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post #61 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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You must not read here much. I say that all the time. I really don't think R is ever a good idea, even if the cheating spouse moves heaven and earth, because staying with someone who abuses requires you killing a part of your soul. The best I can see is divorcing and starting over from scratch and let the WS compete. That at least levels the playing field somewhat. Gives the BS back the agency in their life. Mostly though I think once a BS gets out there and starts having relationships with people who have never stabbed them in the eye they see how badly they would be settling to go back to a person like their WS.

I say that to you here now. You should divorce her and take your chances. You can still have a partnership in the business.

It's great that you are posting to help people but if you are posting for sympathy you are misguided. You are in a hell of your own choosing. And it strikes me as another sign of codependency. That not really the benefit of staying is it? To get sympathy?
By no means am I looking for sympathy. I just saw BHs on here and if they don't want to be still searching for answers 15 years later, they need to file and leave now.

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post #62 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:49 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

StillSearching, I admire you for coming here to advise others not to do what you did. I am of the same mindset. I recently advised someone I know not to R with his cheating wife and he's been trying...she currently has a boyfriend and he is not aware.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #63 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
A shared business that is doing very well.
Look into putting your ownership shares of the business into a voting trust where you and your wife are the trustees with 50/50 ownership (or whatever is equitable). This will work for a INC or LLC, public or private, even with outside owners/investors. If you do this you are not forced to sell or otherwise dissolve the business in order to divide it's value in a divorce.

This is what I did with my three businesses (2 INC's, 1 LLC), I am divorced and the arrangement with the trust continues to work, is legally binding and all individual interests are protected by law. Talk to a trust lawyer.
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post #64 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Everything you have said are things I have said in one post or another on here. I also stayed and consider it easily the worst mistake of my life.

I always failed to understand is why so many men, myself included, who chose to stay with WW end up regretting that decision and become strong advocates for divorce. Recently I read some research regarding human inertia and I really connected with it. This is a great article and I encourage everyone to read it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...s-life-inertia

The "force" that made the biggest impact on me was this:

if our needs have not been adequately met in childhood, for example, if we grew up in an emotionally chaotic family, then our need for love and security becomes a propulsion system that drives us powerfully, but down the wrong path. We will need to let go of our unhealthy needs and reconnect with our healthy ones, so that we can finally power our life inertia with a propulsion system of our own choosing.

The very notion of "life inertia" just feels right to me. There are more of these inertia forces that are equally powerful but suffice it to say that many people are terrified of change. To me this explains why many men choose to try reconciliation after their initial reaction. The horror of their wife screwing another man is simply less than the terror of making a dramatic change to their life. Over time a man can become more enlightened and realize that this life inertia is something that he CAN change. That the prison he is living in is truly of his own doing. Lots of these guys decide to end the marriage but probably more of them choose - again - to just find a way to live with it. Like it's safer choosing the devil you know. A big part of the reason these guys would still stay is that over the time between d-day and that day he realizes staying was a mistake a whole lot more family & financial entanglements have developed. This gives him tangible support for just continuing to ride it out.

The time to leave is d-day. Don't waste time trying to reconcile. At best reconciliation is a long, painful process for both BH and WW and it often ends in divorce anyway or BH simply pretending he will "get over it". End the marriage and start fresh - it's much better for both of you.
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post #65 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
StillSearching, I admire you for coming here to advise others not to do what you did. I am of the same mindset. I recently advised someone I know not to R with his cheating wife and he's been trying...she currently has a boyfriend and he is not aware.
Do whatever you can. He is not thinking clearly. He has no idea what's ahead of him...
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post #66 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:07 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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I am 99.9 percent sure my husbands affair is over, BUT I am 95 percent sure he will do it again, even though most of the time, he is happy and upbeat about R.
Slight drift on the topic, but being on the other side now I can't understand staying with someone like that. Yes, I calculated my teen kids needed me in the house, and I still believe that was true at the time. But I had opportunities to leave well before that and didn't. There was a lot of denial on my part across many years.

Yes, the finances are a lot tougher now, and I'm older which has challenges with finding a new partner. Divorcing earlier would have been easier, but it is still a better place to be than knowing your spouse is fundamentally dishonest. Current challenges are not soul crushing the way staying with a lying spouse is.
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post #67 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
By no means am I looking for sympathy. I just saw BHs on here and if they don't want to be still searching for answers 15 years later, they need to file and leave now.
Curious, what triggers you to come back to TAM at this point? Has some recent event or realization triggered you. You are obviously in the process of taking stock of things and looking at your situation with deeper analysis. Is there anything that emerged in just the past week or past month that has you searching harder for answers than before?
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post #68 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by theDrifter View Post
Everything you have said are things I have said in one post or another on here. I also stayed and consider it easily the worst mistake of my life.

I always failed to understand is why so many men, myself included, who chose to stay with WW end up regretting that decision and become strong advocates for divorce. Recently I read some research regarding human inertia and I really connected with it. This is a great article and I encourage everyone to read it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...s-life-inertia

The "force" that made the biggest impact on me was this:

if our needs have not been adequately met in childhood, for example, if we grew up in an emotionally chaotic family, then our need for love and security becomes a propulsion system that drives us powerfully, but down the wrong path. We will need to let go of our unhealthy needs and reconnect with our healthy ones, so that we can finally power our life inertia with a propulsion system of our own choosing.

The very notion of "life inertia" just feels right to me. There are more of these inertia forces that are equally powerful but suffice it to say that many people are terrified of change. To me this explains why many men choose to try reconciliation after their initial reaction. The horror of their wife screwing another man is simply less than the terror of making a dramatic change to their life. Over time a man can become more enlightened and realize that this life inertia is something that he CAN change. That the prison he is living in is truly of his own doing. Lots of these guys decide to end the marriage but probably more of them choose - again - to just find a way to live with it. Like it's safer choosing the devil you know. A big part of the reason these guys would still stay is that over the time between d-day and that day he realizes staying was a mistake a whole lot more family & financial entanglements have developed. This gives him tangible support for just continuing to ride it out.

The time to leave is d-day. Don't waste time trying to reconcile. At best reconciliation is a long, painful process for both BH and WW and it often ends in divorce anyway or BH simply pretending he will "get over it". End the marriage and start fresh - it's much better for both of you.
Wow that's good stuff. But man even when I think of D-Day now it gives me chills. Not sure I could have done much more than cry. Wish I would have had it together then to go for it.
I understand a mans reluctance to leave.
I have a better understanding of why you should leave now.
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post #69 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
After years of reading and studying and looking for answers. I found many causes for cheaters and liars.
I should throw out this disclaimer. Just in case it might change another mans mind.
She was sexually abused as a young girl by her step father for 4 years.
She never got help.
Are you a Nice Guy? If so, that is the Perfect Storm relationship. Btdt myself!
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post #70 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

I think I know who you are, I remember a similar story last year. Well, I'm sorry to read that you regret staying in your marriage (not entirely surprised tho), glad to see you still find joy in life. I'm personally not an advocate for reconciliation but I understand why people feel they should give someone a second chance. You thought you were doing the right thing, I hope you know there's no fault in that.

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post #71 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by MarriedTex View Post
Curious, what triggers you to come back to TAM at this point? Has some recent event or realization triggered you. You are obviously in the process of taking stock of things and looking at your situation with deeper analysis. Is there anything that emerged in just the past week or past month that has you searching harder for answers than before?
Curious, what triggers you to come back to TAM at this point? Has some recent event or realization triggered you. That's a good question. I have a friend who wants to start an affair with a MW and after talking to him I wanted to do more.
You are obviously in the process of taking stock of things and looking at your situation with deeper analysis. Is there anything that emerged in just the past week or past month that has you searching harder for answers than before? I'm at home alone, my wife is on the road working and my kids are all gone. Self reflection. Maybe thinking how much stronger I was then than I thought I was. I see more infidelity around me everyday. Nothing specific comes to mind.
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post #72 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by Thor View Post
Are you a Nice Guy? If so, that is the Perfect Storm relationship. Btdt myself!
No. I was a nice guy. Grew up around just boys.
Funny how as I understood my manhood the dysfunctional marriage bothered me less.
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post #73 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

One thing that comes back to me every few months happened at the very first MC meeting. He asked us each "What are you most afraid of?"
I said "Losing my marriage and children"
She said "That he wakes up and realizes things and leaves me."
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post #74 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
No. I was a nice guy. Grew up around just boys.
Funny how as I understood my manhood the dysfunctional marriage bothered me less.
*raises his hands
I'm a recovering nice guy too, and when you do get in recovery...oh boy your entire belief system is shaken up!
And yes some things stop bothering you LOL
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post #75 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I think I know who you are, I remember a similar story last year. Well, I'm sorry to read that you regret staying in your marriage (not entirely surprised tho), glad to see you still find joy in life. I'm personally not an advocate for reconciliation but I understand why people feel they should give someone a second chance. You thought you were doing the right thing, I hope you know there's no fault in that.
I don't think I posted last year. But my life has been a maelstrom. I might have. I was an advocate for reconciliation in the beginning years ago. Not now.
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