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"Work it out" as an excuse to divorce

12K views 75 replies 26 participants last post by  ConanHub 
#1 ·
I suspect that there are a significant amount of betrayed spouses who choose to "work it out" but their hearts and minds are really not into the hard work of marital rebuilding. They subconciously sabotage their efforts so they can say to themselves "Hey I gave it a shot, but it was not meant to be. Now I'm ready for divorce. It seems like they do it to quiet their inner voices asking them "If you divorce now you may regret it later"

Care to comment?
 
#2 ·
I wonder this about my ex too. He made no large effort to hide his secret email account and his password for it was the one he used for his regular email. I don't even think he met anyone off the sites he used. I sometimes think he sabotaged our reconciliation on purpose. When confronted he just said I deserved better. I wonder often why he wanted to R if he thought that all along and I think it was to ease his guilt too.
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#3 ·
Exactly where I'm at, after finding out my wife left out that her E/A partner is seperated from his wife (I'm still waiting to hear from OMW) and my wife telling me they are seperated because she has BF and not because of her,and she didnt want to tell me because I would take it the wrong way (uhh yeah do ya think)....right then and there, my hope of R really took a nose dive, just kinda going thru the motions right now, trying to keep thinking with my head instead of my heart, its up to her to do any heavy lifting now, which I dont see any real effort...If I pull the plug now, would I have regrets??? if I stay will I have regrets? I guess thats the million dollar question...until I can really figure that out for myself, and I think once I find out for sure why O/M and OMW are seperated I'll know for sure what direction to go, until then I will keep on keepin on...enjoy the good times...

I look at myself now and think, whos the liar now, whos deceving who? my heart isnt into R 100% any longer.

I do know if I leave I will have a good life, I dont need anyone to make me happy, I'm comfortable with myself. I think this scares the hell out of my wife, she can see it and knows it.

A lot of folks talk about finding someone else down the road, If I
never found someone else I could be happy alone, I have a few good core friends, close with my kids and family, good job...what else do I really need?
 
#4 ·
When I used the word "sabotage" I wasn't thinking about the emotionally detached spouse who is using his/her head to control his/her heart until the cheating spouse proves he/she can begin to be trusted. I was thinking more of the emotional time bomb who may trigger, explodes and unleashes a barrage of insults to hurt his/her spouse. In this situation it seems that there is a false R going on by the betrayed souse not the cheater spouse.
 
#5 ·
I was thinking more of the emotional time bomb who may trigger, explodes and unleashes a barrage of insults to hurt his/her spouse. In this situation it seems that there is a false R going on by the betrayed souse not the cheater spouse.
That is why I have always stated that forgiveness is the first step in the reconciliation. Without it the betrayal will only fester under the surface and the time bomb will be ever present. Understanding, self reflection and forgiveness were my first steps in recovering my marriage. With those issues behind us I could focus on what needed to take place, not what already had. Even during the tough parts of recovery I felt no need nor desire to play the "you cheating *****" card.
 
#7 ·
Mori--I think you are right. Some people (betrayed) do the entire "Well let me say I gave it my best shot" but really they know deep down they won't be happy again. They stay for the kids, they stay so they don't have the title of being "divorced," they stay for financial reasons, they stay out of old habits. But plenty of times, it's just them going through the motions. They know deep downit will never be the same as it was before, and it won't be better either. They will spend the rest of their days in their relationship feeling like a consolation prize and knowing they have lost the love they had for the disloyal, always feeling resentful and knowing they could have moved on and possibly found something way better.

Note I say "some," not ALL.

Because some folks do go on to reconcile and it's "better" but in a different way.

But dammit, once that exclusivity is gone (only being eachothers' only partner in ar omantic sense) let's face it: it's never the same again. :(

My 2 cents.



 
#8 ·
Note I say "some," not ALL.
We are part of the "not all". Yes the marriage is changed forever and the vast majority of changes are positive. As I said, forgiveness for me came quickly but trust was a long process. And in all truthfulness it will never be the same as before. I've come to the conclusion that trust will be marked with a mental asterisk forever. It does not consume me, I do not "worry" that it will happen again but every once in a while some trigger will spark something in my mind and I'll realize that the trust still has some minute scars on it.

But on the other side there is something special in the marriage that wasn't there before. We do not often discuss what happened but when we do it is with both a sense of wonder and pride that we managed to find a way back. It has brought us closer as a couple and serves to better protect us in the future because we know what can happen if we don't attend to each others' needs. Because we never shared what was going on with family or close friends, it is unique to us. It serves as our glue for we both respect each other even more, knowing we came back from what so many couples don't. It made us stronger. There is an old saying that calm waters never made a good sailor. I would say that goes for spouses too.
 
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#9 ·
I don't think I am sabotaging our attempt at R, but I do think that as time has gone on (5 months post D-day), I am more open to leaving her than I've ever been.

I've been in IC for a bit and we're due to start MC in January. She asked for the MC and I am all for it but, like nearly every other aspect of our relationship, I am the one who has to make the MC happen.

Her nearly 6-year EA, combined with a PA right before our marriage, 27+ years ago, (which in my blind love and immaturity I allowed to be swept under the rug) and what I came to discover was an almost PA nearly 20 years ago (with the most recent EA OM), has given me a lot of reason to pause. Were it not for our youngest child, still in jr. high, I might well have left her in the fall.

I used to think how lucky I was to have her in my life. Then I was frustrated because no matter what I did or we did, she couldn't seem to find happiness. Now I am faced with the cold reality that after all this time together maybe we can't be happy together.

I look at our future and fear we will slip back into old habits and resentments. I fear I will never forgive her and that my resentment will fester. I fear that though she tells me otherwise, she doesn't really love me--she is staying out of loyalty, fear of being alone, for financial reasons, or to spare our youngest the pain of a divorce. I do believe that she is as happy with me as she can be with anyone--that it is her nature to always fall victim to the glass is half-empty viewpoint.

Now I fear that time is slipping away from me and that if I don't leave now I will never leave. Are such thoughts normal and reasonable at this stage? Should I wait and see how MC goes before making any decisions? In the meantime, should I try to banish such thoughts of "plan B" from my mind for the time being?
 
#13 ·
Jellybeans said:
But dammit, once that exclusivity is gone (only being each others' only partner in a romantic sense) let's face it: it's never the same again. :(
Very true. The specialness of exclusivity is blown to pieces by the affair and depending on the spouses, it may never again be recreated.

As Amplexor said, forgiveness must be a pre-requisite to reconciliation. Without it, the marriage is nothing more than a walking carcass, a zombie. The problem is how do people define forgiveness? Unlike the popular concept of forgiveness, my concept of forgiveness is independent of the actions, or lack of, from the cheating spouse.

aaroncj said:
Now I fear that time is slipping away from me and that if I don't leave now I will never leave.
Time slipping away is a fact of life, it is irrelevant whether your single, married or divorced.

Do you actually mean "Time is slipping away from me to find another woman I can fully trust and to share my life with?"
 
#22 ·
The problem is how do people define forgiveness? Unlike the popular concept of forgiveness, my concept of forgiveness is independent of the actions, or lack of, from the cheating spouse.
If I'm reading you right M that is spot on to how forgiveness came about. For me, forgiveness came from understanding and self reflection, not my wife's actions after D-Day. They couldn't because she followed the fog script. Blame shifting, denial (both to me and herself), rationalization and using the emotional disconnect with me to protect herself.

After the initial dust settled and I had time to really reflect on the situation it became clear to me that I was at fault for much of what had happened to the marriage. She had tried to tell me things weren't good and she wasn't happy for years. I just hadn't listened to her nor communicated to her the things that made me unhappy. I developed an understanding of where she was emotionally and my hand in putting her there. The marriage had become vulnerable to her EA because I had let it. I give her no pass for it, she knew or should have known she was walking down a dangerous path but I also accepted my own part in putting the marriage at risk in the first place. Forgiveness came from that.
 
#14 ·
Amplexor was really the first person on this board to say exactly what helped me early on in the very dark days right after DDay, and he hits it home again here.

If I met Amp in person some day I would shake his hand and buy him dinner. Mad respect.

And Hope1964 sounds right about where I am right now. Moving toward where Amp is, but not all the way there. Forgiveness came almost immediately, trust is much, much harder. I am not as worried about her as I used to be, but it's still there.

The other interesting emotion I have developed is clarity that if I just can't reach that next step of healing I could just tell her so, and end the marriage. I would just tell her I was permanently damaged, that we gave it our best to heal from it, but we should go our separate ways. I hope I never reach that conclusion, but I am at peace with the fact that it's possible. Because if I hit that point, the decision to divorce would bring me a lot of peace.

I think I hit that stage because I healed A LOT in the first 2-3 months after DDay. People on here were astonished at how I bounced back so fast. But I haven't really progressed at all since then. I've plateaued in my recovery. Still very hopeful, though.
 
#15 ·
The other thing I find myself doing more of, is steeling myself against failure. I have never been more motivated to work out and look more fit. Part of this is because I want to impress upon my wife that she would seriously be missing out on some improved "meat" if she got stupid and contacted the OM (and got caught). But the other, equal part, is if I don't progress further, and we end up divorcing, I want to be more "marketable" from a physical standpoint. The desire to do this has never been this strong, which is interesting, if anything.
 
#16 ·
I think for some people they are trying to inflict as much pain as humanly possible on the WS. The LS will go out and have their little revenge A and then say let's work on us. In all actuality, they sit and bide their time, letting the WS get to a point of happiness. The LS will then read some graphic remark on a forum that will trigger them and then BAM! Pull the rug right out from under the WS, knowing full well that was a real fear of the WS all along.
 
#17 ·
In that scenario, it would seem the prudent thing to do would be for both spouses to sit down and acknowledge that if things continue in such fashion, that the days of the marriage ending are numbered. The LS must face the fact the he/she needs help in the form of therapy to constructively deal with triggers that cause him/her to explode into an angry barrage of insults towards his/her DS. If he/she doesn't, then there is not much point in continuing to delude oneself that it is only a temporary setback and not one more heavy blow to the foundation of reconciliation.
 
#18 ·
Yeah, I had to decide real early on that throwing what he did in his face all the time was going to cause a lot more damage. I did spend the first week or so freaking out at him - firstly to his face then, after I kicked him out, via email - but after that, while trying to figure out what I was going to do, I stopped it, even though I didn't want to. Then, when we started working on things, the need to do so wasn't there any more.

As for having a revenge affair, the thought never even crossed my mind actually.
 
#19 ·
My wife was deathly afraid I would have a revenge A. I haven't. Nor have I come close. I would not look for a revenge A, but if one came up and slapped me across the face, I would probably be more tempted now to engage it than I was before my wife had hers. That's the God honest truth. That said, I doubt I actually would.
 
#28 ·
What is forgiveness?

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.
Very well put M and yes we are on the same page about forgiveness. This applies to our situation very closely. :iagree:
 
#29 ·
Kobe's wife waited the 10 years before she finally filed D.

She sure was working it out for those xx number of years after his affairs came out. At the 10 year mark, boom she gets 1/2 of everything, he got played and in the end, she WON.

Now that is the best revenge IMO.
 
#31 ·
I am still so close to d-day that it is still raw. My WS is doing all the correct things at this point and I am going to give R a chance. I received a promotion in October (after the Affair stated) and live in another city during the week and come home on weekends. What I thought was another EA turned out to be a PA. We started to look for a second home in August (the EA started in July and turned into a PA on 9 Sept.) when we knew I would be getting a promotion. We built our current home 15 years ago and our youngest son was 10 and helped build it and wants us to keep it and will be renting it from us. Now I am on track again to buy a second home and applied for a mortgage so we have a preapproval letter when we decide to give an offer on another house.
Yesterday my WS and I were online looking at houses and the more I was looking the more pissed I was getting. I was thinking is this going to be worth it in the end. She has to sit at her computer with my one son and I am about 3 hours away. I just sucked it up. I went through an online application with our lending institution and when I got through it I told my WS that I need to talk. I had another list of questions, concerns, etc that I had written down earlier in the week and I went through it. She answered every question and concern without being defensive or argumentative. After that I felt much better and today I had a great day. She answers all my questions without hesitation and she has her perkiness back, where I can hear that she is interested in what I have to say.

Having said all that, I have started the paperwork for D and presently it is on hold. She knows that. I have been very upfront with my WS on what I have done, will do and have told her that I have peace about having a future where she is not with me. I told her as long as I am engaged with her then she can know that I am committed to working on our marriage. i have told her if I feel that I can no longer work on it I will tell her.

In the earliest stages I was ready to file for D. But my IC, my WS's brothers (who are all pastors) and my friends told me not to do anything for at least a few months. All of them tell me if I D down the road they will support my decision but wait a few months.

So at present I am in the camp of "if I D now I may regret it later". And only time will tell. I have reached a point of peace where I have imagined a life without my WS but I also have peace about staying. At present I plan to stay and try to make something positive out of this freaken mess.
 
#33 ·
D can wait. My IC and friends have asked me to wait a few months. No one has told me not to D (just wait) and all will support me if I do, even her three brothers who are all pastors.

She will sign the post-nup and it is in process as we speak. She will also sign over the house and the cars. She said she is willing to do anything else.

All she asked is that if I decide to D that I give her enough time to get on her feet (financially). I said why do need to get on your feet is it because you have been on your back too long with your legs spread opened?
 
#36 ·
uote:
Originally Posted by Thorburn View Post
All she asked is that if I decide to D that I give her enough time to get on her feet (financially). I said why do need to get on your feet is it because you have been on your back too long with your legs spread opened?
If this is a constant response then this is what I meant by sabotage. R becomes an exercise in futility.

I am not sure what you mean by sabotage.
 
#37 ·
I am not sure what you mean by sabotage.
Angry outbursts are normal soon after D-day, it is only when they become a constant, unrelenting, barrage weeks and months later that they sabotage any attempts to reconcile. The LS is not being honest with him/herself about wanting to reconcile. That is why I believe the number one priority of a LS is to heal him/herself first and that means to stop feeding the anger and bitterness he/she is experiencing.

The greatest enemies I had to conquer after my D-day were anger and bitterness. It didn't matter whether I reconciled or divorce, for if I had consciously allowed those two toxic twins to poison my heart and soul, I would not have been able to heal and move on with my life.
 
#40 · (Edited)
I suspect that there are a significant amount of betrayed spouses who choose to "work it out" but their hearts and minds are really not into the hard work of marital rebuilding. They subconciously sabotage their efforts so they can say to themselves "Hey I gave it a shot, but it was not meant to be. Now I'm ready for divorce. It seems like they do it to quiet their inner voices asking them "If you divorce now you may regret it later"

Care to comment?
I don't think anyone chooses to R with intention to divorce "just" so they can say they gave it a shot.

I think there are those that are so devastated by their WS's actions that they desperately WANT to R, but after a while, its just too much for them.

So no, I don't think its so they can say they gave it a shot. I don't think most BSs give a crap if people see them as giving it a shot or not.

Its about how they feel inside, not how others feel about their R efforts. And I know the bolded part says "so they can say to themselves". But I don't think its about that.
 
#54 ·
Exactly, WHY after being totally screwed over would you go back for more pain and suffering. It's just not a natural reaction.

If a BS is trying to R, they are working bloody hard to do so, an in a genuine way.

A WS is far more likely to do false R so they don't feel additional guilt. It's just natural.
 
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