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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Originally Posted by StillSearching View Post
Maybe you should use your experience to help me understand how it made your marriage great?
I'm here to learn as well.
Maybe he did at one time but, he never makes posts like this he just comes here to insult people who disagree with him.

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post #107 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Possibly, but not necessarily. As I posted originally, life changes occur over 10 years ... what I thought was a good decision 10 years ago, may not look so good in the rear view mirror with the benefit of hindsight, but I can't go back to THEN and remake that decision. Also, as we age, priorities change. At this point in my life, I'm 3.5 years away from retirement. I've worked nearly 40 years to get here and I have real plans for that time that I'm not willing to chuck just to attempt a "do over" of a 10 year old mistake at this point in my life.

Much like StillSearching, I'm not dealing with a horrible, or even bad, situation. If I were, we wouldn't even be discussing this, but in fact, we have a very comfortable life that however, is "less than" what it could have been. I'm also not nearly as invested in the M as I was 10 years ago, which has lead to a 180 degree power shift in the M. Whoever said, "The one who cares the least in a relationship, holds the power" was SPOT ON.
WORD!
Where was the ghost Christmas Future when I needed him?
I do hold the power now. Have for a while.
Would you advocate reconciliation now?
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post #108 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:31 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Maybe he did at one time but, he never makes posts like this he just comes here to insult people who disagree with him.


A lot of people do that.
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post #109 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

I got divorced right away. I now live with my ex. Have for years. It's working out ok for us. NOt that this is relevant to your situation, but...

Dude, just get divorced. Sort out the business stuff (it's primarily why I got divorced) and go find your happy. It changes the dynamic completely once you're "free" and can leave at any time.

Just flat out tell her, you'll never forgive her, you'll never forget. She can't be happy either.
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post #110 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Maybe he did at one time but, he never makes posts like this he just comes here to insult people who disagree with him.
Sounds like he's not really as happy as he states.
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post #111 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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I came here to share my insight. I knew what waits in the shadows and still I came.

To me it is important.



Suffering IS the human condition

We are all here to do it, and become better people as a result. That's not say we should not avoid it.

Reconciliation intensifies suffering

Reconciliation makes suffering more frequent

Reconciliation extends the duration of suffering

Your marriage will never be the same. Stronger? Better? what does that really mean?

My experience is different, every ones life experience is different.

I say reduce your suffering.

Start a new life as soon as you can.

You may only have one. Don't be me.


Maybe your problem wasn't reconciliation in general but the way you did it, or failed to do it.

Your lessons to others should highlight what you and W did wrong, not that R is bad.

You made the right decision for you at the time.
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post #112 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

From what I've read of the numerous stories of those betrayed partners who "successfully reconciled" there is no such thing as a great reconciliation.

It's like rebuilding a town after a nuclear bomb blast has turned it into a wasteland.

Sure you can rebuild but it will never be the same as it was before, and there's still pockets of dangerous radioactivity.
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post #113 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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It's paramount to know and understand your wife's childhood history.
Most importantly be the confident man you were that she feel in love with and dated. That will keep from straying in the first place.
"Your not who I married" don't be that guy.
With CSA it is likely unimportant that you remain the man she married. In many cases, simply being her husband by definition makes you unable to remain in her heart the way she saw you before. Many women who were abused as young children are unable to feel safe around their husband. Sex takes on an entirely different meaning within marriage. You become a threat within her subconscious. Chances are she was abused by an adult family member or other trusted adult. Boyfriends and even a fiance are different. Sex can be carefree and easy. But when she gets married, her husband is now in that same scary group as her abuser(s), which is an adult male authority or family member.

My xw went from carefree enthusiastic sex while dating, to having great distress shortly before the wedding date. She would turn her head during sex. She'd want the lights out. She had to have a few drinks first. Of course, I had no idea what was the root cause since she had decided to never ever tell me about her CSA. And being a Nice Guy my response was ineffective in making any changes. I first blamed myself for having somehow done something which turned her off. The Nice Guy and CSA victim can get locked in with neither one being equipped to either fix it or end it.

For some women this is a factor leading to affairs. CSA is one of the top 3 factors correlating to infidelity. They remember the fun, the excitement, the carefree sex when single. They remember the feelings of power, acceptance, or social standing they got with sex. Now, in marriage, they feel great distress. It is definitely not fun. But when they find an AP all of the fun comes back. And they may fear leaving the marriage due to abandonment issues from their CSA, so they don't just pull the plug on the marriage. An asexual marriage may actually be quite happy for them.

You can't mitigate those dynamics by remaining the confident man you were while dating.

Last edited by Thor; 03-24-2017 at 11:10 AM.
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post #114 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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With CSA it is likely unimportant that you remain the man she married. In many cases, simply being her husband by definition makes you unable to remain in her heart the way she saw you before. Many women who were abused as young children are unable to feel safe around their husband. Sex takes on an entirely different meaning within marriage. You become a threat within her subconscious. Chances are she was abused by an adult family member or other trusted adult. Boyfriends and even a fiance are different. Sex can be carefree and easy. But when she gets married, her husband is now in that same scary group as her abuser(s), which is an adult male authority or family member.
Many women who were abused as young children are unable to feel safe around their husband. Sex takes on an entirely different meaning within marriage. You become a threat within her subconscious. Chances are she was abused by an adult family member or other trusted adult. Boyfriends and even a fiance are different. Sex can be carefree and easy. But when she gets married, her husband is now in that same scary group as her abuser(s), which is an adult male authority or family member.

BINGO! spot on. Thats why I wrote the disclaimer.
Not sure how much her abuse lead to sex with others, constant lying, screwing up reconciliation.
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post #115 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Maybe your problem wasn't reconciliation in general but the way you did it, or failed to do it.

Your lessons to others should highlight what you and W did wrong, not that R is bad.

You made the right decision for you at the time.
Don't expect you'll get much feedback on this, he posted above he thinks he did reconciliation just fine since he's still married and they generally get along.

There's a chance that maybe had he led her to repentance back in 2002 that this whole story could have had a different outcome but his wife supposedly has had several affairs with complete strangers and pretty much sounds like a totally unrepentant serial cheater that no one could have achieved recovery with in the first place {a fact that should have been ascertained 14 years ago within about a year of "trying"}.

Reconciliation will always lead to suffering and misery when one attempts to do it with someone incapable or unwilling to repent. I would and have advocated for divorce in such situations.

These are sad stories and it's not really that alarming that these kind of posters come back years later to try to relieve their regret and resentment by telling others not to make the same mistakes they made and with blanket statements that recovery is impossible as if only their life experiences are true, accurate and valuable whereas others are merely posting out of pain and unhappiness despite insisting there is hope for many marriages and claiming recovery success.


The whole circular argument that all I do is insult people that don't agree with me while continuing to insult me and attack my credibility is getting comical now.

I simply dispute and refute the agenda that everyone should divorce and true reconciliation doesn't exist. It is an inconvenient and obvious reality that many couples recover and I'm sorry that my recovery alone throws a wrench in the agenda of recovery denial and my posting about it is inconvenient for you guy. It's sad that you guys keep having to resort to personal insults and speculation to dispute anyone that stands against your agenda, whereas, my position accepts the possibility and REALITY of divorce OR reconciliation and I can have empathy for persons that need to or choose to divorce without having to deny their life experience at all.

I've helped 100's of individuals and couples with recovery {and sometimes divorce}. I mostly do it in real life and on a private Christian forum. This is a place to discuss marriage and coping with infidelity. It's "talk", debate and the sharing of ideas and experiences as a community. It's not counseling or even coaching and there are far too many people with agendas of hopelessness {sometimes the same people in multiple identitis} where I see lots of hope in most situations.


I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen

Last edited by Quality; 03-24-2017 at 12:32 PM.
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post #116 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Don't expect you'll get much feedback on this, he posted above he thinks he did reconciliation just fine since he's still married and they generally get along.

There's a chance that maybe had he led her to repentance back in 2002 that this whole story could have had a different outcome The old horse to water here..
but his wife supposedly has had several affairs with complete strangers and pretty much sounds like a totally unrepentant wrong. co workers and old friend....seems quite repentant as well.
serial cheater that no one could have achieved recovery with in the first place {a fact that should have been ascertained 14 years ago within about a year of "trying"}.

Reconciliation will always lead to suffering TRUE..... and misery when one attempts to do it with someone incapable ...no way of truly knowing this!.. I would and have advocated for divorce in such situations.


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post #117 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Maybe your problem wasn't reconciliation in general but the way you did it, or failed to do it.

Your lessons to others should highlight what you and W did wrong, not that R is bad.

You made the right decision for you at the time.
Understandable.
The problem was not reconciliation. It's whats left.
My experience is that no marriage that goes through R really is great afterwards.
Best to start fresh with a new shot.
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post #118 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

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Understandable.
The problem was not reconciliation. It's whats left.
My experience is that no marriage that goes through R really is great afterwards.
Best to start fresh with a new shot.
Well, you only have one data point. Kind of a stretch to apply that to all marriages experiencing infidelity. Why not just say "R didn't work for me because ........."?

You never tried a "new shot" so you don't know that is best.
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post #119 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: BS with long time update

Repentance isn't just saying "I'm sorry" and no one would ever say "she/he SEEMS repentant". If she was repentant you'd have known it and I've helped 100's of betrayed husbands figure this out within a few months up to about a year of Dday. Unfortunately, repentance takes time, but it is unmistakable. A repentant person changes completely. They are transformed by the experience.

I'm truly sorry you never got to experience that. I say that with all sincerity. I wish you had obtained proper guidance and instruction and figured this out 14-15 years ago. It is/was knowable and it's the absolute prerequisite to proper reconciliation. Lots of people stay in manageable marriages suffering quietly or bitterly with anger and resentment. This isn't ONLY a infidelity problem. It sounds like you did the best you could for you and your kids and sometimes, in such situations, I think staying for the kids, if there can be peace in the household IS actually best for the kids versus the situation in some states and countries with a man losing primary custody of his kids to a unrepentant serial cheater. But that was your choice and your son may have ended up in rehab either way.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #120 of 264 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: BS with long time update

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Well, you only have one data point. Kind of a stretch to apply that to all marriages experiencing infidelity. Why not just say "R didn't work for me because ........."?

You never tried a "new shot" so you don't know that is best.
Like I said before I was pro R. For about the first 3 years.
it's not just one point, its 50% of only 2. With many years of working through things.
ok then "R didn't work for me because it doesn't work."
One reason I stayed was I thought a "new shot" what not going to be better....I don't know.
I wish I had now.
How was your R?
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