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post #31 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
I don't want to stir to much up but there are differences between a BH and BW. I not sure I'd give the same advice to a BW, as my experiences are much different than she would have, but
I'll do my best to answer what I can, be it through my BH filter.
There are many who will argue there are no differences between WW's and WH's ... therefore, BH's and BW's should be advised in the same manner ... to which I call BS from the mountaintop. I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether. With that said, as a BH, my experience shows that there are very few BH/WW scenarios when the best advise ins't to D immediately and move on. There are just very few WW's worth the time, pain and risk of attempting R with them.

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post #32 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

So sorry to hear. Do you even have a marriage now? How do you know she is not cheating with several today?

Do the kids know? Why not tell them and her family?

Would she sign over the business to you? Why does she stay and keep cheating? time to get a post nup.

Did she ever take a polygraph? Did she get tested for stds? why does she not respect you? How would she feel if you had four or five affairs?


I can't see staying with someone that keeps stabbing you in the back. How do you know she is not stealing from the business?

So sorry, hope you find a way to have her give you the business and then leave. Does she have any idea that she is killing your love for her?
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post #33 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Search i am curious,

Has she demonstrated actual remorsefulness?
did she do any heavy lifting ?
does she love you?
did she tell you why?
Did you expose her to everyone?

i will tell you if you have never told the children they should absolutely know what their mother did, and it would be better if it came from her mouth
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post #34 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
I wanted to live with my children. Raise them. They are doing very well.
Now keep in mind there are many reasons I told myself it is worth staying.
A lot of BSs might do so as well.
That's basically my reason for staying in a bad marriage. There's been no infidelity but at this point I'm not sure I'd feel different if there was.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #35 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by barbados View Post
OP


Were you and your WW still having sex while she was cheating ?
YES, very good and often sex.
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post #36 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
I'm here to answer all questions.
Not fully. She knows the damage she's done. She NEVER came fully clean. Never will, I guess.
I needed details I never got. She said it was over. Got a confession but the affair continued behind my back. We were seeing a MC and he said he wanted to meet with her alone for a few more months.
She never when back to him and used that time to meet OM while I stayed home with small children.
I was at home feeling great about progress.
Your W treated you poorly at best. It is understandable your feelings. I'm guessing your W really does not understand what she had done.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #37 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by Lostinthought61 View Post
Search i am curious,

Has she demonstrated actual remorsefulness?
did she do any heavy lifting ?
does she love you?
did she tell you why?
Did you expose her to everyone?

i will tell you if you have never told the children they should absolutely know what their mother did, and it would be better if it came from her mouth
Has she demonstrated actual remorsefulness? well thats a tough one. Good enough for me to believe she was not going to do it again. but didn't last. Does one really understand another's true intent?

did she do any heavy lifting ? not sure what that means? I think so.

does she love you? She says she does. To me love is a unblemished marriage.

did she tell you why? Yes she said I wasn't giving her the attention she needed. Said it could have been any guy. I don't believe that. Workplace convenience made it more likely.

Did you expose her to everyone? YES! This made me tolerate the pain. Her mother loved me a lot and told me she was sorry. Didn't mean anything to me tho.

i will tell you if you have never told the children they should absolutely know what their mother did, and it would be better if it came from her mouth..... They know what she did. She had to tell them why I was crying so much.
So i guess she had to have some remorse.
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post #38 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
Your W treated you poorly at best. It is understandable your feelings. I'm guessing your W really does not understand what she had done.
I don't believe any WW understands what they truly do. I mean that.

That's why BH and BW are also quite different.
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post #39 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
That's basically my reason for staying in a bad marriage. There's been no infidelity but at this point I'm not sure I'd feel different if there was.
Here's a little solace from a man that said things like. "I'd never stay with a woman that cheated" and "She would never ever cheat on me"
You WOULD feel different if she gave away what she brought in, even though shes just holding to herself right now.
Big difference.
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post #40 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
There are many who will argue there are no differences between WW's and WH's ... therefore, BH's and BW's should be advised in the same manner ... to which I call BS from the mountaintop. I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether. With that said, as a BH, my experience shows that there are very few BH/WW scenarios when the best advise ins't to D immediately and move on. There are just very few WW's worth the time, pain and risk of attempting R with them.
There's a huge difference. I feel the same as you.
"I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether." TRUE.
There are NO scenarios worth staying.
Men are not women, women are not men.
Anyone here who has dealt with a WW as long as I have will concur.

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post #41 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by harrybrown View Post
So sorry to hear. Do you even have a marriage now? Not really as you think of one
How do you know she is not cheating with several today? I dont. but she doesn't hold the value she had at 27.

Do the kids know? YES
Why not tell them and her family? She did that.

Would she sign over the business to you? NO
Why does she stay and keep cheating? How do I know? I guess she stays because she loves me. I'd say more but I have personal beliefs that might offend others.
time to get a post nup. . I'm 53 she's 44 we get along. I get the sex I want.

Did she ever take a polygraph? NO. Said she would. I never pushed it. Wished I had. Wasn't so easy in 2002.
Did she get tested for stds? YES I made her. She complied.
why does she not respect you? I'm sure I've earned her respect. I don't think affairs are about respect. I'm plenty man enough if thats what you're getting at.
How would she feel if you had four or five affairs? She tells me to go and do it now. LOL


I can't see staying with someone that keeps stabbing you in the back. I said that too.
How do you know she is not stealing from the business? I run it. Anyone can steal from you I guess. How does anyone know for sure?

So sorry, hope you find a way to have her give you the business and then leave. Does she have any idea that she is killing your love for her? She killed it in 2002. It's a different kinda love now. Not really a marriage love like you think that to be.
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post #42 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:23 PM
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BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
I don't see any realistic way for you to believe that she's not still cheating.



I can't see staying in a marriage like this, but I'll play ball from the perspective that the potential financial fallout caused by divorce would be significant enough to keep me from filing:



I'd kick her out of the bedroom and tell her that she's free to sleep around with whoever she wants and whenever she wants, just so long as it doesn't happen under my roof.



And then I'd never touch her again.


Why would he kick her out now? He accepted her cheating.

He already did tell her she is free to shop around when he didn't leave after the second cheating (that he knows of).
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post #43 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.
So you're the reason the user Quality and others hate me. (that is a joke for people who read on her a lot.) People like you are why I post on here.

Anyway though after reading this and other posts I think after your spouse cheats on you the second time even the most ardent R people (and I am sure there are some on here) would say you only have yourself to blame. The time for blaming your WS is over. Until you fix with is broken in you you will never have the life you want. Lets be honest what it all comes down to is you are afraid. That's the first step.

You are codependent. You are the host to her parasite. The answer to everyone who say, "well I love them" should be who cares! Love doesn't give you the right to let someone abuse you continually. You have a duty and an honor to stick up and protect yourself.

I posted about this book in another one of my post if you look it up it also has an article about your responsibility to your kids. I hope you are correct when you say your kids are healthy because a lot of times BS think they are doing right by staying but it leads to a whole host of problems in the adult kids lives. First of all most kids are perceptive enough to know something is wrong and eventually figure it out. The kids feel responsible and guilty because the one spouse stayed for them. The kids are made to live with a parent who is a narcissist and another parent who is beat down by a narcissist. This is what happened to me with a part of my childhood with my Mom and stepfather. There is no safe place to go to. At least if one parent gets away there is one safe parent that can be a refuge. It was not healthy for your kids to see their father crying in his room.

Staying for the kids is a terrible idea a lot of the time if not most.

Last edited by sokillme; 03-23-2017 at 02:49 PM.
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post #44 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by SuperConfusedHusband View Post
Not this lady...she did it other times. When she did it the other times, did you confront her? What did she say?
Yes. Confessed after presented with evidence. Went to MC.
Said she was sorry.
Wasn't going to trash my kids future and leave. That was my thought process.
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post #45 of 240 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
In your case she never came clean and kept the affair going. So of course it's not going to be fixable she has no remorse and isn't stopping.

Other times they are remorseful and they quit the affair and bend over backwards to make it right for the betrayed spouse that's a different situation entirely than yours is or was.
Yeah I can point to about 10 on here and other sites. Sites that get new posts like OP's situation day after day. Though granted it's not empirical I think the odds are not really good. From reading on here in other boards most people eventually get divorced or end up like OP.
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