BS with long time update - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
I wanted to live with my children. Raise them. They are doing very well.
People will debate the wisdom of staying for the kids, but it's a very personal choice I respect even when I may disagree.

But they're in college now, so it may be time to set yourself free. Concern about shaking up the status quo is a much lousier reason to stay than for the kids by just about any measure.

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post #17 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.
This is a tough one! Have she cheated on you other times?
I had some regrets like you have about "if I had to do it all over again I wouldnt", but realized that maybe this is as good as it gets. And any other way I wuold have been less happy than I'm now.
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post #18 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

In your case she never came clean and kept the affair going. So of course it's not going to be fixable she has no remorse and isn't stopping.

Other times they are remorseful and they quit the affair and bend over backwards to make it right for the betrayed spouse that's a different situation entirely than yours is or was.
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post #19 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

I don't see any realistic way for you to believe that she's not still cheating.

I can't see staying in a marriage like this, but I'll play ball from the perspective that the potential financial fallout caused by divorce would be significant enough to keep me from filing:

I'd kick her out of the bedroom and tell her that she's free to sleep around with whoever she wants and whenever she wants, just so long as it doesn't happen under my roof.

And then I'd never touch her again.
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post #20 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by GTdad View Post
People will debate the wisdom of staying for the kids, but it's a very personal choice I respect even when I may disagree.

But they're in college now, so it may be time to set yourself free. Concern about shaking up the status quo is a much lousier reason to stay than for the kids by just about any measure.
Word.
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post #21 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Other times they are remorseful and they quit the affair and bend over backwards to make it right for the betrayed spouse that's a different situation entirely than yours is or was.
Not this lady...she did it other times. When she did it the other times, did you confront her? What did she say?
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post #22 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

what is keeping you there now? Especially now that empty nesting is right around the corner.
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post #23 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

OP,
Not to in any way belittle your pain and the he!! you've been through but in fairness to others trying to R, yours was not a true R. You stayed for the children, not for yourself. She was not nor has she ever become truly remorseful therefore yours is the quintessential rugsweept R. I applaud your dedication to your children but now that they are gone how will you live with her? If you are bound financially it is a true rock and hard place that you find yourself sandwiched between.
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post #24 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

Do you have a link to your original thread?

WOW! So .... when did you find out that she continued the affair? Was it during R or after you thought everything was okay?

I am 99.9 percent sure my husbands affair is over, BUT I am 95 percent sure he will do it again, even though most of the time, he is happy and upbeat about R.

more info!!!!
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post #25 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

StillSearching, I'll give you major props for being honest with yourself. It may not have been the choice others would make, and it doesn't appear it would be the choice you would make now in hindsight, but things change, we grow older, we acquire assets, family dynamics change and your reasons for staying now are likely completely different from the reasons you stayed originally, but you are being honest with yourself (and us) about your reasons then, which you may now regret, and your reasons now.

We see so many other BH's that choose R and then live a life of self-deception ... many of them are the most ardent supporters of R on these forums. It is pathetic watching them try to convince others to R, when they're really only trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing.

However, a BH CAN find happiness from within over any number of things, as long as they are honest with themselves, and NOT dependent on their WW's meeting their expectations of what you once thought you had. The hardest part for me was making peace with myself and accepting the consequences of my own poor choices. Now, I'm not excusing my W's behavior by accepting any blame for her choice, but I had ample evidence prior to M to see the red flags waving that I ignored due to being "in love" that could have allowed me to avoid the whole mess altogether ... THAT'S ON ME, and was part of me being honest enough with myself to acknowledge my mistakes and move forward from them.

I am painfully aware that I'm very capable of making major life screw ups ... now I focus on not making the same one's over again.

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post #26 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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what is keeping you there now? Especially now that empty nesting is right around the corner.
A shared business that is doing very well.
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post #27 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Do you have a link to your original thread?

WOW! So .... when did you find out that she continued the affair? Was it during R or after you thought everything was okay?

I am 99.9 percent sure my husbands affair is over, BUT I am 95 percent sure he will do it again, even though most of the time, he is happy and upbeat about R.

more info!!!!
I don't remember my username from that time.
I found out when it slipped out of her mouth one night as if she had told me already. See lies are always forgotten by the teller and never by the listener.
I didn't make a stink out of it. I wanted more details. I got them later. but not all of them.
So i found out who it was and how long it lasted in about 2010.
Remember I thought it was long over in Jan. 2002.
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post #28 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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StillSearching, I'll give you major props for being honest with yourself. It may not have been the choice others would make, and it doesn't appear it would be the choice you would make now in hindsight, but things change, we grow older, we acquire assets, family dynamics change and your reasons for staying now are likely completely different from the reasons you stayed originally, but you are being honest with yourself (and us) about your reasons then, which you may now regret, and your reasons now.

We see so many other BH's that choose R and then live a life of self-deception ... many of them are the most ardent supporters of R on these forums. It is pathetic watching them try to convince others to R, when they're really only trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing.

However, a BH CAN find happiness from within over any number of things, as long as they are honest with themselves, and NOT dependent on their WW's meeting their expectations of what you once thought you had. The hardest part for me was making peace with myself and accepting the consequences of my own poor choices. Now, I'm not excusing my W's behavior by accepting any blame for her choice, but I had ample evidence prior to M to see the red flags waving that I ignored due to being "in love" that could have allowed me to avoid the whole mess altogether ... THAT'S ON ME, and was part of me being honest enough with myself to acknowledge my mistakes and move forward from them.

I am painfully aware that I'm very capable of making major life screw ups ... now I focus on not making the same one's over again.
You nailed it better than I could have said it. Props.
Don't not reconcile.
Or you may be here in 15 years from now looking to help someone to release you from your own demons as well.
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post #29 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

I don't want to stir to much up but there are differences between a BH and BW. I not sure I'd give the same advice to a BW, as my experiences are much different than she would have, but
I'll do my best to answer what I can, be it through my BH filter.
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post #30 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

OP


Were you and your WW still having sex while she was cheating ?

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid."

- Benjamin Franklin
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