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post #46 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by adegirl2016 View Post
Do you have a link to your original thread?

WOW! So .... when did you find out that she continued the affair? Was it during R or after you thought everything was okay?

I am 99.9 percent sure my husbands affair is over, BUT I am 95 percent sure he will do it again, even though most of the time, he is happy and upbeat about R.

more info!!!!
Please move on. Reading your story, it would be such a waste if you stayed. You are needed out there for a good man.

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post #47 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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So you're the reason the user Quality and others hate me. (that is a joke for people who read on her a lot.) This is why I post on here.

Anyway though after reading this and other posts I think after your spouse cheats on you the second time even the most ardent R people (and I am sure there are some on here) would say you only have yourself to blame. The time for blaming your WS is over. Until you fix with is broken in you you will never have the life you want.

You are codependent. You are the host to her parasite. My answer to everyone who say, well I love them is who cares! Love doesn't give you the right to let someone abuse you continually. You have a duty and an honor to stick up and protect yourself.

I posted about this book in another one of my post if you look it up it also has an article about your responsibility to your kids. I hope you are correct when you say your kids are healthy because a lot of times BS think they are doing right by staying but it leads to a whole host of problems in the adult kids lives. First of all most kids are perceptive enough to know something is wrong and eventually figure it out. The kids feel responsible and guilty because the one spouse stayed for them. The kids are made to live with a parent who is a narcissist and another parent who is beat down by a narcissist. This is what happened to me with a part of my childhood with my Mom and stepfather. There is no safe place to go to. At least if one parent gets away there is one safe parent that can be a refuge.

Staying for the kids is a terrible idea a lot of the time if not most.
I agree with most of what you say. But I say file for D the first time she cheats. If it's a WW. I don't know much about WH.
One reason I stayed was to keep the unknown women or men out of my house.
Yes codependent I was.
I have found that reason and logic don't come into play once a bomb has been dropped in your whole world.
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post #48 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:35 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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I don't see any realistic way for you to believe that she's not still cheating.

I can't see staying in a marriage like this, but I'll play ball from the perspective that the potential financial fallout caused by divorce would be significant enough to keep me from filing:

I'd kick her out of the bedroom and tell her that she's free to sleep around with whoever she wants and whenever she wants, just so long as it doesn't happen under my roof.

And then I'd never touch her again.
I totally agree with this. If I was in the situation I'd expect an even playing field. Either it's a committed monogamous relationship for both people or it isn't, and there is nothing in between.
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post #49 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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StillSearching, I'll give you major props for being honest with yourself. It may not have been the choice others would make, and it doesn't appear it would be the choice you would make now in hindsight, but things change, we grow older, we acquire assets, family dynamics change and your reasons for staying now are likely completely different from the reasons you stayed originally, but you are being honest with yourself (and us) about your reasons then, which you may now regret, and your reasons now.

We see so many other BH's that choose R and then live a life of self-deception ... many of them are the most ardent supporters of R on these forums. It is pathetic watching them try to convince others to R, when they're really only trying to convince themselves that they did the right thing.

However, a BH CAN find happiness from within over any number of things, as long as they are honest with themselves, and NOT dependent on their WW's meeting their expectations of what you once thought you had. The hardest part for me was making peace with myself and accepting the consequences of my own poor choices. Now, I'm not excusing my W's behavior by accepting any blame for her choice, but I had ample evidence prior to M to see the red flags waving that I ignored due to being "in love" that could have allowed me to avoid the whole mess altogether ... THAT'S ON ME, and was part of me being honest enough with myself to acknowledge my mistakes and move forward from them.

I am painfully aware that I'm very capable of making major life screw ups ... now I focus on not making the same one's over again.
If you are still in the marriage are you sure you are not making the same one over and over again?
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post #50 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

After years of reading and studying and looking for answers. I found many causes for cheaters and liars.
I should throw out this disclaimer. Just in case it might change another mans mind.
She was sexually abused as a young girl by her step father for 4 years.
She never got help.
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post #51 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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I agree with most of what you say. But I say file for D the first time she cheats.
You must not read here much. I say that all the time. I really don't think R is ever a good idea, even if the cheating spouse moves heaven and earth, because staying with someone who abuses requires you killing a part of your soul. The best I can see is divorcing and starting over from scratch and let the WS compete. That at least levels the playing field somewhat. Gives the BS back the agency in their life. Mostly though I think once a BS gets out there and starts having relationships with people who have never stabbed them in the eye they see how badly they would be settling to go back to a person like their WS.

I say that to you here now. You should divorce her and take your chances. You can still have a partnership in the business.

It's great that you are posting to help people but if you are posting for sympathy you are misguided. You are in a hell of your own choosing. And it strikes me as another sign of codependency. That not really the benefit of staying is it? To get sympathy?

Last edited by sokillme; 03-23-2017 at 03:00 PM.
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post #52 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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You must not read here much. I say that all the time. I really don't think R is ever a good idea, even if the cheating spouse moves heaven and earth, because staying with someone who abuses requires you killing a part of your soul. The best I can see is divorcing and starting over from scratch and let the WS compete. That at lest levels the playing field somewhat. Gives the BS back the agency in their life. Mostly though I think once a BS gets out there and starts having relationships with people who have never stabbed them in the eye they see how badly they would be settling to go back to a person like their WS.

I say that to you here now. You should divorce her and take your chances. You can still have a partnership in the business.

It's great that you are posting to help people but if you are posting for sympathy you are misguided. You are in a hell of your own choosing. And it strikes me as another sign of codependency. That not really the benefit of staying is it? To get sympathy?
partnership in the business would not happen.
With my experience with women, I was sure the next would cheat as well.
I might still D but not likely.
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post #53 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Yes codependent I was.

.


Yes codependent you still are.

The reality is, that if you were to do it over again you would probably choose the same thing, to R. Because you are not even taking your own advice and she has cheated multiple times again. It's very easy to give advice, it's not easy to live your advice.

Codependent people will find any excuse to stay. Whether it's love, for the kids, or for your current business which is your new excuse.

I hope you find the strength to leave. OR find the strength to be at peace with your dysfunctional marriage. I wish you all the best.
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post #54 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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There are many who will argue there are no differences between WW's and WH's ... therefore, BH's and BW's should be advised in the same manner ... to which I call BS from the mountaintop. I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether. With that said, as a BH, my experience shows that there are very few BH/WW scenarios when the best advise ins't to D immediately and move on. There are just very few WW's worth the time, pain and risk of attempting R with them.
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There's a huge difference. I feel the same as you.
"I don't read or respond to BW threads ... I simply have no point of reference from which to advise ... so I just stay away from them altogether." TRUE.
There are NO scenarios worth staying.
Men are not women, women are not men.
Anyone here who has dealt with a WW as long as I have will concur.
I guess I have a deep aversion to grouping people in general and "mens only" clubs in particular, but curious to know why you both feel so strongly about this? When I met with my husband's AP's husband to talk over what we both knew about the affair, I was very conscious of how similar our feelings and states of mind were. There was an almost alarming degree of mutual empathy.

I see that each of us are unique, but can share experiences and backgrounds that enable us to identify with one another outside of ourselves. For example, I would expect to have more in common (in my understanding of infidelity) with a BH who came from a similar cultural background than a BW who came from a culture that saw marriage in a very different way to mine. Out of interest, how would either of you respond to a man asking for advice as a BH with a WH?

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #55 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:19 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Did she do it again? yes 3 different times. Different men. And I was a hawk watching.
How was she during R? She was very willing and upbeat.
Did you go to counseling? Yes. Three times. Three different MCs.
If this was after the original infidelity,how long ago did,what you consider reconciliation,start? Also,how much was the family dynamic changed,because kids pick up on so much and this seems to have gone on for awhile?


"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #56 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Your thread and your tone of your written has echoes of @river rat

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #57 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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I guess I have a deep aversion to grouping people in general and "mens only" clubs in particular, but curious to know why you both feel so strongly about this? When I met with my husband's AP's husband to talk over what we both knew about the affair, I was very conscious of how similar our feelings and states of mind were. There was an almost alarming degree of mutual empathy.

I see that each of us are unique, but can share experiences and backgrounds that enable us to identify with one another outside of ourselves. For example, I would expect to have more in common (in my understanding of infidelity) with a BH who came from a similar cultural background than a BW who came from a culture that saw marriage in a very different way to mine. Out of interest, how would either of you respond to a man asking for advice as a BH with a WH?
I didn't group up men and women differently. Nature did that. Understanding what each brings to a marriage is different is to understand why I can't help a really give advice to a BW. If a BH had a WH that's way out of level of experience to comment.
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post #58 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Your thread and your tone of your written has echoes of @river rat
I don't know River Rat? I've been away from here a long time.
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post #59 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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If this was after the original infidelity,how long ago did,what you consider reconciliation,start? 1/11/02 I became more apathetic with time
Also,how much was the family dynamic changed,because kids pick up on so much and this seems to have gone on for awhile? It changed after the kids became teenagers. Their memories kinda woke up then.
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post #60 of 277 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Yes codependent you still are.

The reality is, that if you were to do it over again you would probably choose the same thing, to R. Because you are not even taking your own advice and she has cheated multiple times again. It's very easy to give advice, it's not easy to live your advice.

Codependent people will find any excuse to stay. Whether it's love, for the kids, or for your current business which is your new excuse.

I hope you find the strength to leave. OR find the strength to be at peace with your dysfunctional marriage. I wish you all the best.
No one comes to this forum with a good functional marriage
I'm at peace. But I would not recommend this road to any BH. The road is skinny and the shoulders are deadly. No matter how long you stay on it.
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