vow to be sexuall faithful, it is done with a wink and a nod.

Anyway, our solution was to be in what some call an ethical non monogamous marriage. We did not go looking for sex partners but if one came our way, we could have sex with them. We also got into various forms of group sex. That gave me what I needed and also my wife who was a virgin when we married and curious about sex with others. For all she knew, sex could be much better with others than with me. Quite the opposite happened when she told me that I was more than enough man for her and she no longer wanted to have sex with other men. That still left me with my needs, so she started inviting her girlfriends to join us in bed. We did that about 3-4 times and ended up inviting her best friend to live with us and join our marriage. Our girlfriend was in our life for 30 years and would still be had not fate intervened.

I also dated a few women, maybe 7 in our 44 years of marriage that I had sex with without my wife. My wife was content with me and her girlfriend and she constantly refused to date men or have another man join us in bed since our girlfriend had no objections. Yet she said no and still says no even though she is free to date others if she wants to. It is only fair since she allowed me freedom and shared her lovers with me for most of our marriage.

Read my signature below. It is my belief. We tend to cling to what we learned and were told how to behave, even though it results in a 50% divorce rate. I sometime think monogamy is crazy due to all the cheating going one, little of which is known about. Last study I saw had men at 70% and women at 50-60% cheating and catching up each year. Most of that is due to social media and dating sites. In my time we had to meet girls in our everyday activities. For me that meant at work or traveling by public transportation to and from work. In fact, I met my wife on a train coming home from work.

What I think is most crazy is that to have sex with a woman, other than your wife, for just one night, the moral thing is to first destroy your marriage by divorce, split your assets, fight over property and custody of kids and financially ruin each other. Then and only then can you morally have sex with another women that means nothing more than sex. There is still an element of ownership of each other in marriage. Why does sex with someone else have to be the biggest sin in marriage? Sex can be just sex. Jealousy and monogamy had a very real purpose at one time. The man did not want to waste his limited time and resources raising a kid that did not carry his genes back in ancient times. The women needed the man to stick around to protect and provide for her and her children. So monogamy made sense in olden days. Now women do not need a man other than to donate sperm. She get protected by the police and military. She buys her food in a supermarket and can work to earn her own money. There is DNA testing to determine who the father is. In my day all they good do is blood typing which only limited the child to men with your blood type and not specifically to you.

Having sex with someone other than your spouse does not have to mean you love them less or not at all. My wife and I always kept each other and our marriage above all else. We did not experience jealousy because jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of loss. We did not fear losing each other to someone else and we were very secure in who we are and what we brought to the table. We were able to have sex with others and love other people with no harm to our 44 year marriage. We had periods of time when we were poly, engaged in group sex and were monogamous as we are now. We both experienced what is called compersion which is joy in your partner's pleasure. It is however a way to design your own marriage rather than stick with the one that will follows rules that do not work half the time. Read the article below for details about my kind of marriage.

Not suggesting it to others as there is a large mental component to it to divert from what we have been told and the emotions that will try to surface. Most feel ownership of their spouse's sexual pleasure and that will not work in my kind of marriage. In fact, if you read the article you will learn that jealous can exist with compersion. You just have to be mentally strong enough to not let it interfere. So I cannot judge you even if I wanted to. I have been judged most of my life by the marriage police but they are all divorced now and many had cheated. For some reason they feel that cheating is still within a monogamous framework since it is considered cheating and not a non monogamous marriage. Go figure. Read this.

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #15 of 279 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 12:47 AM
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Re: OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

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Dang slkillme, you are extreme dude!

He is at a crossroads, like most peeps at midlife are. He is going through his second adolescence so to speak. I wonder if he even had his first adolescence at all? Maybe he just did what his family expected him to do. Please talk to us OP. I know my X husband engaged in gambling and drinking before fantasizing about OW and then finally seeking an AP because he was so miserable inside himself, that he thought our marriage and me were at fault for his internal pollution.

He seeked outside solutions to his internal pollution. The last one I tolerated was of course the affair. He mistakenly thought that if he was able to cheat it was because he had fallen in love. That of course was not true and his affair ended 5 months after we separated. He has had many girlfriends since his second chance at love failed.

He is not happy. He has aged tremendously and drinks a bit too much. His children see him as an ATM machine as well as his girlfriends of course. He has had a steady girlfriend for the past 7 years, yet I come across his profile on singles sites now and again. They don't live together and she is with him because she gets money from him. He cheats and I doubt that she is clueless about it. He will probably never change.

Oh, and he was classic midlife crisis. The red convertible and the motorcycle came with the OW as well. Poster child for midlife crisis!
Not trying to be harsh just speaking the truth, his wife is going to find out eventually and that will be the death of his marriage as he knows it. Even if she doesn't find out. These conquests aren't going to fix his insecurities and all he will be left with it guilt. The marriage as he knows it is dead. Your ex is a poster child for this stuff. OP will be their shortly. Relational death by self inflicted wound

Most men I know in their Mid 40's are struggling with getting older and realizing our youth is gone. The ones with character don't forget that we made commitments to our wives and still have honor to uphold. Most of all we love our loyal wives and know our job is to protect them even if we feel like we are getting old. Life is hard for everyone. It gets tiring to read these post over and over where people discard their loved ones feelings like they mean little more then a candy wrapper.
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