BS with long time update - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #151 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillthinking View Post
What kind of programming does your WW do?

Is it something that you could hire someone else to do?
Extremely specialized and why it's so valuable.

I tried a couple years back. No luck.

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post #152 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:46 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Extremely specialized and why it's so valuable.

I tried a couple years back. No luck.
So she does the work and you are her contracting agent? Sounds like she is more valuable to the business then you are. She is the one with the specialized skill. If I were you I would hire some more programmers and branch out. Get some right out of school and hungry. In the process have them train on some of your wife's skills. You not at all as secure as you think you are. You need to diversify your business and your life.
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post #153 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 01:10 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

You would be wise to assess all the different ways you are dependent upon her in the business, household, whatever, and then discretely work on weaning yourself off her. Independence from her is a nice insurance policy in your case. Also, by making her theoretically dispensable you shift the balance of power between you two which might also serve to improve your relationship if you stay together. Either way you will benefit.
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post #154 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 06:57 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by Quality View Post
The evidence suggests that the OP appears to be riverrat.
Totally out of line. No need to disparage two posters just because you don't agree with their choices or opinions.

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Most marriages reconcile and, more often than not, the next person to actually have an affair is the betrayed spouse.
This is nonsense, isn't it?

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Originally Posted by Quality View Post
I'll concede that getting into that top 20% of successful marriages is made even more difficult and unlikely due to infidelity but I've experienced it and seen it happen elsewhere ~ often.
Errm... no. The "top 20% of successful marriages" do not include - Wife enjoyed getting banged by her OM for a period. I'll concede that by your own modest assessment, that you may have a top 20% successfully reconciled from infidelity marriages.
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post #155 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

StillSearching

What is your WWs attitude now towards the OM, does she feel used by them or does she still have a good opinion of them.

My W's continued good opinion of OM-1 has been one factor which keeps me from recovering. I think she believes he is a good guy for dumping her.

When you said you don't have the full story did she at least give you the sexual details or did she leave your mind to wander. My W has indicated she will never tell me those.

You should force the polygraph or divorce. Having your WW maintaining secrets and intimacies you are not privy to with other people is no way to live.

Tamat
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post #156 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Totally out of line. No need to disparage two posters just because you don't agree with their choices or opinions.
Talk about nonsense. How exactly is it disparaging two posters. It's either riverrat or it's not. Read riverrat and compare it to the facts of this story ~~~ as we were reading them ~~~ they were pretty dead on to riverrat's story. Many new differentiating facts were only introduced after JohnA noticed the similarities {not saying that proves anything}. Further, this poster SAID he posted here before and JohnA and I were just trying to help him out remembering his name. It was apparent he didn't post on TAM previously since TAM didn't exist in 2002. Appears that was a mistake and he must have posted somewhere else. But it's not a reach to think he may have meant around 2012 when Riverrat registered versus 2002. Also, riverrat posted at least once that he was being purposefully obtuse on this forum about some of the facts of his supposed situation to protect his own identity. All that said, I'm no mod so what do I know.


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This is nonsense, isn't it?
The internet isn't real life. My observations in real life {there aren't any accurate numbers anywhere in the field of infidelity so all we/anyone can rely on is best guesses} ~~~ revenge affairs alone happen in so many situations, that they alone probably make up somewhere between 25%-40% of the 51% I need to validate my estimation that a majority of the time in recovering marriages the betrayed spouse is the next one to cheat. Further, I tend to work exclusively with Christians so once the wayward is given the gift of repentance and they're forgiven and sanctified by their spouse, I find them to be A LOT less likely to step into that infidelity pit of despair ever again (not that they never do ~ they're certainly capable of it} whereas their betrayed spouses are much more vulnerable to an attack by satan and they'll likely soon be tempted and tested with someone whispering in their ears telling them "they deserve better" and/or that they will feel a lot better after they've evened the playing field. They'll need to be doubly on guard of their mind playing tricks on them when temptation arises. Heck, lots of waywards even encourage their spouse to commit adultery to relieve their own guilt. Really it's a consequence of adultery. I don't make this estimation with sympathy towards the wayward spouses, but rather, typically, I make it to the wayward spouse that they need to get their butts on board with a real recovery and discovering the gift of repentance sooner than later BEFORE their betrayed spouse ends up cheating on them. It's not inevitable {we all have choices}, but when you spend too much time in the mud with an unrepentant wayward, often you'll end up acting like a pig.

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Originally Posted by azteca1986 View Post
Errm... no. The "top 20% of successful marriages" do not include - Wife enjoyed getting banged by her OM for a period. I'll concede that by your own modest assessment, that you may have a top 20% successfully reconciled from infidelity marriages.
Disparage much?

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #157 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 04:19 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Talk about nonsense. How exactly is it disparaging two posters. It's either riverrat or it's not.
If it's not, then you're disparaging both posters. Their cadence and writing style are completely different. Two different parts of the US, I'd hazard.
Quote:
Read riverrat and compare it to the facts of this story ~~~ as we were reading them ~~~ they were pretty dead on to riverrat's story.
We must have different definitions of "dead on". riverrat's WW had one affair, many years ago.
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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Did she do it again? yes 3 different times. Different men. And I was a hawk watching.
OP's situation is different. Your Clouseau schtick needs some work.
Quote:
The internet isn't real life. My observations in real life {there aren't any accurate numbers anywhere in the field of infidelity so all we/anyone can rely on is best guesses} ~~~
Then perhaps you find the humility to include the caveat "In my experience..." instead of making disingenuous statements.

Quote:
Disparage much?
Happy to. Crowing about your supposed top 20% marriage doesn't to help the OP. You needed a reality check. You're happy with your choices; OP regrets his. That's his prerogative. This forum used to be better before new posters arrived to relentlessly push their agendas (whether to R or D).
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post #158 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 05:17 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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post #159 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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StillSearching

What is your WWs attitude now towards the OM, does she feel used by them or does she still have a good opinion of them. I'm sure she does feel used. We don't talk about it.

My W's continued good opinion of OM-1 has been one factor which keeps me from recovering. I think she believes he is a good guy for dumping her.

When you said you don't have the full story did she at least give you the sexual details or did she leave your mind to wander. My W has indicated she will never tell me those.
Very few sexual details. Trickled ( I won't say Trickle Truth because I'm not sure it is) details to me over 10 years or so.
You should force the polygraph or divorce. Having your WW maintaining secrets and intimacies you are not privy to with other people is no way to live.
I know..probably why i'm here.
Tamat
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post #160 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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MODERATOR NOTICE:-

Whenever you suspect a fellow member is not a legitimate poster, is a troll, a spammer or has multiple accounts, please do not call them out on the forum.

Please use the report icon which is the ! point within the triangle which is on the left of every post on TAM.
I'm real.

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post #161 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

I did post here somewhere around 2007-08 under a different account which I have since forgot. I was run off because my story was to crazy no one believed it.
But I do appreciate you peoples insight.
I am just looking to help and get advice, or maybe courage to leave.
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post #162 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:36 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

It still seems you are unhappy. So are you still ultimately questioning your decision to stay? The comment with wife still having positive thoughts toward OM really hits home for me- how can anyone have any positive thought towards someone or something that has all but destroyed the marriage they had and most likely permanently tainted the relationship forever if it does continue?

So if I am correct- you don't hate her, between the sex and your general ability to get along on a day to day basis as well as work together, you don't mind being with her in general. HOWEVER, the lost trust that hasn't been restored and lack of complete R basically is like a cancer to the relationship that you just deal with but don't like? It's a wall you can't get past and now in hindsight you wish you never tried because with that 20/20 hindsight vision you realize you would have been better off?
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post #163 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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It still seems you are unhappy. So are you still ultimately questioning your decision to stay? The comment with wife still having positive thoughts toward OM really hits home for me- how can anyone have any positive thought towards someone or something that has all but destroyed the marriage they had and most likely permanently tainted the relationship forever if it does continue? I'm not sure how she actually feels about OM. I don't talk about it.

So if I am correct- you don't hate her, between the sex and your general ability to get along on a day to day basis as well as work together, you don't mind being with her in general. HOWEVER, the lost trust that hasn't been restored and lack of complete R basically is like a cancer to the relationship that you just deal with but don't like? It's a wall you can't get past and now in hindsight you wish you never tried because with that 20/20 hindsight vision you realize you would have been better off?
You are dead on brother!
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post #164 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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I am just looking to help and get advice, or maybe courage to leave.
I don't get the sense that you want to leave. Your situation was worse in the past, but now you seemed to have plateaued to a point where your marriage is not intolerable.

Is there anything you would like to see from your wife at this stage?

Is it an acknowledgement of what she did to the marriage?
Would you like her to come clean about everything that has passed?
You say you don't talk about it. Is it that it's just all water under the bridge?
Is she defensive?
Or Dismissive?
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post #165 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-27-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

Your kids and other family members all know. For me that is still one of my biggest hang ups is nobody knows and it makes it even harder due to the shock value of doing something now. You have that out of the way and doubtful anyone would fault you for leaving now. Don't you think you are still too dependent on something from her? Your still unhappy, everybody knows, you still have opportunity to find someone to be happy with the rest of your life. What keeps you?

I realize the business is a factor, and in my case ours would also shut down with debt, but does that mean you put less value in your happiness than the success of the business? It seems like you still have enough attachment to your wife that it is the real problem. Almost like an addiction, you know "drinking" gets you in trouble and makes you hurt but you just can't quit. I understand your pain and face the same realities after 25yrs of marriage.
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