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OPEN confession of a confused man. (please dont judge)

24K views 278 replies 36 participants last post by  Malaise 
#1 ·
I'm a 44yo man married to a 35yo woman and super confused about my behavior. No kids. Financially very stable. Our marriage works, passion has dwindles some, but still strong. We also get along much better now than when we met. So I would summarize it as a great life and marriage.

About six months ago I started to create online dating site profiles and talk to women. I liked it so much that over 3 month I actually met several women just for coffee or dinner. I was into the thrill of it, not into the women so nothing happened.

Then 2 months ago I started emailing with a 21yo, sent her some money via paypal, and eventually met her once. Got a crush on her, but we dont talk anymore, she has a boyfriend. 3 weeks ago I met another woman, 29 yo and have a super huge crush on her now. I told her and she is not reciprocating so everything is back to normal (I will deal with my crush by myself). We still text.

I never had anything physical with any of these women, but I keep flirting with any woman I meet, cashiers, bystanders, coffee shop operators, business owners, you name it! I developed a technique that allows me to get their phone number in about 10-15 min of talking to them. I never call, I might text a couple of times, then I get tired and start flirting again with new girls.

What is the point of this? Am I going to end up badly? Anybody can make sense out of this? Soooo confused. Seeing a therapist now but he has not clue either.
 
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#5 ·
You are addicted to the attention. As soon as one of these younger women reciprocates that you find attractive, you'll be a cheater, and yes, it will ruin your marriage.

What you're doing is not unlike a porn addiction or a gambling addiction. You keep doing it because you like the high that goes with it. Make no mistake, your addiction will ruin your marriage and you will hate yourself.

Get a new therapist that deals with addictions. At least you have enough perspective to realize you have a problem.
 
#8 ·
Men are predators by nature. You love the chase and conquest. You love the attention. You can't get that kind of thrill from your spouse.

Yes, this will end badly. VERY BADLY. You will hurt your wife irreparably and destroy your marriage. And you will NOT be happier for it. All the thrill of your stealth activities will be gone in a poof when you're suddenly just some single middle aged man trying desperately to not spend his nights alone.

I like the idea of seeing someone who specializes in addiction over just general counseling.

You also might see if your wife would be interested in role playing, where she's sitting alone at the bar and you go hit on her pretending you're strangers. (I've seen it done in movies...)
 
#23 ·
You also might see if your wife would be interested in role playing, where she's sitting alone at the bar and you go hit on her pretending you're strangers. (I've seen it done in movies...)
Love this input, because we actually do this. As an example: yesterday wife and I were at a restaurant sitting in a booth, I got up, sat next to her and slowly started touching her leg under the table. Nobody could see. Then I asked her to go to the bathroom and take her panties off and bring them to me. She was intrigued by this, laughed, thought about it and said she doesnt have the right kind of underwear today. This morning when I woke up she was already up but I found her underwear on my nightstand :laugh:.
 
#9 ·
I know one way to fix this if you actually still love your wife....

Just be in a dark corner at a bar where you're looking up women to prey on. Then watch your wife come in and start flirting with another man and see him take her out the door. If you care about her at all, it will likely cure you of your bs. Sad thing is, your wife probably isn't that devoid of character and it will never happen.

What you're doing would hurt your wife to the point of her not wanting to live for a long time, if she found out. You'll never know pain until you experience someone doing to you what you're doing to your wife.

Please find a way to stop, or cut her loose.
 
#11 ·
Dang slkillme, you are extreme dude!

He is at a crossroads, like most peeps at midlife are. He is going through his second adolescence so to speak. I wonder if he even had his first adolescence at all? Maybe he just did what his family expected him to do. Please talk to us OP. I know my X husband engaged in gambling and drinking before fantasizing about OW and then finally seeking an AP because he was so miserable inside himself, that he thought our marriage and me were at fault for his internal pollution.

He seeked outside solutions to his internal pollution. The last one I tolerated was of course the affair. He mistakenly thought that if he was able to cheat it was because he had fallen in love. That of course was not true and his affair ended 5 months after we separated. He has had many girlfriends since his second chance at love failed.

He is not happy. He has aged tremendously and drinks a bit too much. His children see him as an ATM machine as well as his girlfriends of course. He has had a steady girlfriend for the past 7 years, yet I come across his profile on singles sites now and again. They don't live together and she is with him because she gets money from him. He cheats and I doubt that she is clueless about it. He will probably never change.

Oh, and he was classic midlife crisis. The red convertible and the motorcycle came with the OW as well. Poster child for midlife crisis!:(
 
#13 ·
I honestly doubt that he will care enough to change. It seems that he is out to seek thrills like others have mentioned as addictions. If he is addicted to the chase of women, I seriously doubt that he really feels anything deep for anyone at this point in his life.

He is bored with life and something inside him is missing. That is why he is seeking thrills. He is like most teenagers that are bored. He just wants to feel something. His wife doesn't cut it for him anymore, his addiction of choice won't either for long. He needs to find the answers that are within and not external. Very hard thing to do. Most of us are not that deep. Hence why we seek thrills/addictions to get rid of our feelings of boredom, fear, disillusion, despair, depression etc.
 
#16 ·
That is not what a mid-life crisis is though. A mid life crisis is realizing that you are getting older and you can't plan and dream like you did in your youth. Part of that is feeling like you can attract the opposite sex the same way anymore. It's really not about adventure it's about insecurity. Everyone goes through that. It's a test of character. OP has failed.
 
#14 ·
Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen

I had two girlfriends walk me to school when I was 11 and got a visit from our parish priest about the makeout parties I was organizing after school. I tried to be monogamous once but my ex fiancee cheated on me and that was it for monogamy. My wife knew all about me years before we met. Had even seen my pictures. Word of mouth was that I was good in bed but not good to enter into a relationship with. Plus I was kinky which attracted all the local kinky girls.

I think I had sex with 4 girls in my first year of marriage. My wife knew of the first and that is when we decided to be non monogamous. My wife knew that I could never just be with one woman sexually. Genetically men are designed to impregnate a few women every day of their life. We are genetically attracted to women who we feel have good genes and to mate with them. Some feel these genetic urges more of less than others. It is estimated that as many as 70% of men cheat. Every boss, man or woman, has cheated on their spouses. I knew this because I travelled with them on business and they did not hide it. All of the siblings of my wife and I cheated as did all of our old friends. It seems that when you vow to be sexuall faithful, it is done with a wink and a nod.

Anyway, our solution was to be in what some call an ethical non monogamous marriage. We did not go looking for sex partners but if one came our way, we could have sex with them. We also got into various forms of group sex. That gave me what I needed and also my wife who was a virgin when we married and curious about sex with others. For all she knew, sex could be much better with others than with me. Quite the opposite happened when she told me that I was more than enough man for her and she no longer wanted to have sex with other men. That still left me with my needs, so she started inviting her girlfriends to join us in bed. We did that about 3-4 times and ended up inviting her best friend to live with us and join our marriage. Our girlfriend was in our life for 30 years and would still be had not fate intervened.

I also dated a few women, maybe 7 in our 44 years of marriage that I had sex with without my wife. My wife was content with me and her girlfriend and she constantly refused to date men or have another man join us in bed since our girlfriend had no objections. Yet she said no and still says no even though she is free to date others if she wants to. It is only fair since she allowed me freedom and shared her lovers with me for most of our marriage.

Read my signature below. It is my belief. We tend to cling to what we learned and were told how to behave, even though it results in a 50% divorce rate. I sometime think monogamy is crazy due to all the cheating going one, little of which is known about. Last study I saw had men at 70% and women at 50-60% cheating and catching up each year. Most of that is due to social media and dating sites. In my time we had to meet girls in our everyday activities. For me that meant at work or traveling by public transportation to and from work. In fact, I met my wife on a train coming home from work.

What I think is most crazy is that to have sex with a woman, other than your wife, for just one night, the moral thing is to first destroy your marriage by divorce, split your assets, fight over property and custody of kids and financially ruin each other. Then and only then can you morally have sex with another women that means nothing more than sex. There is still an element of ownership of each other in marriage. Why does sex with someone else have to be the biggest sin in marriage? Sex can be just sex. Jealousy and monogamy had a very real purpose at one time. The man did not want to waste his limited time and resources raising a kid that did not carry his genes back in ancient times. The women needed the man to stick around to protect and provide for her and her children. So monogamy made sense in olden days. Now women do not need a man other than to donate sperm. She get protected by the police and military. She buys her food in a supermarket and can work to earn her own money. There is DNA testing to determine who the father is. In my day all they good do is blood typing which only limited the child to men with your blood type and not specifically to you.

Having sex with someone other than your spouse does not have to mean you love them less or not at all. My wife and I always kept each other and our marriage above all else. We did not experience jealousy because jealousy stems from insecurity and fear of loss. We did not fear losing each other to someone else and we were very secure in who we are and what we brought to the table. We were able to have sex with others and love other people with no harm to our 44 year marriage. We had periods of time when we were poly, engaged in group sex and were monogamous as we are now. We both experienced what is called compersion which is joy in your partner's pleasure. It is however a way to design your own marriage rather than stick with the one that will follows rules that do not work half the time. Read the article below for details about my kind of marriage.

Not suggesting it to others as there is a large mental component to it to divert from what we have been told and the emotions that will try to surface. Most feel ownership of their spouse's sexual pleasure and that will not work in my kind of marriage. In fact, if you read the article you will learn that jealous can exist with compersion. You just have to be mentally strong enough to not let it interfere. So I cannot judge you even if I wanted to. I have been judged most of my life by the marriage police but they are all divorced now and many had cheated. For some reason they feel that cheating is still within a monogamous framework since it is considered cheating and not a non monogamous marriage. Go figure. Read this.

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen
 
#19 · (Edited)
Mid life crisis is about not being satisfied with your job or life in general isn't it? I discussed this possibility with my therapist but he seems to think it's not that simple.
This is about doing something that is exciting. It gets the dopamine going in your brain. Makes you feel good. Since you are not having sex, you feel that you are not cheating so it allows you the thrill without the actual sin. But one day you will cross that line.

You say that the spark has gone out of your marriage some. So instead of doing the hard work to put that spark back in your marriage, you have found another way to get some passion in our life.

But, this is a form of cheating. You are leaving your wife. She's most likely going to find out and all hell is going to rain in your life.

I had a husband who did the same thing. Note the past tense.

Get the book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

It's written by Esther Perel . Look up her Ted Talks and lectures on YouTube. She talks about why people cheat. And the book is about how to get the excitement back into your marriage.

You are on a fast train to self destruct. The fast ride might be fun, but the crash is going to hurt like hell. And your life will be destroyed.
 
#28 ·
Get the book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

It's written by Esther Perel . Look up her Ted Talks and lectures on YouTube. She talks about why people cheat. And the book is about how to get the excitement back into your marriage.

You are on a fast train to self destruct. The fast ride might be fun, but the crash is going to hurt like hell. And your life will be destroyed.
I watched the TED talk and ordered her book. I see myself in all of it 100%. Hopefully there is a way to stop the train or at least jump out of it, and yes I will get hurt but not as much as when the train crashes. Thank you!
 
#20 ·
You don't just want attention, you want validation.

Knowing that you COULD bed all of these younger women, with probably just a little more of the right effort, is likely a giant endorphin and testosterone rush for you.

Is it bad? Fundamentally, no. Nature designed you this way. However, in our society, engaging in a closed marriage is a commitment and choice to live a monogamous life with one person. This person being your 35 yo wife.

You are, IMO, cheating emotionally (and to a degree, physically - because you MEET some of these women) on your wife. All the time, effort, emails, texts, talk, PayPal (??), basically resources, financial and emotional that you pump into these women are not going to your wife as they should... As YOU PROMISED her they would go to her, by marrying her.

She has no idea what she's being deprived of. She has no idea the lengths you go to, to compliment, schmooze, and make merry with these women. She has no idea what you're doing behind her back, then you come home to her each night. How can you look her in the face? Your behavior shows amazing lack of care for what you do have, yet an unwillingness to let it go. That, in a nutshell, is selfishness and cake - eating.

So, my advice would be, stop seeing these women because right now you are still a MARRIED MAN. Confess to your poor wife so she can decide for HERSELF (rather than you decide FOR her) whether to stay with you or leave you, get into therapy to learn about why you're clearly not designed for marriage, accept who and what you are, do the upstanding thing and divorce your wife with dignity (if she's still with you by then), and go live the life of a perpetually single man, as was meant to be for you.
 
#21 ·
You don't just want attention, you want validation.

Knowing that you COULD bed all of these younger women, with probably just a little more of the right effort, is likely a giant endorphin and testosterone rush for you.

Is it bad? Fundamentally, no. Nature designed you this way. However, in our society, engaging in a closed marriage is a commitment and choice to live a monogamous life with one person. This person being your 35 yo wife.

You are, IMO, cheating emotionally (and to a degree, physically - because you MEET some of these women) on your wife. All the time, effort, emails, texts, talk, PayPal (??), basically resources, financial and emotional that you pump into these women are not going to your wife as they should... As YOU PROMISED her they would go to her, by marrying her.

She has no idea what she's being deprived of. She has no idea the lengths you go to, to compliment, schmooze, and make merry with these women. She has no idea what you're doing behind her back, then you come home to her each night. How can you look her in the face? Your behavior shows amazing lack of care for what you do have, yet an unwillingness to let it go. That, in a nutshell, is selfishness and cake - eating.

So, my advice would be, stop seeing these women because right now you are still a MARRIED MAN. Confess to your poor wife so she can decide for HERSELF (rather than you decide FOR her) whether to stay with you or leave you, get into therapy to learn about why you're clearly not designed for marriage, accept who and what you are, do the upstanding thing and divorce your wife with dignity (if she's still with you by then), and go live the life of a perpetually single man, as was meant to be for you.
Nope, 'cause he's entitled. And special.
 
#29 ·
Thats exactly what happened. I have been a "nice" and "good" guy my whole life a prototype of the ones described by Dr. Glover in his books "No More Nice Guy". I always gave everything to everybody. My wife is still on the pedestal and I dont want to leave her, and yet I'm struggling with this new "me". Maybe I have to integrate my new identity with what I already have (wife I love, marriage I love and life I love). This is going to be hard as hell.
 
#31 ·
You have a young wife that loves you, is adventurous, fun........
You still want more.

Make no mistake about this---- you have been. Heating bigtime on your wife. And you have acted in your desires--- you actually MET some of these girls. But the most important thing is that you've let your mind dwell in these other women. That's as good as cheating,right there.

STOP, while you still can. Devote all this mental energy into your relationship with your wife.
 
#32 ·
You have a young wife that loves you, is adventurous, fun........
You still want more.

Make no mistake about this---- you have been. Heating bigtime on your wife. And you have acted in your desires--- you actually MET some of these girls. But the most important thing is that you've let your mind dwell in these other women. That's as good as cheating,right there.

STOP, while you still can. Devote all this mental energy into your relationship with your wife.
Trying, really trying. And I can definitely do that as I have done in the past (2years ago and 4 years ago). I will stop talking to girls, delete my online profile, cut lose all the ones I text to and just devote to my wife.

Problem will still be there, waiting for me a year later. Stronger than ever. So I got to look this think in the face and solve it once for all. Thats what I'm doing now.
 
#35 ·
One other thing I wanted to point out is that I'm not a duche that is taking any pleasure out of this.
I cry daily about this, whenever I'm alone, I feel like a lady with too many hormones. Typically wife goes to sleep at 9:30Pm after watching TV in bed with me, I go into my home office and do stuff on my computer (NOT PORN! lol), and watch/listen to motivational and uplifting youtube videos, while crying my eyes out. Last night I cried from 10PM to midnight, then went to bed at 1AM, slept 5 hours on average according to my fitbit, and start this all over again. 3 weeks now into my daily night-cry routine.

This thing jerks me around like I was possessed by some evil spirit and for now there is no way to stop it.

Oh and I didnt mention daily nightmares at night.
 
#41 ·
You cry every night for hours about this? When do you get the time to chat up these women and then date them?

If you are really crying like this, you need to see a medical doctor and a psychiatrist. You need anti-depressants. And you might also have developed OCD and that might be what is driving you to spend time online looking for women and dating them. Go get meds.

Then you are going to have to get the physiatrist to mediate a meeting with your wife and tell her what is going on. Why? Because if you are going to stop doing this, you need for her to know that you have a mental health issue. In order to protect yourself and your marriage from this destructive behavior, you need for your wife to know so she can help you structure your marriage so that it's hard for you to return to this behavior.
 
#36 ·
The ego can be an insatiable beast. You have been feeding your ego in an unhealthy way.

I have a friend whose H did just what you are doing. Her daughter actually discovered his exploits when she came across his fake FB page. My friend and her H are great people, upstanding citizens, warm and giving. And yet, her H sank into this sordid abyss. He didn't see it as sordid when he was doing it - he was giving young women money and flirting with them & getting occasional sex. He was on an ego high, thinking that he was the **** and his BW was the background noise.

Once the daughter knew, reality hit in a big way. Suddenly, his hot, attractive self looked more like a creepy, delusional old man. He was hit with a tidal wave of shame. True shame, capital S. It was like his delusional world just imploded in an instant. He begged my friend for another chance to prove that he would no longer devalue her.

I don't yet know what she will ultimately decide, but I can tell you how she describes the evolution of her feelings about her WH:

- She has gone from feeling like the neglected, taken-for-granted wife to seeing her husband as a sad, pathetic, broken man.

- She has lost tremendous respect for him & regained some self-respect.

- She doesn't know how to describe any feelings of love she has for him. It's not romantic love anymore, she says.

Feeding your ego in this broken way could bring you to the same outcome that my friends are experiencing.

You are not at all unusual in your desire to be desired. It's really part of the human condition. How you are satisfying the needs of your ego, however, is destructive. You say you know this and are trying to ferret out the 'whys,' as if they are very deep and mysterious.

I don't think they're mysterious. I think acting out the way you do makes you feel like the man. You want this feeling.

Why not, though, try to get this feeling the way an honorable, mature man would? Find something to do that won't make you hang your head in shame when your loved ones find out about it. Volunteer to help others. Find a hobby that you can excel at.

Many things can feed your ego in a better way. Trolling for women behind your BW's back may give you a fleeting thrill of 'wow, I'm so hot,' but it's a cheap thrill that you will regret.
 
#37 ·
The ego can be an insatiable beast. You have been feeding your ego in an unhealthy way.

I have a friend whose H did just what you are doing. Her daughter actually discovered his exploits when she came across his fake FB page. My friend and her H are great people, upstanding citizens, warm and giving. And yet, her H sank into this sordid abyss. He didn't see it as sordid when he was doing it - he was giving young women money and flirting with them & getting occasional sex. He was on an ego high, thinking that he was the **** and his BW was the background noise.

Once the daughter knew, reality hit in a big way. Suddenly, his hot, attractive self looked more like a creepy, delusional old man. He was hit with a tidal wave of shame. True shame, capital S. It was like his delusional world just imploded in an instant. He begged my friend for another chance to prove that he would no longer devalue her.

I don't yet know what she will ultimately decide, but I can tell you how she describes the evolution of her feelings about her WH:

- She has gone from feeling like the neglected, taken-for-granted wife to seeing her husband as a sad, pathetic, broken man.

- She has lost tremendous respect for him & regained some self-respect.

- She doesn't know how to describe any feelings of love she has for him. It's not romantic love anymore, she says.

Feeding your ego in this broken way could bring you to the same outcome that my friends are experiencing.

You are not at all unusual in your desire to be desired. It's really part of the human condition. How you are satisfying the needs of your ego, however, is destructive. You say you know this and are trying to ferret out the 'whys,' as if they are very deep and mysterious.

I don't think they're mysterious. I think acting out the way you do makes you feel like the man. You want this feeling.

Why not, though, try to get this feeling the way an honorable, mature man would? Find something to do that won't make you hang your head in shame when your loved ones find out about it. Volunteer to help others. Find a hobby that you can excel at.

Many things can feed your ego in a better way. Trolling for women behind your BW's back may give you a fleeting thrill of 'wow, I'm so hot,' but it's a cheap thrill that you will regret.
Love every word of it, this was really inspiring.
I have been working on several of my interests that can fill my ego in a different way than going after girls, and partially they are working already. Spot on about my need to feel attractive and like a man since I missed that while I was a teenager and young adult (didnt date almost at all until I was 26-30, and then gave up). And now this is coming back to haunt me.
 
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#46 ·
Yeah exactly. I'm not going to take drugs just because I have a nice cry about my situation in the evening. People cry to vent...is that so horrible and automatically puts you in a looney bin?

I'm really sorry everybody, I didn't realize that this sections of the forum called "Coping with Infedelity" was only for people who have been cheat on, not the cheaters or people trying to make sense out of their infedelity. That's alright. I got some really cool insights.
Thank you everybody.
 
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#49 ·
You sound depressed to me and that is your internal pollution/turmoil. You are fighting those crappy feelings with the high of the girls you go out with. Don't feel bad for giving them money. They were an expensive band aid, but luckily they didn't cause any permanent damage. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't fall for one of these very sly gals. My X did as his first affair partner turned out to be a 27 year old prostitute. So all of the money she took from him and of course me, went to her pimp.:mad:

Are you having issues with ED as well? This whole mess of feeling crappy like engaging in risky behaviors and seeking validity from younger women may mean that you have a chemical imbalance that is better termed as Andropause. Your doctor will know what type of blood tests need to be done to rule out any chemical imbalances causing your inner turmoil.

Please seek medical attention and don't let go of therapy. You just need to find the right match. It may take a couple of tries before you get a great therapist that knows about men's issues during midlife.

I asked about the sowing your oats because I honestly think this is what happened to my X among other things of course. We were each other's first. He did what his God fearing parents taught him to do and he was a great kid and adult. Didn't cause any trouble other than the occasional going out drinking with his buddies after midterms and the like. he was also feeling depressed because our kids were growing up and didn't need him anymore. He said I had never needed him because I was always very independent. Neither of that was true, but he truly believed nobody at home needed or wanted him anymore. Sadly he rewrote our history and marriage and we didn't stand a chance of making it. It was over when he bought that prostitute the first drink. :(

He was also showing signs of getting older at 40. He had a receding hairline and his belly was starting to show. Exercise was not cutting it anymore like it used too. He was also having ED issues which are very common at midlife as well. Please seek help to rule out anything that can be fixed by professional help.
 
#55 ·
Don't feel bad for giving them money. They were an expensive band aid, but luckily they didn't cause any permanent damage. Thank your lucky stars that you didn't fall for one of these very sly gals. My X did as his first affair partner turned out to be a 27 year old prostitute. So all of the money she took from him and of course me, went to her pimp.:mad:
This is off the table for me now. I realized it was super stupid and will never do it again.

Are you having issues with ED as well?
No, but since I have never had anything sexual with these women I can't tell for sure. I thought about the possibility of not going to be able to perform if it came down to it, but it might never happen.

Please seek medical attention and don't let go of therapy. You just need to find the right match. It may take a couple of tries before you get a great therapist that knows about men's issues during midlife.
The guy I'm seeing right now is a Psychiatrist, we are going through all this and sorting it out, finding solutions and meaning. Best thing is that he helps me stay on track and lets me know if I'm about to do something stupid (like talking to more women online). Since I started seeing him I abandoned my online dating profile all together and I now rarely interact with women other than normal life interactions. I still do get excited about the interaction, but it doesnt go as far as to exchanging phone numbers.

I asked about the sowing your oats because I honestly think this is what happened to my X among other things of course. We were each other's first. He did what his God fearing parents taught him to do and he was a great kid and adult. Didn't cause any trouble other than the occasional going out drinking with his buddies after midterms and the like. he was also feeling depressed because our kids were growing up and didn't need him anymore. He said I had never needed him because I was always very independent. Neither of that was true, but he truly believed nobody at home needed or wanted him anymore. Sadly he rewrote our history and marriage and we didn't stand a chance of making it. It was over when he bought that prostitute the first drink. :(
I do have the "Nice Guy Syndrome" too and was abiding by the rules like your ex. Seems to be a trap eventually. So men like us have 2 choices: act up on it and destroy marriages, or seek help and try to manage it. If you just sweep it under the carpet, it will be ok for a while then it will come back up again, unless you die. EleGirl thinks there is a fourth (and only) way: stuff myself in a garbage bin, pour gasoline on me and burn myself to ashes. I take 100% responsibility of all of this, that's why I'm still talking to you guys here. Some, like you, have offered really great insights into my situation.

I caught myself acting on it (call it emotional affair or affair), and I knew it was time to get help. Thats where I'm right now.
 
#56 ·
If you dont want to lose your wife then stop this nonsense. Tell her all of it and throw yourself on her mercy.
You speak as if you have no choice in what you are doing. :surprise: You do, you are choosing to do this every day.
Calling it a mid life crisis is a cop out, I have heard so much bad behaviour blamed on that from people in their 30's to their 50's. :|

You are playing with fire.
 
#68 · (Edited)
OP, it sounds to me like you might have a bit of an addictive personality, combined with poor impulse control. That would lead you to continually chase "new". If that's the case, though, you will probably have had a history of chasing novelty in all areas of your life. Are you one to take up a new hobby, then tire of it after a few months and move on? Do you need new "toys" or new clothes or new gear of your choice often? Prone to impulse buys? Tire quickly of things that initially interested you greatly? Need to keep upping the stakes in competitive endeavors, or in gambling? If you answer yes to those questions, then it's likely that the women are yet another symptom of your continual need for novelty and your poor ability to control your impulses. You might converse with your therapist about that possibility. There are methods to learn better coping skills that don't involve hurting the people you purport to love.

By the way, the above in no way excuses your cheating on your wife as you have been. Part of being a functional adult is learning to control yourself so that you don't hurt people. If you're not able to control your need for novelty regarding women, then you have no business being married. Know yourself, accept who you are, and be honest enough not to involve innocent people in your issues. Or change yourself so that you're not in danger of hurting those same innocent people. Cheating is a choice you are making. You absolutely have the capacity to choose differently. Either stop it and get control of yourself, or be single and live however you'd like.
 
#69 ·
OP, you're 45 and hitting on a 21 yr old girl. What is wrong with your sense of judgment? What happens when her Dad, who is probably the same age as you, seeks you out to discuss your behavior? What BS story are you gonna tell him as to why you seek out young girls?
 
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