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post #76 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:02 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Wow that's good stuff. But man even when I think of D-Day now it gives me chills. Not sure I could have done much more than cry. Wish I would have had it together then to go for it.
I understand a mans reluctance to leave.
I have a better understanding of why you should leave now.
I completely agree. After the shock wore off I was determined to hate her forever and only communicate with her when I had to regarding our young son. Two weeks later when she begged me to come back it wasn't even a close call. I was drowning in a sea of $hit and she offered me a life raft. Like you - and most BH - I was in a state of shock and in no way emotionally equipped to make a rational decision.

If I would have had an anonymous forum like this I believe I would have recognized the gas-lighting my wife was doing and would have sought IC. Through counseling I think I could have garnered the strength to end the marriage. This is what I advise all BH's to do. Educate yourself. Realize that your WW will do everything possible to manipulate you - especially using sex. If possible go stay in a hotel for a few days. Find a counselor and start seeing them now. Meet with a divorce lawyer and ask the questions you are afraid to ask. Most importantly, take some time to let the weight of her betrayal settle on you before even thinking about reconciliation.

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post #77 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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I completely agree. After the shock wore off I was determined to hate her forever and only communicate with her when I had to regarding our young son. Two weeks later when she begged me to come back it wasn't even a close call. I was drowning in a sea of $hit and she offered me a life raft. Like you - and most BH - I was in a state of shock and in no way emotionally equipped to make a rational decision.

If I would have had an anonymous forum like this I believe I would have recognized the gas-lighting my wife was doing and would have sought IC. Through counseling I think I could have garnered the strength to end the marriage. This is what I advise all BH's to do. Educate yourself. Realize that your WW will do everything possible to manipulate you - especially using sex. If possible go stay in a hotel for a few days. Find a counselor and start seeing them now. Meet with a divorce lawyer and ask the questions you are afraid to ask. Most importantly, take some time to let the weight of her betrayal settle on you before even thinking about reconciliation.
Yes! But don't think about reconciliation.
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post #78 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:12 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.
I don't find it surprising the TAM members in 2002 found your story fake considering Chris launched this forum January 24, 2007.

Besides, the whole "I have a good relationship with my wife but I would have been a lot happier had I left in 2002" therefore all you all should "get a lawyer ~ get a D ~ get on with your life ~ be happy" after your supposedly former wayward wife went to counseling with you just a couple of times and then proceeded to keep cheating with the OM and have 3 additional OM's thereafter despite you watching her "like a hawk" just sounds absolutely unbelievable.


Most marriages reconcile and, more often than not, the next person to actually have an affair is the betrayed spouse. If the Wayward spouse cheats again ~~ you divorce. There's also no sense staying with an unrepentant wayward spouse. A betrayed spouse that stays with a serial cheating spouse after 3 or 4 affairs really shouldn't be in the relationship advice business.

I'm sorry for your story if it's true, but I'm happily recovered two decades and my wife and I have many other couples recover too. Divorce probably would have been the correct choice for you, in hindsight, but you should have known that fact 14 years ago, so applying your 15 years of resentment onto everyone's wayward spouse is a little bit over the top.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #79 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:18 PM
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BS with long time update

Still searching or still browsing for the answer?
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post #80 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

So, excuse my objectivity here, but what we are reading is the musings of a man who had an unremorsefull, cheating wife. This wife continued to cheat and lie, even through counseling.

However, we are to believe that ALL wayward wives are unredeemable. Even if a WW is TRULY remorseful of her mistake, she should be divorced? But yet, that only applies to women?

I am sorry you were treated so poorly, but I have a hard applying your specific situation to all instances of cheating.

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"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #81 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Still searching or still browsing for the answer?
No driving to meet my son in rehab.
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post #82 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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I don't find it surprising the TAM members in 2002 found your story fake considering Chris launched this forum January 24, 2007.

Besides, the whole "I have a good relationship with my wife but I would have been a lot happier had I left in 2002" therefore all you all should "get a lawyer ~ get a D ~ get on with your life ~ be happy" after your supposedly former wayward wife went to counseling with you just a couple of times and then proceeded to keep cheating with the OM and have 3 additional OM's thereafter despite you watching her "like a hawk" just sounds absolutely unbelievable.


Most marriages reconcile and, more often than not, the next person to actually have an affair is the betrayed spouse. If the Wayward spouse cheats again ~~ you divorce. There's also no sense staying with an unrepentant wayward spouse. A betrayed spouse that stays with a serial cheating spouse after 3 or 4 affairs really shouldn't be in the relationship advice business.

I'm sorry for your story if it's true, but I'm happily recovered two decades and my wife and I have many other couples recover too. Divorce probably would have been the correct choice for you, in hindsight, but you should have known that fact 14 years ago, so applying your 15 years of resentment onto everyone's wayward spouse is a little bit over the top.
I challenge you to remember every forum to logged into 15 years ago looking for answers.
I'm not in the relationship business I'm in the software business.
Reconciliation could lead one to where I am.
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post #83 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Hello I was here circa 2002. I Signed up and told my story.
My D-Day is 1/10/02. My wife had an affair with a co-worker. I found out from marks he left on her.
Its been a hard fought 15 years. I had many people here then tell me my story was fake. It drove me away from this site.
I'm still with my wife. I have 3 kids all in college now.

I came back to read through some stories and try help if I could.
If I could choose to do it over again, I would not. I would advise any BS not to reconcile. Even now I do not have a real marriage. Trust...well you never get that back. The pain fades.
I have a good relationship with my wife but I am sure I would be a lot happier had I left in 2002.
I had hopes things would be like they were. I was blinded by love.
So makes your choices wisely. Listen to BSs here. Get a lawyer. Get a D. Get on with your life. Be happy.

I'm curious, out of those that did try to advise you, how many told you to leave your wife?
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post #84 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:33 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Thanks for coming back and offering your experience in spite of the naysayers.
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post #85 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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I'm curious, out of those that did try to advise you, how many told you to leave your wife?
I would say 80%

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post #86 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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StillSearching, I admire you for coming here to advise others not to do what you did. I am of the same mindset. I recently advised someone I know not to R with his cheating wife and he's been trying...she currently has a boyfriend and he is not aware.
Why the hell havent you told him?
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post #87 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by TX-SC View Post
So, excuse my objectivity here, but what we are reading is the musings of a man who had an unremorsefull, cheating wife. This wife continued to cheat and lie, even through counseling.

However, we are to believe that ALL wayward wives are unredeemable. Even if a WW is TRULY remorseful of her mistake, she should be divorced? But yet, that only applies to women?

I am sorry you were treated so poorly, but I have a hard applying your specific situation to all instances of cheating.

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk
I would say it's not so much about your WW. It's about what happens to your psychological health.
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post #88 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
I challenge you to remember every forum to logged into 15 years ago looking for answers.

I'm not in the relationship business I'm in the software business.

Reconciliation could lead one to where I am.


Seems like a lot of the guys here that are cheated on work in IT or software.

Why is that? What's the common trait?
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post #89 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Trigger this far out

Longterm recovery

Red flag

successful rugsweep?

Read in order. If you click on a name after the @ you will bring up the user's profile page. Also when posting if you use the @StillSearching it will send them a notification.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
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post #90 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Seems like a lot of the guys here that are cheated on work in IT or software.

Why is that? What's the common trait?
I am not what you'd think of as some girly computer geek if that's what you mean by trait. I think it's maybe more common place these days with the tech industry growth.
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